The pitt: Breakdown at the ER

// Nana is going through a complete breakdown after she took charge of a case that opened old wounds and induced a PTSD episode. Robby is here to help her pull through, and they have a heart-to-heart conversation. 

xxxxx

"Dr. Okwuje-McLane!"

She could not hear the voice calling her over and over again. She was still trying to resuscitate a patient, still trying to hold compressions on his chest in a desperate attempt at starting his heart again. Her scrubs and gloves were covered in blood. She had some on her face,  on her hair, but she did not care. The trauma room looked like a war zone. There was so much blood on the floor, so many machines hooked up to the body to monitor the patient's vitals, and the constant beep was tearing through their ears and adding to the stress in that room. Everyone else realized that the patient was dead and had been for a while, but none of them could reach out to her. Dr. King, who assisted Dr. Owukje-McLane, rushed to find Dr. Robby so he could quickly intervene.  Fortunately for Mel, Dr. Robby was not in the middle of an intervention and was simply supervising, so he was able to follow the blonde doctor to the trauma room Nana was intervening in. 

"Dr. Okwuje-McLane!!" 

He raised his voice. She still could not hear him. Her compressions were mechanical as if her body was on automatic pilot. Nana refused to let go and barked at anyone who tried to stop her. So they stopped trying. Mel felt relieved when Dr. Robby walked into the trauma room, but furrowed her brows when he could not reach out to the woman who was performing CPR.  Nana kept working on the body, deaf to the voices around her, oblivious to the strong presence of Dr. Robby next to her.  She was determined to save that man's life, desperate even. He had to live. She promised his daughter that she would save him. She had to make it happen. Dr. Robby looked at her and quickly decided to say her name one last time. 

"Dr. Okwuje-McLane!!!"

"No! I can still save him! I can still SAVE HIM! I promised his daughter! She needs him!"

"There is nothing more that you can do! Stop it!" -He almost shouted his order. She refused to obey, still kept doing her compressions, and when Dr. Robby tried to come closer to her,  Nana barked at him. He stopped in his tracks and kept his hands up in the air so she could see he did not want to set her off. She was not ready to give up on her patient, but he had to solve this quickly.  

"Back off!! BACK OFF! BACK THE FUCK OFF, Dr. Robby!!!" 

She was on the verge of crying, and everyone in the room could tell she was having a breakdown. His whole demeanor changed. Dr. King noticed that Dr. Robby softened his features, his shoulders dropped, as well as his voice, and he quietly closed the distance between him and Dr. Okwuje-McLane, wrapped his arms around her frame to gently force her to stop her compression, and prevent a potential violent response from her.  Surprisingly, Nana did not resist. She simply stopped moving, and the high-pitched machinery beeps were the only noises that filled the room. 

Mel looked at Dr. Robby and pinched her lips together, barely holding her breath as she did not know what was going to happen. Dr. Robby looked towards the blonde doctor and nodded quietly... His face wore a somber expression, as sadness overwhelmed him. He knew all too well what Nana was going through. He knew the immense grief that swallowed the woman's heart. He was holding her firmly but kindly, and after searching for Dr. King's eyes, when they finally locked eyes, he nodded quietly. 

"Dr. King, please call it."

"No.... She can't do that... Don't let her do that..." Nana's voice was weak, a heartbreaking sound that ripped through the team present in the trauma room. They all had somber faces, a silent understanding of the situation, and an acknowledgment that the patient was beyond saving. Mel nodded at the request of Dr. Robby and cleared her throat. 

"Ti-- Time of Death: 11:35 AM."

"Thank you, Dr. King. Please take over and wrap this up." - He then looked down at Nana, who was shaking from head to toe, and spoke with the gentlest voice he could muster at the moment- "Come with me, Nana."

He removed his gloves and helped her remove hers. He threw both pairs into the waste bin and took her hand to guide her to the Pedes Room. He knew that the room was empty and could give her some privacy.  As the captain of the ER, he had to ensure that his team was working seamlessly and nothing could break the workflow. With her breakdown, it was clear that Nana could not resume working in that mental state, and he had to make sure she wasn't a danger to herself and a danger to their patients. Deep down, however, he was worried about Nana. He went through one episode like this before, during the Pittfest mass shouting, and he knew that without support, she simply might fall apart. Michael cared for Nana way more than he was willing to admit at this moment. She was pale and depleted, yet followed the man to the empty pedes room.  He closed the door behind them and watched as Nana slowly walked further into the room. 

" I'm sorry I had to restrain you, but there was no other way to make you stop." -She did not respond and simply sat on one of the beds in the room.- "I know you wanted to save that man, and you did one hell of a job there, but there was nothing we could have done to help him. There was nothing we could have done to save the whole fam--"

"I promised his daughter." -She cut him short, with cracks in her voice. Dr. Robby tilted his head to the side, as if he was taken aback by her words.-

" You know that we can't promise this. We can't."

"She is going to grow up alone... With no sister, no mother, and now... And now...No father. I... I wanted to...I had to save him. I had to..." She was hyperventilating and trying to hold back her tears.  Instinctively, Dr. Robby walked towards Nana and sat in the bed next to her. She broke down in tears and pulled on her scrubs as if she wanted to break free, as if she were suffocating. Dr. Robby put his hand on her shoulder and gently squeezed her, in a way to let her know she wasn't alone and give her enough space. 

"I know..... I know you tried so hard to save that man. It's not fair... It's not fair." -He spoke in a soft voice, gently stroking her shoulder before he dropped his hand to the middle of her back.- "You are an outstanding doctor, Nana, but even the best of us can't defeat Death."

"I don't care!!!!! I don't care, Michael!!!! I should have saved that man, and now, because of me, that little girl is going to grow up without a family!  I wanted to spare her, I wanted..... I needed...I failed." -She unconytollably sobbed and finally wrapped her arms around Dr. Robby's waist. He pulled her into a tight hug and stroked her back as, finally, the woman expressed her grief as she needed to. 

Meanwhile, in the trauma room, Mel watched the empty room and took in the carnage that had taken place. There was so much blood on the floor that the hospital cleaners might spend quite some time in the room. She pinched the bridge of her nose, and  Princess walked to her with a concerned face. 

"Are you okay?"

"N-- Yes! Yes! I am It's part of the job, right? I have just never seen the trauma room so... There is so much blood here."

"I guess it depends on the injuries. This patient was riddled with bullets, kinda difficult not to have a blood bath when it happens." -She sighed and looked around the room again. "But I'll ask again, Dr. King, are you okay?"

"Dr. Okwuje-McLane.... What happened just now with her? I've never seen her like that before. It felt as if I had a brand new person in front of me."

"Ah... Yes. Dr. Okwukje-McLane took this case very personally. A family was transported here minutes ago, all but one in critical condition.  A mom, a dad, two daughters, all shot with several bullets. Everyone but the youngest daughter died within minutes. "

"When you say it's personal, do you mean that she went through the same thing?"

"More or less. Her family was slaughtered during a home invasion. She heard the noises, well hidden in a cabinet. When the noise stopped and the robbers left, she bravely left her hiding spot to try to help her family, only to find them dead. She still calmly called 911, believing that her family would make it. She even fought them when they tried to put white sheets on the bodies. It took a while for her to realize that she had lost everything that night. She went to the foster care system and found her adoptive parents later. This, right there, is definitely a trigger for her. She wanted to protect the little girl from the same trauma she had to deal with."

"I see... Bu--but she tried. She did her best. He just could not be saved, but that doesn't mean--"

"Sometimes facts don't bring comfort. We can't do much for her except support her in whatever way we can. You did great by getting Dr. Robby to her; he would be able to calm her down. Let's just... do what we do best here." 

Princess nodded at that and simply left the trauma room to resume her work. Dr. Mel took a deep breath, pushed her glasses back up the bridge of her nose, and left the room. She understood now why  Dr. Okwuje-McLane acted that way, and the satisfaction of having an answer was enough to prompt Mel to return to work. 

In the pedes room,  Nana was still crying her heart out. She was still holding onto Dr. Robby, and he was now gently stroking her shoulders. She buried her face into his chest and slowly stopped crying. His hug was comforting, and his steady heartbeats were soothing. He did not speak, afraid to break the silence and wreck all of his efforts. Instead, Dr. Robby wanted to let Nana come to him. She slowly pulled away from him and wiped her face clean with the back of her hands. 

"Thank you, Michael...I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize. We've all been there. It's alright, Nana."

"I thought I could hold my own and handle the case, but I simply could not. I was seeing myself all over again.  When I was giving CPR, I was seeing myself back in my house, with blood all over the place. Ah... I felt powerless. I am powerless, and it just felt so cruel, Michael." -She wiped her tears again and put her hands between her legs, so she could hold onto the mattress. 

"It is cruel. It is hard. This job right here? It's thankless, grueling, a fucking war zone where anything can go wrong. It breaks your heart, and it puts it back together. We save countless lives here; we don't remember them, but they exist. They survived, and it is all thanks to us. To you. You saved lives, Nana, and while I know it is easier to focus on the lives you lost, trust me when I say that the lives you saved are going to remember what you did for them."

"I hope they build a shrine to me. I hope they all do. You're right, I barely remember the lives I save every day. For me, they just come and go. I fixed them, and I carried on. A life lost? It simply tears a hole in my heart, over and over and over again...." She sighed and turned her head so she could look at Dr. Robby. He nodded quietly, his face now somber as he could relate to her words. 

"And you just have to learn how to live with it. That's what we do. That's who he is. We help people. We risk everything to save them. Sometimes we succeed, and sometimes we fail. It takes a toll on us, but despite everything, we simply can't stop ourselves. We have to go back there. We have to."

"We care for others...But who cares for us?" -She knitted her brows and gently put her hand over his. "You cared for me today. You did not have to, but you did, Michael. Thank you" -Her voice was softer now, with a bit of a sob strangled in it.-

"It's my job to watch after my team. You are part of my team, so obviously I would watch after you."

"And who watches after you?" -Her question made him blink. Since when did the tables turn? He did not know what to say to her and simply shrugged.- "Well...I will look after you. I want to." 

She whispered and gently squeezed his hand.  Dr. Robby pulled her hand towards his lips and pressed a kiss to her soft skin.  It wasn't a rejection on his part, but not actually an acceptance either. He wanted to express his gratitude for her concern, especially when she was in the midst of a breakdown, but he was not ready to talk about his own self-destructive thoughts or his own PTSD episodes. She stood up and took a couple of steps away from Dr. Robby. He rubbed the back of his head and slowly stood up again. 

"Nana, are you good to go?" -She nodded and rolled her head- "I don't like the idea of you being alone tonight. After our shift, why don't you come home?" 

"Are you asking me out, Dr. Robby?" -She jokingly said, finally grinning at him, a good sign of her improved morale. He gave her a sheepish smile, and he nodded slowly- " Well, how can I say no to such a nice offer? Let's uh.... let's leave together after our shift, okay?"

"Okay." -He nodded and watched as her leave the pedes room.-

That was intense, nothing they have not experienced before, nothing they would not be able to bounce back from. Nana was resilient. If she had not been, she would not have lasted this long in this job.  The man rubbed his face together and suddenly realized that he had just invited Nana to his place.  Usually, when they hooked up, he would go to hers, but this time, he wanted to care for her. He wanted to be there for her. He felt his heart falter and smiled to himself. He invited her over to his bachelor pad; somehow, that made him feel warmer. It was going to be a good thing. It definitely was going to be.  Comforted with this thought, he simply walked away and back into action. 

-TBC-

Nixus: Debbie x Nix catching up in a cafe.

Born and bred in Detroit, with only two years spent in Macomb, Debbie Malone was a very perky Michiganner. A stunning brunette with long straight brown hair, a slender build, and intense brown eyes, she was turning heads wherever she went. The woman always said that there was nothing the world could do to make her leave Detroit. It was the place she was born into and the state she wanted to die in. However, as much as she enjoyed the city, she loved the people in it even more. Debbie was friendly, and she had plenty of friends. She always lit up the room she walked into and always managed to make people smile and confide in her. People loved her, perhaps because she was the most unapologetically authentic person they've ever met. Perhaps because she genuinely cared about others, or perhaps she was always ready to help those in need.  When Phoenix was introduced as the new teacher at her school, Debbie immediately took a liking to that woman. 

She saw someone in dire need of friendship in Phoenix. After all, Nix always kept to herself, always seemed to want to be invisible, and seemed so genuinely awkward that Debbie could not help but want to help that young woman. She perceived Phoenix well, although she did not know the truth about her past. She perceived her loneliness, how guarded she was, yet so eager to meet new faces and connect with others.  She saw how devoted to the kids she taught, Phoenix was, and also how she tried to appear unassuming and plain, deliberately so. So Debbie grew closer to her, and little by little, she helped Phoenix make a home out of Detroit.  This afternoon was no exception. She usually heard Nix talk about her hot neighbor, a delicious hot candy that was haunting her nights. Strangely enough, it had been days since Phoenix mentioned the man at all, which prompted Debbie to offer a coffee date with her friend after Wednesday's shift was over. Phoenix agreed to it, and soon after the bell rang, the two friends went to their favorite coffee spot, a couple of blocks away from school.  

"You seem really strange, Nix. Has something happened to you recently?"

"What do you mean by strange?" -Phoenix almost choked on her drink and quickly put the cup down to grab a napkin. She cleaned the corner of her mouth and gave her friend a sheepish smile-

"This! Right here! Something happened to you! Usually, you'd tell me about your weekend, or about whatever you saw that you wanted to try. Come on! It's been a week, and I have not heard a word from you. Something must have happened!"

"MMhh? So I have been this quiet, uh? I don't want to worry you. Nothing bad happened to me, I have just been in my head a lot lately, that's all." -She gave her  crooked smile, in an attempt to deflect, but Debbie was on her case, she knew something was off-

"Look, I don't want to put pressure on you, but you have to tell me...Did something happen with the neighbour? Does he know you've been thirsting on him for two years now?"

The barrage of questions made Phoenix blush and open her mouth. No sound came out of it, so she quickly closed it and felt her cheeks burning. Debbie Malone was a straightforward woman who never beat around the bush when she had something in mind. Nix racked her brain to see where she failed and how her friend was able to easily read into her, and it became clear that it was the lack of communication about the hot neighbor that set off Debbie's alarm. Her shoulders dropped, and the honey-haired teacher leaned into her chair.

"I have to give it to you, Deb, you're good." - She tried to play it off cool, but her heart was racing against her ribcage- 

"Told ya I know people. And you, my dear, are an open book when it comes to people you like. You can't be talking every single day about that hot neighbour and suddenly stop unless something happened. Now, tell me what happened!"

"He knows about how hard I am lusting after him." -Nix conceded- "He knows how intensely I have been wanting him too." -She grinned- "And.... he actually liked hearing it all. Mind you, that happened in the middle of us fucking.." -She let it slip and stuck her tongue out-

"Wait.....WHAT?" Debbie almost screamed her last word. She took a sip of her coffee and put her cup down. Her eyes grew wide, and she pointed a finger at Phoenix, who chuckled at her friend's reaction.- "When???? How??? You gotta be shitting me!"

"Ahahaha, no! Honest to God! We fucked... A little bit over a week ago. We... met by accident in the elevator, and I had a rough night. I wanted to relax at home, to catch a glimpse of him and flick my bean after, but he entered the elevator at that exact moment, Deb. We started to have small talk, I offered him dinner sometime later, and he agreed, and before I knew it, I was at his door wearing lingerie and holding a big bowl of marinara meatballs and pasta I made for us."

"No fucking way!!!!!! Did you two even eat anything, or did you go at it like rabid animals?"

"Deb!!!!! You know I have patience! I actually just wanted to tease him that night, to show him the goods, ahah oh my god, I really was fearless that night. He took it in stride, and before I knew it, we were making out. From the moment our lips touched, I knew that I would want more, and so did he. It was... electric, Deb. He made me rediscover myself that night. It was so much better than I ever imagined with him. I...I... I was so terrified he would not want to see me again. I was certain it would be a one-night stand with no more contact or acknowledgment from either of us, but it did not happen like that. He came back the next day to take a look at my radiator and... We had sex again... but this time he stayed."

"And you did not want to tell your best friend after your dreams came true because?...." -Debbie lifted a brow, waiting for Nix to explain why she kept something that huge under wraps. She was happy for her friend, genuinely, but also upset that Nix decided not to share the news with her-

"I'm sorry, Deb. I was not sure if it was true, and frankly, I was scared to be humiliated if I had my dreams up and he shattered them by avoiding me....Ridiculous, I know, but there is just something about him that makes me nervous....like a teenager with her first crush."

It suddenly clicked in Debbie's mind. Phoenix was afraid of rejection. They had a conversation a year ago, right at the time Debbie had started to crush on Wallace Walker, the handsome and reliable chief of the firehouse near the school. Back then, Debbie would only talk about romance and ex-boyfriends and would ask Phoenix about her love life.  Nix readily admitted that her love life was disastrous, that she had one night stands (in truth, she was talking about her missions), one childhood love who betrayed her in the worst ways (a childhood sweatheart who faked his own death to leave the country and start a fresh new life in another one, which technically was true), and that was it. 

Debbie knew that it heavily impacted Phoenix's self-esteem.  Through their conversations, she caught several comments made out of the young woman's control that revealed a wound so deep and so freshly opened that it broke Debbie's heart. Nix believed she could not be loved, that there was nothing that could make anyone stay with her. She reasoned that she had no friends, with Debbie being the first true friend she ever had, and the exception to that arbitrary rule Phoenix cast upon herself. If she could not even have friends, how could she find someone who liked her? And while the teacher never formally claimed to have lost all hope of a decent and lovely life, Debbie could read between the lines. So it made sense that she did not want to talk about the hot neighbour because that could invite a lot of hurt in. Nix had already decided that it could not work because he could not possibly fall for someone like her. 

"Ohhh, so you don't want it to just be a fling, do you?" - Nix shook her head- "But you're afraid. I can tell."

"Marc is really a good man, Deb. He's devoted to his job, to helping people. He risks his life every single day, and I just think that he's too good for me, you know? He cares for me, at least; he acted like it. He is attentive to my needs, he listens to me, he comforts me when I am scared."

"Then why are you twisting your brain like that?  You have just started to see each other, haven't you? Why anticipate such a gloomy ending when it's barely just beginning?"

"I'm covering my bases, I guess. I don't want to make stories in my head and think that there is a chance he would want to be with me when there is none." She dropped her head and squeezed the fabric of her skirt in her fists. " Debbie, I'm alright, okay? I am actually very happy to have been able to spend time with him."

"Ye-yeah, take it one step at a time, day after day. You-- How about you tell me the naughty deets, uh? You two had sex, and I want to know how good Marc is in bed." 

Debbie smiled at her friend, a way for her to try to hide her growing concern for her. She did not expect Phoenix to actually confide in her more than she already did and kept mental notes for the time being about Nix's insecurities. It would come in handy regardless of the turn this relationship could make. Deep down, the brunette wished for her honey-haired friend to actually find a very fulfilling relationship, but it was way too soon to know if it would be the case with Marc or not.  Nix took a sip of her coffee and gave Debbie a crooked smile, announcing her desire to indulge her friend and tell her what happened with Marc and how good a lover he was with her. They talked about it for a good couple of hours, interspersed with laughter, relief, and joy, even as she shared her good memories with her friend. In truth, Phoenix felt relieved. 

She did not realize it yet, but she felt so good talking about Marc. He brought light into her existence, something she had not anticipated when they spent their first night together. He healed something in her that night, somehow; he welcomed her as she was, with the unexpected and the adorable. For a brief moment, she felt like a normal human being, like a person without a red ledger, like the teacher she wanted to become. With him, she could almost feel that she was forgiven for all the sins she had committed before. It felt as if she could put behind her the life as an assassin, and those few hours spent with him were life-saving. They were everything...But could she handle losing him if he dug up her past? Yet, talking to Debbie helped squash this thought. It just felt good to be able to share something good that happened to her with a friend. 

-TBC- 

The Pitt Oc: Nana Okwuje-Mclane

Main Faceclaim:  Wunmi Mosaku

Name: Nana Okwuje-Mclane

Age: 35 years old.

Nationality: Nigerian-American

Height: 162 cm 

Weight: 60 kg

Special features: Nana has warm, vibrant amber eyes. She also has burn scars on her left arm that are completely covered with bandages at all times.  Her voice is soft and compelling. 

Physical appearance:  Nana is a beautiful woman with coily black hair, which she sometimes styles with braids. She is curvy but hides her curves under heavy fabric. She has plump lips and an almond-shaped face with delicate features. Despite the harsh childhood she had, she retained her beauty and soft skin (save for the burned left arm and subtle scars on her face).

Sexual orientation: Heterosexual

Professional Information

Occupation: Emergency Medicine Physician

Position: Attending physician.

Speciality: Emergency Medicine

Department: Emergency Department

Workplace: Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Center (The Pitt)

Education & Background: Originally from New Jersey, legally blind and deaf on her right side due to a freak accident when she was young. Traumatic childhood from the abusive foster homes she went to.  

Abilities: 

• High Pain Tolerance: Due to her traumatic childhood, Nana has a high pain tolerance. She can endure torture and physical violence. 

Skills: 

• Gifted Intellect: Nana is a very clever woman. She's very observant and aware of her surroundings and situation. She especially uses that skill to navigate relationships with her colleagues or deal with her patients and their families. 

Weaknesses/Crippling fears: She is terrified of fire and would freeze if a fire broke at the hospital, thus putting herself in danger.

Family:

• Mother: [name redacted. Deceased during a home robbery]
• Father: [name redacted. Deceased during a home robbery.]
• Adoptive Mother: [Myra McLane, alive]
• Adoptive Father: [John McLane, alive]
• Sister: [Naomi Okwuje, Deceased during a home robbery]
• Brother: [Cody McLane, alive]

Universe:   The Pitt

Status:  Alive. 

Personality:

Nana is very clever. She's also determined and stubborn and would stop at nothing to save a patient, even if that means risking her own health to get to that point.  She is a brilliant physician whose fast-thinking saved plenty of dire situations. She is direct, outspoken, and does not hesitate to heatbutt her way towards the truth if needs there is. She is not cynical despite the decades of abuse she suffered in the foster system and the trauma from the home invasion that slaughtered her family. Instead, it gave her a relentless drive to save lives, sometimes putting her at odds with hierarchy and hospital politics. 

Nana is a very guarded woman when it comes to her emotional scars.  She only communicates with those she is close to ( like Robbie, Dana, Heather and Frank), and only they know about the way her biological family died and why she is extremely sensitive when she receives patients from both the foster care and who are orphans. The nurses respect her and casually joke about her nonexistent love life. The other doctors appreciate her but dread when she is not in a good mood, or they make an enemy out of her. The students are afraid of her - as in they don't want to be on her naughty list -. She respects her colleagues, students and nurses, but if one crosses her, she shows no mercy. She will remain professional and work with them, but will make the whole time miserable for both. 

She is a good listener, brave, and easily admires new things she encounters. She can also be very sarcastic and thrives in banters with Jack Landon, Dana and Robbie.  Because of her traumatic childhood, she also plasters a lot of fake smiles because she refuses to look back and truly face her emotions. She has been celibate for a decade, mostly because she does not trust men and is afraid of having her heart broken again by someone she trusts. Yet, her relationship with Robbie would blossom on the battlefield that is the Pitt, and she would open up to him, knowing that he might just break her heart again. 

Fictional Character Biography: 

Nana's life had a beautiful start, cut short way too early. Born to loving parents and with a lovely big sister, Nana spent the first 6 years of her life basking in love. She was a very happy little girl, fearless and curious about life. Unfortunately, a few days after her 6th birthday, robbers invaded their home. She hid in a cabinet inside her bedroom while robbers attacked, tied up and killed her parents and sister before setting fire to the house to destroy the evidence. Rescued by firefighters and police officers, Nana was then placed in foster homes.  She survived countless horrors in the system and went from abusive homes to abusive homes until she was finally welcomed by the McLanes. They adopted her when she was 16, and they supported her in everything she needed. They helped her heal and feel safe. They helped her achieve her goals, and she successfully became an Emergency physician. 

Nana's current life is what she considers stable and good. She has loving parents, has a career she loves and is devoted to. She did not let romance into her life because she does not trust men (except for her dad, Landon and Robbie); however, she realised that she fell in love with Michael Robinavitch and was confused about what to do with it. She knows how complicated things are with Robbie and does not know if her feelings would be welcomed positively. Everyone notices the growing sexual tension between the two of them, to the point that  Dana teases them every single time they come to talk to her.  

Current history:

The story takes place after season 2 and probably season 3. It starts after Robbie and Nana have sex in the restroom. After a year of longing and tension, they finally gave in to their feelings. It made Robbie realise that he fell in love with Nana, and it reinforced Nana's feelings for him as well. Yet, not ready to face those emotions and the surprised confession of love during their sexual encounter, they agreed to keep it casual and cool.  It's obviously not working because the two of them are drawn to each other.  Would they be able to build a safe and stable relationship? Time will tell. 

Trivia: 

TBC

Windora trivia : What I love about him. Lux edition.

Lux Trivia headcanon: what I love about them

 

Lux: " Jake is simply unforgettable. I have him under my skin, literally obsessed with my special human. Jake is like a storm. I like it when it rains and when there is a gentle storm. I like the noise of rain hitting the windows. I like the fresh wind and the smell of nature when rain comes and washes every sin away. Jake feels like it, like a gentle storm. He's comforting, fun, and exquisite with me. I like it when he humors me and follows me on my shenanigans. I love it when he tries to make me laugh and always succeeds. I love it when he plays songs for me. There is something so romantic when he takes his guitar and strums it for me. He is so skilled, so amazing to listen to. He has the voice of an angel, deep, rich, and so sensual. 

I could listen to him over and over again. I love it when he talks to me, you know, when he sees me having pleasure and wants me to keep going. Aaah.. Jake is amazing. I love that he has a darkness about him that I can feel but have not seen yet. He is effortlessly human. Effortlessly himself, flawed, yet perfect in my eyes. I love him. I love him so much that I don't know how I would be able to survive him. Jake is precious, and our love, if I can dare say it, is only going to be short-lived. And it's heartbreaking, but it's beautiful. I miss him when he's not here. I miss seeing him. I miss holding him. I miss kissing him. Aaah.. I am sappy, am I not?"

Windora trivia: how would you describe her with her flaws. Lux edition

Lux trivia: how would you describe her with her flaws

Lux: "Lux is a very stubborn creature. Once she sets her mind on something, she rarely gives up on it. She would put herself in danger if that helped her reach her goal. She lets anger cloud her best judgment, especially when she is under pressure. She is incredibly intense, regardless of what it is. When her first lover was murdered by a jealous rival, she tried to kill herself to join him in death. When Jake would be in danger, she would scorch the Earth to find him and to rescue him. 

If she were the most powerful being on Earth and anything happened to Jake, she might take her anguish and bloodlust out on humans. If her death was required to save her family, she would not hesitate to give it.  Lux is also bottling up her emotions. She rarely allows herself to express her anguish,  her fear, or even her sadness. She had to fight all her existence to look strong, to be strong; she simply had to learn how to keep to herself, to a fault.  Her inner rage, once unleashed, is a force to reckon with. She hurt people, and she hurt herself so much because of it."

Windora trivia: Secret they won't talk about

secret they won't talk about 😫 : Lux doesn't want Jake to know that she's both being coveted (for her title, her name, her lineage) and treated with disdain and contempt by the high nobility. She doesn't want him to see her in such vulnerability when she's treated like a god among humans. Obviously, Jake would witness it firsthand.

windora trivia: crying

Crying: 😢  When Lux cries, she cries blood. She doesn't like to be vulnerable in front of anyone and would only show her tears to loved ones. The last time she cried was after the death of Paolo. She would not hide her tears from Jake because she doesn't want to hide anything from him. She would first not admit she's sad, but would quickly want to be comforted by him.

Windora trivia : Anger

Anger: 😤  Lux can control her anger. She has to when she navigates the vampire high society. Her anger bubbles to the surface, and only a keen eye could actually notice it. Usually, when she's angry, she would bare her fangs,  her tail would wag violently, and she would become violent. You better not be in her way because she would obliterate you. Only a few people can calm her down. Her father, her brother, and Jake.

Windora Trivia: addiction and coping mechanism

Addiction and Coping Mechanism: 🩸   Lux is addicted to blood. Obviously, she's a vampire, so of course, she would be addicted to blood. She's very sensitive when it comes to its taste and can tell the difference between good blood and bad blood. Jake's blood is exquisite, so she is clearly addicted to it.  She's also addicted to his cum, to his taste, to everything about Jake. She's addicted to him. Through and through. 

When she's under stress, she tries to drown those feelings with alcohol or a fight. If it doesn't work, she would have sex, and if it doesn't work, she would go on a killing spree or just fight.

Windora trivia: Sex

Sex:🥵  Lux enjoys sex. She is very in touch with her sexuality and would never shy away from it. She loves exploring it and has been for the past 2000 years. She knows what she wants and what she hates, and would always seek pleasure wherever it is. Unfortunately for the vampire, the 20th century has been dry. She encountered really bad lovers who left a sour taste in her mouth. She is yearning for someone who can break her spirit and make her feel pleasure like she never had before. She wants to be manhandled and to turn her partner into her private fuck toy. Jake matches her freak. Perhaps he can make her lose her mind and give her the fucking that would turn her into a needy slut. Spoiler alert: yes, he does. Above and beyond. Not only is he her bloodbag, but he is her fuck toy, her Sir, her everything!

windora headcanon: Heartbreak

Heartbreak 💔 : Lux had her heart broken into pieces so many times. Starting with the day she turned into a vampire. Her old life was traumatic, so much so that she doesn't remember a lot of it and avoids any memory that could trigger the rest. She also had her heart broken when her human lover, Paolo, died, murdered by a jealous human. She was so heartbroken that the vampire tried to walk into the sun to die. On a different scale, the reception to her true form by vampires has been a source of pain for Lux. Many consider her to be a runt (half-baked vampire)  or non-orthodox looking ( Claws? a tail? without wings and without horns to complete the look? Bat-fangs, rather than the typical vampire's longer canines?) What many fail to realize it's that her physical appearance comes from the ancient blood that coursed her veins, and that she is a direct descendant of that elder vampire. Even Lux doesn't know about it and simply considers her appearance to be monstrous and disgraceful when presented in public. The other vampires, especially the elders, very often request that she present only as a semi-transformed vampire, with her bat-fangs being the only disgrace they can suffer from her. So she doesn't expect people other than her Sire and brother to actually care about her and see no problem with how she presents herself. She hides that discomfort with a bold attitude, but expects disgust when in full transformation.

Windora trivia: Soothing

Soothing 🥲 : When Lux becomes angry, very few people can actually soothe her. Her anger stems from fear. She usually fears losing her father (or Sire) and brother. She fears their deaths at the hands of his enemies in the royal court. She also fears being rejected, and usually lashes out instead of crying. She would only be calmed by her father's embrace or her brother's quips. When they are not around, and she has to deal with her emotions on her own? Oh, she kills. She breaks her own rules about not going after innocent humans and kills anyone who crosses her path.  When she doesn't kill, she fucks, or she indulges in hedonism and alcohol. It doesn't help her feel better, but at least it can quell the rage and fear. Jake can soothe her if he sings to her. His music truly makes her feel. She has access to emotions she thought were long dead. It would calm her. It would make her cry, maybe. It would make her hope. If Jake hugs her, she would also calm down. If he makes her feel welcomed and accepted, she would be calmer. She dreads the day he sees her as a monster. She dreads the day he will die, too.

windora trivia: Marriage

Marriage 🫶 :  In vampiredom, marriage is a serious matter. You can't marry anything that isn't a vampire, let alone a human - the weakest species. If you get yourself attached to a human being, to the point of considering marriage, you have to turn them into vampires, or else the union is doomed to fail and rejected by your peers. Lux only considered marriage once, with her human lover Paolo. She wanted to turn him into a vampire, but he always refused, preferring his humanity to eternity without his soul.  It never occurred to her mind to marry after Paolo died. She never fell in love after him -until she met Jake- and isn't thinking about it. However, should she want to get married, she would not do it under vampire laws. She would marry in a human courtroom and would live with her significant other until they die.  It is a serious matter to her. While she never thought about marriage since Paolo's death, she's been proposed to several times by other vampires. Her Sire always respected her choice because he knew that Lux wanted to be loved instead of used; She knew they wanted her status and the prestigious name of her family rather than her, and didn't want to give up her freedom to her suitor's whims.

Windora Headcanon: Love

Love: ❤️  Lux has been in love once with a handsome sculptor called Paolo, during the Renaissance. She was his muse, and Paolo sculpted her. He was a gentle soul who wasn't scared of her true form and who wanted her to embrace her true features when they were together, whereas others before her wanted her to forget about her true nature or to have her hide it from them. Paolo's love helped Lux reconnect with her inner self and humanity, and she was able to express tenderness and kindness. She was able to cry again, to feel again, and to find meaning in her life. Her sire and sibling noted that she was the most vibrant she's ever been in centuries and encouraged this relationship as Lux was her most pleasant. Unfortunately, he was killed by a jealous sculptor who wanted his fame. It broke her heart so bad that she tried to kill herself by stepping into the sun. Her sire and brother stopped her, and it took a while for Lux to recover. She swore to never fall in love ever again. Did she have acquaintances and relationships before and after Paolo? Yes, she did, but it wasn't love. It was infatuation that didn't blossom, mostly because of the other party. When she met Jake, she didn't expect to fall for him. She was attracted to his voice, to his trauma, to his blood, and his jokes, and the more time she spent with him, the more she was in touch with her humanity. She grew so attached to Jake that she became overprotective of him. She is struggling with her feelings because she knows he will die, and she doesn't want to suffer from the loss of him. Yet, she can't help but love him. She can't help but want him. She can't help but wish for him to share her life for however long he can.

Windora trivia: Death

Death 💀 : Lux died once. She had to become a vampire. She doesn't remember a lot of what led her to willingly choose death, but she remembers her despair and the sensation of being trapped in a situation that was worse than death. She embraced vampiredom with grace and thought nothing of immortality for centuries. Yet, after 1000 years as a vampire, it started to wear her down. Everything became meaningless; her life felt meaningless. Then she fell in love with Paolo, her Italian sculptor in the Renaissance. She felt alive again, and she tried to live the moment to its fullest, given his fragile nature as a human. His death devastated her to the point that she tried to step into the sun and was saved by her Sire and "sibling".  She recovered from her heartbreak and returned to her life, thinking that it was meaningless to live for this long for basically no purpose. Since meeting Jake, however, Lust wants to die. She wants to experience life with him, give it meaning, and then die afterwards when he's old and about to die. She wants him to become her last. But at the same time, she's also not ready to die and would fight for her life. It's complicated with her. complicated.

Phoenix trivia : What I love about him. Nixus edition.

Trivia headcanon: what I love about them

Nix: " Marc's kindness is something I really love. It was the first thing I actually noticed when I saw him for the first time. He was so kind to the children that I could not ignore it. I love that he is a good person. I love that he is trying to be. We are not perfect, but he really is trying. I love that he is tender and sweet to me. I have never had that level of tenderness towards me. Anton... liked my presence, but he never made me feel wanted. Come to think of it, the fact that Marc is so transparent with his feelings and it's so clear for both of us is something I appreciate a lot.  I love his sense of humour. He makes me genuinely laugh and chuckle when we spend time together. 

He is cozy, you know? Cozy like a home... like a place I never really had to myself before. He feels like safety, like gentleness, like protection. I feel safe with him, and I love it.  I love... the way he hugs me, and tells me I am beautiful. It makes me feel beautiful. It makes me feel wanted. And you know, the passion he has for his job is truly incredible. He is a good man who wants to do good, and to listen to him talk about it and watch his face light up when he tells me he put some bad people behind bars has got to be the thing I love the most.  I love how much of a good listener he is. I always feel understood by him... I love...him.. I mean, I love this about him."

Phoenix trivia: how would you describe her with her flaws. Nixus edition

Phoenix trivia: how would you describe her with her flaws

Phoenix, "She is very guarded. Phoenix has been so used to mistrusting people and to protecting herself from heartbreak and betrayal that she is very difficult to get close to. She has been traumatized by what Anton did to her and refuses to have it happen again. Phoenix always assumes the worst of people and situations because it is her way of coping when things go awry. She also does not open up to people because she is afraid they would not like the real her. Phoenix casually runs towards danger. She does not consider her life to be of any importance and would not care if she ends up dead, as long as she protects those she loves and cares about. She is also very stubborn and would not listen to objections if she considers herself to be in the right."

Nixus trivia: What activity do they want to do with their boys // A fantasy that they have

What activity do they want to do with their Boy? 

Phoenix is very romantic at heart. She longs for dates with a boyfriend, where they would woo each other, make each other's hearts flutter. She wants long walks in the park, to go to the beach, and to watch movies together with her legs on top of his. She wants to go on hikes with him and to go to romantic restaurants they can afford as a teacher/ cop. She wants to sleep next to him and cuddle him. She wants to read her book while he watches his favorite game, and both would ask the other how it's going. She wants to listen to him talk about his special interests, to talk to him about hers, and to share a wonderful meal together. She wants to train with him and obviously wishes they could investigate together, and she could put her skills to good use for him. 

Now, a fantasy they have 

Well Well Well... Of all the fantasies that Nix had actually realized in her past, she actually wants to fully give in to him, in a way that would make her feel completely vulnerable. She wants to be tied up, perhaps even blindfolded, and be at his mercy.  She wants to be reduced to a begging mess. She wants to curl her toes, try to close her legs but be forbidden to, and even try to reach out to him but be unable to. She wants to be praised, to be tasted, to be turned into a puddle of nerves.  She wishes to have him use his cop handcuffs on her ehe. As for what she wants to do to him, she wants to make a mess out of him, to tease him until he begs her to stop doing it, and to give it to him. Perhaps he would be tied to the chair or the bed, perhaps she would simply work him until he comes undone. 

Nixus: Sweet trivia (Phoenix)

Sweet trivia

Phoenix likes to cook for Marc. It is one thing she loves to do the most for him. After his very long shifts, she likes to welcome him to the delicious smell of the warm dishes she made for him. She also likes to massage his shoulders and neck when he sits on his chair. Phoenix likes to sit on his lap and wrap her arms around his shoulders. They would talk, and she would pepper his face with kisses and pecks. She would love to massage his scalp and rub her nose against his.  She is a very romantic person and would sometimes bring food to his precinct for him. Phoenix would slowly take the habit to text him every morning (and sometimes at night), some very sweet texts. 

Nixus: Christmas trivia + spicy one

Christmas trivia + spicy one

1) If God exists, I wish he could actually bring peace to Marc. I think he's been through hell already, and I want nothing but a sweet life for him. I want to alleviate his heavy heart and shoulder the weight he carries on his shoulders, too. 

2) I would love to spend Christmas with him. It is a holiday I actually love. I love seeing people try to be better. I love how softer the world becomes.  I love the snow coat that makes the world prettier. I love the hot wine, the hot coco and all the sweets we can eat during the holiday. I want to put up a tree and to cozy up at my place (or his) and exchange presents. Yeah... I want that. I would love that. 

3) So far? I love the way he grunts and moans when he is inside me. I love the way he intensely looks at me, as if he is studying my every reaction. I love the way he calls me his good girl, and he encourages me. He is so hot, so handsome, so sexy! And you know what I love the most? When he smiles at me, our eyes lock in each other. I love his smile. I love it so much that it turns me on. Oh, and when he fingers me and his lips and tongue work their magic inside me? I lose my mind. 

Nixus headcanons: Marc edition

// From N's mouth.

Crying: 

Marc does not cry often. It's not that he's afraid to cry, or due to any sort of suppressed male emotion, because he thinks it's not okay for men to cry. If he is brought to the point of tears, he will cry. Though he would prefer it if this happened privately. 

Marc doesn't cry often because it takes a lot to bring him to tears. He has seen a lot of bad things. A lot of tragedy. As a cop, he had gotten used to showing up on the worst day of people's lives. It changes a person, and Marc is exceptionally good at compartmentalizing. Something would have to affect him deeply and personally for him to cry.

Heartbreak: 

Not something he has had to contend with since his high school sweetheart dumped him a week before prom so that Chris Sanderson could take her instead. That was a rough time, but the sting has long since faded. 

His casual attitude towards relationships has not left much room for heartbreak of the romantic sort. 

The fact that his beloved Detroit Lions have never made the Super Bowl, however? Truly devastating.

Secret they won't talk about:

Some things happened in Afghanistan that Marc will simply never be able to put into words. He couldn't burden another person with the reality of the things that he experienced, and anyone who wasn't there would never really understand it. He lives with it because there is no other choice. He will never speak of it in detail, not even to Nix.

Sex: 

Marc enjoys sex. However, it has been a very long time since sex was anything more to him than a necessary physical release. Relationships have been few. And always casual. Little more than friends with benefits for a period of time. 

Marc believes in mutual pleasure and leaving his partners satisfied, but it has been so long since he had a deep and meaningful connection. He truly doesn't know how good sex can be when it's with someone extra special.

Anger: 

Marc knows how to keep his emotions in check. Suspects try to provoke him at all times when he is on the job. Marc knows how to keep himself squared away. 

The only time his anger is going to show is when it's personal.  His only real raw nerve is his father. Fortunately, it rarely comes up, since he hasn't seen the man in 25 years.

Addiction and coping mechanism: 

His work. Marc has thrown himself completely into his job. There is no work/life balance. The army brought order into a chaotic life, and Marc clung to that order, the way everything just made sense. It made things simple, easy. Becoming a cop was a natural next step. A strict set of rules to follow, a certain way to be... without it, he would be lost.

Marriage: 

He is not against it, but has never really given it much thought. If he met the right person, marriage would probably feel like a natural next step to him.

Soothing: 

Not one to rely on others, Marc turns to work when he needs soothing. He has made good friends on the force. Those he is closest to are the closest thing that he has to family. Being around them is good, and the job serves as a more than adequate distraction from most things that bother him to any serious degree.

DDBA chapter 5: Stressful questions

Matt ran his fingers through Hayley's hair. It felt surreal, there in the comfort of her bedroom. He enjoyed her calm and steady heartbeats. She was content in this moment, curled up against him. Her right hand was cupping his cheek, and her thumb was slowly stroking his stubbled cheek.  Her soft skin was warm against his, and he leaned into her touch.  Matt felt her gaze on him. Hayley was intently staring at him, but he felt that she was comfortable with him. It felt as if they were a couple, both enjoying each other's company. This moment felt like a bubble of fresh air, as if Fisk wasn't terrorizing the city and stoking the flames of hatred and paranoia. It felt like a bubble of fresh air, as if he were not going through a nasty breakup with Heather. He was falling in love with that woman, and she decided to rip his heart apart. Well... Could he fully blame her?

 He lied to her when he hid Daredevil away from her. He lied to her when he pretended he was fine when everything was fucking off around him. Still... She chose Fisk. She chose to go on a crusade against Daredevil. She chose to paint everyone under the same brush, maybe even going as far as considering Daredevil responsible for the creation of vigilantes and villains in town. Matt rejected her thesis. He refused to accept that his very existence brought all those lunatics and damaged people here... He was not the first and would definitely not be the last, so why did she decide to crucify him like that? It broke something in Matt, but Hayley's hand on his cheek soothed his aching heart. She brought him back to the present, to that room, to her, and he smiled at her. 

"I don't want to leave the bed, Matt."

" I don't want either. It's good... This.... This is good, Lee."

She moved closer to his frame and rubbed her nose against the crook of his neck. Her arm wrapped around his waist, and her cheek pressed against the hard skin of his shoulder. Matt wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into a tighter hug.  He could feel her warm breath brush against his skin, and he smiled. It was comfortable here, with her. He kissed the top of her head and let his fingers sink into the soft flesh of the young woman.  He knew that he could not stay there for more than one day. He had so much to do at night, as Daredevil and Matt Murdock were still missing, so staying here was putting her in danger. She felt the conflict that was tormenting him and slowly lifted her head to have a better look at Daredevil. 

"A penny for your thoughts, Matt." 

"I'm not used to mornings like this one. Few people know about my double identity, and you might be the second one who actually doesn't judge me for being Daredevil."

"Why would I judge you? Did you forget? I beat up abusive spouses on my downtime." -She chuckled and lost her fingers in his black mane- "I could say the very same about you. You are the first person who knows the truth about me, and you are still here. Many would have left."

"I guess I am not afraid."

He was used to it. Elektra was the best and worst thing to have happened to him. She knew Matt, knew Daredevil, and understood both of them. She loved Daredevil more than she did Matt, and she always brought the worst impulses out of him. Elektra was intense, perhaps too suffocating.  Being together with her was thrilling, unexpected, and always kept Matt on edge. He was attracted to it, to that darker side of himself she embodied. Here, with Hayley, things were different. There was peace. There was warmth and an understanding that he could never get from anyone before her. 

"Me neither. " She  smiled at him and gently rubbed her nose against his chest- "I think we should just get some questions out of the way, shall we?"

"Right now? I wanted to keep the good memories of the night alive." -He grinned, and she hit his chest with her palm- 

"Who said we won't come back to that? I just suggest that we put that conversation behind us... Ask me anything. I will answer truthfully." -She planted a kiss on his pec, and he took a deep breath-

"Were you raised by the H.A.N.D? " 

"Yes. They took me in as a baby and raised me to become an assassin. Your turn." -He nodded- "When were you trained by Stick?"

It surprised him. Matt expected Hayley to ask him questions about his blindness. Everybody wanted to know whether he was born blind or had become one. Everybody wanted to know what happened to him and how he managed to survive all these years.  Instead, she wanted to know how he knew Stick. That made him grin, and he stroked his chin. 

"I was a kid. My dad had just died. He took me from the orphanage and became my guardian."

"Given the way you speak of him, I would say he's more of a father figure. He raised you."

"He trained me." -He tilted his head to the side- "He raised me." 

"It's complicated. I get it." -She planted another kiss to Matt's shoulder and nuzzled his neck- "I both hated and loved my mentor. They were ruthless, but I learned how to defend myself, and how to protect those I love, at least that is what I want to remember." -Matt kissed the top of her head again-

"How did you leave the H.A.N.D?" -He wasn't sure it was the right question to ask.-

He wanted to know how she could walk the streets of Hell's Kitchen freely.  The H.A.N.D would have chased after, and he suspected that it was still the case. Usually, when you joined it, you could not leave it. Elektra did not fully leave the H.A.N.D somehow, she was still tethered to it. He felt her stiffen against his frame, and she hid her face against his chest. 

"One day,  I decided that I did not want to be a pawn anymore. I did not want to serve someone else's interests. I wanted to live for myself. I wanted to be... myself." -He held her closer to his frame and stroked her back- " They are looking for me. I have to be careful and look past my shoulders. Always."

"Did they find you here?" -She shook her head and  sank her fingers into the taut flesh of his chest- "If you need me, I'll be there."

" Yeah.... Thanks...Were you in love with Heather?" -The question took him by surprise.-

He did not answer as fast as he wanted. He could not. Did he love Heather? Yes, he did. He fell for her, and that was why her choice to side with Fisk hurt him more than he wanted to admit. He loved her, but she betrayed him, and while that love could not vanish with a snap of his fingers, Matt was not thinking about her when Hayley was in his arms. She pulled away from his chest and narrowed her gaze as he was taking too long to answer. 

"I... I was. Yeah.. I loved her.  I thought she was going to be Mrs Right, but I was not being fully transparent with her. I was being Daredevil behind her back. It could not last."

"You are trying to reason here... My question was simple..." -She sighed and pulled away from him so she could pull herself up by the hands and hover a little bit above him- " Were you in love with Heather?"

"Yes. I was.... Still am." - He reluctantly whispered. It did not hurt Hayley as she was expecting Matt to still be in love with his girlfriend. She knew, through her conversations with Heather, that it was something serious. They both loved each other, and both felt wronged by the other. She knew now that the relationship was not going to work, but feelings did not end just because a situation ended.-

"It is not going to change that easily. You don't fall out of love with a snap of a finger. You will love her for a long time. I... We...." -He put his forefinger to her mouth and smiled at her-

"Did you ever fall in love with someone?" -Why did he want to know? It made him wince at his own cringe.-

She blushed and sucked on her bottom lip. Well, did she? Being in the organization had not allowed the young woman the chance to live a full-blown romance. She had flings, yes. She even had favourites. People she fell in love with? No... Yes! She fell in love once. No. It did not last long. It could not last long. A melancholic expression tainted her features, and she tucked her hair behind her ear.  He cupped her cheek and gently stroked it with his thumb. 

"I did.... Once.  It is just... it was a folly on my part. I fell in love with a civilian, and for two months, I was in a little bubble. It was just impossible for us to be together because of my... because of who I am." -It would not happen with him. She wanted to tell him, but the words got stuck at the back of her throat-

She sat on the bed, crossed her legs, and folded her arms.  Matt sat as well and held onto her shoulder. He could feel how nervous and heartbroken she was.  She leaned into his touch and put her hand over his.  He slowly moved his hand from her shoulder to her neck.  He did not want her to retreat into her own mind, to feel that she should be upset because she had to be vulnerable. 

"We don't choose who we fall in love with.  Hell, I was in a relationship with an anti-vigilante shrink while hiding the fact that I was Daredevil. Delusional much?" -He gave her a sheepish chuckle, and she chuckled back.-

He was right. She fell in love with that man, wanted to have a normal life, but nothing about her was normal. How could it be normal when she was an assassin? It made her sigh, and she swallowed a lump. Perhaps she should not read too much into this relationship. Perhaps she should not expect much from it... Perhaps... Perhaps.....  Matt pulled her into a kiss, a soft one, full of promises. They talked about the hardest topic, at least for the time being. He wanted to put her fears to rest. He wanted to show her that it was okay to just be in the moment.  And little by little, she melted in his arms. Little by little, she felt whole again.   

What do you mean?

"What do you mean, I love you  too much?"

What do you mean by "you feel suffocated"?

What do you mean by "I put you on too high a pedestal"?

When you kept telling me that my love was welcome. 

When you kept telling me that I was more than enough. 

When you kept telling me that you loved being in my life. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 

The whiplash from the change of tune almost made me dizzy. 

One minute you love me, the next you run away from me. 

That got me thinking. 

It is not me. I am not the reason for our end. 

You simply decided that you no longer wanted me in your life. 

You simply decided to put the blame on me. 

Easier to turn me into the reason you feel upset,

While I know that your life is unraveling, and your secrets are being spilled. 

While I know you resent me for keeping a positive mind when everything is breaking down around me.

Easier to turn me into the reason you feel upset,

And to try to trash the bond we once shared. 

And to try to project your self-loathing onto me. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 

I wondered if I loved too much and if my relationships were real.

My mind broke for a while, and tears kept on rolling. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 

I let your actions blur the truth to me, reshape the way I think of myself. 

I let it affect me when it should not have. It is your bullshit and not mine. 

What do you mean by " I love you too much"?

When you kept telling me the opposite.

When you kept loving me all the same. 

When you kept asking me not to change.

What do you mean by " I love you too much"?

When I know you simply don't love me enough. 

// Vent piece. 

Nixus: Dark Routine

Phoenix put her hands on the sink. She dropped her head low and groaned in pain. Her ribs were hurting, her knuckles were bruised.  Her face was puffy, and mascara was running down her cheeks. Her hair was disheveled, and blood was splattered on her face, her knuckles, her shirt. She assessed the injuries, a broken rib here, bruises on her chest and legs. She filed a nail, broke another, lost a shoe, and tore her dress apart. Her blue eyes averted from her hands to her face.  She was a mess. a big mess, but the sight made her laugh. She ran her hand through her hair and slipped on the bathroom floor.  A sad chuckle escaped her lips, and she slowly dragged herself to the bathtub. She leaned her back against it and put her arms on her lap. What a pathetic little life! 

The honey-haired woman then yanked her head back and took a deep breath. What the hell was she doing? Why did she decide to throw herself into a fight that night? Another fight, another string of bruises and broken bones, another rush of adrenaline and endorphins. It made her happy...It made her feel ashamed, too. Who did that? Who went looking for a fight because it made them feel better? Sickos.. That's who... Sickos like her. Phoenix wanted to be punished. She might not be able to let them kill her; she was more than willing to take a beating. In her mind, she justified it as being merciful. She gave her opponents a head start so the fight would last longer. The truth was elsewhere. Nix let them hit her. She made herself vulnerable enough for them to be able to ruin her face and hurt her body like that. She let them... She did!

With each punch, she felt the satisfaction of punishment. She used these people as a way to enact her self-hatred on herself, a way to hurt her like she could not. Pathetic! Did she hate herself that much? Did she even love herself? Questions she had never truly asked herself. Was there anything to love about her? Phoenix sucked at her bottom lip and slowly pulled her legs up. Her feet lay flat on the floor, and her arms wrapped around her knees. She never loved herself. She was a tool, had been from the moment she was kidnapped by the Guild.  They turned her into a killing machine, an enraged dog they sent after their enemies. She barked when they wanted them to. She mauled when they needed her to, and there was nothing else for her. They brought little comfort, just enough so she could feel rewarded, but not enough so she could sit down and think about what she liked, what she wanted to do in her life besides killing for the Guild. There was nothing left.... 

Or so she thought. 

She fell in love. He loved her, too, or maybe he pretended to.  She did not know. That love made her realize that she had something to give. That love made her realize that she wanted more of life than just being a tool.  That love made her appreciate herself a little more. She liked her laugh. She liked her tooth gap. She even liked the uncanny blue eyes that everyone thought were contacts. She surprised herself with dreams of freedom, lovely little dreams that made her yearn for more. She liked her jokes, the way she cuddled Anton, and the way she cared for him. She was creative, inspired by the smiles he would give her. She enjoyed her softness, her capacity to give love. She enjoyed the version of herself she glimpsed. A version capable of love. A version capable of softness... A version that wanted to live. She was able to build rather than destroy, and she loved it. She liked herself there.... She liked herself.... Why could she not love herself? Phoenix sighed and slowly cried against her knees. What could she do, if not cry her heart out? 

Heartbreak

Why did I believe you would be different? I guess I was blinded by my own affection for you. I guess I wanted something better for both of us.  I wanted us to be soulmates. I mean, friendship-wise. I wanted us to love each other unconditionally. I wanted us to care for each other in ways we have not been cared for in our lives. I wanted so much for us, and in a way, we achieved it if we keep our distance, I guess. It took me a while to realize that you do not want to meet me. You do not want me to see you as you are. Part of me wonders if you want to hide your real face from me. I wonder if you want to hide your real personality from me. How much of you is real? I guess that a lot of what I know is true. You don't lie to me. You don't pretend... I can tell. I want to believe that I can.  I want to believe that I know a part of you that is real and sincere.... If it's not, oh, if it's not... 

I don't know how I would react, and I would rather not think about it. I would rather work towards accepting that you will never truly be mine. You will never truly be mine--- Ah... What do I mean when I say that? I guess, I mean,  I wanted you and me to have a very special bond. I wanted us to be friends, beyond friends... beyond lovers.., I wanted you to be my safe place and my dearest friend. I wanted you to be my muse. I wanted you to be my person.... And I thought you were. Artistically speaking, oh, you clearly are. Amically speaking.... I think we do not want the same thing. I think we do not mean the same thing. I guess, with me, there would never be something deeper than what I wish we could be. I guess that is why I am so heartbroken. I wanted things that could never be. 

I wanted things that could never be. The truth is that I love you more than you do. I care for you more than you claim. We would never be the type of friends I wanted us to be. I think that this will be true with other people, and it is okay. I have to accept it. I have to digest it... I have to.... Even if it is difficult. I hurt. I break. I am so upset. I am so disappointed in you, and I think that it is eating me up. I am so disappointed in myself for being upset, but I have been told that it is normal. You were my friend, and to meet with you in the flesh was the next right step. You did not want it. Not just once, but twice... so really.... How can you be a friend to me? How can you be? I am upset, and I don't know how long it would take for me to handle that pain, but I aim to focus on what is important... my future. My wedding. my book... my life. Add if you don''t want to walk the path with me, I would simply leave you behind and keep you at a distance. Trust!

Trivia: Nixus; Sex//anger// addiction and coping mechanism.

Sex: Phoenix enjoys sex. She is very in touch with her sexuality and would never shy away from it. She loves exploring it and tries to find new ways to find pleasure. She knows what she wants and what she hates, and would always seek pleasure wherever it is. Before Marc, sex was usually used as a way to manipulate her targets or blow some steam off. She didn't find it as pleasurable as when she was doing it on her own. Marc changed that for her. He helped her access her vulnerability and find genuine pleasure in sex. 

Anger: Nix can control her anger. She was trained to be as efficient as possible, and that entailed being able to control her emotions so nothing could transpire. Only the trained eyes and ears could actually notice when she's angry. Marc could because he has keen eyes. However, when Phoenix lashes out, you'd better not be on her path, or she will obliterate you. 

Addiction and Coping Mechanism:  Phoenix is addicted to pain. She's an assassin who derives pleasure from self-mutilation/ pain from her injuries. She's also addicted to everything about Marc. She's addicted to him, through and through. 

When she's under stress, she tries to drown those feelings with a smoke or a fight. Usually, she would also beat up bullies and gangsters within an inch of their lives. 

Trivia: Nixus: Marriage // Heartbreak // Soothing

Marriage:  Phoenix had considered Marriage once, with her first love, Anton. After his betrayal, she wasn't even sure anyone would ever want her, to begin with.  She enjoys reading romance novels because they allow her mind to escape her reality as an assassin. However, since meeting Marc, the desire to get married resurfaces, stronger than ever. 

Can they get married? Nix is not sure they can, since her identity is not genuine. However, the Guild has connections all over the world, so her "Clean Slate Identity" appears to be legit. 

Heartbreak: Phoenix fell in love, once,  before she met Marc. Her former lover betrayed her and faked his own death. It broke her heart for what she thought was beyond repair.  Nix is extremely pessimistic and distraught about her past. Outside the romantic aspect of her life, she had her heart broken several times by the Guild, First. They made her kill her dog. They made her fight to the death the friends she made while she was growing up, and she was also forced to have sex in part of her training. She had to kill her mentor and handler, whom she considered a father. 

Soothing: When Nix becomes angry, very few people can actually soothe her. Her anger stems from fear and pain. She usually fears losing Marc and her friend Debbie. She also fears being rejected, and usually lashes out instead of crying. She would only be calmed by the soothing presence of Marc or Debbie.

When they are not around, and she has to deal with her emotions on her own? Oh, she beats people up.  She struggles with not killing them, but always beats them within an inch of their lives. When she doesn't kill, she fucks, or she indulges in hedonism and cigarettes. It doesn't help her feel better, but at least it can quell the rage and fear. She can also fight or train. She seeks pain to distract her mind. 

Trivia: Nixus: Crying // secret they won't talk about

Crying:  Phoenix doesn't like to cry in front of others. She would always try to isolate herself so she could cry alone. It was first due to the way she was raised. As an assassin, she should keep her emotions to herself. She associated her tears with weakness, and only a handful of people saw her cry and lived to tell the tale. Marc would be the first to see her cry, the first to comfort her, and the first to encourage her to keep crying. She feels safe with him, and therefore, she could be vulnerable with him. 

Secret they won't talk about: Phoenix can't bring herself to tell Marc about being an assassin. She has the blood of innocent people on her hands and is haunted by her crimes. She knows that if she talks about them, Marc would have no other choice but to either kill her or throw her in prison. She could handle being killed, but she does not want to disappoint him, not after all the sacrifices he made. She does not want to disappoint him. 

Phoenix sensual questionnaire

Big spoon or little spoon? Little spoon (She needs to be held)

Have you ever been on a blind date? Nope. I don't understand the concept.

What's the best kiss you've ever had? It has to be the first one Marc gave me. This moment was spontaneous, and hot, and everything I wished it would be, and even some more. I will never forget it. 

What's the best date you've ever been on? I haven't been on a date with Marc just yet, so this one is a bit old. It happened long before I stopped at Detroit. While working the field and trapping my target, he spontaneously took me on a trip to his childhood home. It was in a little town, or a village, in Italy. It was such a simple life, and for the first time, I saw the real him. He was kind and tender to the people there and to me. 

Favourite way to be affectionate with someone?  I will cuddle the one I love. I will run my hand through his hair and will always massage his scalp. MMhhh, I would also kiss his neck and shoulder and bury my head there. 

Favourite place to be touched? Well... As cliché as it is. I love when he palms my ass. I love it so much when he holds it, kneads it, and squeezes it. 

What's your favourite memory of you together? That has to be our very first conversation. It was cute and so clumsy. Can you believe it? a meet-cute in an elevator? 

Top, bottom, or both? Both. 

Do you like it rough or sensual? Both, although I am more inclined to be sensual. I love to make love, and with Marc, it is something even deeper. It feels so intense and beautiful, and I feel this incredible connection with him. I can be vulnerable with him and safe and comfortable too.

How do you feel about sex toys? I am indifferent to them. I use my fingers instead. 

What's the hottest thing someone can say to you in bed? That I am a good girl! That I'm tight and wet for them. That I am such a good girl for taking such a big cock. That I look good doing whatever I'm doing to them. That they are losing their minds because of me, because I feel good. This is so hot... oh, and that they love me. 

Do you prefer to give or receive? I love to give. I love to watch the reactions of my lover to whatever I'm doing to them.  I also love to be on the receiving end. With Marc, he always makes sure that I get off. It's wonderful! I love when he touches me, when he uses his tongue or fingers to lick, suckle, or pull on my nipples or any other part of my body. I love it when he thrusts into me. I love being on the receiving end of his care, and I love giving him so much pleasure. It's difficult to choose what I love most.  

What's something you secretly fantasise about? For now, I think I just want our neighbours to hear us when we have sex. I want them to know he fucks me and he fucks me good.  I am not a screamer, but it could be hot to become one. 

What's your favourite type of kiss? I love making out, sloooowly. I love it when we take our time. I love it when he holds my neck and scalp. 

Juicy questions to ask about your relationship: 

What initially attracted you to him/her?  His gentle smile. He was so kind to our neighbours. He was so kind to the kids that I could not help but be attracted to him. Then, upon talking to him, his simple desires, his charming personality, and the fact that I feel safe with him when we talk or when he is around truly make me feel good. I love his sense of humour and how caring he is. That made me want to know him more and better. 

Would you change anything about the way you met? No. It was like in the movies. spontaneous and charming. 

Have you ever been in love? Yes. A fellow assassin I grew up with. *Is falling in love with Marc*

Why did things end with your last ex? He faked his own death and sold me out to the Guild on his way out. 

What's one of your dating deal-breakers? Physical violence is a no-no. Psychological abuse as well. To be treated like a possession or a monster... Fortunately for me, Marc does nothing of that sort. 

Is there anything about the future that scares you? I'm afraid Marc would find out the truth about my past. He will have no choice but to arrest me, and the worst thing for me would be to be hated by him for my sins. 

The most forbidden person you've ever had a crush on?  Marc Flynn. He is a cop. he arrests bad guys, and I was one of them before. 

What's the wildest thing you've ever done for love? I accepted a risky plan to see my lover and me,  free from the Guild. We wanted to fake our deaths and run away from that place. I trusted him to see through with the plan and to leave with me, but he did not. He simply did not. He betrayed me, and I was forced to stay with the Guild - and was punished for trying to cross them-

Do you want to have a family someday? Yes---- but this is a dream I can't make true.... my child won't be happy with a mother like me.....But, God, do I wish to be. 

What's something you've always wanted to ask him/her but haven't? "Would you kill me if I told you I was a bad person and I deserve to die?" I just can't ask him that. 

Questions about sex:  

Where (or from whom) did you learn about sex growing up? I was trained for this by the Guild... 

How often do you like to be intimate? All day, every day! 

How important is sex to you in a relationship? It is a way to show our love for each other. It is also something I crave a lot because it feels good. It matters a lot to me, but it is not a deal-breaker if I don't have sex that much. I can deal with my own needs and would rather spend time with him than not, if he's not in the mood for it. 

How do you like to be touched? Well, I love it when he wants to make me feel good. I love it when he is determined and touches me firmly. I love it when he pulls me back to him and makes sure I can't escape his pleasurable touch. 

What's your favourite part about sex? His reactions to me. I thrive best when I can see how good he feels because of me. It is so intimate and sweet. 

The most challenging part about sex? I think itis about letting go completely. As an assassin, I always had to be in control. I always had to direct my lovers just so I could keep control of the situation. I am not used to letting others take control.

What makes you feel closer to someone during sex? When we talk, we laugh and chuckle, and we moan. We're vulnerable because we see what the other person likes and what can make them lose control. I feel closest to someone during these moments. I feel closer when we whisper in each other's ears, when we can confide in each other and express ourselves with no restraint. 

Do you prefer morning or evening sex? I'm more of a night person, but I fuck any time of the day. 

Lights on or off? On. I want to see his beautiful face. I want to see how messed up he is. 

What do you fantasise about when you masturbate?  Marc.... and his stunning abs and his really cute smile. His puppy face is perhaps the strongest turn-on I have ever seen. So I think about it, about him, kissing me. Touching me. Talking to me and moaning in my ear.

What's something you want to try with Him/her in bed?  I want to cum over and over again with little to no break, just so all I can have on my mind is just sex and pleasure.  It's so slutty... but I want to try that. 

What gets you off more: oral or penetrative sex? Penetrative,  especially when it's deep. I have discovered the pleasure of being fucked deep with Marc, and I am obsessed with it. It has to be noted that I also cum buckets whenever Marc is giving me head. He's so skilled! 

Have you ever tried BDSM? ..... yes! I had someone pull on my hair, squeeze my cheeks, spank me, and choke me. Later on, I sometimes squeeze my neck, I scratch their back, and I bite. I mostly bite. 

Does the thought of recording a sexy video turn you on? I would prefer not to film anything. 

What's the last thing you came to? Making out with Marc, while his hand is playing with my pussy.

What turns you on the most?  Marc's hugs and neck kisses. When he holds me and starts kissing my neck, I am losing my mind. I love it. I want more. It makes me want to make out with him and keep going.  

The funniest thing that's ever happened during sex? I think it has to be when one of my targets. He was so bad at sex that I was doing my best not to laugh the entire time. He kept talking to me about how good he was and how hard I was going to cum, but it was so damn bad. 

What's the naughtiest thing you've ever done?  Ah... I blindfolded my target, and I flogged him. He asked me to flog his cock to get him hard, so I did. I then teased him, my tongue, my mouth, and then I flogged him, rinse and repeat, until he confessed what I wanted him to confess and came because I flogged him the hardest I could. 

Most inconvenient place you've ever been turned on? The precinct, when I visited Marc. 

On a scale of one to Mount Everest, how high is your sex drive? Mount Everest! And can go higher! 

What's the hottest nickname He/she can call you in bed? Love. Darling. Babe. I think I like all the words of endearment.