I love you

« I love you » such wonderful words,

So much easier to say than to receive.

« I love you. » Is probably the most intense thing one can ever say to someone else,

The most powerful when it's really meant.

I never had trouble expressing my feelings

Never had an issue saying « I love you » to my friends and family.

Never had an issue saying it to the men I was desperately in love with.

It rolls easily on the tongue, and it relieves your heart from a heavy burden.

It's terrifying yet it's surprisingly easy to do.

« I love you. ».. « I am in love with you. »

You give your love, you expose your heart and of course, you wish not to get hurt

Sometimes it happens without anyone really wanting it, sometimes it's meant to destroy you.

The rejection that is... it's part of everything, isn't it? That one bit you can't control.

I got used to it, to the idea of it I think. It didn't happen that much to me but I saw it around.

Rejection... « I do not love you » or « I don't love you the same way »

Should it prevent us from trying to say such words? No, of course not.

Life has always been about being hurt or hurting people, even when you don't mean it at all.

It's also about finding peace and bonding with others. How you bond, however, is only up to you.

Rejection shouldn't be feared, it's only part of the process that life is. It's OKAY.

Maybe this could explain why I am so comfortable with saying I love you.

The only thing I am certain in a relationship is about how I feel, how I truly feel.

Only I can tell if I love or not someone if I am willing to expose myself or not

Only I have to decide, this is what I like about being the one who says the words.

I never really know how they feel. I sometimes can see it, especially when they protect me

I can see it when they trust me, I can feel it when they hug me.

I just can't seem to hear it when they say it. I'm not used to people « saying » things.

I'm not used to hearing the « I love you » sentence and when I do, I'm confused and scared.

What scares me so much about listening to someone say « I love you » to me?

It becomes real. It becomes palatable and as soon as it's real, then there's a risk for me to lose it.

Until I hear someone claim their love for me, I still believe I have to earn it and prove myself.

I am working hard to make sure I will be worthy of listening to these precious words

but when they are said, then tomorrow this love can be taken back from me.

I don't want it. I fear it. I avoid it... I am scared.

What could I possibly do without their love?

I can be my own person, I know I would be able to build myself back and move on... but darling, aren't they precious enough for me to want our relationship to last forever? Aren't they?

Maybe this can also explain why I was found speechless when Steve claimed his love for me.

It became too real and this love I couldn't have expected, this love could end tomorrow.

It didn't, but our story paused more than once each time becoming more painful than the last.

I didn't want it to happen anymore and yet here we are, about to get married.

I have thought of it several times, I even literally ran away from both the X-men and the Avengers

I ran away because I couldn't handle it. A wedding? How real this relationship could be?

He would be mine and I would be his, forever tangled in the ribbon of life and love.

We would become one before everyone to see, for the very reasons of my existence.

It is big. It is scary.... it is Worth everything.

« I love you Steve Rogers » and will take the risk to lose you again because this undying love I have for you, will always be there inside of me and inside of you.

« I love you »

journey into cosplaying: part 1 ordering and crafting

So I had a couple of days for me and my friends who are into cosplays as well.  The first  step was the easiest one: ordering items to make my outfit:

thing is, I want to have two outfits: one I would make from scratch and the other I would have crafted by a seamstress :)

First one cost me tons of money (okay, around 80 euros) just because I had so many things to order. I decided to go with a black outfit (let's play safe here) I could use in real life :D

so the body, yoga pants (a little bit looking like spandex), opera gloves, 2 wigs so I could have different styles,  head jewels, and wolverine earrings, as well as an x-men buckle belt, a sash, and a bolero.


The second costume I'll wear would be a blue and white dress I have designed a while ago. I believe it would be the dress I have designed ages ago for Asma to wear. I really liked this and have always wanted to see it worn by me and hopefully by someone else :D I also honestly want to have a great dress I could wear for something special, like a Ball or a wedding or something private between people and me :) or maybe my birthday I don't know.

yes, you can tell I really want to use again my stuff in my daily life. I will order it :) I have to order it.


I decided to craft my own stuff as well;

I did an opera mask inspired by x-force but customized so we could see me better
two X emblems, one gold and black and the other silver and black. one is a buckle belt and the other is a pin's

and then I have crafted Asma's emblem :D

I am super happy with the results :D super proud of myself and of course and hopefully, would show you how it is for real when I'm home.

with love

Kaedegirl

My journey into cosplaying : Prelude

Hi,

I am very moved to write this article and would try to keep my trail of thoughts coherent. I have always been fascinated with the world of cosplay. i have always been impressed with people who were able to to make wonderful cosplays and seemed to have a lot of fun with it. I have always dreamed of cosplaying my favorite character which is Storm from X-men. I never really knew how they made it nor the time really dedicated to a costume but I did know it was time and money consuming.

I couldn't have been more right.

A year ago, a friend told me that I would look great as my character Asma Jensen. I couldn't see myself cosplay my character mostly because I felt very shy. I am very self-conscious about my body. Thing is, I don't care about what people say about me, I had it all already, especially between my 19 and my 23. I was bullied at school, mostly by so-called friends because I wasn't the right size. (I grew bigger because of  some health issues and gave up so much/fast that, junk food became comfort food)  I don't care anymore about what others might say about me, but I do care about how I see myself.

And I don't love myself, inside of and out.

Still, that doesn't change the fact that I am very shy. I wouldn't have imagined myself put on a costume, let alone look confident while wearing my costume because let's face it, Asma is a freaking tank! she is very tall, (at least, taller than me) with LONG shapely toned legs (that I don't have), huge pink mane (that I obviously don't have either), perfect smooth skin (you guessed right), I don't even have her eye colour :p (but hey, I have already written in former stories and old roleplays that sometimes, she uses special lenses/contact to cover up her odd eyes.) and I don't have her smooth uni-color skin tone XD ahahah basically.. I don't look like Asma but I feel like her. It has nothing to do with the fact I am her creator or the fact some people would think she is a self-insert. SHE is NOT.

Asma is the embodiment of hope, the Elder goddess of it to be precise.
She is a woman, a complex one. She can be strong (physically and figuratively), she can be weak at times, she can be fragile, she is dedicated to her job, she is a real badass and a tank. She is someone a lot melancholic and yet she can be like a sun in the life of many. She is my Hope.

She is my baby, my inspiration at times, she is something I am crafting and working on but she ultimately is giving me hope and helps me handle the shit I have to deal with every single freaking day. she is all of that, but she is love.

So here's my point: of course, I would ADORE seeing other people's take on my character no matter who they are (but please, no blackface), I would feel flattered if she could reach out to people and touch their souls, I promise I would work harder on her even more :)

but this is my thing right now, this is really for me. This is about me getting the confidence to love and accept my body the way it is. This is about me trying to see how cosplaying is, this is me trying my hardest to become my own character and have fun while doing it :)

I am not going to become a "cosplayer" per say, this is really just a first attempt. :D if it works, maybe I should go as Storm :D

We don't know, but please, I hope you will bear with me talking to you about my cosplays :)

with love,

Kaedegirl

I love you but I am not brave enough to say it out loud

"I sometimes wish I didn't exist for I would not know the torments of loving you. I sometimes wish you could feel the intensity of that love too. It's never ending... but along with it comes the fear of failing those I love the most, including you, especially you.

I can't stomach to fail you when you most need me. I very often worry if I am enough or if this love is Worth your time and attention. I very often need to be reminded the simplest things... such as what you feel for me. Listen carefully... It's precisely because I am in love with your soul and theirs, with each one of your perfect "imperfect" beings that I am scared the way I am.

What if you wouldn't want to look at me and my scars the way you are doing today. I wouldn't bear it. this is why I tend not to show them to you and handle them on my own in fear of losing you. But you know me well.. you always see when something's wrong.

But I am serious. There are days when it's too much for me to handle, that love I have for you.. the one I have for them because you could walk away in just a blink of an eye and I would be alone. I can deal with being alone. I can deal with solitude. I just can't deal with loss.... I can't deal with losing you. I don't want to. I love you...Yet, I won't even be able to send you this text. See how much of a coward I could be? I'll let it hang there, save it on my phone and look at it when I feel the panic overwhelming me. I love you...I am in love with you. I just wish I was brave enough to say it out loud."