Jonathan Jeremiah - Gold Dust (Official Music Video)

holiday greetings

I know I am being late to the party, but it's still early enough for me to land this note here:)

Lelia made this a habit to deliver to us a Santa Thong (or Sexy Santa) picture to celebrate the end of the year and thanks to her, it also became a habit of mine to write a heartfelt message to welcome the holidays. So my friends, tribute to you the last three paragraphs.

2015, what a dreadful year ! It's not so much about what I hoped would happen but didn't. It's more about what did happen and I wish it didn't. It would be very easy for me to talk about the Ugly as I call it, but I will leave it where it is for it's not the place nor do I want to actually talk about it. This year almost never saw me end it but right in the darkest hours, I was blessed. I am blessed and this is what I am going to celebrate.

I could go on an on about the difficult but rewarding experience it is for me to try cosplay. How many people are encouraging me not to give up on it. Such positivity from the cosplay community is heart-warming. It's more than just wearing a costume, it's a challenge for myself and for people like me to overcome their fears and do it the right way. I could go on about it, but I'll save it for another day. I could also ramble about Comic Con and the joy it made me feel relationship wise. Seeing my artist buddies, having a great time with them is always a pleasure and somehow it makes me feel at home. They are fun, caring and skilled and seeing them reach their goal would definitely make me feel happy for them. I could go on about how I met Stephane Roux and befriended him ! We had a delightful conversation with him and it was something I have always wanted to do. Maybe as much as having been noticed by two or three of the artists I have an art-crush on, like the biggest art-crush on. To have them talk to me, to see us becoming good friends is something I treasure very much : anything is possible ? This looks like it ! All by itself was already a little miracle.

I could go on an on about that project of mine I can't openly talk about just yet. It's not as « big » as it might sound like (no contract or anything, let's not dream too hard), but in itself it's something so huge for me that I am DYING not to be able to speak about it until the first part is done and ready to be shown. But it's taking a lot of time to do and it's exciting to say the very least ! Even this is a blessing ! One I believed was a joke made on me until it was confirmed to actually be happening <3 another dream came true.

I could spend days talking about my character and the fact I have started to dig into my old work and design more characters for her own story. That I am getting close to decide what I want to do with her and keep it coherent and focused. I am positive that by December 2016 , I would have made up my mind and would start working on it more seriously. I could hope, it's not a promise. Talking about it would be my greatest joy but as most of you know, I am still working on sharing my stuff and taking myself a little more seriously. But it's going to happen someday. <3

Yes, I could go on an on about all of that but it's not the most important. What 2015 brought me was definitely my friends. I'm talking about my lovelies, my brothers and sisters from other misters. I'm talking about those who can /see/ me and know about the Ugly and the Bad. <3 those who gave me their undying love and loyalty, those who care for me. Everyday, especially when life was such a dire challenge, you were there for me. Every e-mail, text or phone calls I received in such dark times were uplifting me, encouraging me, supporting me and even beyond. You've shown me so much love, so much care that even today I cannot believe it is real and it exists. You know why I'm saying this, what brought me to think like this but every second I have a doubt or my world gets twisted you help me fix this and see past the smoke. I love you, always and forever ! You know what that means, you know it, even when I believe you don't. I'm being super clumsy right now but each and everyone of you already know how I feel about you and how much I actually love you and I COULD NOT have dreamed of better friends than you. You never gave up on me, not even once, not even when I did and for this, I wish there would have been a word to express my gratitude but there isn't except : thank you from the bottom of my heart. We're going through thick and thin and I've just realized that it's not just in my head and you actually do mean your words <3 how could a woman not celebrate such wonderful beings ? How could one not celebrate such wonderful friends ?

Finally I do not forget the new friends I have made, the ones I am still learning to know, the ones who saw me and were all like « who's this crazy lady ? I want to be friend with her ! » ahah:) I am so glad to have met you ! I don't add people at random, trust me. So if you made the cut and you're still around then you're pretty awesome and I like your brain. <3 <3 so please, keep being awesome ! Keep being wonderful ! Okay ?

You've made this year suck less than it did, you made me every little victory feel like I've won the war. You've made me appreciate my time here and now, as I speak, I even dare feel hopeful for 2016 to become the year 2015 failed to be for me. To become my year and also yours. To become a year filled with as much joy as possible and as little darkness as possible. I want you to be happy, even more than you could possibly be right now because everyone of you deserve their corner of happiness. That's how I love you best <3

lingerie

There is something sacred about wearing a sexy lingerie. Take the time every morning to go through your collection and carefully pick up the one that would fit the mood of the moment. Do I want to feel cute? There you go hearts and sunflower patterns. Do I want not to care? Here you go grandma panties. But what I love the most is when I want to impress myself. And today I picked the galaxy.

I'm celestial, watch me strut on the streets. Watch me glide over the pavement as if I owned it. I'm on another plane baby. Walking among mortals while I feel like nothing can happen to me. My body is beautifully wrapped in a form-fitting attire, one that empowers me and makes me feel radiant. That smile you think you saw, that chuckle you think you heard? They were all for me, cheering me up for choosing such a nice ensemble.

I look at my reflection in every mirror or glass I can see, looking at my frame, and turning around. People won't understand, they'd think I'm vain for looking at myself but what they don't know is that I'm thinking of what's beneath the clothes. How perky the bra is making my breast, how tight it's holding my tush, how shapely the thighs are making my legs shapely. I'm celestial darling.

I think the best is when I'm talking to you. When my eyes are watching you undress me and trying to figure out what kind of goodies I'm hiding beneath. Can you feel the heat? Can you feel that thing? I'm tripping on my seat, projecting my mind to when I take you to my place with a hand on your tie. I'm tripping on my seat, projecting my mind to when you'll peel my clothes off of me, throwing my shirt, my pencil skirt, and my shoes away. You'd undo my bun and make me sit on the bed.

My mind is wandering, already picturing you taking in the view in front of you. I can feel your burning gaze go up and down on me, tasting me first before your mouth comes to confirm it. I can feel your fingers tangle with my hair as I sit comfortably on the bed and spread my legs. I feel powerful, I feel immortal. I feel that today and tomorrow are in the palm of my hand and I could be your plaything but you are already mine. I fickle around with the thought and you notice it. My face betrays me.

I'm a celestial baby, I'm immortal! I can see you fall on your knees, kissing my starry thighs, and my starry toes, and massage the tensed skin into a puddle of nerves until I finally moan your name. I can see you play around with your hands, stroke and stroke my smooth skin until the very center of it, teasing me, making me buck my hips. I can see you now that you're sitting in front of me, devouring my whole frame with your icy blue gaze. You want a piece of it, you want a piece of me.

I could leave you right now, leave you to your thoughts, and go explore mine but I picked up this lingerie on purpose for today is the final strike. I will make you bend your knees, knock you out until you finally rise again, set the wolf inside of you free, and finally make your claim.

So.. what are you waiting for?

That james bond RP

Since I'm unable to write anything sexy, here I go:D it's a VERY old rp I did (it was live rp actually) right around 2008/2009. I loved this story and I might maybe write something from the same universe, so by request, here you are:) I'll write more about the characters I played in that story and would just mention what some of my rp partners did.

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James bond agent 007 ( played by my partner) Daniel Craig's JB, right after Casino Royal) :

He's lost Vesper and is definitely not in the mood for romance. He doesn't appear in the story for a LONG LONG TIME. It really is when Special Agent Charlie Deen is sent for a dangerous heist mission, that he's sent as a backup. He would soften up a little around Charlie and the two would become close partners. Close a la James Bond and Moneypenny but a lot more since he actually sleeps with Charlie. The young woman would fall in love with him again and because of that love, she would sacrifice herself to ensure his safety and would die a hero, saving the world in the process.

Agent André Norton : (he was my main character).

An agent who admires 007 and wants to become a 00 himself. His older brother, Nathan, is the main villain of the story and he's doing his best to stop him. André is a tall and well-built brunet with blue eyes. He has a very short temper and doesn't want to be emotionally linked to anyone, especially not a woman. He used to follow Nathan's path of destruction (even worked for him in his young years, as a hitman and his bodyguard) until he had to kill a little girl and later then, he faked his death. He was recruited later on and became a special agent. He fell in love with a former partner, special agent Karina. Both would have retired and lived together if Nathan hadn't found both of them, shot André critically and killed Karina by setting fire to the house they lived in, with her bound and disabled by a crippling injury. André lost the love of his life and sworn to take his brother and his organization down. He would meet agent 003, Natalia Rodriguez (my partner's character. It wasn't even her real name.) M long-lost daughter who was a death seeker too. André was traumatized and broken, quick to anger, petrified whenever there was a fire for it reminded him of the night he lost the love of his life. He would not get along with Natalia at first, but love would heal old wounds and open new ones. He would also be able to meet his idol: 007 and do the last mission as an agent with him. He would also get revenge and kill Nathan himself, save 003 and quit for a sabbatical year the job so he could build a life with 003. When he returns, he became special agent 009 and worked together with his wife Natalia.

Sëerla Olusegun: The Black Whip.

She is a serious antagonist. Long-life partner of Nathan, her past was a tragic one. She and her little Sister Nëela were abducted and turned into assassins. The mental torture scarred Sëerla so much that she wasn't able to rebel against the orders she received., at 15 (while Nëela was still 10), both were sent back to their peaceful Kenyan village and both were ordered to slaughter their families and the inhabitants of the village. Sëerla received an extra motivation by being threatened to lose Nëela if she didn't do it. In order to save her sister, she took upon her, the killings and slaughtered everyone. That was when she snapped and became a blood-thirsty hellbent on revenge vixen and helped Nathan overthrow the leaders of the organization. Deeply in love with Nathan, she would do anything to help him achieve his goals, even if that means killing her own sister. Sëerla is a gorgeous woman, slender and extremely flexible she has fine and delicate features and a dark ebony skin that only contrasts with the smooth pearly white of her teeth and her eyes. She could have been a supermodel if not a psychopath. She dies, protecting one last time the love of her life.

Nëela Olusegun: White Phoenix. (second main character).

Nëela was abducted when she was a child, along with her sister Sëerla. Both were turned into assassins but Sëerla lost her mind and embraced this new life while Nëela was trying her best to escape from the organization's mind control. She succeeded and started to go against some top-leader for revenge. The codename comes from the white inked phoenix that is on her back and which is a constant reminder of what she's been through. Nëela is very sweet and soft and naive. She isn't a spy and doesn't know how to fake emotions but she's the best assassin around, one with a terrifying reputation that everybody heard of. Nëela, during a mission where she would be badly injured, would meet Special Agent Rubi and fall in love with him (in spite of him constantly rejecting her and even worse, she would meet agent 003 with whom he's still in love with and wouldn't even be able to bring herself to hate her). She would also meet André who would take her under his wing -half to use her abilities and half because he actually cares about her. He heard of her in the past and wanted to save her but couldn't until he became a special agent). She, like Natalia, is a death-seeker for she can't seem to forgive herself for the deaths she was responsible for but Rubi would ALWAYS prevent her from succeeding in killing herself. At the end, Rubi leaves and she is forced to get herself together and embrace a new and free life. (a number of feels and tears this character brought me:/ ) she was quite short, with a curvy and athletic body. Her legs were strong and her agility uncanny. She also truly was a war machine and would spend most of her time calculating the fastest way to complete her mission and escape.

Hector (Eduardo « Eddie » Frazetta) : (my second favorite character to play)

Hector was Nathan's bodyguard, one that knew André and the one who killed Karina. He is a straight up psychopath, a sadist, and violent man. He was the son of an Italian Kingpin, Giuseppe Frazetti who built an empire, in Sicily. The leaders of the organization disliked the stubbornness of Giuseppe and decided to kill him and steal his empire. Hector, in exchange for his mother's life, offered to give himself. He was very attached to his mother and kept visiting her as he grew into a handsome but dark man. He would always bring along with him the dead bodies of those who tried to harm her and she always encouraged him to express this side of him. He had a fetish with blood, usually licked it off of his daggers or anything he'd use to kill his target. He would always make sure to draw blood and would never use his hands until he deemed you worthy. He met another dark lady (Played by my partner, I forgot her name, so I'm picking on) named Amara. Alone, naked and covered in the blood of her victim and intrigued would bring her back to his condo. He'd have her shower and put on a shirt of his and they would talk. Turned out that this Amara is exactly like him, a broken and deranged lady who would find something to love inside of him. Together they would go on killing sprees and she would even work for the organization but for her own agenda. She would eventually get the revenge she actually was craving for. She would get close to his mama, so close that the mama would entrust her with the safety and happiness of her son before she dies. When Hector lost her mother, he entered a very deep depression and it really took a lot from Amara to actually help him out of it. They'd die protecting Nathan, together in an everlasting embrace. (he truly was an asshole! Even with Amara who also was a real mean bitch! But they truly loved each other. It was... to say the least, romantic and disturbing to play them. )

Nathan Norton :

Nathan and André's parents died when they were young and when both were looking for a shelter and some food, they met the late CEO of the organization who offered to hire them in exchange for a roof, money, and food. Nathan accepted but quickly started to regret due to the true nature of the organization. He protected his young brother as much as he could but had to go through an extreme stress and trauma for all the deaths he caused. At some point, he met Sëerla and deeply fell in love with her and her crazy ways. Together they fomented a plan and assassinated the CEO, thus becoming the new power couple. He truly snapped when his brother betrayed him and left and driven mad by his pain and Sëerla's venomous words, he turned against his brother, found him, had Karina killed and let his brother suffer to death... He became worse over the years, even worse than the former CEO and sunk little by little deeper into his insanity. Convinced that humanity is a problem, he would kidnap a very famous scientist and bribe him with the promise to see his sister back (while he had her killed way before he abducted the scientist) so he could build a powerful nuclear weapon, able to pulverize the whole planet. He would be stopped by André himself and killed, next to his beloved Sëerla. He's a very handsome brunet with hazel eyes who is very tall and quite strongly built. But he was crippled by a bullet André shot at him when he learned that Karina was burning alive. Since the accident, he's walking with the help of a cane.

Rodrigo Ramirez

He's a genius in his field but was abducted and forced to work for Nathan in exchange for his sister's freedom. Unaware he is being played with, he would be resistant to agent 003 (who went by the name Sonja Skarsgard) who went to his rescue and infiltrated the work camp he was held captive at. Extremely respectful, he would treat agent 003 in such a way ( a different way than André) which would confuse the hell out of her as to what to feel. Unwillingly, him, André and Rubi would be part of a love-rectangle with agent 003. It would reach an end when Rubi would leave and Rodrigo would step aside once he realized that she and he would never work. He would help deactivate the nuclear bomb and destroy his plans and thus save the world and would, later on, become a consultant for the MI6.

Charlie Deen

She was the daughter of a beauty queen and a former Navy Seal. Her dad died in 2001 and his death opened up a basket case full of terrible shit. She struggled a lot with her life, not knowing what to do with herself until she met M who actually saw some potential in her and she became a special agent. She was an expert at stealing things so all the heist missions or intel missions were given to her. That is how she got the information about the nuclear bomb Nathan was building, about Nathan and André's family ties, about 003's current location as well as what she did before she forced herself in André's mission and most importantly about Nëela Olusegun whereabouts. She would fall in love with James Bond with whom she would sleep -a couple of times-, but then realize that he is not returning her feelings in spite of him caring for her. Charlie would then realize that the house they went to and which provided them all the intel they needed to stop Nathan was trapped with three bombs and there would not have enough time for both of them to escape. She kissed Bond one last time, thanked him for helping her feel alive for the first time in ages and the throw him through the window and into the pool. He would only have the time to look at her for a second before the explosion destroyed everything. It is her death that will have him « finish » the mission with André and the rest of the team. Charlie was a very sweet woman. Her femme fatale look was just a façade to hide her soft heart and she would have been a doctor or maybe a nurse so she could take care of people. Bond would later personally go to her mother and tell her the terrible news. Had he not already lost Vesper and fell in love with her that he would have probably fallen for Charlie.

Rogue x Gambit: why I love them

My second OTP in the Marvel Universe. (X-men franchise)

These two can go on their usual on/off routine for all I care. It's basically what I loved about these two: the drama, the passion. the UNRESOLVED sexual tension between the two.

The fact she was a woman who had to deal with her lack of/inability to connect to people because she couldn't touch and yet still was able to build strong relationships without it. The fact she was complex, from the total babe with a huge confidence in her abilities during fights or even her sex-appeal to the moments she felt less than human because she couldn't touch people and therefore couldn't communicate the simplest things with a hug, a kiss or just holding her friends/beloved hands. The fact she was extremely gorgeous and extremely POWERFUL too was appealing to me and in spite of that strength, she was so human that it couldn't be less than easy to connect to her and relate to her. There are days when I feel like her, trapped within myself and yet here I am.

Gambit was also appealing when I was younger and even today. he could have had become my favorite character if it wasn't for Wolverine. This man was shrouded in mystery, enigmatic, charismatic, suave and tantalizing. He was not only sexy and handsome but the man had a darker side. He made mistakes, not just once, but MANY times. He betrayed his friends, was forgiven (and back and forth played around that theme). He sacrificed what he held dear the most for the greater good. Rémy was no hero in the traditional sense of the term but he was a hero in the way he performed in the team. He was extraordinary in the way he loved Rogue. He was brave because it wasn't an easy thing to love someone you can't touch. It was spiritual, it was emotional. He was an ass, I can admit it and maybe it was the fact he was flawed that drawn me to him.

Together? I loved their banter, I loved their teasing, I loved (It hurt my poor teenage heart so much) when they fought and when they held on. Remy's determination not to let go of Rogue because she was "different?" the fact this love was genuine? The fact he even ended up "accepting" her relationship with Magneto (the brief one they had) in spite of it hurting the poor guy's heart? MAN, how could I NOT LOVE THEM?

SO yes, I love this pairing. I wish for a smoother, better relationship with a real improvement instead of the back and forth plots but it seems that it's never going to happen anymore. It's okay. like all good things, you have to let go when it's over. but I will always remember them together, of the passion between them, of the dedication one had to the other. Maybe this is why I like to write stories like that. Maybe.. 

Half-serie: Violence

Because emotional violence is definitely something not to joke about. this is not to be glamourized, this is not pretty. this is ugly.  and yet, here I a

Monster girls: Anxiety and Depression

it's very personal since I am suffering from both of this.  I wanted to express a litle bit what I am feeling. 

Storm and Wolverine: on why they are important to me (short version)

Storm and Wolverine (punk Storm era): probably the moment that established them as a couple in my head.

I would only say this: They have this rare chemistry between them. that connection that is literally everlasting. I think the most appealing would be the trust they put in each other. The level is uncanny for both would follow one another to death in a blink of an eye. They would go because they love, care and trust the other so much they know both would try their best not to let the other die. They complete each other in such a versatile and complex way that I have yet to see. both being similar in their passion, concern, devotion to one another (or any friends/past lovers they had), both similar in this thirst for freedom and being their own person. Both similar in their connection to nature. Both similar in the hunger for the other's warmth (or their friends/former lovers), both similar in that thirst to live and feel and experience even if doing this will cost them a lot (Punk Storm lost a lot but damn, she gained a lot more, Logan is a trope codifier for that).

Both are different though, in the position they assume (Logan, for what I consider canon) never was the type to lead. He's the backup, the support, the main man but not the leader whereas Storm, although at times unsure, was born to rule. Different for she is the Air and he is the Earth. For she is areal and god-like and he's a commoner, an assassin, a feral. different for while she knows who she is and what she truly wants, she is always trying to tie everything together, contain her powers and refrain herself (sometimes) from being true to herself whereas Logan's thriving for this, He is loud about being himself, he'd do anything to manifest his very being because, yes, he's craving for being himself and yet it took him really long to actually piece himself back together, own his past, admit what he used to do, embrace who he became. not just a man and not an animal but a mix of both. it took him so long to be at peace with himself.

They have been partners, friends (maybe best friends), sometimes at opposing sides but one thing always remained: their loyalty towards each other. To me this is a solid ground to build a relationship, this is what makes it beautiful and so true.

Someone asked me lately what is the one thing that considers is vital in a relationship. how does love really manifests? I believe the question can't be contained in one word, one thing but loyalty might be that word. Of course, to pair with honesty. only when you truly are yourself that you can commit to someone for the long term. Loyalty makes you stick together with that person, loyalty makes you come back even after an argument because you know you can fix it. Loyalty is what makes you care about the other and push that person to be its best. Loyalty is the core, but what's a core without a body. The rest is important as well, but loyalty is what will make you stay even if you feel like an asshole and the one you love acts like one. you'll go past that because you know better.

I freaking really love this couple. freaking REALLY love this couple. and despite whatever you can bring to me, I choose to look at them like that  they inspire me to be a better person that's why émoticône smile émoticône heart

Just like before -Katarina x Asma x Marcos-

Katarina and Marcos belong to my friends and respective owners C. and J. Asma belong to me. 

xxx

She was sitting still on the chair, with her arms behind her back and her delicate hands entrapped with pearly beads. Her body was a work of art, one that Gaea was extremely proud of. He stared at her, with arms crossed over his chest while he was still holding the belt in his right hand, the very one that left red and hot marks on her soft skin.

A third player appeared and wrapped her arms around Death's waist. She kissed his shoulder blade and leaned her head against the hard and chiseled arm of her husband. It always was a game they loved to play together, the three of them. One where they could unleash their passion, blow some steam off, living their crazy fantasies. A moment none of them had enough lately, so when Asma finally visited the couple, they took the opportunity and soon clothes flew off, hands were tied up and feelings intensified.

"How do we begin?" -She asked, licking her glossy red lips as she played with the leather belt-

"I have a pretty good idea Vixxsin. She's ripe."

"Ohhh... I see.." She planted another kiss on his shoulder, leaving her red imprint on him as she walked towards the young woman with pink hair that was waiting on the stool. She was arching her back to expose her best assets and pretended not to be ready for what was coming next while she actually was begging for it. Elise bent slightly forward and grabbed her chin. "My.. my.. my.. what took you so long to come visit us?"

"......I don't know. Maybe I wanted to build things up to this moment? What do you think? Have I been a bad girl?" She mischievously asked, pouting a little bit, while her dark-haired lover grabbed her cheeks, ever so softly.

"I think you've been very very bad... very very bad."

Dr Doom, small analysis

credits to the wonderful artist! and Early goodnight from me ♥)

Dr Doom is definitely the villain I identify the most with. We share a lot in common, maybe more than I could ever admit.

I could go on and on about why I think we're kindred in spirit and behaviour but it would be too long and too personal. But I see him, in his complexity. So I'm just going to talk about him.

One could argue that he's an old-school one-dimensional villain and he might have been at the beginning. but he evolved, he became better fleshed out. He was not just a genius with a god-complex, he became much more.

Yes, he has a certain love for art, for grandiose, for purple prose but to me, he's a complex version of Dr Jekill and Mr Hyde, or of Frankenstein and his creature, of a man and monster. A man who has it all, really: he's a genius, he's wealthy, he's cunning and witty, he rules a country that is self-sufficient and very advanced. He could have had everything. But he doesn't.

he's very self-aware, self-conscious of what he looks like. he's been disfigured, vulnerable, cast away for his ambition. He is constantly challenged by a former friend/rival, lost his one true love to an arrogant prick, mocked upon if not feared for both his aggressive and dominant armour but also for his true self, the scarred man he is. They mock him, they attack him, they feel threatened by him but he doesn't care about it.

No... it's his reflection he dreads more. It's the broken and twisted image of himself that truly is his enemy. the physical scars and torn/burnt flesh is nothing but the representation of how he sees himself. He could heal, he could build the technology to repair the damages but either he chooses not to, either he doesn't even think about it. Why? he doesn't think he deserves this. it's self-imposed. He doesn't trust the world, it's true, he hates anyone who isn't a Latverian, but I believe he doesn't trust himself either. How could he? When he's DOOM?!

Does he live by his last name? does he live by the legend he built about himself? Maybe... Maybe not. Who really knows who Doom is? Why does he build so many copies of himself, only to have them smashed and destroyed in fights against his enemies? Isn't it...a way to see how it could feel for him to actually vanish from existence? Why does he lose? no, why does he ALLOW himself to lose? over and over again? if he was that smart, he should have already planned everything and defeated Reed and his folks. but he never did, or if he did, temporarily. I believe it's because of deep inside of him, it's something he can't allow himself to do. He can't win. He would never win because he doesn't deserve to.

Oh, he has ambition and he has his own agenda. I'm not saying he's a big softie here. I'm just thinking, There's more to him than some random plot to conquer the world or prove he's the best. I think, there's this huge scar, ripped open for all to see but only a few can notice it. Only a few can pierce through the armour he's created and see the man. Only a few can understand what he's going through.

Only a few...

journey into cosplaying: wanting to give up

I want to give up. It's been a very rough summer for me. especially June and August. I can't stand my face today, I don't even want to pay attention to it. I feel ugly and there are times when I feel okay. I don't understand. I don't understand why I even wanted to cosplay my character while there are others who can do it even better than me. Look at that waste of space and skin I am.....

I have zero costumes done, I shall be sewing them or have them sewn BUT I want to lose weight before, my vanity is this important. I want to be in a shape that makes me feel comfortable. but I haven't been to the gym for basically 2 full months. it's too much. I'm even skipping this first few days of October after having said I would want to.

Why can't I keep up my own promises?

Why is it so hard?

Why am I falling apart?

I don't want to give up though, I want to keep going. I need to cosplay. I bought the tickets anyway. Why spoil my fun? maybe it's because I'll be alone on that day? who cares? why should I care? it's for my own fun, I bought the tickets for god's sake.

I don't want to give up

Going through your old stories

And my god, not only the English was atrocious BUT the stories were as well. I feel so ashamed for writing them but at the same time, they reflect my mood of that time, my dreams and hope and how the character was shaped in the past. It's valuable, even if I'm mortified right now.

it's easy

It's easy to give into one's fears, easy to blindly hate or feel anger.
It's easy, really, just close your eyes and let it rush through your veins,
In less than a minute, you'd be saying things you wouldn't expect,
in less than a minute, you'd feel the thirst for blood and for pain
I don't admire people who are angry, I try not to be angry myself

But I'm just human

The hardest thing is to love the other, to cherish someone in spite of the fear
The hardest thing is to trust the other, to give them a piece of your heart
The hardest thing is to be vulnerable and to allow yourself to be happy too
The hardest, I swear, is to actually forgive and go through a crisis
I admire people who are forgiving, tolerant, understanding and caring

For this is not the easiest thing to do. No, truly, this is the hardest you can actually do. Does that make you weak? no.. Kindness has never been for the weak.

Sometimes tomorrow

Random thoughts of the evening:

Sometimes tomorrow is not a better day as well. and the day after isn't, and the day that follows isn't. Sometimes one can't just see further in the future because they simply don't have the strength to. But deep inside, there is this little bit of light.

One cannot see it at this moment, but this light is here. Sometimes it's only after one goes through the hardest moments of life and succeeds in doing better, feeling better, reaching their goal that one really sees the long road they come from.

Sometimes they can see hope and keep their spirits high all the way until they recover. there's not a defined path towards recovery.

Hope is there, it never really dies I guess. Hope isn't easy to find, let alone keep. but Hope is there. maybe we can't see it today and it's okay. we will see it someday soon.

I can only wish for you to keep it and for me to see it.

Or is it the other way round?

dots of hope

Sometimes you really wonder,
what kind of planet you're born into.
You're searching for your inner flame, the long lost passion
Or maybe for your halcyon days, the blissful moments
and you're lost oh so lost
And tired, oh so tired.

You really wonder what's worth in all of that,
Walking on burning sand or very sharp rocks
Everything looks so grey, looks so gloomy
and surely you stop caring about anything at all.
what's the worth of strutting around? where's the beauty in that?

It's a dance, life's a dance.
You can miss the first chance, but suddenly you'll get another one.
I couldn't dance on techno songs, but I'll wait for the R'N'B old school mix
And I'll dance the hell out of it, I'll dance it until my feet hurt
I'll be back into the dark but at least I'll have the memories
I'm living for these moments, small dots in the darkness
small stars in the black sky

little drops of Hope left for me to stare at.

The Walking dead: life after Z

(The Walking Dead) : Life after Z.

A/N: just trying out a new profile for Asma. This one is similar yet different from the others. She's human, of course, she has a dark past, she has her issues but she's not a bad person. She's a survivor and she is determined to stay alive, even if it means killing people. I retell the day she encountered those she calls Z. (for Zombies obviously) TWD belongs to its owners.

Three years later.

She parked her bike in the middle of the street and glanced back at her group of three partners who were riding an old Impala. The night would soon fall and they needed to find a shelter, right there, in the middle of the road. They didn't see Zs walking around in miles so there was little to no chance to have any during the night, but who knew? These things never rested, they didn't need to. They didn't need to stop by and drink or something. They were dead. Dead for good. Three years could change a man and she certainly did change. She developed quite a nice taut figure, with strong arms and abs, and strong legs. She became more efficient in hunting and fighting. Her hair was always neatly braided and turned into a high bun. While she still had her baseball bat, now stylized with barbwire, the former timid young woman had a pair of guns on each side of her torso, a smaller gun attached to her ankle, two knives attached on each side of her legs and a couple of grenades in her bag.

« I suggest we keep driving for another couple of miles, we're not far away from the nearest city. »

« And do some clean-up there Amelia? I'm sorry but I'm very sore. We all are. We've been fighting non-stop since we left Denver. We should stop here tonight, take turns to watch out for Zs, and then go back. »

Amelia Soto was the second woman in the group. She was Eurasian, with very short black hair, cut into pixie hair, deep green eyes, a tongue piercing, and a bunch of tattoos on her back. She was fond of guns and was always carrying around a sniper rifle, two uzis, and a couple of grenades as well She was quite older than Asma, almost 38 years old, but was well versed in mechanics and was the one tasked to start over cars and repair any machines they could encounter, which came in handy at times. She trusted Asma after the latter found her at the beginning of the Zs awakening and protected her until they found enough equipment and a car to run away.

« You're the boss. If you think we can stay here, then I'm good with it. » She replied to the pink-haired lady who leaned her chin at the back of her hand. Asma glanced at the tall lean man who left the car.

« What do you think Hamid? » She asked. He was wearing glasses and had short black hair and bronze skin. His eyes were brown and he was sporting a light goatee. Unlike the girls who had no problem using guns, he was more fond of blades and was sporting a French rapière. and a hunting knife he always kept on his back. He used to take fancy classes before the Zs awoke and spent most of his life leaving at home and providing internet services from there. He was a fine tactician and very often suggested Asma's ideas of how to handle some situations, especially when they had to cross a city and there were other groups of survivors. He was the second to join their group after Amelia saved him from a certain death. Both were sharing a special bond that was hard to define. They occasionally had sex, but both knew there was something more to their relationship than casual intercourse. Yet, with the Apocalypse falling upon you, they didn't quite know what to do with it.

« We can stay for the night. We would need to leave as soon as the sun rises though if we want to reach out to the other city, find a decent shelter, and clean the place. »

« Yeah... I knew I had a good idea. » Replied the pink-haired lady with a grin.

The second man to leave the car was Abel. He was a huge German man, with broad shoulders and a face that could make Captain America jealous. He truly was handsome but was barely aware of it. He was developing growing feelings for Asma who didn't seem to be aware of them and therefore didn't have the chance to return or reject them. Soft-spoken, sweet, and always willing to help, he was the perfect guy for all the heavy work. He used to work at a « moving » company and could lift a lot of heavy furniture a day. He also was fond of guns and used very heavy ones. He owned two Smith and Wesson and a magnum 357 but usually only used it when it became very hot and dangerous for the crew. And usually, on humans, for he couldn't waste the bullets on mere creatures. He was among the first to witness the appearance of the Zs and survived long enough in his zoo (hunting and eating the animals trapped there until there was nothing left. He then met the group when they were trying to hunt in the zoo and joined them so he wouldn't be alone.) Asma smiled at him as he was starting to unpack their tents and help Amelia and Hamid prepare theirs as well as preparing his and Asma's.

« I don't know though. We'd be very vulnerable to any humans trying to cross by. I don't really trust this road. » Complained the last man on board. He was shorter than the statuesque Abel but still taller than little Asma, the shortest of the group. He was lean but muscular, as only a Tae Kwon Do Blackbelt could be. He was a handsome Korean named Jae Do San and actually a martial artist and teacher who found himself kicking his way out of the Zs when they awoke. He ran into a group who was simply driving through his city and offered his help in exchange for whatever good they could give him. He still carried around a small Beretta and a knife but was more efficient with his powerful legs.

« We'll do with what we have for the night. If you can't sleep, you can still watch after us. » teased Amelia before Asma stood up and helped Abel finish her tent.

They quickly settle down and started a fire to grill their meat and get a little bit of heat in the colder temperatures they have to deal with. For a moment there was a soothing silence. The kind that forces people to remember a moment in their life and maybe start a philosophical conversation about the meaning of it all. Asma was lost in her thoughts, she remembered that after she grabbed Amelia, they both went back to her house for supplies and the realization that her parents actually didn't survive the Zpocalypse traumatized the young woman. Once again she lost everything but in her misery she found something. A new hope. A new family. They have been loyal for three years, doing anything they could to protect each other and the young woman knew that she wouldn't bear losing one of them. She was dependent on them, emotionally speaking, going as far as sleeping with each of them, in an attempt to recreate some « family » bond. The void inside of her grew wider and became heavier as time went by and she was more than ever in need again.

Nobody realized and Amelia might have had some hints but they never spoke of it. They barely spoke of their pasts, if it wasn't related to their job. How funny and tragic it is that when Apocalypse finally happens, the only thing people want to know about you is what you can do. Asma played with her bat, swinging it in her hand before she munched on her meat.

« I remember... I miss chocolate cakes. » She finally said to the startled audience who looked at each other before Abel, Hamid, and Jae started to laugh and Amelia chuckled. « What? It's not funny! I really do miss a big good chocolate cake! Mom used to bake me one, whenever I came to her with a broken heart..she always told me, «  A good chocolate cake can mend the most broken heart. » »

« And is your heart broken? » Asked Hamid, curious and bemused by her words. She shook her head and shrugged.

« I miss the taste. My heart can't be broken.. it had already been a long while ago you know. » She said while taking another bite of meat.

« What do you mean? » Asked Amelia with a curious look on her face. Asma tilted her head to the side and shrugged.

« My mom was a crackhead. She abandoned me when I was five because she couldn't afford to feed me... I learned what starving truly means. » She trailed off and took one last bite of her meat, leaving only the bones she kept munching on. They all looked at each other in utter shock and then looked at Asma who was still eating. « There's no need to feel sorry guys. Just eat, don't waste it's all I'm asking for. »

« How could we remain calm? Your mom really did.. wait, so the woman we saw when we went to your house ? » started the Eurasian, but Asma shook her head.

« My mom.. foster mom if you prefer, but to me, she's my mom. She's the first person to ever give me love... her and Dad. It's just..... it's not very pleasant to remember the life before I met the Jensens... » She furrowed her brows and grabbed her baseball bat. « But all I need to remember is to swing this bat. I'm pretty good at it ain't I? »

« Yeah! I was wondering if you were a professional or something! » Jae wanted to switch the topic, it was becoming too heavy for all of them and thankfully, she switched and flashed a large grin on her lips.

« Nope! But Dad showed me how to do it. I used to paint before the Zs awoke. I was about to exhibit for the first time, I was just paid a large amount of money. It's no use today.. money... how weird and ironic. I was struggling to find money, to become someone and now.. it doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter at all. I live the life I used to live before, except it's more dangerous.. even more than when I was on the streets. » She sighed and looked up. « But I believe we can make it all. Alive and well. We can build a new life out there... we just need to go to... Washington. I heard they were working on a cure. »

« Washington? It's still quite a lot of road but.. we can make it. »

« Do you believe in this ? » asked a suspicious Abel. « I'm not sure there is a cure. I believe it's what God sent us, a punishment of some sort. »

« A punishment? If you were so confident in what you were saying, then why are you here with us? Why do you try to survive ? » said Hamid in a mocking tone. « It's not punishment. it's a test. »

« I disagree. » started Abel

« A test ? » cut short Amelia. « Are you fucking serious? A test? It's not a test! It's our fault! We, human beings. I'm sure it's one of the government experiments gone wrong! »

« I disagree! It's not a test and it's not our fault! I believe it's God's way to have us repent for our sins. I am with you because I want to repent. »

« You? Repent ? » asked Asma with a couple of blinks. « What do you have to repent for? You are nothing but sweetness. »

« I wasn't always sweet. » He simply trailed off, before they heard a noise. It wasn't walkers because they would have heard them arrive miles away, no, it was swift. It could either be an animal or a man. Asma grabbed her bat and clenched it.

(the walking dead) Life before Z (intro)

(The Walking Dead ) : Life Before Z.

A/N: just trying out a new profile for Asma. This one is similar yet different from the others. She's human, of course, she has a dark past, she has her issues but she's not a bad person. She's a survivor and she is determined to stay alive, even if it means killing people. I retell the day she encountered those she calls Z. (for Zombies obviously) TWD belongs to its owners.  

////////

It was a rainy day, she remembered it perfectly. A rainy day, probably a Tuesday. She was sleeping in her bed, wearing only flannel pants and a white tank top when she heard a hard knock on the front door. Opening one eye, she glanced at the watch by her bedside and groaned loudly as it was only 3 in the morning. Unwilling to stand up and open the door, she put her pillow against her face and tried to ignore the knocks but they became more and more violent, thus forcing her to stand up and walk towards the front door. As she opened it, she didn't even have the time to blink because it opened violently, hitting her in the process and forcing her to take a couple of steps back. As she stroked her cheek, the young woman looked up at the intruder, Sam.

He was the young woman on and off boyfriend. He was a large and towering Irish-American banker with red/orange hair, deep blue eyes, and an obsession with bodybuilding. She furrowed her brows and closed the door behind him as he paced towards the living room. They were in the middle of their break-up and she really didn't want to see his face in her house but since he forced himself in, she decided to roll with it. Sam was not a bad guy, but he definitely was an asshole. Her parents told her to leave the guy because both were co-dependent on each other, hurting the other and yet being in dire need of their presence. She could have severed their linking and ended their relationship but he was temporarily filling the void she had inside. He'd suffered from abandoning himself for his father dumped his family to build a new one somewhere else in the States and both were feeding off the affection they gave each other but it wasn't Love. It was brutal, it was possessive. His strong dominant personality attracted her, she needed to feel roughed up, needed.. oh yes, needed. She needed it and he was giving it to her like a drug. But it wasn't healthy because none of them actually was in love with the other and neither of them could fix the other and yet they believed they could.

« What are you doing around so late? » She groaned while scratching the top of her head. He patted his lap and invited her to sit on it but she shook her head. « No. We're on a break remember? I don't want to see your face, or your dick for a while. » She crossed her arms over her ample chest, furrowing her brows as he kept patting his lap.

« Then grab me a beer. » 

« You haven't answered. Why are you here, fool? »

« You didn't hear the news? People are getting crazy and loot and fight. Police are killing people.. people. We don't know what's going on. I need a beer. »

« Why did you come here? Don't you have your fuckbuddies you could have gone to? » She complained while she went to the kitchen.

She furrowed her brows as she grabbed the bottle and put it on the counter. What was she doing? What was she doing in there, with him? It wasn't the first time he casually came to her place, in spite of her protests, and got away with it. He'd drink, eat, fuck her until he got enough of it and would leave early in the morning for his job. She didn't deserve this, she didn't deserve this lack of respect. Marie was a very nice woman. She was kind and loving; everyone said she was very soft-spoken and that children adored her. Nobody believed she was resilient or even strong. Nobody believed she could teach a lesson or two to men like Sam. She was fragile, yes, but she wasn't made of glass. If anything she was strong and determined to survive. Ever since she was a child, the pink-haired painter was a survivor. Her biological mother, a crack addict, abandoned her when she was 5 because she couldn't support a third child she survived two weeks of starvation, eating from trash cans whenever she could and her luck prevented her from being abused like any child her age would have undergone if it was in her shoes. So why ?.. why couldn't she ditch Sam?

She felt strong brutal hands grab her waist, beneath her shirt, and run up until they reached below her breasts. She gasped and tried to turn around but he leaned into her, forcing her to bend forward over the counter.

« Fuck you! Get off me! I'm not in the mood! »

« C'mon! I know you want me! You've always wanted this dick before, why would you refuse now? »

« I don't want it, Sam. I was fucking sleeping before you crashed at my door! Get OFF ME! » She yelled at him, but he was heavily intoxicated already and she realized that if she didn't do anything, he wouldn't stop at all. Sam was this stubborn. She hated when they fucked while he was in such a state, because he didn't know how to stop, or he refused to do it until he reached his own climax. It always left her bruised and sore but this time, it was different and she could tell by the way he was breathing and the force he used to pin her against the counter. Her breathing quickened and she became as stiff as wood as she was already searching for a way to escape. Her chestnut eyes locked onto the bottle of beer she had in her hand and she quickly smashed it against his face, eliciting a groan from him and giving her enough room to escape from his embrace.

« COME BACK HERE! » He growled but she didn't listen and kept running, but he was faster than her and grabbed her ankle, making her stumble but not fall. She had to straighten again but he slapped her face, hard enough to make her bleed from her mouth and cause her to fall onto the ground. She rolled on her side and crawled to the bedroom where her baseball bat was stored. He started to unbuckle his pants and chuckle darkly. « Ahaha.. you decided to play it rough tonight uh Asma? » She winced, her cheek still burning from the slap he gave her and still crawling towards her bed. « You can't escape from me, babe. I told you, nobody ever says no to Sam. You cut me with that bottle, you're gonna pay! » He dropped his pants, down to his thighs, she could hear it and hastily looked for her baseball bat. Her body was shivering, mostly because of the aftermath of his blow and because she was scared of not finding the bat in time and going through another shitstorm again with him. « Be nice to me Asma. Be nice and I might be gentler. » He sneered while grabbing a fist of her hair and yanking it back, causing pain and her to groan with it but she could grab the bat in time and once she was sure she would not let go of it, the young woman turned around and started to beat him with it.

Smash! Smash! SMASH! SMASH !!  She hit him over and over again. Her blows became stronger and her technique better as she remembered what her father taught her when she was younger. He knew she was a soft soul and he needed her to be able to defend herself if attacked. When she was dating Sam, it felt as if she had forgotten all of her father's teachings until now. Now, the pink-haired lady was just made of rage and was beating him with all the repressed anger and disgust she felt when she looked at him. He started to plead with her to stop because his face was bleeding profusely and bits of his skull were flying over but she didn't stop, she kept hitting, giving back all the pain he gave her when he was hurting her while she didn't ask for it, for the way he disrespected her, for the way he used her but most importantly for having tried to do something she could never forgive. Or maybe it was something else, as she beat him to death, she felt a guilty pleasure overwhelm her, taking control of her very being and leaving her in a very confused state of mind. He'd stopped moving and she started to laugh maniacally before breaking down into an ugly cry. She fell onto her knees and then sat on her heels and stared at the messy horror she'd just made. His lifeless body was lying on the floor and bits of brain and skull were on her bat.

Without thinking twice, she stood up, grabbed a bag threw in the essentials, enough to survive for at least 10 days, and ran outside. Forgot her umbrella but didn't mind the heavy rain that was falling upon her, as if it was cleansing her from the crime she'd just committed. Her panicked mind was still confused between having her laugh or cry so she did both and was holding her head as if it could help her find a solution to the situation. It only was when she was a lot closer to the city center that she noticed something was wrong. People were agitated, they were screaming and looting. She furrowed her brows and decided to seek shelter at a church. She found one that was still inhabited by nuns and hit on their doors, calling them out so one of them could open the door but she heard no noise. Worried and starting to become cold due to the rain, she tried to open the door. Instead of being locked, she could easily break in, which alarmed the young woman who took out her bat and held it firmly in her hands. The church was hushed, a little too much since there were candles lit and it stunk. As she wrinkled her nose, the young woman twirled her wrist and started to speak loud enough to be heard. « Is there someone? Hey? Are there any nuns here? I came here for the night. » But no answer.. just the dark silence.

Asma was starting to breathe more nervously, she didn't want to scare the nuns, let alone be denied shelter but then suddenly she heard a sound. It wasn't human, it was weird. So she said out loud again. « If there's a child here, it's not funny! You can't scare people like that! » She was still exploring the church, walking carefully as if someone could surprise or attack her. Finally, at a corner, she saw what seemed to be a group of nuns busy doing something she couldn't see. They were crouching on top of what seemed to be someone, maybe they were trying to help that person? Well, if they were why there was a munching sound? Her pulse was quickening and the pink-haired beauty started to believe that something was very off and her guts never lied to her. She furrowed her brows and stepped closer « Hi! I'm sorry I don't want to .. WHOAAAAAAA! » They all turned at her with faces eaten by death itself! Asma couldn't believe her eyes. She screamed and started to run, they were following her, quite fast but not enough to catch her.

Panic was starting to take its toll on her, how was she supposed to fight that? Was she hallucinating? Was it God telling her that she shouldn't have been killed earlier? She was terrified and lost track of coherent thoughts; She'd just killed a man and now what looked like zombie nuns were running after her. She could glance back and see the mutilated corpse lying there and realize that they actually were eating the poor thing. Quick! Puke it all! Puke! Her insides were growling and her belly was hurting. She had a bad taste in her mouth and already an urge to puke but was trying to contain herself. Flashes of her previous crime were filling her head and she didn't know what she could do. These creatures were coming closer and sooner or later, they might kill her. She wanted to cry and started to sob, thinking #this is it. I'm going to die there !#

People were still burning the city and looting outside and if she quickly didn't secure the church, she might fall into the worst of mankind very soon. She tightened her grip on her bat and took a deep breath. Panic slowly started to fade away as something else grew stronger inside of her: she needed to survive, whether or not people died on her way. She would also come to her parents, to make sure they were alive, but knowing her father, he would have found a way out to secure her mother. So she really just should get away as fast as possible. As far away as possible from the madness. Determined again, she finally let the herd of nuns come closer and when she swung her bat and crashed it in the face of one of them, literally bursting it into a pulp, she didn't realize that she actually made a step forward in her survival quest.

Welcome to the new world Asma. Stay alive as long as possible. 

asma concept clothes 3

dress 17: her original outfit (with an altered haircut). She is wearing a simple purple underboob top with a similar (low cut), white thigh-length boots, black wristbands and white armbands with golden borders.  it is the very first outfit I created Asma (who was named Alexandra) in :) she later upgraded but I would love to have an episode/plot where she would have to don the old costume.

dress 18: this is a dress inspired by her golden emblem. i'ts a golden dress actually (with slight bits of orange hues in it) a lighter shade on the sides of the dress and a darker shade inside. it's supposed to evoque the shape of her sun with four rays.  and her gloves are white laced :) 

dress 19:  a hip variant of her current costume. she'd wear it with a long long braid and it is a combinaison (a short short one) no sash but she could use it to tie her hair? biker gloves as well (white ones) and white boots.

dress 20: her red dress. this dress is very simple and yet kinda sexy. it's a red skintight dress that covers her front but exposes her back. she wears greek inspired shoes (red as well) and wears her hair short most of the time. on the back of the dress there is a chain and her emblem as a pendant.  Steve is crazy about this dress :)