Love and whatnots: shower

Love and whatnots: Shower

Xxxxxxxxxx

Your strong hands cupped both of my cheeks while I turned the water off in order to have a better look at you. Your taller figure was towering mine, engulfing me in a comforting shadow. My panicked hazel hues stared at you but you smiled at me. You always smiled at me. Your thumbs stroked my cheeks, slightly distracting me away from the stress I was feeling that day. You always understood me, my silence and the words I couldn't say when I couldn't cope with life. You always knew what I needed, how I needed it; An anchor to reality. I needed to feel real again, myself again and you were always there. Your hands-on my cheeks guided my gaze to yours, where I could see your beautiful baby blues. For a minute, there was nothing in the world but you and me in that shower.

I wanted to apologize on that day, say that I couldn't help but feel sorry to put you through this ordeal. I wanted to say that you deserved better than a wife whose mind sometimes broke into a million pieces. I wanted to apologize, for not being as strong as I was supposed to be... A beacon of hope who had lost all of it...but you never wanted me to. You never let me finish my sentences, you never felt that I had to apologize for this. Your hands.. on that gloomy day, your hands healed me. As you were washing my hair, I slowly got anchored back to reality. I was back in the moment, with you in that shower. I remember my hands running over your strong back, I remember my fingers sinking into the hard skin of your shoulder blades and my body pressed against yours. I remember holding you so tight that I feared I would break you at that moment and I remember you holding me back.

I kissed your shoulder and I leaned against your chest, while the warm shower was running down her entwined bodies. I love you, for you can see me at my most vulnerable and still love me. I love you, for you never gave up on us when I always gave you a way out. I love you  because you said you didn't want a way out and would always choose me, all of me..all the time.

dear depression and anxiety

Dear Anxiety and Depression,

I know now that I can't do without you. You'll always be part of my life. I understand that you will sometimes make me forget you exist, and I will enjoy myself, my life, the very good moments I experience. I understand that you will come back with a vengeance, throwing black ink on the happiest memories I hold, you will fog my thoughts, blind me to the good I could do, could be, could give. I understand I will have moments of doubts, I will freak out, you will twist my reality. I understand that.

I have been battling you for decades now, first without knowing it was you, and only for a couple of years, aware of who and what you are. You're exhausting. If I am being very honest and blunt, you're fucking exhausting and I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel, the way you make me see myself, the way you make me see the world. I hate the thoughts you induce in my mind, and I hate your buddy « Thanatos » as I call him who creeps into my head and whispers to my ear that it would be best if I offed myself.

I never thought I would be able to survive so many years. Hell, I even believed I would be dead by age 24. When I lost my friend, Magz, to Thanatos, a couple of years ago, I wished I could join her so I wouldn't be a waste of space and skin. I wished she was at peace now, far away from the excruciating pain she felt every single day and I wish I could know it, peace...I didn't forget her words, the teachings she left me, the hope she -and my friends- induced in me. They helped me recognize the enemy, seek the help I needed and they saved me for the time being. I'm grateful...so very grateful for this.

Yet, here I am again, with massive changes in my life that make me lose control and throw me in the turmoil of uncertainty. I do very badly with uncertainty and tomorrows I cannot see or think of. So of course, you're flaring off, setting me ablaze, teasing me like there is no tomorrow. I want to ask, can you leave me for a minute? Can you let me enjoy the good I'm going through this year? Is it too much to ask for a minute of peace and calm? I have so much to deal with and I don't know how to face you anymore. I don't know how to handle the day. Step by step seems to be the best way... step by step seems to be the only way.

See, I'm happy right now. Deep down in my bones, I feel it. I am happy with the friends I have, the hubby I have and the many projects I want to realize. I might be frustrated with the job I have, I know there is a way out and I'm actively looking for it. There is no reason for me to feel like it's the end of everything or that I could lose everything because of what I could say, or do... or be. Please, stop making me feel like I don't deserve to be happy. Please don't scare me with losing everything I have been building for years. Please, just stop keeping me awake at night, twisting and twitching on my bed because I'm certain I'm hurting my loved ones and would never be able to make anyone happy. Please, stop making me feel guilty for being alive. I am trying my best to forgive myself for breathing, I'm trying to feel less guilty and there are days I succeed... there are others where I fail and I wonder why I'm still here and why there are people, who love me still...

Can't you see how exhausting you are? Can't you see how awful one's life might be? Can't you see? Can't you see ?..... I'm so tired today. I'm so tired, I need to sleep.

Doya: without him

Without him :

Oya threw herself at Dean, as soon as she came back home. Her arms wrapped around his frame and she pulled him into a tight hug. Her face rubbed against his t-shirt, and she took in his scent as much as possible in order to make sure that he was real. He furrowed his brows as he didn't expect her to be this demonstrative, but quickly wrapped his arms around her frame. Oya sobbed quietly, her fingers sunk into the warm flesh of the Winchester's older brother as she couldn't stop sobbing. He had rarely seen her like this, usually, she would shed a couple tears when kids were victims and he was wondering if it was the case.

« Don't you ever die on me again. » -She sobbed in her cracked voice.-

Those simple words were enough for the taller hunter to keep her in a tighter embrace and stroke her hair. He comforted her the best way he could, knowing full well that she probably had fought against a telepath or a witch, anyone who would have had the ability to make her hallucinate his death. To see such a strong woman like the ebony hunter break down in front of him was an unsettling sight, but more so, it was proof of her affection for him. She didn't want to lose him. He let his fingers run through her dark and heavy curls. He let them massage her scalp to help the petite hunter calm down but he felt her warm tears roll down his shirt and wet the fabric. Dean was right, Oya encountered a witch in her last hunt. That bitch made her see a world she refused to live in, a world without Dean.

It broke her heart and despair overwhelmed her to the point of wanting to fight Lucifer should she ever face him if it could avenge Dean. In reality, it would have had her jump to her death, killing her because she strongly believed Dean was killed. A world without him? How could she survive in a world without the man she felt so strongly for? She still remembered the cold body of the hallucination she was holding into her arms. She remembered feeling empty, then angry, then desperate. It was a bleak future that lied ahead of her, a future without his laughter, his smiles, his voice singing songs as they drove Baby to their next mission. It was a world where she wouldn't be able to stroke his head with her fingers, where she would not be able to kiss his lips, snuggle against him or feel his arms around her when she had a nightmare. It was a world where he wouldn't roll his eyes when she brought ugly aprons home or he wouldn't laugh at her for not having comebacks to his teases.

It broke her heart and made her cry tears made of pieces of her soul. She didn't want to go on, she didn't want to live anymore in a world where /he/ wouldn't be. The tears were real, the pain was real, the despair almost drove her to suicide. What prevented her from going through with her revenge was the promise she made Dean. She promised him to keep going, keep the family business should he pass away. How could she do it, if she wanted to die? How could she? She sighed deeply and renounced chasing after Lucifer, only to find out that she had been hallucinating the whole time. Her wrath was terrible and the bitch was dead, but her heart was still broken. For a minute, she believed she had lost her home forever. For a hot minute, she believed she was all alone in the world again and that the strong foundation built upon the ashes of her heart was crumbling down. Those emotions never left her and the woman couldn't help crying in his arms again.

« Please, never die on me, Dean...please... » She begged again, sobbing uncontrollably against him while he embraced her tighter and pressed his lips to her forehead.

« Never. » He replied, knowing full well it was a promise he couldn't keep. She needed to hear it, her heart and soul needed to be at peace, so he said so. He lied to her for her own sake. « I'm never dying on you. » He then helped her climb on him and wrapped his arms around her thighs. « You're stuck with me forever. »

« That's better. » She said between sobs. « I can't live without you,» she admitted and wrapped her arms around his neck. « I can never live without you. » She repeated before she took a deep breath.

« You won't have to. » He said, closing his eyes as he relished in her soft sweet scent and her warmth against his body. « Don't you die on me too then. »

« I don't intend to. » She replied, her voice calmer than before. « I don't intend to... »

-TBC-

Pride and Elpis: you're different

« You are different. At first, I wanted to ignore this truth, look away and wish I could have my beloved back, but it became impossible to lie to myself any longer. You are different. You are... better. I realized that the memories of you that I had, were biased because I was blinded by the childish love I felt for you. You were magnificent, you were overwhelmed and your lies and deceits, although painful, became my truth. The older you were a liar, he « arranged » the truth for me not to be mad at him. He made sure I believed his twisted tales and silver-tongued words, so I wouldn't leave him. He wasn't true, yet I still loved him.

I realize that I wanted to be taken seriously. I wanted to be respected and he gave it to me so I swallowed anything he said, be it true or false. I didn't want to lose him, to lose the only person in the whole universe who saw me as I was and who accepted me. Was it fair? Was it good? It wasn't. I grew frustrated over the years and while in prison, I had plenty of time to think of what we just were. I hung onto the false memories we shared, hoping that maybe if I wished it hard enough, it would become true. But you are different. You are not the older you. With you, I found something better. I found a better Sin than the one you once were. You are true. You are real. Your words, no matter how cutting they are, speak the truth. You're honest, despite what you embody. You chose to set me free, put me out of my misery and discover me.

I have changed. I'm not the same as I used to be. I guess I grew up during my exile. I am not looking for the puppy love we shared in the past, or to be one of your many mistresses. I don't want to be seen as beneath you, as a pawn to your game. I am your equal and I will prove it to you. Your thirst for revenge, your ambition, your desire to rule over the universe are shared by my very soul. I want to help you get there, I want to be by your side when you crown yourself the King of the Universe. I want to bring you comfort, joy, peace and fuel your thirst for more at the same time. I want you to look at me as the one person you can't exist without. Your soul mate, your better half. I want us to start fresh again, start over with nothing but our truths. You're different...you're different and I love it. All I am asking for is for you to give me a chance to know you. Like we discussed already, I want to spend more time with you. I want to understand you. I want to fall in love with /you/ and not the ghost of your past-self that still haunts me. Well... I am not worried about that last part, because as you can see, I'm already falling for you. You are different. You are better. »

Bäahal x Jaime : a broken heart

Bäahal x Jaime: a broken heart

A/N : since we agreed on what's to come next, here's a little in-between scene to highlight Bäahal's mind.

Xxxxx

Victory had a lingering bittersweet taste on it. Her sister won the « last war », she defeated Cersei and finally sat on the throne. Years of suffering, sacrifices, and pain were finally rewarded with the ultimate reward: Daenerys took back what was rightfully hers. She reclaimed the throne her family lost when Robert rebelled, she broke the wheel... or did she? Through the nightly conversation she had with Jon Snow and the future that lied ahead of them, Bäahal realized that it would not be as easy as it seemed to be. Daenerys would have to win the hearts and minds of the survivors, the nobles -since they had the riches- and the commoners. The war against the Night King somehow, helped the Northerners realize that she didn't have to help them but did so anyway. She fought alongside them and the weeks spent together helped them see her under a new light but it wasn't enough to convince everyone of her good nature. Jon anticipated this and told Bäahal that it would take some time, to convince most of Westeros of the goodwill of the queen and to have them accept change.

People hated change. They hated what they couldn't understand. Bäahal felt it every single time her eyes met with northerners. She saw disgust and fear in the eyes of her sister's subjects. People of King's Landing was not used to people like her. More than the fact she was a Targaryen, it was her darker complexion that had them perplexed, superstitious, distant. When she told Jon she wanted to explore Westeros, meet the people her sister was ruling and have them demystify the queen and Targaryens in general. He advised her not to go on her own, for people would not be very welcoming after the last War. He told her that he couldn't stop her from leaving and understood her desire to break free and figure herself out, but he was worried and he knew Daenerys would be worried as well. How right the white wolf was! How hard it proved to be to try and talk to people. Despite having two guards of local ethnicity accompany her, she was met with contempt for the « Targaryen » offspring, when it wasn't utter disgust and fear. People refused to have her come closer to them and with time, Bäahal chose to put some distance between people and her,

The journey was hard, harder than she expected, but she was grateful it took her away from King's Landing, where she didn't belong. Daenerys had a lot on her plate already with those nobles who wanted her to follow the old rules. She was to marry one fo them, a man with lands and a title and not the man she was in love with. Not Jon Snow. She was to make alliances, and each and every of her decision had to be carefully considered. One wrong move and she would be jeopardizing her hard work and sacrifices made for the greater cause. In order to appease each and everyone, meetings had to take place. They rejected change, Jon warned Bäahal, so Change had to come to them slowly but surely. Staying in the castle did no good to the princess who felt like she was suffocating between those brick walls. She felt trapped and forced to stay with her thoughts. Weeks after the end of the last war, she was going through an existential crisis. Now that her main goal was achieved -To have her sister on the throne-, what was left to do? Who was she going to be? Her newfound freedom was overwhelming and the realm of possibilities it opened to her was blinding the young woman. She had no clues of her identity, if not just the strong desire to be free and to decide for herself. She followed Daenerys, she fought by her side and now... and now what?

The princess allowed her body to sink into the hot bathtub that was prepared for her. She was tired of all those days spent riding her horse, going from small village to small village. Her skin was filthy from all the mud and dust from her ride and wanted nothing more but to be clean again. She laid her head against the metal and stared at the ceiling. Lord Jaime. Ever since the end of the war, she kept thinking of him. Throughout the fight, the ebony princess kept wishing he would have had the death he wanted: together with Cersei. Unfortunately, her worst nightmare came true. Cersei died and he survived his twin sister. At first, she thought they were rumors, but Bäahal was confronted with the reality of said rumors. Jaime survived. He had been imprisoned by Cersei upon his return for treason and did not participate in the last war. He never had the opportunity to be by her side when Death collected her soul he never had the opportunity to say goodbye. She died alone. He let it happen because she locked him up beforehand. It became an obsession of hers, to try and find Jaime Lannister and give him a proper burial, should he be dead, or help him overcome his grief. Her guts kept telling her that he was alive, somewhere in Westeros and she had to search for him.

She might not know who she really was, but she knew she was a woman of her word. Before they parted ways, they promised each other to give the other an honorable death. The war was over, but he survived it, so she had to keep her promise. She had to find him and make sure he has the death he deserved. Bäahal never really came to terms with the feelings she had for the knight. Those quiet but powerful feelings that grew over time were overwhelming. She was well aware that the man who kissed her that night didn't exist anymore. At the thought of it, the princess growled her frustration and sank into the bathtub a little more, it could all stop right there....she had fulfilled her destiny after all, hadn't she? What else could she be doing now that she was free? Why was she so scared of life? Princesses always wanted the same thing, after all. They wanted to have a family of their own. They dreamed of marrying a prince, having children....Bäahal should strive for this, shouldn't she? Marrying, procreating...raising children her mother would be proud of. She would choose her mate, find someone good who would treat her right...help others. Marry Jaime Lannister! The thought had her sit back on the tube and shake her head. Her hand clenched above her chest as she was trying to breathe again. This was an impossible dream...Deep down, she knew it so why was she still dreaming about the impossible? Should she truly care for him, the only thing she could do was to find him, help him get his Pride back and die like a true knight.... if anything else failed. If anything else failed...

She leaned both arms against the bathtub and started to sob quietly. Why was her heart so stupid? Why was it breaking into million pieces as soon as she thought of Jaime Lannister? What did the man do to make her feel that way? She had butterflies when thinking of him, she wanted to see him again, see the man who left Winterfell to join the woman he was in love with. She wanted to see him again and comfort him... She wanted to help him see that he had a future, a brighter future... with her and that selfish thought was both driving her and destroying her at the same time. Tyrion told her that Jaime was like poison. The more she would think of him, the worst she would feel. He warned her about the dangers of love and yet here she was, falling for the golden Lion... falling so hard that she knew she would break as soon as her body would hit the truth. She would break...But the risk was worth the pain. After all, wasn't what Love was about? Protecting the other? Saving the other? Making sure he was happy? Should death be what he wanted, then she would deliver it to him. Wasn't it what love was about? So why was she breaking away?

-TBC-

Oya x Dean: "losing' her."

//welp..... my lovelies. <3 

Oya blinked, the blood on her face was blurring her vision but she was still able to hold onto her phone and search for his name. Her heart was beating slower, now that adrenaline was waving off, Oya realized the extent of her injuries as pain washed through her body. She sighed and curled into a ball, her phone in her hand. 

"Dean... please....answer me." She gargled in her own blood before she coughed and shut her eyes tight. The pain in her chest was excruciating, Memories of the ancient god she challenged earlier. Her cover was blown up, her true intention revealed and the god left her for dead after mangling her body to the point she knew she would die if she didn't hit the nearest hospital. 

Her first thoughts were for Dean. Always. She wished he could hear her, realize that she was probably going to die but no sound could escape her lips. Instead, she coughed and gargled "help me." Were the only words she could utter before she passed out. Was it the end? She was half-conscious but not really awake. Oya felt lighter, better as if on another plane of existence. Was she dead? She looked at her hands and legs and then found herself at a coffee shop near the bunker. 

"Castiel?" -she furrowed her brows and put her hand on her chest, checking on the large hole in her chest. There was nothing. 

"You're finally awake. I almost lost you." He said, he gave a sigh of relief and put his hand over hers.

"Am I dead?" She asked, her eyes wide open before she quickly followed with "Is Dean okay?"

"He sent me here. He received your call, he heard you nearly die. I came as quickly as I could." 

"He got my message?" He nodded and She choked up. 

The petite hunter ran her fingers over her black heavy locks.  She realized what was going on and the thought made her relax. She was being saved by Castiel. Dean heard her and asked for help. Her fingers twitched as she instinctively tried to reach out to him to comfort the Winchester. She would have run her hand through his hair, massaged his scalp and would have kissed his temples. But she couldn't do it. Not this time. Not when she was the reason he might be upset. Dying never was an option. Not anymore.

How could she leave Dean behind? How could she leave when he finally let someone in? 

"Dean knows you're alright." 

"He does?" The angel nodded. He called Dean as soon as he started to heal Oya. He could tell by the tone of his voice that Dean was losing his mind. As soon as he heard her agonizing sounds and words, he realized that she was in a bad shape. No matter how fast he was he couldn't find her and the possibility of losing the petite hunter was driving him crazy.  Reassuring him became a priority. 

"I told him you were safe now. He's Okay."

"Good.... " she paused for a while and wiped tears off of her face. "I am sorry. I didn't expect... I didn't plan on..." 

"You don't have to apologize. I am glad I came on time." He let his hand squeeze her shoulder and stood up. 

"Yes..." She looked away and leaned her cheek into her warm palm. "I have always thought I was okay with the idea of death. I thought I would be serene when I die but I wasn't." 

Castiel tilted his head so he could look at her. He felt her fear of

The moment he entered the motel room the fight took place at. It filled the air, turned his stomach up and down and even in the astral plane he could feel it. She clenched her fists and kept talking. 

" I don't want to leave him...I don't.... the first thing I was thinking when I realized I was dying was that I didn't want to leave him alone." -he wouldn't be alone because he would still have team free will but she knew he wouldn't handle her death as well as the others. She also knew she didn't want to die because he was there in her life. "I just found him, Castiel. I just found him and I don't want to lose what we have. I am not ready to die." She admitted, her tears finally rolling down her cheeks. She wiped them off of her face and hid her face with both her hands. "I don't want to die... I'm scared." 

"You're in good hands, Oya. I won't let you die. I promise you like I promised Dean I won't let it happen." He squeezed her shoulder tighter, in a feeble attempt to comfort her and it did bring some support and lightened her mood for a minute. He vanished, for he was busy saving her and left her soul to try and relax.

He watched her actual body writhe underneath his hands. The superficial wounds did heal and he succeeded in stopping her bleeding but there was so much damage to her vital organs that repairing them would require some time. Castiel was not as powerful as he used to be. The rise of Metatron had seriously weakened the angel but he was still able o perform "miracles." He had to try his best, for Dean who was walking in circles, already blaming himself for letting Oya be on her own. Deep down he knew it wasn't his fault but he was on the verge of losing her and that was..... he couldn't accept it. Castiel received a call from Sam and took it. 

"I'm quite busy right now Sam. I can't really speak." 

"I know. I'm sorry but How is she?" 

"She's gonna be okay. Both of you, let me work so I can save her. You did the right thing when you called me. Now leave the rest up to me." 

"Uh... okay. Okay. Just... ring us when you're done." 

Sam hung up the phone and gave a crooked smile to his brother.  Dean's face was clenched and his body was stiff. He couldn't just stay there. How the whole body wanted to turn around and go to where she was but they were working a case. He had to trust Castiel. He had to. He had to! Dean had not said a lot of words but his mind was going

Wild. As soon as he heard her strangled voice and realized she needed help, flashes crept into his mind. The first time they met, her taunts, her laughter, those damn ugly aprons she always brought back, her smiles, those fingers into his hair, her smiles... what was he gonna do without all of this? Shit! Mind-absently Dean was stroking his pendant, hoping she could feel his presence through the pendant she sculpted him.  Oya felt her heart become warmer and dried her tears. She put her hand over her chest and smiled softly. "Dean..."  he was thinking of her, he was giving her his support and she could feel his presence from a thousand miles away. A strong connection that transcended distance, and astral planes. Love...

-TBC-

Jax x asma (soa) : the kids are alright

The kids Are alright. Or so she told herself. How could she proceed with life if she didn't tell herself a little white lie? Months went by since Jessica left Charming and Mayhem shook the town and the other nearby ones. Months went by since Jax was in prison and a visit here and there allowed for the pink hair to keep tabs on him. /he/ was the only one she was sure of his whereabouts. She knew where he was at least... she could visit him. When she could.

For a couple months, Jax was at med bay.  His future was not certain. He could have died because so many people wanted him dead... starting with the CO. The director of the prison or even the nurses. Some did hate Teller Son because his gang... his dad's gang hurt people they knew, cared for, loved even. Others hated him because they perceived him as vermin, as someone who had it easy, an outcast who didn't deserve to live. Others were scared of him. They knew how savage he was when angry, how vindictive as well.... they had reasons to believe he would come after them should he survive prison. 

The kids are alright. But were they? Abel and Thomas were used to not having their dad for a while but Ava wasn't and because she was smart she realized the truth and felt betrayed. Her smiles weren't the same anymore. Her eyes had lost her precious innocence. She saw the reality of her dad's life and had frequent nightmares about him being killed. Her mother wasn't around so she was quickly thinking of the worst. What if mom was like dad? What if she lied too? Asma wanted to be honest with the little girl but it wasn't her place, to tell the truth to her niece. And it was excruciatingly painful to keep the truth from this angel.

 But the truth? What was the truth? Asma knew "a" truth. What Jessica used to do before. She had no clues about today. Was she a mercenary? Was she something else? Something more? She was in the dark and it made her uncomfortable. She needed answers. The pink-haired inker knew she would never get them from Opie, Jax or even Jessica. She was too scared to ask the devil... Asma knew she would never know and frustration crossed her face and twisted it, much to Jax dismay. 

"How are the kids?" -he asked again while she tapped her fingers on the heavy black wooden table-

"The kids are alright. They are all waiting for your return and Jessica's" -her voice died at the back of her throat-

"Asma?..." 

"Blondie.... how---how are you holding up?"  -She tucked some hair behind her ear and flashed a crooked smile.- "do you get your muscles back? You were awfully slim last time I saw you." 

"I'm good. Tell Jess I'm getting my good looks back. She'll faint when she sees me."  -always the cocky smile. His trademark.-

"Good. I will..." she looked down and tucked some air behind her ear again. "Jax...." words escaped her mouth faster than she Intended to. "Nevermind...." she tweaked her brows and sighed deeply. 

"Spit it out Azz... what's wrong?" Jax tried to keep his strong face. He knew damn well what was wrong. He was locked up, away from his family and unable to help. His main concern was about survival and that was it. Make sure he would wake up and sleep safely at night. He knew the whole situation was taking its toll on the pink head but there was nothing more he could do but make her talk. 

"I'm okay. I'll soldier on." She rubbed her neck and closed her eyes. "I just.... really miss you guys that's all." 

"I know." Jax wanted to cover her hand with his or hold onto her shoulder. He wanted to say that she would be alright and he would be alright but the truth was... he had no idea. The prison was a jungle and parkour he had to do every morning. "I miss home too." He said, his blue eyes filled themselves with unshed tears. 

"A fresh bed would wait for you and Jess. I'll make sure of that." She nodded and ran her hand through her pink locks. " and the kids..... and me. I'll be waiting for you." 

"I know." He gave her his infamous smirk and gently leaned into his chair. "The wait is long. But I will be home. I promise you that." She tilted her head and leaned her cheek against her palm. 

"I know...I know. And you will do your best." 

She repeated and closed her eyes, a soft smile crept on her lips and she looked up to him. Visits were always difficult but this time things were different. This time she was truly hopeful.