windora headcanon: Heartbreak

Heartbreak 💔 : Lux had her heart broken into pieces so many times. Starting with the day she turned into a vampire. Her old life was traumatic, so much so that she doesn't remember a lot of it and avoids any memory that could trigger the rest. She also had her heart broken when her human lover, Paolo, died, murdered by a jealous human. She was so heartbroken that the vampire tried to walk into the sun to die. On a different scale, the reception to her true form by vampires has been a source of pain for Lux. Many consider her to be a runt (half-baked vampire)  or non-orthodox looking ( Claws? a tail? without wings and without horns to complete the look? Bat-fangs, rather than the typical vampire's longer canines?) What many fail to realize it's that her physical appearance comes from the ancient blood that coursed her veins, and that she is a direct descendant of that elder vampire. Even Lux doesn't know about it and simply considers her appearance to be monstrous and disgraceful when presented in public. The other vampires, especially the elders, very often request that she present only as a semi-transformed vampire, with her bat-fangs being the only disgrace they can suffer from her. So she doesn't expect people other than her Sire and brother to actually care about her and see no problem with how she presents herself. She hides that discomfort with a bold attitude, but expects disgust when in full transformation.

What do you mean?

"What do you mean, I love you  too much?"

What do you mean by "you feel suffocated"?

What do you mean by "I put you on too high a pedestal"?

When you kept telling me that my love was welcome. 

When you kept telling me that I was more than enough. 

When you kept telling me that you loved being in my life. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 

The whiplash from the change of tune almost made me dizzy. 

One minute you love me, the next you run away from me. 

That got me thinking. 

It is not me. I am not the reason for our end. 

You simply decided that you no longer wanted me in your life. 

You simply decided to put the blame on me. 

Easier to turn me into the reason you feel upset,

While I know that your life is unraveling, and your secrets are being spilled. 

While I know you resent me for keeping a positive mind when everything is breaking down around me.

Easier to turn me into the reason you feel upset,

And to try to trash the bond we once shared. 

And to try to project your self-loathing onto me. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 

I wondered if I loved too much and if my relationships were real.

My mind broke for a while, and tears kept on rolling. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 

I let your actions blur the truth to me, reshape the way I think of myself. 

I let it affect me when it should not have. It is your bullshit and not mine. 

What do you mean by " I love you too much"?

When you kept telling me the opposite.

When you kept loving me all the same. 

When you kept asking me not to change.

What do you mean by " I love you too much"?

When I know you simply don't love me enough. 

// Vent piece. 

Nixus: Dark Routine

Phoenix put her hands on the sink. She dropped her head low and groaned in pain. Her ribs were hurting, her knuckles were bruised.  Her face was puffy, and mascara was running down her cheeks. Her hair was disheveled, and blood was splattered on her face, her knuckles, her shirt. She assessed the injuries, a broken rib here, bruises on her chest and legs. She filed a nail, broke another, lost a shoe, and tore her dress apart. Her blue eyes averted from her hands to her face.  She was a mess. a big mess, but the sight made her laugh. She ran her hand through her hair and slipped on the bathroom floor.  A sad chuckle escaped her lips, and she slowly dragged herself to the bathtub. She leaned her back against it and put her arms on her lap. What a pathetic little life! 

The honey-haired woman then yanked her head back and took a deep breath. What the hell was she doing? Why did she decide to throw herself into a fight that night? Another fight, another string of bruises and broken bones, another rush of adrenaline and endorphins. It made her happy...It made her feel ashamed, too. Who did that? Who went looking for a fight because it made them feel better? Sickos.. That's who... Sickos like her. Phoenix wanted to be punished. She might not be able to let them kill her; she was more than willing to take a beating. In her mind, she justified it as being merciful. She gave her opponents a head start so the fight would last longer. The truth was elsewhere. Nix let them hit her. She made herself vulnerable enough for them to be able to ruin her face and hurt her body like that. She let them... She did!

With each punch, she felt the satisfaction of punishment. She used these people as a way to enact her self-hatred on herself, a way to hurt her like she could not. Pathetic! Did she hate herself that much? Did she even love herself? Questions she had never truly asked herself. Was there anything to love about her? Phoenix sucked at her bottom lip and slowly pulled her legs up. Her feet lay flat on the floor, and her arms wrapped around her knees. She never loved herself. She was a tool, had been from the moment she was kidnapped by the Guild.  They turned her into a killing machine, an enraged dog they sent after their enemies. She barked when they wanted them to. She mauled when they needed her to, and there was nothing else for her. They brought little comfort, just enough so she could feel rewarded, but not enough so she could sit down and think about what she liked, what she wanted to do in her life besides killing for the Guild. There was nothing left.... 

Or so she thought. 

She fell in love. He loved her, too, or maybe he pretended to.  She did not know. That love made her realize that she had something to give. That love made her realize that she wanted more of life than just being a tool.  That love made her appreciate herself a little more. She liked her laugh. She liked her tooth gap. She even liked the uncanny blue eyes that everyone thought were contacts. She surprised herself with dreams of freedom, lovely little dreams that made her yearn for more. She liked her jokes, the way she cuddled Anton, and the way she cared for him. She was creative, inspired by the smiles he would give her. She enjoyed her softness, her capacity to give love. She enjoyed the version of herself she glimpsed. A version capable of love. A version capable of softness... A version that wanted to live. She was able to build rather than destroy, and she loved it. She liked herself there.... She liked herself.... Why could she not love herself? Phoenix sighed and slowly cried against her knees. What could she do, if not cry her heart out? 

Heartbreak

Why did I believe you would be different? I guess I was blinded by my own affection for you. I guess I wanted something better for both of us.  I wanted us to be soulmates. I mean, friendship-wise. I wanted us to love each other unconditionally. I wanted us to care for each other in ways we have not been cared for in our lives. I wanted so much for us, and in a way, we achieved it if we keep our distance, I guess. It took me a while to realize that you do not want to meet me. You do not want me to see you as you are. Part of me wonders if you want to hide your real face from me. I wonder if you want to hide your real personality from me. How much of you is real? I guess that a lot of what I know is true. You don't lie to me. You don't pretend... I can tell. I want to believe that I can.  I want to believe that I know a part of you that is real and sincere.... If it's not, oh, if it's not... 

I don't know how I would react, and I would rather not think about it. I would rather work towards accepting that you will never truly be mine. You will never truly be mine--- Ah... What do I mean when I say that? I guess, I mean,  I wanted you and me to have a very special bond. I wanted us to be friends, beyond friends... beyond lovers.., I wanted you to be my safe place and my dearest friend. I wanted you to be my muse. I wanted you to be my person.... And I thought you were. Artistically speaking, oh, you clearly are. Amically speaking.... I think we do not want the same thing. I think we do not mean the same thing. I guess, with me, there would never be something deeper than what I wish we could be. I guess that is why I am so heartbroken. I wanted things that could never be. 

I wanted things that could never be. The truth is that I love you more than you do. I care for you more than you claim. We would never be the type of friends I wanted us to be. I think that this will be true with other people, and it is okay. I have to accept it. I have to digest it... I have to.... Even if it is difficult. I hurt. I break. I am so upset. I am so disappointed in you, and I think that it is eating me up. I am so disappointed in myself for being upset, but I have been told that it is normal. You were my friend, and to meet with you in the flesh was the next right step. You did not want it. Not just once, but twice... so really.... How can you be a friend to me? How can you be? I am upset, and I don't know how long it would take for me to handle that pain, but I aim to focus on what is important... my future. My wedding. my book... my life. Add if you don''t want to walk the path with me, I would simply leave you behind and keep you at a distance. Trust!

Nixus: Freaking out

Phoenix hid in her classroom. She needed a quiet place to gather her thoughts. Today seemed to be harder than expected, a test of her resolve.  Who did she think she was? A former killer pretending to be a good citizen! A former killer, eager to be loved and to love freely.  Someone who had to fight her dark urges every single day.  Phoenix wanted to be the person who chose to do good. She wanted to be the person others would turn to for comfort and help. She wanted to save lives, and she had no idea of how to do that if it did not involve the skills she learned as an assassin. A day like today almost made her feel ridiculous in her attempt to become a better person. 

First, it was that sweet student of hers who was attacked by older teenagers on his way to school. Every day, when he walked past her classroom doors, she noticed his bruised and battered body. He always passed it off as clumsiness, but she was well aware of the nature of his bruises and wounds.  Today, she decided to confront his bullies with words rather than her fists. It went just as she expected, badly. They mocked her and taunted her, and it took all of her willpower not to make them eat concrete. Instead, she gave them a lecture and a warning. She told them that the next time she found a bruise on one of her students, she would replicate it on their bodies. They laughed it off and called her a liar. One of the teens tried to swing at her, but she blocked him so effortlessly that it made him reconsider continuing his assault. The warning worked for the time being, but Phoenix knew that they would get back to bullying that poor boy in no time. This time, she chose peace over violence, but the teacher wasn't so sure about being able to do it again if they pushed their luck.

Then came the second test of the day, a deeper cut, a more personal issue. A simple question asked by a gentle student who went through her first little heartbreak. "Did someone ever break your heart, Miss Phoenix?" It was enough to bring back the memories of the betrayal. She had loved someone a long time ago. In her young mind, only /he/ could actually love her. They were of similar age and went through the same ordeal. Only /he/ could understand her, wasn't it true? Wasn't it true that he faked his death and escaped Hell without her? Wasn't it true that he sold her to the Guild and left her to endure severe punishment? In the end, he simply chose himself rather than love. She noticed her body shaking and decided that it was best to isolate herself rather than subject her student to a meltdown.  As soon as she closed the door of her classroom behind her, Phoenix rushed to her desk. She sat on her chair and put both hands on her face. Her heart was beating fast... way too fast for her liking. Her upper body was shaking, and her hands couldn't stay steady. Her lips were trembling, and tears rolled down her cheeks in an uninterrupted flow. 

The honey-haired beauty still remembered the intense pain she felt when she heard news of her lover's "passing". She still remembered grief washing over her frame, turning her bones cold and her heart into broken glass. She still remembered the scream she let out when she heard the news and how hard it was to breathe. She still remembered the rage that flooded her heart upon hearing the truth from her handlers. Anton did not die; he simply left the Guild after selling her out. She remembered the hatred that put her heart back together and renewed her desire to escape the Guild. And all these emotions came crashing down again. The stress caused by her memories made her cry in that classroom. Her solitude only became heavier in the confines of her classroom. Her mind was wrecked, and she could not think straight. If she could, Phoenix would have told herself that she was not alone, not anymore.  

Marc was there. Marc was there, with his warm and strong arms. Marc was there, with his soothing voice and his intense blue eyes. Marc was there... And if he were in the room with her, he would have helped her center herself. He would have talked to her in a soft voice. He would have stroked her hair, her shoulders, planted kisses on the top of her head, and she would have felt safe. She would have felt... Safe. Right now, her mind was shrouded in panic. She could not think straight because if she did, she would remember that her old life was behind her. She would remember that her heart was at peace when she was in his arms. She would remember that her body had stopped fighting. She would remember that she was loved. Loved.... and safe. 

Trivia and headcanons (lux): Marriage // heartbreak // soothing

Marriage:  In vampiredom, marriage is a serious matter. You can't marry anything that isn't a vampire, let alone a human - the weakest species-. If you get yourself attached to a human being, to the point of considering marriage, you have to turn them into vampires, or else, the union is doomed to fail and rejected by your peers. Lux only considered marriage once, with her human lover Paolo. She wanted to turn him into a vampire, but he always refused, preferring his humanity to eternity without his soul.  It never occurred to her mind to marry after Paolo died. She never fell in love after him -until she met Jake- and isn't thinking about it. However, should she want to get married, she would not do it under vampire laws. She would marry in a human courtroom and would live with her significant other until they die.  It is a serious matter to her. while she never thought about marriage since Paolo's death, she's been proposed to several times by other vampires. Her Sire always respected her choice because he knew that Lux wanted to be loved instead of used; She knew they wanted her status and the prestigious name of her family rather than her and didn't want to give up her freedom to her suitor's whims. 

Heartbreak: Lux had her heart broken into pieces so many times. Starting with the day she turned into a vampire. Her old life was traumatic, so much so that she doesn't remember a lot of it and avoids any memory that could trigger the rest. She also had her heart broken when her human lover, Paolo, died, murdered by a jealous human. She was so heartbroken that the vampire tried to walk into the sun to die. On a different scale, the reception to her true form by vampires has been a source of pain for Lux. Many consider her to be a runt (half-baked vampire)  or non-orthodox looking ( Claws? a tail? without wings and without horns to complete the look? Bat-fangs, rather than the typical vampire's longer canines?) What many fail to realize it's that her physical appearance comes from the ancient blood that coursed her veins, and that her being a direct descendant of that elder vampire. Even Lux doesn't know about it and simply considers her appearance to be monstrous and disgraceful when presented in public. The other vampires, especially the elders, very often request that she present only as a semi-transformed vampire, with her bat-fangs being the only disgrace they can suffer from her. So she doesn't expect people other than her Sire and brother to actually care about her and see no problem with how she presents herself. She hides that discomfort with a bold attitude, but expects disgust when in full transformation.

Soothing: When Lux becomes angry, very few people can actually soothe her. Her anger stems from fear. She usually fears losing her father (or Sire) and brother. She fears their deaths at the hands of his enemies in the royal court. She also fears being rejected, and usually lashes out instead of crying. She would only be calmed by her father's embrace or her brother's quips. When they are not around, and she has to deal with her emotions on her own? Oh she kills. She breaks her own rules about not going after innocent humans and kills anyone who crosses her path.  When she doesn't kill, she fucks or she indulges in hedonism and alcohol. It doesn't help her feel better but at least it can quell the rage and fear. Jake can soothe her if he sings to her. his music truly makes her feel. She has access to emotions she thought were long dead. it would calm her. It would make her cry maybe. it would make her hope. If Jake hugs her, she would also calm down. If he makes her feel welcomed and accepted, she would be calmer. She dreads the day he sees her as a monster. She dreads the day he will die too. 

TB: I don't care about the world

The world is in shambles but I do not care about it. 

I do not care about whether or not supes would reign supreme. 

I do not care about those who hate me or those who don't care about it. 

I care only about those who love me, those who want my company, and those who want to be with me. 

The world is in shambles but I do not care about it. 

It could crash and burn for all I care, why would I bother with the world when it didn't do shit for me?

Why should I care about the well-being of others when I and plenty of children, rotted at the orphanage? 

They watched me crave affection, do pony tricks to please others and shrink myself for them.

They watched me cry myself to sleep without any tender gesture to comfort me. 

They watched me hate myself, pick my body apart, and try to hide my freckles so people would love me.

They watched me suffer from the fists and kicks of the one who was supposed to love me for me.

So why should I care about the world? 

Why should I care about others? 

There's just Sara, her needs, her desires, and her dreams. There's just Sara and the people who love her.

There's just... Me! 

TB: Why did it hurt so bad?

Why is it still hurting so bad? 

Sara had no idea why her old wounds refused to heal properly. She was still struggling with the ghosts of her past relationships. She saw Tara just once after so many years apart and it was enough to send her into a spiral of self-doubt and pain. Today things were different, weren't they? She was a successful artist, people loved her, they worshipped her... she even found love with Homelander. Didn't she? He loved her, didn't he? Still, the sight of Tara made her crumble to the point of having panic attacks. Tara's words cut deep, way too deep and Sara felt vulnerable again. It shouldn't be a surprise, after all, Tara always made sure Sara knew she didn't deserve her. Tara was the one people wanted. She was beautiful, she had charisma, and she was clever. Hell, she was even richer than Sara when they were dating. When they were outside and Sara was not in her Unnamed Girl persona (and appearance), it was Tara who was under the spotlight. She was perfect and Sara felt inadequate in that relationship. To compensate for what she perceived was lacking, Sara started to behave like a servant. She was at the beck and call of Tara always went above and beyond for her. She erased so much of her personality to serve Tara's every whim and feed on her narcissistic traits. Still... it wasn't enough. It was never enough. Sara was never good. 

It impacted her so much that even years later, the singer felt knots in her stomach. She remembered the day Tara left her, out of boredom -which was the official reason she gave Sara when in truth, she couldn't handle the rise to stardom of her girlfriend-. Sara was devastated. She was boring? She was suffocating? She shouldn't be affectionate lest she takes the risk of being left... She shouldn't be talking about what she loved the most  (her art) nor should she try to embrace her true personality. Tara wanted to destroy her but didn't succeed and since her perfect toy was now broken, she decided to discard it. Sara didn't come to this conclusion, even after all these years. She couldn't see that her ex-girlfriend had just used her for her own pleasure. She didn't realize that even now, after their last encounter, it was just a matter of ego. She wanted to show Sara that the singer could never get over their breakup, and she wanted to rub in her face her own success. It didn't work, at least, not officially. Sara stood her ground but the minute she left, the minute she broke down. 

Why did it still hurt so bad? Why couldn't she just move on? 

She did move on. After Tara there was Brett but he was worse than Tara because he abused her physically and emotionally when Sara didn't do what he wanted her to. With such a bad relationship there was no mystery as to why she couldn't move on from Tara.. or Brett. With Homelander, things were different. He was not abusive to her. He didn't ask her to forsake her real personality. He cared for her. He took care of her. He loved her and Sara was thriving. He was the first person to ever show her genuine affection and she was worried sick about losing it all because of her mistakes... because of who and what she was deep down that he could find unpleasant. Because... she existed.  Sara walked in a circle for a moment before she grabbed her phone, and doom-scrolled for a minute before she threw it against the wall and screamed in frustration. She needed to heal from her past. She needed to heal. She needed to move on otherwise she would never be free from Tara and Brett's ghosts, but could she tell Homelander about the pain these two inflicted on her? Could she bring herself to show such vulnerability? Could she? 

-TBC-

TB: Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been something difficult for me to celebrate. I had egg and sperm donors but never had parents. I had a woman who tried to mold me into her perfect little money-making doll so I could sustain her gambling addiction. I had to be the prettiest little girl, the hard-working little girl, the future member of the "Seven", the one who would make them rich and famous. The joke's on you mama...Your greed got you killed by Vaught and set me free from both Dad and you.  Your death set me free from a family of vultures and manipulative assholes. Your death brought me the only woman I respect: Dotty. 

She took me in when she didn't have to. She saw the potential I had and listened to my dreams. She made them come true! I owe her the career I have today because she pulled the right strings, she knew the right people who were able to give me a chance. She took care of me, Mama. She took care of my bruised ego, and my broken self-worth, and nursed me back to health. She watched after me and allowed me to make mistakes without humiliating me for them. She allowed me to exist and helped put me back into one piece after each heartbreak. She was the mother you could never be. She deserves her flowers and my love, my eternal gratitude for loving me in her own way. So, happy Mother's Day, Dot! 

Happy Mother's Day to all the good mothers out there, for all the fathers pulling double duty, for all the family members taking on the role as well, for the guardians, and for all of those who are present in the lives of children.

Doya: Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day. It's such a bittersweet day for me, come to think of it.  I miss my mom. I miss her tremendously.  She would have loved Dean and the family I made with him and Team Free Will. She would have told him to care for me. She would have insisted on feeding him when he would visit her. She would have loved him. She would have loved this life for me. 

I miss my mom. I miss going to her for advice. I miss talking to her for hours about the cases I worked on and for her to tell me "My daughter is so strong! My daughter is so clever! I'm so proud of you, Oya." I never told Dean that I had forgotten the sound of her voice, I have nothing left except pictures and not being able to remember breaks my heart. I miss my mom... But I am so happy she was my mother. I am so humbled by the life we shared together. 

So, Mom, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you are: Happy Mother's Day. I hope you and the family are enjoying yourselves in Heaven. I hope you are proud of me, root for me, and look after me from above. 

Happy Mother's Day. To you and all the moms!

GoT: Mother's Day

My mother was a resilient woman who knew how to turn tragedy into strength. She could have fed me to the wolves given the circumstances of my birth. She could have killed me with her own bare hands as well. Yet, instead of the heinous crime at the origin of my existence, my mother loved me with all she had. She wanted to give me a good life. Until the end, she sacrificed herself so I could live. She lost her life in her attempt to smuggle me out of Mereen, out of slavery and while she failed to do so and paid the highest price, I always respected my mother. I always loved her. I am still mourning for her. 

There were days when I wished she was alive so I could show her that she didn't sacrifice her life for nothing. I want to show her that I made our dream come true and hurt the people who hurt us. I want to show that I am healing and that I am enjoying my newfound freedom. I want to show her that her little girl became a fierce warrior and that no one would hurt me ever again. I want... I wish... I wish I could show her the life I have made today, with a sister who is now sitting on the iron throne, with a betrothed who is caring for me and would give his life in a heartbeat, and with a best friend who I love tenderly and who cares for me as well. 

So, mother, I hope you're watching from above. I hope you see all the things I've done since you left me. The years of pain, solitude, and exploitation came to an end. Finally, we can rejoice in happiness. finally! 

Happy Mother's Day, from your forever child. 

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers around the world.

it's a leap of faith

 How does one do to deal with the uncertainty of Life? 

How does one do, to ask for help when needed? 

When the words crash against an invisible wall, 

When one wonders if their existence mean something to others.

Are connections real? Are the friends and companions sincere?

I guess it's a gamble. It's a leap of faith. 

I guess it's  a gamble and you could either win or lose.

Some connections break, sometimes off-screen, or chosen by you.

And you wonder if they knew how much you valued them.

And you wonder if they really cared for you, or told you fairytales!

Words, can we trust them? Isn't a person bond to their word?

In an ancient time maybe, words could just be spells.

Spells cast on you in order to placate your feelings, manipulate you.

And you give your heart and you watch it break.

Because those who claimed they loved you weren't being true.

I guess it's a gamble. It's also a leap of faith.

But there are nights when the heart breaks too hard. 

Where you can't really fight the intrusive thoughts.

You're convinced that they all hate you and laugh on your back.

You're convinced that the world would keep on turning, 

even without you.

Especially without you.

What is real? What is true? 

Why is fear strangling my heart? 

How can I be sure that "you" would not leave "me" behind?

Like all the others? Those before "you"? 

I guess it's a leap of faith. 

I guess it's a gamble. 

I guess it's a leap of faith.

The one I have for you. 

At the end of the day, all I know is that I love you. 

Mary (soa Headcanons)

 Mary (S.o.A) Headcanons: Marriage. 

Mary was engaged before. She used to believe in fairy tales and happy endings but Oscar ruined it for her. He traumatised her so much that the young woman decided that Love wasn't for her and she would never put herself in harm's way ever again. 

 She is so used to drive from one city to another to escape from him,  and change her life overnight that she doesn't really think about love.  If you were to ask Mary if she wants to get married these days, she would tell you no. She would tell you that she's not in the dating pool and is fine by herself. 

However, her romantic heart is not gone. She is a big fan of weddings and is already planning Maya's. -well, not really planning the real deal but daydreaming about it-. She wishes to become her Maiden of honor and would do anything in her power to make this day Maya's perfect day. 

xxxx

 Mary (soa) Heartbreak

Mary joined the ink business as a way to reinvent herself. Her dreams had been shattered by her ex fiancé from the moment he threw her off the stairs. She wasn't there when her mother died and to this day, she still doesn't  forgive herself.  Through her job, she feels as if she was painting Hope, love or joy on the skin of her clients and believes that it removes a little bit of her heartbreak the more she does it. 

Mary holds back a lot. It takes a very close person to notice that she's been hurt. She doesn't speak much about herself, or her past because if she did, if she ever tried to, she would break down in tears and would become a mess. She'd rather keep her pain to herself, as to not become a bother to others.  It's probably best not to ask her how she truly feels, unless you're ready to hear the truth about her.  

GOT « Until we meet again, »

Baahal x Jaime : « Until we meet again, »

A/N : I absolutely loved that moment between them! <3 proper continuation of that scene.

XXXX

« Until we meet again. » They parted ways on this last sentence, the night before Jaime Lannister decided to return to Cersei. As the queen's sister, she had to be present when they would send the Kingslayer back to King's Landing. Jon insisted on watching him leave and ensuring that no one would try to attempt to his life. As teeth-clenched as their alliance was, they still gave their word that Jaime would return safely to his true queen. The Northerners were put on a tight spot because the man kept his word and did fight by their side against the Wrights, but he was an enemy and a Lannister at that. They couldn't forgive what his family did to them, how they killed the honorable Ned Stark, how they tortured the kind and innocent Sansa Stark, How they killed Rob and Caitlyn...How they broke this family and the people loyal to them. They could never forgive a Lannister, no matter how helpful he was during the war against Death itself. So she watched, as the golden lion left the castle with preying and judging eyes filled with bile that begged to be thrown at him. She watched as no one, except Tyrion and she wanted him to survive the upcoming war. Everyone wished him and his cunt of a sister dead. Everyone dreamed of being the one to take the life of that damn incestuous pair. Jaime knew, he always knew people loathed him for what he did to Aerys II. He always knew people would want him dead for doing the most he could to protect his family. He always knew he would be alone on his way out of the Castle.

Lady Kyra refused to go back. She made it pretty clear that she wasn't a Lannister, if only just by blood. The people of the Winterfell learned to appreciate this girl who was a victim of House Lannister than one of them. She was tolerated and quickly fell under the protection of her older brother and the silver princess. Bäahal took a liking in the blonde beauty because she saw honesty in her eyes as she spoke of the predicaments this family put her through...Cersei and Tywin. She bid farewell to Jaime on the day of his departure and was holding back tears as she already expected this moment to be the last she would see her brother. Bäahal kept a stern face. She refused to let him see how devastated she was to watch him go. She refused to admit to herself that seeing him turn his back on her and ride his way back to King's Landing was hurting her beyond reason. Her heart was ripped open, a pain she had never experienced before and didn't fully understand. She wished he had stayed instead, with her, with his siblings. Her lips were trembling, her hands were holding onto her dress as she watched him leave. Daenerys glanced at her and noticed the struggle Bäahal was trying to hide, the anger and sadness she felt at this very moment, « Until we meet again. » He said so after they shared their first kiss. It was nothing, just a faint brush of lips and yet, it was the first time she actually was willing to let someone kiss her... the first time she actually wanted more and the first time she realized that she would never have it again. Tears pooled into her eyes and she turned her back at the leaving knight. Her lips kept trembling and she curled her fingers into fists. Missandei gasped and held the princess' hand in support but Bäahal shook her head and left the scene. Seeing Jaime leave was unbearable for her to watch and while she did not have yet the word to name her feelings, she could clearly hear the sound of her heart breaking into a million pieces.

-TBC-

(got) Bäahal: The greater cause

A/ N: Tyrion and Bäahal discussing before the war against the Night King and his army. It's a bit heavy because of the themes involved in, but oh so damn needed. All the usual disclaimers

xxx

The winds of winter seemed colder than usual, perhaps the seven gods were already weeping at the loss of their children lives. Perhaps it was just the weather that became more difficult to handle for the Southern Child. Bäahal hated Winterfell for its weather. She had seen how resilient the people of the North were, but also how curious and uncomfortable they were with the daughters of the Mad King. It took Daenerys some efforts to convince the Northerners of her good intentions. Yes, she came as a queen, earned the trust of their previous leader Jon Snow and brought with her savages from the South in the form of the Dothraki and former slaves in the form of the Unsullied. She was a foreign queen, this Daenerys and yet, her compassion shone through with each and every one of her speeches. They knew Daenerys agreed to come to the North and help them defeat the Night King's army with her two remaining dragons and her fantastic army. They felt grateful for her genuine interest in protecting them and little by little it became easier to see her walk around Winterfell with Jon or the Stark children. It became less tense between her army and Jon's people. It just became easier. Bäahal praised the people but hated the place nonetheless. Yet, the winds whipped her face that night and for the first time since she arrived at Winterfell, she tolerated them. The night fell upon the North and only the noises of dragon glass being shaped into weapons filled the air.

« I was certain I would find you here, your grace. » -Tyrion's voice tore the silence that had settled around her.-

Bäahal was mildly annoyed by the interruption of her sister's Hand. He always found a way to get to her but tonight, of all nights, she welcomed his company. She found comfort in the relative silence surrounding her and the solitude of the balcony she was standing at but having someone to talk to in the dying hours of the night was more than appreciated. Tomorrow, the great war will begin and everyone around her spent the night with their loved one. The princess already said goodbye to Daenerys and Jon earlier today. She renewed her vows to protect them with her blades. It was solemn, perhaps too much as it did sound like farewells. Daenerys confided in Tyrion that she was afraid her sister might actually seek death on the battlefield and wouldn't return to her. Tyrion comforted the queen as much as he could but he himself was uncertain about tomorrow. He tried to rationalize his fear, thinking that it was normal to be apprehensive about the next day. He had not fought many wars but had already been in a life-and-death situation. He vowed to never find himself in such ordeal and managed to not appear on the battlefield. He wouldn't tomorrow, because what good would an imp be against the white walkers? Instead, Tyrion would be more useful at Winterfell.

« We have to admit, Lord Tyrion that this is the ideal spot for introspection. I figured that maybe, I could use it one last time to clear my mind before the battle. » -Her voice was soft, softer than usual. He came closer to the silver princess and looked up at her face.-

« I figured you would. I was expecting you to bid farewell to your loved ones. » -He said, looking past the balcony.-

« I already had... » She clenched her fists. «I was expecting you to spend time with your family. »

« The night is still young... »

Tyrion wasn't sure about spending time with Jaime. Had they not already said all there was to say about them? Seeing him for the first time after Jaime helped his younger brother made his heart soar. They were on two opposing sides, but Tyrion championed his brother and believed that he wouldn't die against the Dothraki and Drogon. He feared for him when the blonde Lannister charged on his queen but sighed in relief when the ever loyal Bronn pushed the man into the lake. Seeing him again, to convince him to set up a meeting with Cersei warmed Tyrion's heart, for he could finally talk to his brother, express his gratitude for saving his life and show him that he did quite good on his own. He might have been disowned by his own family, he still remained a Lannister at heart, he still wanted to protect his siblings and ensure their survival. Even Cersei.....Even her. So why would he speak to Jaime tonight? Wish him good luck? He already did. Speak of what would happen once they return victorious? They already knew Jaime would return to Cersei and he would, once again, become an enemy. So what was there for them to talk?

« Yes it is... » -Bäahal answered, her purple eyes glowing slightly- « I have always thought that prior to the war, my mind would be focused on all the happy moments I've ever shared. I don't have many, Lord Tyrion, but I have a few moments where the pain wasn't the center of my life...and yet, all I can see when I close my eyes is the moment I took a life. »

Memories of that day overwhelmed the silver-haired princess. Memories of an endless stream of blood that soaked her dyed pink hair soaked her hands and arms and tainted the torn toga she was wearing. Memories of a man with foam at his mouth, who couldn't contain himself when she saw her perform her famous dance for him, alone, in his room. She could still feel his eyes filled with lust, undressing her as she went with her dance routine and remembered the sense of danger that overwhelmed her all of a sudden. Physical violence was not new in the slave's world, she had been flogged, branded, slapped around and her body used against her will to satisfy her previous owners. The new one was more gentle than the others, demanding but gentle. Exclusive too. Nobody but him was allowed to touch her and those who didn't comply had to face his wrath. So nobody dared. Nobody but this man who requested a private dance. He threw himself at her like a beast, not fast enough for the dancer to escape from his grasp. She ran, hit the table where fruits, meat, and some other edibles were on display. Bäahal fell on the floor, on top of a knife. The cold metal sent shivers down her spine but she saw a sign of the gods. The man was twice her size, a blonde giant with green eyes who held onto one of her wrists while his other hand was busy ripping her clothes off. She tried to scream, but her voice betrayed her, nothing but the wind escaped her lips so she knew she would have to rescue herself. Fantasies of freedom became more and more intense in the previous weeks and with it came a newfound desire. She refused. She REFUSED!

«You are going on the battlefield tomorrow. You're going to put an end to abominations.  I suppose thinking of the last time you had to be this violent comes with the territory. » -Wise words from the Hand of her sister. He was right. 

« Or perhaps, it is a way for my mind to remind me of my purpose and my dreams. Of what's to come next... »

It was a real carnage people said, the room was messy, there was blood everywhere. She was found confused, shaking and covered with his blood and bruises from his angry fists. She did struggle against him and he made her pay her resistance with a few gifts of his own, but she was still impressed by the moment. She took a life, she killed a man and from this moment on, she was free. She closed her eyes and ran her hand through her silver hair. Tomorrow would be the end, she was certain of it. Tyrion stepped closer to her.

« What is it that comes next, princess? »

« My death. » She simply said, her eyes staring at the distance.

« I beg your pardon? »

Had he heard her well? Did she just casually say to him that she was planning to die tomorrow? He couldn't know for sure if all of the men who would fight this war would return alive. He didn't even know if the wrighs won't succeed in invading Winterfell and turn each and every one of them into the undead. That didn't mean Tyrion was willing to die tomorrow or any other day. The princess, however, seemed to be seeking her demise. He had seen it happen with animals who grew up in captivity and once freed rushed to their deaths. Freedom had a bitter taste for the princess, she wasn't used to it, she didn't know what to do with her life now that it belonged to her and he could tell she was scared. Murdering her master was her first choice as a freed slave, joining Daenerys was the second. He suspected that helping the queen get on the throne became the only thing that defined the princess' life. Once that was done, he dreaded she would not have anything more to do and without a purpose, she would try and end her life.

« I am not going to make it. I know it deep down Lord Tyrion. All my life I have been wondering what my calling was. My horizon was limited, my options even more. I was born a property, meant to entertain and amuse. And while I thought this was it, that they had broken my spirit, then came the thoughts of freedom. It was my only purpose, survive long enough so I could see myself as a free woman, fulfill my mother's dream and make sure her sacrifice wasn't in vain. When I did... » She paused and shut her eyes tight. « When I did, freedom tasted heavenly. I was free, I owned myself, I could write my own destiny. I wanted to leave Mereen, see the world and decide for myself what would be best for me. Repaying my sister with my devotion seemed to be fitting. Her goal became mine. We would fight together until she was sitting on the throne. I couldn't think past this, I couldn't think of me. I didn't see /me/. » She said hitting on her chest with her fist.

Her voice was cracking and she covered her mouth with her warm palm and looked away. She didn't quite know why she was telling him so much about herself. She and Tyrion always had a complicated relationship. They started on rocky grounds, with mistrust and anger but as time went by they learned how to trust each other and ended up forming a relationship based on respect. Tyrion sighed and shook his head, definitely not pleased with what he was listening to.

« You have the chance to see yourself and think for yourself. You changed your life when you killed your masters, you changed your life when you joined our queen. You decided for yourself, why wouldn't you do the same once she's sitting on the throne? » -His voice was encouraging as if he wanted her to consider living some more.-

« I would have accomplished everything I had to accomplish. Fate willed Aerys II to have a child with my mother, a slave. Fate willed said child to be free and meet Daenerys. Fate willed this child to help protect Life itself in the battle that will happen tomorrow. I will give my life for the greater cause that is Life. How more noble could I be? » She asked, swallowing back a sob and forcing a smile on her lips.

« You haven't even begun to live, princess. The greater cause is fine for mortals like us who have ambition, but we hide behind this noble cause because we're afraid to look inside ourselves. We're afraid to discover that we're just ordinary men with hopes and dreams. »

« Isn't your dream to be able to reconcile with your siblings, Lord Tyrion? Your brother is here, your little sister is with him. You have the chance to repair your relationship with your estranged family, change the narration imposed by your ascendants and write your own history. You love Ser Jaime and Lady Kyra and I know you're worried you might lose your brother again to the Night King. I would say, go see him tonight... Go see your loved ones tonight. » She said looking away from him.

She was right and Tyrion refused to admit she was, so he stubbornly looked away from her as well, to give her some space. He tapped his fingers against his thigh and then cleared his throat.

« I will, like I said, the night is young. My point, your grace, was that you have hopes and dreams too and if you can't see them now, maybe with time you will find out. Life is mysterious, painful, surprising and I wouldn't stand there in front of you and say that it's worth living if I did not believe my own words. You are a young princess, and you have your whole life in front of you. You have a sister who loves you, a sister who opened her heart for you and one who truly cares for your well-being. We can guide you if you're lost or confused. We can guide you through this free life if you allow us to. »

He then grabbed her hand and pressed his lips to it. Bäahal turned to face him and knelt in front of him. The wind was blowing on the opposite side of her body. Tyrion looked at her intensely but didn't move. The princess moved her hands and gently cupped his cheeks. For the first time since they first met, she was warm to him. His body, stiff like a rock, relaxed against hers as he felt her thumbs stroke against his cheeks. The princess then pulled him into a hug and held him tightly against her frame. He leaned into her a little more and relaxed against her touch. He didn't quite know what to say to the princess for he felt he had said everything already. She was clearly afraid of life without someone to decide for her, but he was hoping that she would trust her sister and him to guide her.

« Thank you for your words, Lord Tyrion. I still believe that tomorrow I will meet my fate, but I won't forget what you said if the seven gods want me alive and Fate wills me to survive, I shall....try. »

It was the best she could say under such circumstances, but it was enough.

-TBC-

COPG The taste of heartbreak

A/N: :o all of this is confusing her. she's bending right now but hopefully, won't break. Elpis doesn't know just how complicated this situation would be when she gets out.

xxx

How long could she take it? How long could she go without knowing if he truly meant his words or if he said so because she was carrying something more valuable? She hadn't forgotten how it was when they first met. What he told her when she came forth with her feelings. how much it stung whenever she said "I love you" and he didn't say it back. It was to be expected of course. he told her he would never say it back and he was a man of his word.

So why did she persist? why didn't she wish her feelings away? could she really? could she when her life was threatened by deities thus preventing her from leaving his company? could she when he was so overwhelming and powerful that she couldn't HELP but be drawn towards him? Could she when he was indulging her and she couldn't get away from his kisses and embrace? could she? when they had sex and it was so good, so mind-blowing that for a brief moment she forgot that the sin didn't share her feelings with him? how could she get away from that?

She thought that if he didn't care, then maybe her being courted by other men would leave him indifferent but it didn't. he was selfish. he wanted her for himself. her love, her warmth, her everything had to be for him and him only. The photographer who tried to seduce her, nearly died on that day if it wasn't for her taking Pride away. The singer who wooed her during a show they both attended was shooed away by an angry and jealous sin. Nobody could take her attention from him, and if nobody could, how was Asma supposed to move on from him?

Maybe it just was possessivity because he was a SIN. after all, he was one. THE Pride. mother of all other sins, the worst of the worst. He was... complicated, to say the least, but it didn't excuse his behavior. toxic, possessive, smothering that it was.. how could a fragile flame like her survive? She was hurt and even more because he would not understand just how deeply hurt she was. It wasn't what she deserved. he wasn't what she deserved and she wished that Hope hadn't inhabited her body so she wouldn't dream of being with him. Asma liked it better when only fate dictated her world. She would have accepted the situation and moved on from it. He didn't love her? fine, she would have accepted it. But Hope was a bitch. she was cruel. she made Asma hope that maybe at her contact he would warm up to the idea. to maybe loving her back.

But that would be incredibly naive of her. he didn't, he wouldn't and she would wither away and die inside because he would never let go of her and never love her back. At some point, Hope always turns into despair and she was slowly getting there. May they find a way to bring Elpis back soon. Maybe once it's done and she served her purpose, Pride would leave her alone, empty and devastated because something extraordinary wrecked her life. It wasn't deserved. She didn't deserve to have him happen to her. she deserved better. she deserved to be happy and she really wanted to be. She wished it would be with him but it couldn't be. that's what she knew.

yet he said those words. He said them in a fashion that was odd for him. He cared more than he wanted to admit. He felt something but he didn't want to discuss it. why? why couldn't he? why was he hurting both of them?

So she was confused, even in the middle of kisses shared with the creature she came to love. Each of them left a bitter taste.

The heartbreak taste.