Showing posts with label poems. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poems. Show all posts

Sunday, February 1, 2026

What do you mean?

"What do you mean, I love you  too much?"
What do you mean by "you feel suffocated"?
What do you mean by "I put you on too high a pedestal"?

When you kept telling me that my love was welcome. 
When you kept telling me that I was more than enough. 
When you kept telling me that you loved being in my life. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 
The whiplash from the change of tune almost made me dizzy. 
One minute you love me, the next you run away from me. 

That got me thinking. 

It is not me. I am not the reason for our end. 
You simply decided that you no longer wanted me in your life. 
You simply decided to put the blame on me. 

Easier to turn me into the reason you feel upset,
While I know that your life is unraveling, and your secrets are being spilled. 
While I know you resent me for keeping a positive mind when everything is breaking down around me.

Easier to turn me into the reason you feel upset,
And to try to trash the bond we once shared. 
And to try to project your self-loathing onto me. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 
I wondered if I loved too much and if my relationships were real.
My mind broke for a while, and tears kept on rolling. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 
I let your actions blur the truth to me, reshape the way I think of myself. 
I let it affect me when it should not have. It is your bullshit and not mine. 

What do you mean by " I love you too much"?

When you kept telling me the opposite.
When you kept loving me all the same. 
When you kept asking me not to change.

What do you mean by " I love you too much"?

When I know you simply don't love me enough. 

// Vent piece. 




Sunday, January 25, 2026

Heartbreak

Why did I believe you would be different? I guess I was blinded by my own affection for you. I guess I wanted something better for both of us.  I wanted us to be soulmates. I mean, friendship-wise. I wanted us to love each other unconditionally. I wanted us to care for each other in ways we have not been cared for in our lives. I wanted so much for us, and in a way, we achieved it if we keep our distance, I guess. It took me a while to realize that you do not want to meet me. You do not want me to see you as you are. Part of me wonders if you want to hide your real face from me. I wonder if you want to hide your real personality from me. How much of you is real? I guess that a lot of what I know is true. You don't lie to me. You don't pretend... I can tell. I want to believe that I can.  I want to believe that I know a part of you that is real and sincere.... If it's not, oh, if it's not... 


I don't know how I would react, and I would rather not think about it. I would rather work towards accepting that you will never truly be mine. You will never truly be mine--- Ah... What do I mean when I say that? I guess, I mean,  I wanted you and me to have a very special bond. I wanted us to be friends, beyond friends... beyond lovers.., I wanted you to be my safe place and my dearest friend. I wanted you to be my muse. I wanted you to be my person.... And I thought you were. Artistically speaking, oh, you clearly are. Amically speaking.... I think we do not want the same thing. I think we do not mean the same thing. I guess, with me, there would never be something deeper than what I wish we could be. I guess that is why I am so heartbroken. I wanted things that could never be. 


I wanted things that could never be. The truth is that I love you more than you do. I care for you more than you claim. We would never be the type of friends I wanted us to be. I think that this will be true with other people, and it is okay. I have to accept it. I have to digest it... I have to.... Even if it is difficult. I hurt. I break. I am so upset. I am so disappointed in you, and I think that it is eating me up. I am so disappointed in myself for being upset, but I have been told that it is normal. You were my friend, and to meet with you in the flesh was the next right step. You did not want it. Not just once, but twice... so really.... How can you be a friend to me? How can you be? I am upset, and I don't know how long it would take for me to handle that pain, but I aim to focus on what is important... my future. My wedding. my book... my life. Add if you don''t want to walk the path with me, I would simply leave you behind and keep you at a distance. Trust!

Saturday, December 5, 2020

Misadventures of Eros and Thanatos: I want to live.

 What about tomorrow? I ask in a whisper. 


What was it about tomorrow that would make me want to wake up and leave my bed? I am exhausted, my brain is mush, my heart is broken. I am exhausted from having to constantly battle against invisible enemies. I am exhausted and yet I am still moving forward. I guess to my grave.

Life's tough, didn't you know kid? I sometimes remember those words. I do know that life isn't fair. I do know that Life is a struggle. That's how I see it more often than not. Life is an endless pit of despair, a continuous fight we cannot win. We wake up, not knowing if we would make it alive to see another day. We wake up feeling lucky to breathe only to be crushed the very next minute by life. I guess that's how it is. 

What about tomorrow? I ask in a whisper. 

What was it about tomorrow that keeps me going? I should have ended this masquerade a long time ago. I should have known better than to trust that I would be lucky and would finally turn my life around. I guess that's Hope... I guess that's being optimistic. Whatever I do, however, I feel, there is still Hope creeping its ugly head out inside my heart and making me want to believe that the next day would be different and I would be happy. 

It had changed over the years, over the days.. my perception of happiness. There were days when Happiness was sitting in my kitchen, with my favorite dish and my favorite drink, listening to music I loved. There were days when it was just talking to friends and family about sweet nothings...there were days when it was fucking dying. I wanted this guilt I still feel, to be gone, the pain of being alive, of surviving my ordeals, of wasting the air that should have gone to someone who deserved it. I feel like a mistake and sometimes I want to erase myself like you would a mistake. 

Truth is... I am here. whether I like it or not and wanting to explore, to discover, to love, to live, to exist drives me still. I have had good times, I have had bad times, I have been surprised in this life and fulfilled at some point so if it had happened once, then why wouldn't it happen again? I'm exhausted... yet hopeful and this Hope is still making me wake up to see another day, work hard to make ends meet, make sure I am still moving. I want to live and for a long time, I didn't know how to do it. I felt that I existed, but never actually lived.. until it hit me.   I want to live and this pain I feel inside? this rage overwhelming me? That ache in my heart and the burning feeling in my eyes.. All of this is also a part of my desire to live. I don't want to survive from one day to the other. I don't want to survive and cry myself to sleep every night. I don't want to survive and ask myself "who am I?". I want to live. I want to LIVE.

Monday, July 30, 2018

Magicians AU: Viktor to Lucretia

The most powerful spells are the silent ones. The ones you cast not with your mouth but with your heart. We always believe that chants or wands are what make magic but I now know that we are not told everything. You cast a spell on me the minute I saw your face. You don't believe me when I say you took my breath away. And yet it's true. I couldn't believe my eyes when I first saw you. The rich pink locks, the bright smile of yours, that natural beauty you have that draws me to you. You don't believe me when I let my tongue roll on your name, and you say I only see what's outside. Maybe you're right. I do not know what true love is, angel, I only know what they taught me of it. I know the words, I know seduction. I know how to make them sweat and faint at the mere gaze of mine. I know how to make them squirm for my hands are experts. I know how to make them fall in love with me, for my tongue knows the language of Love but it's all a masquerade. Superficial. You were the first one to call me out on my behavior. I was the Casanova of Twilight Town after all. I am...Still.

So what do I do, my dear Lucretia? When you forced me to cut the act and break my walls? What do I do, my dove, when I am forced to look into myself and see the real me? What do I do? When all I want to do is run away from myself? I have a legacy, I come from a prestigious family and I do not want the burden of the occupation on my shoulders. I do not want to be like my father, I don't feel I owe anything to the city. So yes, I lie, I cheat, I run away and I fight. Yes, I seduce and I break hearts, yes I hide my fear underneath my ennui. Is it so easy to spot on, Lucretia? Am I such an easy man to read? You truly are beautiful, but I am starting to see that it has nothing to do with how you look but the quiet strength about you. Much like Eleonor, you are more than what meets the eye. Much like my cousin, you certainly hide treasures. Much like me, you certainly hide from something. I want you to look at me with the same eyes I am looking at you but for the first time in my very short life, I would have to make actual efforts to earn your trust. I get it, I get it, I'm a child in a man's body. Well, what better proof of my affection than actually grow up? What say you? Lucretia? What say you?

Friday, July 20, 2018

Of death

She was exhausted.
She thought she could pull that off, Trying hard at existing so it might happen. It worked for a while, they bought her lies They bought her songs and her dance They bought her laughter, her smiles They bought everything she threw at them She believed everything she tried to fake. Put a little bit of magic, smile broadly Let the meat cleaver beat you to a pulp Exist! Pretend! Exist! Defend your existence Find many reasons to do this charade Find many reasons to wake up too. Maybe him or them or her... anyone. Maybe you. Maybe you too. So she held tight on what she had. But it exhausted her even more. So maybe sleeping was required. Sleeping that eternal slumber. Oh, that was attractive. That was attractive

Thursday, May 3, 2018

There are days when life is good

There are days when Life is good,
You wake up and you feel at peace as if everything was in order.
You feel as if the nightmare has ended a few days ago.
The heart in your chest beats at a steady pace, a sweet rhythm
And you notice every small detail you forgot how to appreciate,
Like the warm sun kissing your skin or the taste of a nice meal.
Like the sweet text from someone you love checking on you,
Or the smile of your sister when she sees you.
There are days when Life is good,
And you realize that you still want more of that.
And you realize that you still have some strength inside.
And the fight isn't over just yet, there's still a lot to see and feel.
There's still some life to live, yes, there are days like these.
When you just realize that through the good and the bad
When you were at your worst and you were at your best,
There were still the same people around, building you up,
There were still the same people, your tribe, your kin, your loves
Who just made life a little better, a lot less dreadful.
And it feels good, It feels wonderful, You feel grateful.
For what's the point of life if not to love and be loved?
What's the point of life if not to create from what's been destroyed?

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

love and whatnots 2

//imaginary lives and imaginary people//

"I remember when he said he was in love with me. I didn't expect it to happen. To be honest, I had a low-key panic attack and I had to keep it casual so he wouldn't think I was losing my mind. My heart...I felt it soar into my chest and I had butterflies in my belly and tears in my eyes. I think it was so intense that I puked shortly after. He didn't see me, we were on the phone when he said those words. It feels silly but this is also very unique. this is us...him being sentimental and me being sick because of love." -Carry

"My mom never loved me. I was more of a Barbie doll than a child to her. She lived by proxy and tried to force her sunken dreams onto me. It took me a while to realize she was unable to love me like a mom should. It took a lot from me to actually set myself free of her. I'm glad I could. I am glad I could." -Jonas

"I would be a mother very soon. I'm pregnant. It doesn't show just yet but... I don't care. I'm already a mom. Pregnancy is this weird rollercoaster of emotions you know? One minute you're very happy and the very next one you're worried something happens to your unborn baby...I'm not yet deep into that pregnancy and yet, I already freak out. You know who I admire? Single mothers. I'm lucky I have a very involved significant other but those who are alone? Ah, look, I'm about to cry." -Maelys

"Everything is in the eyes. I don't care what body your soul is in as long as your eyes are telling the truth. I had loved them all and all loved me too but the love of my life, rest their soul, the love of my life had the warmest, kindest and most understanding eyes I've ever seen. Honesty is a turn on baby, so you better let it all out if you want me." -Ethan

"Sexuality... Why is that when you're a certain weight, people start to think your sexual life is non-existent or bizarre. I mean it. I'm fat, there's no way around that word. I am fat but I had sex, great sex with understanding and compassionate and kind men of all shapes. They are not freaks for wanting to have sex with me, I am not used or whatever fucked up conception people have of fat people having sex. Today I'm with Jeff, in a very happy relationship. That's not weird. I'm just tired of the assumptions." -Caroline

"I'm Jeff, Caroline's boyfriend. It took me some time to assume my love for larger women. I have always thought they were beautiful but never dated one out of fear. There's this perception that you might be a freak or a loser if you love someone who isn't a skinny model. No disrespect here, I believe women are beautiful regardless of their shape. Caroline is sublime for me. It's the way she smiles at me with the dimple on her left cheek that makes my heart stop. It's the way her dress would hug her curves and tease me. It's the way she carries herself, walking with the confidence of ten brave men and bringing me to my feet with awe and fear. Caroline is amazing and I'm the lucky one." -Jeff, Caroline's boyfriend.

"I never wanted to have kids. I never felt the need to reproduce myself. Not dissing on parents here, you do you, It's just not something for me. My girlfriend doesn't want children as well and we're good just like that. The two of us are a family and I intend to keep it that way. Yet I have no heat from our loved ones or my friends. They think I'm cool. They think I'm free and they envy me but I see the way they look at Cynthia. They pity her and they pressure her into having baby envy. It's ridiculous." -Jake

"We broke up my girlfriend and I  a decade ago, but it still feels like it happened today. I loved her, more than anything in the World but love wasn't enough and I hurt her. Love isn't enough. I learned it the hard way. I took her for granted and look at me now. I'm miserable. She moved on, you know? She's engaged to another woman than me, she's successful and her name is on everybody's lips. Our common friends are gracious enough not to talk about her when in front of me and vice-verça but I don't know, man... I feel like screaming. I lost her because I didn't do the damn work and didn't want to meet her halfway despite her begging me to do so. After a while, she couldn't take it anymore. I don't blame her." -Joelle

Monday, October 23, 2017

One of these people

I'm one of these people, one of those who can't stand to stare at their own reflection in the mirror.
I'm one of these people, one of those who can't stand to look into themselves and face their emotions.
It hurts, it hurts so much that spending a day without thinking about oneself feels like a relief... 
It hurts so much and yet feels like it should be ignored so we could focus on our loved ones.
it's both a selfless act because we care and a selfish one because we don't care enough about ourselves.
We could be struck by lightning for all we care, it wouldn't matter because we don't.

I'm one of these people, one of those who won't dare have dreams and try to make them happen.
I'm one of these people, one of those who would not try to be happy because they know, no, fear to lose it all.
It had happened in the past,  being way too happy for their own sake and forced to witness it burn to the ground.
It had happened, the feeling of being shredded to pieces because everything is collapsing before you.
And the pain is too strong, and the pain is too deep and they refuse to believe they could be happy again 
So we're very apprehensive whenever it comes to Happiness and people we care about and who make us happy. They could be gone just like that.

And we would have deserved it.

I'm one of these people, one of those who convinced themselves o be toxic. it doesn't make any sense yet it does.
I'm one of these people, one of those who'd rather keep it to themselves than speak and ask for help, 
Because we think we're an inconvenience  We think we're annoying people around us, 
We think the world of people we care about but still think ill about ourselves. because we're undeserving 
We think we can't make things get better YET would move mountains for those we care about.
How strange that works, love I guess can help us do anything and everything for our loved ones 

...Where is that love for myself?

I'm one of these people, one of those who don't know how to ask for help. 
I'm one of these people, one of those who are witty, funny, cryptic and who talk with codes.
I would write, I would share music with meaning, I would hint at how I truly feel without actually saying it  
Just a single glance at how I truly feel is enough to cause a meltdown, I don't want to feel, but is it healthy? No! 
And the pain is so intense that we wish it would be gone but we know there is work to do.
Work for what? work to get better of course. That's the end goal, after all, to feel better and be happier. 

Because Love is worth all the pain. 
Love truly is. it saves people...

I'm one of these people, one of those who despite the darkness surrounding their hearts, Hope still crawls into the cracks and creaks and make their heart soar.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Her eulogy

She sometimes imagined what people would say about her the day she died. How would they react when they would learn the new,  Who would be crying? who wouldn't? who would come to her funerals and who wouldn't. She tried to imagine those who would say good things about her and those who wouldn't and realized she couldn't. Who did that? who would think about their own deaths and think about the words others would say? Well..the woman couldn't answer the question, all she knew was that she did. Her brain did. Her brain took her to imaginary places at imaginary time periods. 

She would have been dead. How? It didn't matter. She would have been dead and it would have been better. She would be wearing her best dress and would look her happiest. her casket would be open so everybody would see how appeased she appeared to be... how she would truly be. Death seemed more and more appealing after all, and the woman knew that she would know rest only when she would be dead. The woman imagined how it would be when those who attended her funerals would speak of her. She knew what they would say about her, after all, she was a complicated woman.She wasn't a happy lass. Or maybe she used to be but forgot how to be happy. Her heart was broken, to the point that she couldn't help but cry every morning.

Her tears would never heal her. They would never make her pain go away so she did her best to prevent herself from crying or ignore her tears and pretend they weren't there. She did her best to go on with her life, plaster fake smiles on her lips and walk as if she owned the World while in fact, it was breaking down at her feet. There was nothing left inside or maybe too much was there. She did push those feelings deep down, avoiding to feel every single one of them, especially the happy ones. Because what could possibly happen if not being disappointed.They would say she was a piece of work and was definitely too much work for them to handle. They didn't understand her, the peculiar ways of her mind. They didn't even want to.

They would say it was a relief that she died because at least now they could focus on something else. They wouldn't need to spend too much time in her gloomy and depressing company. They wouldn't need to comfort her and cater to her needs anymore. And yet she didn't even tell them what she wanted. She didn't even tell them how much she needed them and how terrible life was for her. So they thought she simply was making it hard for them on purpose. They couldn't possibly know how deeply hurt she truly was. How much of a nightmare her existence felt like. They couldn't know. They wouldn't know.

Her death would be a relief and she expected her eulogy to be the reflection of that. People lining up to express their joy to have gotten rid of her. People lining up to paint a portrait of her she already was aware of. She was a monster and Death took her away. Maybe that would be the last good action she could give. Making herself disappear...

Ah! If only.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Love and whatnots

//Just a small collection of imagined bits of conversations//

"He turned my life upside down and I let him. Never before have I felt this way for someone and even now. I have no idea how to handle it." -William

"What does living in my truth feel like? I don't know... Liberating? For a long time, I wore a mask because I thought being myself was a sin. I wanted to end my own life at some point. I am glad I didn't. Look at me now! Even more alive than yesterday!" -Sasha

"I never thought she would feel the same way as I did. To me, she was too exquisite, a real masterpiece I couldn't even afford to look at. I am blessed." -Laurie

"I miss my dad. I have a father but only met my dad once. I met him when I was 7 on that day he took me to the beach with mom. Can anyone take me to that man, Please?" -John

"I am sad. I am in pain 24/7 and I honestly can't stop feeling like this. The only moment I feel okay is when I am with him. It's when he holds me in his arms and when he whispers sweet nothing there... He could even be silent, for all I care. it would have worked. I feel like it's worth being alive you know?" -Ethel.

"I treat her like she deserves to be treated. She's a force of nature. she's to be feared.she's to be revered. she's untamable and I feel grateful to be allowed by her sides. She's the kind of beauty writers talk about in their books and painters paint and I want her to realize that there was no way in the world that I would forget about her because she chose me. She chose /me/."

Monday, August 28, 2017

Fantasies en Français : Le bon père

Le bon père

A/N : Un de mes rares poèmes en français. Ce sont des mots jetés sur le papier sans réelle construction, juste une idée et un sentiment qui se retranscrivent de cette façon. C'est toujours ainsi que j'écris d'ailleurs, y compris des chapitres de romans. Il semble ne pas y avoir de structure mais magiquement, cela tiens la route ahah.. bref. Vous l'aurez deviné, ils s'inscrivent dans le genre qui hante mes écrits. Peut etre à l'occasion nous j'expliquerai le processus. Ils ne seront pas inclus dans « the misadventures of Eros and Thanatos vol 2 » car en Français donc je me permets de les poster ici.

Xxxxx

Thanatos était un bon père en ce qu'il veillait toujours sur sa progéniture.
Depuis qu'il avait posé les yeux sur la jeune humaine, il s'était investi d'une mission,
Ce n'était point difficile, il suffisait de l'attirer à lui.
Il suffisait de créer le manque pour qu'elle vienne alors qu'à cela ne tienne ! Il s'y attela sans tarder.

Thanatos était un bon père en ce qu'il veillait toujours sur sa protégée.
Le problème était qu'elle résistait à ses appels de sirènes et ce n'était pas faute d'avoir essayé.
Il avait commencé doucement, lui implantant l'idée dans la tête qu'elle devait le rejoindfre.
Et c'était tentant ! Oh ce qu'elle avait été tentée maintes fois de laisser tomber La Vie pour lui!

Mais il en voulait plus !

Elle se devait de venir à lui, de traverser le voile entre les vivants et les morts,
La Vie était tenace cependant, elle ne lâchait pas prise et son étreinte se resserrait sur la jeune âme.
Thanatos en était frustré, pourquoi l'empêchait t-elle donc de voir sa fille aimée ?
Pourquoi donc devait t-elle endurer tant de peine sans espoir aucun de libération?

Il l'a vu grandir sous un œil attendri, il l'a vu souffrir sous un œil horrifié.
Il a entendu son désir d'y mettre fin et avait décidé de l'exaucer, peu importe si elle changeait d'avis.
Il allait lui apporter le sommeil éternel, la paix illimitée. Il allait lui offrir la vie dont elle avait rêvé.
Le dieu de la mort s'affairait du haut de son thrône, en appelait aux faucheurs pour qu'ils la prennent

Mais c'était sans succès, La Vie gagnait toujours

Bien entendu, il pouvait être patient, la mort finissait toujours par gagner.
Mais il était impatient à l'idée de l'avoir elle à ses côtés, il ne tenait plus vraiment en place.
Alors il ne cessa pas de la tenter, de lui parler à travers les rêves du bien fondé de son envie de partir
Il essaya tant bien que mal de la convraincre qu'elle devait lâcher prise.

Après tout qu'avait fait La Vie pour lui faciliter les choses ? Que lui avait t elle apporté?
Malheurs, souffrance, peine et rejet voilà quel était son lot quotidien, alors pourquoi persister?
Il avait des arguments très persuasifs. Elle y prêtait oreille pour ainsi dire.
Mais voilà, elle ne voulait pas mourir, du moins, elle savait que son moment n'était pas venu encore

Il savait qu'il devait être patient, mais comment pouvait t il supporter une minute de plus?

Comment supporter de voir son calvaire se dérouler sous ses yeux sans jamais intervenir?
Comment supporter de la voir trimer et continuellement se battre contre les autres dieux ?
Comment ?

Thanatos était un bon père en ce qu'il veillait sur sa jeune protégée
Cependant La Vie était trop forte pour lui et  retenait la jeune âme prisonnière.
Cela lui crevait le cœur de voir la petite supplier d'être enlevée à cette torture quotidienne,
Mais il se devait d'être patient, viendra bien le moment où elle sera enfin sienne.

Et lorsqu'enfin la Mort pourra étreindre la jeune femme
Elle s'assurera de la guider vers un meilleur endroit où elle sera heureuse pour l'éternité


Pour l'éternité