Pride and Asma : Ayasha the « One who always know »

A/N: So still laying the ground for our baby <3 This time we spend a little bit of time with the primeval gods. Elpis decision to remain with Pride destroyed everything. Would we know why the primeval gods hate the SIN so much? Stay tuned! (lmao or don't:p this scene just needed to be written because it didn't leave my mind for two straight days! Now it's done!) Pride belongs to my friend Nate and Asma/Elpis belong to me

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« You didn't give me a choice Elpis. It had to be done » Lamented Ayasha.

She was the elder goddess of Knowledge when her pantheon was still thriving. She used to know everything or at least she always was one of the first to know. Yet, when it was revealed to the All-Father that her dear sister Elpis was involved with one of their sworn enemies, it was a complete shock for the goddess. How come she didn't know? How come Elpis was able to spend time on Earth without Ayasha noticing? They all blamed the goddess for her lack of foreseeing and came to her with an ultimatum. Either she convinced her sister to give up on this foolish love, either she was cast away and stripped from her goddess title. Panicked, the golden-skinned deity ran towards Ishtar, her brother and the god of War who fomented a plan to coerce Elpis into giving up her love for the Sin. They tried the soft way, conversations, and attempts at guilt-tripping Elpis into giving up on Pride. However, love was too overwhelming and too powerful to be subdued by threats.

Ayasha noticed that her magic fountain of truth, which allowed her to observe the universe, couldn't locate Elpis for short periods on time when she was on Earth and realized that it only happened when she saw her lover. It explained to her why she couldn't know about Elpis romance with the SIN and why it was even more dangerous to leave her sister alone with that monster. SINS were and had always been sworn enemies of Primeval gods because they had the power to destroy them. All the gods from different pantheons heard of the SINS when they decided to overthrow the gods in Olympus. From the moment Olympus fell, their names were all over the primeval gods' lips. It only took one of them to destroy entire pantheons and it wasn't even Pride.

As soon as Olympus fell and the Egyptian Pantheon followed, it became clear that the others would follow. Little by little Hades spread his power and destroyed the competition, ensuring that he was the only god of Death still alive and worshipped universally. Primeval gods were considered the very first deities to have existed. They existed before Earth itself was born and Gaea gave birth to several of these gods alongside to humanity. Essentially, they were the most powerful gods that there could be. Primeval goddess of Life was the strongest there was but also the most vital entity of the universe and Earth, so Hades decided not to touch her unless she opposed him, which she didn't do. Other gods, however, wanted to stop Hade's rampage and foolishness as soon as possible which led to the imperative need to destroy his « children », the SINS.  The whole pantheon perceived them as soulless monsters, but Elpis didn't. She did worse than having a different opinion, she betrayed her own pantheon. She fell in love!

« Where are you little mortal? Where are you so I can kill you? » Ayasha growled.

She hit the edge of the fountain of Truth out of frustration from not being able to locate the avatar of her sister. It was crucial for the elder gods to find and put Elpis back into a cycle of reincarnation so the SINS would not come after them. It would at least be the least of their problems if Pride remained oblivious of what they did to him and didn't seek revenge. Ayasha didn't have a choice but to tell Ishtar their brother and the god of War what happened. She wanted him to find a solution, maybe rough up Elpis a little so she would give up on being with that filthy creature but even he failed to convince their sister. She was Hope after all, how could she be reasoned with?? How could she see Pride for the monster and abomination he truly was? How could she? They failed and this failure prompted Ishtar to resort to the worst. He wouldn't kill her because he couldn't bring himself to, but she would be punished. So he grabbed the dagger of Fate and stabbed Elpis in her heart, not deep enough to kill her instantaneously, but enough to condemn her to a never-ending cycle. The gesture in itself divided the pantheon and without Hope by their sides, a war quickly started.

Most of the primeval gods were destroyed. Gaea exiled herself and usually was left out of the conflict by her children and siblings. Ishtar was attacked by many who thought that he shouldn't have cursed his own sister but should have instead tried to take on the SIN itself. Others thought that Ishtar destroyed their only chance to survive the wrath of the SINS and viewed a union between Pride and Elpis as their salvation. Others sided with Ishtar and thought that he was too nice on Elpis and should have killed her. One argument led to the other and they ended up in a war that nobody wanted in the first place. Many died, others were locked in prisons, the All-Father was killed and forced Ishtar to take over as the new King and Ayasha were assigned the surveillance of her sister's soul. It made the goddess shiver because she failed twice. She didn't know Elpis would be strong enough to breach the seal and make herself known to the SIN. She didn't know Pride would find her and now she was unable to locate them unless they remained for too long in the same place.

The Dagger of Fate was hidden in the ruins of the ancient Egyptian pantheon, which became a place nobody ever set a foot at. It was protected with elder magic which made it even harder to penetrate unless you were an elder. Ishtar thought that by leaving the only weapon capable of hurting an elder god out of reach, he would save himself some trouble. After all, aside from the weapon, the elder gods themselves or the SINS, it was difficult to end a primeval god but he didn't take second chances and made sure the dagger wouldn't be a problem. His only concern, now that the war of the elders was almost done, was to make sure Elpis wouldn't wake up and the SINS wouldn't come after them.

Ayasha, still frustrated felt a few tears roll down her cheeks and as she wiped them off of her face with the back of her hand, the elder goddess turned to her brother who was still in the shadow. His white hues stared at her golden form and he cleared his throat.

« You still can't see her? »

« She is the SIN. Whenever they are together I can't see her. I can only count on him being busy in the underworld so I could have more chance to see her. Eventually, she would need to go out to buy supplies or do anything her human heart would desire. When it's done, when she's vulnerable again I would kill her. » Ayasha said with a grin before she turned around and faced her brother.

« Ayasha... I have been a bit harsh on you last time we spoke. » He began with, but she shook her head.

« I made a mistake, I wasn't paying enough attention. She made herself known and he found her in a heartbeat. I have to make sure he becomes oblivious again. » She said hugging the loincloth that covered her crotch. « Do you think we've made the right decision? »

« You dare ask that question again? » His voice turned into thunder, prompting the goddess to slightly bow in front of him to calm his nerves.

« I didn't mean to... I just.. I just miss my sister Ishtar... I miss her and I wonder if she's suffering, if she remembers us, if she would come back to us or if she's lost forever. » Her voice broke as she spoke. Indeed she missed Elpis and she's witnessed what a lack of Hope could induce in both the elder realm and the human realm. « I need her back. »

«...... » Ishtar pondered her words and then looked at his sister, his white hues glowing less. « I do miss her too. I am still angry at what she did and the fact she put us all in jeopardy with her romance. She had it coming, she refused to listen to reason. There is nothing good that could come from the SINS and she desecrated herself by falling in love and doing Gaea-knows-what with that filthy creature. »

« Ishtar! She was in love with him. He seemingly treated her well. How dare you talk about her in such terms? She fell in love with the wrong person, that was all. It's HIM we have to blame! It's HIM who took her away from us! »

« Of course it's him! » Ishtar's raspy voice boomed into the destroyed room. « I might be angry at Elpis, I still want to destroy the SINS, starting with him. He has to be destroyed! I will give you another assignment. » Ayasha nodded quickly, afraid of her brother's growing anger due to his hatred towards the SIN. « Find a way to destroy this abomination. All of us can be destroyed, even the SINS. We need to destroy him for good and once it's done, we can uncurse our sister. »

« Are you serious? We're just about to win our own war, why don't we recover f-- »

« DID I STUTTER AYASHA? » He shouted, making his sister shake and nod quickly.

« I will do as you request All-Father. »

Filled with remorse, she watched as her brother vanished and turned her body once again to face the fountain of Truth. She hit it again with her fists and screamed loudly, making the walls and floor shake as she unleashed her own frustration and anger. She would find a way to destroy the SIN, she would make sure Pride die and would make sure he suffers as much as she did from not seeing her sister. He took her away from them, he started that war of the elders because of extreme measures she had to take. He ruined her life and she wanted to make him pay. Furiously, she kept looking around the world for tracks to follow all the while summoning her minions.

« You called mistress? » -said one of them-

« Yes. I want you to go to the Underworld and spy on the SINS. I want to find their weak spots, I need to know how to destroy this vermin. » One of her minions swallowed a lump, clearly afraid.

« We.. we would be killed if we go there. They.. they won't leave us alone, mistress, we can't go to the Underworld. »

« Find a way! Otherwise, you would know why I am the most dangerous of the elder gods. I know everything, including how to torture you to the point you would wish you were dead instead. » She threatened as they disappeared. Ayasha was indeed dangerous, even more than Ishtar because she did know everything. The fiasco with Elpis was a cruel reminder that she needed to step up her game and be merciless if she wanted to achieve her goals. In a decaying pantheon and with the threat of being irrelevant and worse, dead, Ayasha needed to find the solution to the « SINS problem » and fast if she wanted a chance to survive.

(TBC)

Pride and Asma: Christmas banter

She insisted on celebrating Christmas. He didn't care much about the human holiday but he didn't want her to keep being snappy and upset. She was at her worst when she was upset. If it wasn't her constant need to fill the silence with her endless stream of questions and remarks, it was her sobbing in the confines of her bedroom or being irritatingly silent for days. The human didn't know how to balance herself but could he really blame her?

Her life turned for the worst the moment the entrapped deity within her broke her seal. Suddenly everyone became a threat to her life and if they weren't careful, she could die. Besides, she, a simple human being, was dealing with concepts and entities that went far beyond her comprehension and Pride was no exception. Celebrating Christmas now, was her last attempt at normalcy and her last attempt at trying to find peace in all this chaos. He refused at first but the more she insisted, the less he went against her wishes.

When Pride did something, he committed to it until it was the best version that could possibly be. Call it a flaw of character or a quirk, but the entity went overboard. He decorated the house, made it look as if it was home and witnessed the change in the painter's face. It lit up, much to his relief. She ran to the kitchen, started to cook something that he didn't care about because he didn't need to eat to sustain himself. He watched her walk back and forth from her bedroom to the kitchen and decided to wait and drink bourbon. She was energized beyond his understanding and most of her efforts were made in order to impress him. She foolishly wanted him to "feel" Christmas and understand how important it was for her but he couldn't. He simply couldn't because he wasn't human, to begin with.

Surely, once she was done with the meals, she went upstairs one last time to change into a sexy red dress that made her look almost divine. Sure, she couldn't come close to his Elpis in regards of her beauty since the other was a goddess, but she was as close as a mortal could be and he appreciated it. She, on the other hand, felt it was a dream came true. A princess Christmas as she finally was able to celebrate it with someone instead of at home with her dog. She was able to be on her A game with the only fancy dress she could grab when they packed the first time. She wanted to throw pixie dust in his eyes and seduce the Sin.

Was he influencing her? probably, he was Pride after all. Did she feel any regret for trying to seduce a creature that wasn't even hers, to begin with? she did, but her remorse was blown away by his sight. She was puny and mortal and their adventures might end up with her death so why would she shy away from what her heart desired? The meal started well, it was polite and decent until Asma tried to "open his eyes and heart". Being human, a scared one at that, made Asma unable to take her distance with the situation. She wanted to force her human beliefs and views and feelings on a creature that couldn't think or feel like a human. Concepts such as love and compassion and selflessness were lost on him but it was frustrating the painter who really wanted to force her mind on him.

Was it him influencing her or her true nature? Maybe both. Frustrated and upset, Asma immediately went Diva on him. Yes, she was in love with him, yes she was scared of him and of what future held in store for them. Yes she wanted him to see her, love her the way she did and yes she didn't understand what he truly was. And they began to argue and the dinner was ruined just like that, with a snap of fingers. He tried to reason her. Yes, Pride tried to reason the human of the foolishness of her feelings for him. He tried to warn her that the more she would give, the more he would take. but Asma didn't listen. She was stubborn, maybe more than Pride himself was.

"I'll give everything to you then. I won't need you to give back to me. I just want to give you my love." She selfishly said to him. Because it was a feeling she couldn't contain within herself anymore. it was grandiose, like a typhoon. It was brutal and impossible to control. her love was devastating her and devastating him in the process.

"You don't know what you're getting yourself into." He tried to warn her.

Because she would give and give and give and he would take until there was nothing left of her. She knew, deep inside, that it would end badly for her but she decided to write the narrative at her convenience. It wouldn't be him taking from her, it would be her giving everything to him. It would be her choice, it would be her way to go. She already knew he would leave her once Elpis would be free. She already knew it was a battle she lost even before it began. She already knew that her frail form couldn't handle his true form because he was glorious and lethal at the same time; She knew all of that, but she fell in love with the sweet and kind sides he showed towards her. She fell in love with the Hope he induced in her heart and the thrills of the life they were living together. She fell in love with him because, in the midst of fire and death that surrounded her, she felt alive for the first time.

"I don't care." She replied with hand on his cheek as she pressed her lips against his. Come what may, she would sail this ship.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS 2016

Art by my good friend Lelia:) it's a tradition for her, she calls it Santa Thong, and since she started it, I liked it so much I decided to do spread the love using exclusively images from her series.

Of course, I would begin with wishing all of you happy holidays. Those include anything and everything you would celebrate from now up until the 1^st of January.

2016 was such a strange year for me, both fulfilling in some ways and distressing in others. As I reflect upon the days spent, I realize that maybe this year is the one I « felt » alive the most. Truth be told, I sometimes wish I didn't feel as much and as intensely as I do because I always end up being an emotional trainwreck. It has its perks though and I believe that without those perks, I wouldn't have known how to finish this year. It's in itself, a miracle that I am still standing and still going. It is. Those of you who know, know what I am talking about and I am very grateful for having you in my life. That's it, this year (like the other years ahah ) I'll be talking about my gratitude for having such a beautiful support in my life.

Losing Magz to suicide this year had me reflect on my very own journey with the demons we share/d together. « Thanatos » (as I call it), Anxiety, Depression. It made me think of the decisions I made, the commitment to these, the fact I became more open about talking about these, especially to close friends (my support system really, along with my sisters <3) was the best decision I have ever made. I do /not/ feel ashamed anymore, although it still is something I would not talk about /that / much. And if I don't, I really owe it to my rolemodels who are survivors just like me and keep on fighting and living their lives as they should be. Seeing them being so open about their own lives truly inspired me and keep on fueling my own strength when I'm lacking of it. Thank you beautiful people for speaking up for/to me at a time I was hiding everything to myself. Thank you for guiding me through realizing I needed the right kind of help. Thank you for making me feel normal and loved and proud. Thank /you/. Can you believe, I am even able to articulate my emotions and express them when needed and although it's not happening 100%, it's still a major step forward from where I used to be before. I can't thank enough my other lovelies, for having been the loving shoulders, the warm hands and the soothing souls they've been with me. I can't thank you enough for your support and love, especially those who walk me through my episodes, those who witness my meltdowns and those who singlehandedly silenced my demons and believed in me.

Speaking of those who believe in me, I gotta say, creatively this year was a big bang of some sort ! Here I am finally writing that book, sharing a bit more of my writings and writing process and sketching here and there whenever I can. You're the reason I didn't stop, every encouraging words, inboxes, pm, texts.. every request, every compliment and praise are fueling my motivation. You know how fleeting it is, especially in my condition and yet this year I kept on pushing myself. It was not just because I was able to find the motivation, but when I lost it, you were there <3 I got to meet several people I hold very dear in my heart and strengthened my relationship with my friends in the biz. We don't know what tomorow holds for us but I am very sure, next year I would not let those efforts and trust be in vain. I really appreciate your curiousity and concern and presence in my life. Thank you my creative people for being who you are and for bringing the best out of me regarding my art.

Speaking of bringing the best. 2016 was a dreadful year, one has to admit. It was tougher for me because, like most of the time, I found myself in distress in the face of the world. I'm probably scarred due to past trauma, violent human beings who poisoned my life for years but since I was a child, I never thought people were inherently good. I believe(d) we have to work very hard to be a good person and yes we do. We do because it's so very easy to slip into the darkest corners of our souls. So this year more than other years seemed like people gave up or maybe gave into their darkest instincts. I am fortunate really, to have very optimistic people who were able to restore Hope into my heart and helped me pull myself together through their inspiring words. I saw people acting humane, showing compassion, defending those in need. I saw people who didn't close their hearts and minds. I saw people who were aware of our History as human beings and don't want the bad events to repeat again. I saw people wanting an actual change and a real joint work to help the world be a better place. I saw all of that in the last 4 months of this year and it sincerely helped me smoothly start again. So yes, I consider myself lucky to have these wonderful people in my life who do their best at their own scale to be decent human beings and who keep me motivated to actually wake up (literally speaking) every day and trust again. I am really trying to do the very same, around me, as much as possible ! Thank you for being this inspiring.

Finally 2016 was definitely a year of love. Why finish with love ? Because it all starts with love. I keep saying everyday that I am left speechless at how unalduterated and genuine and powerful the love I receive is. Not just from my old pals, but also the new ones. It just is ! It clicks really well and I couldn't have been happier for this ! Your love means everything for me. It's healing me, it's fueling me with strength and power and I really wish I do give it back to you. Look at you now, most of you are married (for those who are), engaged (for those who are) and/or successful in their job, at a happier place this year than the last, have kids (for those who do), have fulfilled their dreams, are in great healthy relationships and of course, have dreams for the year to come, plans, aspirations and of course new steps ahead of them. I wish you to have everything you desire my dears, everything your hearts ever want. I love you when you are happy and would always want you to be, because you're deserving, you know that ? You're deserving so much good in your life. I know you're working hard to get there and I sincerely hope you will all live the lives you want to.

As of me ? If anything, 2016 taught me I actually didn't have a blackened heart and am still very capable of loving with every fiber of my body;) My friend Louise keep talking about helping me find my Wolverine Ahaha (You don't need to Lou) but it's a touuuugh job though, but it's not impossible anymore since I think I can safely admit I wouldn't mind trying.

TO 2017 ! May it bring you all you ever wanted. May it be a safe year for you and of course, may it be the year I actually meet my Wolverine (I'm joking ! I'm joking ! But really, may it be a good year ! I'm hoping it would be for all of us)

I love you

HAPPY HOLIDAYS <3 <3  

Pride x Asma : Homewrecker

A/N: I guess they really don't want me to keep my Pride with me :'( I am so upset about losing him over and over again. But he's my muse and I decided to keep writing our stories until the deletion spree stops for a while. My babies though <3 I love them! 

Things got complicated real quick, didn't they? Asma's POV.

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I couldn't think straight that evening. How long has it been since we went on a run Pride and I ? several weeks, maybe months? I lost count. All I knew was that we've been very careful so the entity's siblings couldn't find her.. me. I mean me. My life was turned upside down the minute I met Pride you know? Before he came into my life, I simply was a known artist, a painter. I kept sketching and painting the world around me, nature at its best, architecture and from time to time portraits. I was very shy and cautious of the world because the world had never been kind to me. I never met good people who would never try to take advantage of me and the ones who were good with me didn't stay around because life happened. Some started a family and moved away from me, or I started to get some recognition and I moved away from them. It never really was willing from both parts but that was my life. I suppose, now that I know the deity of Hope was inhabiting me that maybe it wasn't just life. It might have been on purpose? I don't know. I'd never know.

So, yes. I am a vessel. Officially that is. I started to paint what I perceived as dreams more frequently. It was always the same guy but at different moments of his life. He was always happy and at peace next to me as if. I was the one making him feel that way. I thought it was just a dream you know but turns out, these were memories from the entity living inside of me. Talk about a surprise when the guy showed up in my usual coffee shop and talked to me. Talk about my surprise when he told me that I was hunted down by the entity's siblings and I should quickly move if I wanted to live. I couldn't believe and yet it happened in front of my eyes. Death, destruction and him being larger than life, handsome and scary at the same time. My wife switched from boring to worse in a snap of a finger and I became his unwilling guest... or like I phrased it, his « prisoner ». I couldn't believe a creature like him, a SIN, an actual seven sin, could express something else than nefarious and dangerous thoughts and feelings. I refused to believe he was in love with Elpis, the primeval goddess of Hope and light that was inside of me. I just couldn't. He scared me to the bones and I couldn't even understand how the « man » in front of me could have been the one I kept on painting. But he was.

I had romances, two to be precise but they were enough to make me an adult in the flesh department and in my heart. They were good guys, kind and sweet but it didn't work out because we didn't match. Bummer ! I hated breaking up with them but it was so liberating afterward. I was free again, I could paint again, I could be myself. Why am I telling you all of this? Well, turns out things took a very very bad turn for me. I fell in love with him. Plain and simple. I fell in love with a sin, me, a mortal! Since we were running away from her siblings, I spent a lot of time with him and I got the chance to know him better. I also benefited from the flashbacks of Elpis to remind me that he had layers and wasn't just one-dimensional. He truly loved her. I realized he really did. It took millennia for him to find her. He spent millennia with his memories of her and them together wiped out from the minute she was cursed into a never-ending cycle of reincarnation in the human realm. He was stolen these millennia with her, he was stolen his everything. It moved me, what can I say? I never saw such dedicated love in my life. His eyes softened every time he talked about her, and I even surprised him smile when he was lost in his thoughts and memories of her. I only could assume they were about her given how warm he suddenly became.

I started to sketch him a lot more, not just memories of the SIN but actual thoughts and feelings from me. I sketched all the moments he made me feel afraid. Afraid he might be so angry at what I said that he would snap at me. He couldn't kill me for the sake of his beloved but his anger wasn't pretty at all. But we got along, after a while, we started to know each other and he was softer with me, tolerated me even better. I started to see a different side of him and open up to him. So my sketches changed, they became warmer as time went by until that very day I drew him in such a beautiful and warm fashion, with a heart as a background and the most details I've ever put on a sketch...I was in love with him and envious of his love for the goddess. That was when things started spiraling.

With the luck I have, I had to fall in love with a man who already had a beloved. A man who was determined to set her free, a man who saw me as just a meatsuit. He couldn't see me otherwise, I was just human. I couldn't handle him, I couldn't even see him in his true glory without being killed because it was too much power for this frail body. I tried to fight it as soon as I realized. I felt disgusted because the deity entrapped within me was far more perfect and deserving than I could ever be. She braved everything to be with him, decided to stand by him because she believed in him and trusted their relationship. She was willing to sacrifice everything just to be with him and she brought him a new purpose, a new way of thinking about himself. She gave him a new life, breathed something new into him and managed to find him millennia later. I could feel her fighting spirit and some of her emotions and I knew she was eager to hold him in her arms, to kiss him and simply be with him. She was impossibly in love with the SIN just as he was and here I was, interfering between the two of them. I felt dirty, I felt inadequate. But I couldn't help. Those feelings were real and they were mine.

So what did I do? I confessed someday. We were talking and the words came out of my lips. He resisted you know, threw me off and dismissed those feelings because that was the right thing to do. But I am myself, human, full of passion and determined to have what I want. I wanted him. I still do and the more time we spend together, the more I want to be with him. It hurts a lot when he talks about Elpis and all the great things she was. It hurts me because I know I shouldn't feel jealous, I shouldn't be envious and I certainly shouldn't be hurting her. I tried to keep it quiet, to shut it down but then how could I when he is PRIDE? He's influencing me, I know that. He's subconscious pushes me into doing what I want. I kissed him several times and he kissed me back. Usually, it was one of his tactics to make me shut up because of the boy, I'm a motormouth when I'm anxious. But I realized that there was more than just convenience in his kisses.

I couldn't think straight that evening because we had that argument again about me not being Elpis and me not being deserving of his affection and me really want him. We argued and I cried and... I can't believe I told him I was willing to pretend to be Elpis if that made him happy. I want him to be happy so of course, I know how important it is for him to set his beloved free. I will do that for him because I am in love with him. I was willing not to talk about my feelings, I could paint them instead. Ah ! The evening really was bad. We tried to focus on something else, so I brought him my sketchbook, showed him how my feelings for him changed but he seemed unphased, which didn't surprise me. I am insignificant after all. But things took a different turn when I dared to compare him to a human because he had emotions. Pride got so angry, I was scared again and you know me? I had to talk my head off. Which I did. He grew impatient, told me to quiet down and I argued again, asked him to make me and he kissed him and he pushed me on my back. The SIN was back. I'm not trying to find an excuse for what happened next, but yes we had sex. I wanted it, he wanted it and it was great. It was raw and rough and hot and it left me with stars in my head and rainbows in my eyes and my poor heart just sunk a little more because I realized I wanted him for eternity. I needed him for eternity... Fuck.. I am doomed ain't I?

He just did the very thing that hurt Elpis millennia ago. He was having sex with anything before he was with her and during their time together until she learned he was cheating on her? I had that memory and it was vivid in my mind and heart. Elpis was devastated and she thought that since he couldn't commit, he wasn't into her so she was wasting her time. That was the first time he actually acknowledged his feelings for her. I became one of these girls he fucked. I hurt her. I couldn't sleep after we were done but I remained silent because I didn't know what to say. I just laid against him, cuddled with him while my head was already in the future. Elpis could feel and see all I felt and saw. I was sure about that. We have linked after all. And while I couldn't have a clear link to her so we couldn't speak, I already knew how hurt she was that he had sex with me and cheated on her. Maybe circumstances were different this time because I was a vessel, I could always try to convince her that it was his way to get closer to her, that he simply used me to be with her again since I bore an uncanny physical resemblance to her. I could put myself back to my place, the good-to-nothing human who simply carried the most important treasure of this world. I'm not being sarcastic here! Hope was literally trapped within me and I grew up in a world where there was no hope at all. It was a cold and pessimistic world where everything was written in advance and had to happen. Where no one could foresee a better future or fight for it. Where people were simply apathetic to everything. She was important. I might die setting her free but who would care anyway? Nobody cared enough... I was alone.

I might have wrecked this relationship or maybe I am giving myself too much importance. They were old spirits and had already lived millennia before I was born. I was nothing, maybe just a grain of salt in their life. So, if I didn't wreck their home, what did I wreck? I turned on my side and let him spoon me with his arm wrapped around my belly. He kissed my shoulder and neck, still giving me affection while I was lost my mind, trying to figure out whose life I ruined by having the best sex of my life. It suddenly became clear. I played myself. I ruined myself. I knew he wasn't in love with me and would never be. I didn't want him to ruin his relationship with this beautiful soul entrapped within me because I wasn't worth it. I didn't want to destroy anything he visibly had troubles building. But ultimately, I was the one suffering from the situation, more than he could ever do. My life was forever changed because I met him. If I was lucky enough to still be alive after that ordeal, he already told me he would never see me again. I would live like an empty shell with only memories of him in my mind and heart. It wasn't appealing. At all. If I died while freeing the deity, then I would have lived a very short and unsatisfying life. A life of solitude, sometimes self-imposed. A life of pessimism and fatality where nothing could happen without a reason. A life without hope of a better tomorrow, a life without the big love affair I think I deserved to have. I wanted a life filled with joy and love and how ironic was it to realize that when I would probably just end up dead in a short while? He didn't quite know how to address my situation because he didn't bother with human emotions but he felt I was in turmoil.

I wrapped my arm above his and entwined our fingers to give him a sense of security and normalcy. My mind might have been wandering but the warm sensation in my body, the afterglow of our lovemaking. no wait, it wasn't loved.. of our sexual intercourse was still on me. I bit my bottom lip as I tried to find some strength and wiped out tears I tried to hide from him.

« Are you alright? » He finally managed to ask, to which I replied with a nod. I was alright. The most alright I could ever be.

« Well, you gave me my first orgasms. We can celebrate this. » I said, half-joking.

He did make me feel like never before, satisfied me in ways I never knew I could be and helped me rediscover my body but it was my heart that was shattered because I realized that the best I ever had might be the best I could ever have. I couldn't complain, he gave himself to me, had me have a taste. It was more than I could ever hope for. He smirked smugly, as Pride always did and kept kissing the crook of my neck.

« You weren't so bad either. You promised I would get addicted but I don't think it worked. » He said seductively, inviting me for another round. I sighed softly and thought to myself that if that was the most I could get, then I would get it shamelessly, without having second thoughts for the poor soul entrapped within me, at least, not when we were having sex. I had all the time to have remorses afterward but would it be fair for me? My life was limited and fragile so maybe I deserved it. I wasn't a homewrecker. I was a woman in love. I smiled and turned around to face him and his cerulean eyes.

« I think we need more tests... you weren't very receptive but the second test would be better. I'm never wrong. » I said, as I bit his bottom lip and let my hands ran over his chest. Pride grunted and lifted my naked and supple leg up to his waist.

I wasn't a homewrecker but I did deserve to be wrecked both metaphorically and literally that night. It wasn't time for regret because my life was at stake so I decided to ignore and push back any remorse for the evening. He granted me a gift, who was I to refuse it?

you don't deserve it

You don't deserve an unhealthy relationship. You don't deserve to have someone who gets off by breaking you apart! You don't deserve that shit!

You don't deserve years of traumatism, years of building yourself back up, years of wondering if you're enough for someone. You don't deserve that shit!

You don't deserve to be unable to trust anyone or always envision the worst when you meet people. You don't deserve to stop mid-sentence because you're convinced something you're about to say is shitty or annoying or don't deserve to be heard! You don't deserve that shit!

You don't deserve to shield yourself from the world because you're sure that they'd be better off without you. You don't deserve to question every single new relationship you have because you're not sure you can make/keep healthy relationships!! YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT SHIT!

You don't deserve to be bitter and pessimistic because "well, with the luck I have, I'll ever find someone who would want to kill me or someone who'll walk away because of who I am"! You don't deserve to have PTSD and panic attacks because someone gets close to you and you didn't notice, or when someone is nice to you and interested in a romantic way, or when something happens and reminds you of how you were abused. especially when it's a song! YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT SHIT!

People always talk about abuse as if it was a joke or if the one who got into the relationship "should" have stepped up or left. You never got into one, how DARE you victim blame. The victim is already blaming themselves once they got out of it (which they shouldn't. because abuse is not an easy thing. most of the time they would play on your insecurities, and work their way to isolate you and keep you in that I give you crumbles of "love" so you owe me because nobody would ever love you, especially not like I do).

I can speak for myself but I'd rather not tear open a wound that hadn't stopped bleeding but I will speak for those who can't. You do not deserve any of that shit. regardless of the relationship, you are in (family, friends, romantic) you DO NOT DESERVE THAT SHIT. it's not on you, it's not on you and I really wish I could let you know how much you matter and how much you're important too.

History is important

A/N: This stems from a conversation I had with a friend about the importance of Remembrance Day. About all those monuments we have IN  FRANCE that celebrate the bravery of resistance, honours the victims of the Holocaust along with the those monuments about slavery (and by extension the end of the colonial era/independence of many former colonies) along with testimonies of love, the wall of peace of UNESCO etc.. I was frustrated about how History was lost to humanity since day 1 but she convinced me to keep an optimistic point of view about it. Hence this piece :)

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History, for me, is and should always be the mirror you look at that tells you not to repeat the same mistake your elders did and continue the greatness they started. It should be as plain and as simple as that but it seems to escape even the most valiant heart and cunning mind. I think that we, as humans, aren't able to cram it into our skulls that we shouldn't let certain things happen again. After all, we had Afro-Caribbean slave trade, civilizations built with exploiting the work of the weak and vulnerable. (like the Natives). Civilizations built by exterminating or reducing greatly a nation that used to be there before (The Ainus in Japan, the Aboriginals in Australia, the Natives in America) Such a shame. Such a terrible shame. It STILL goes on today, different target, usually women and children of both genders and sexes. Same purpose, different scope, and different perpetrators It's not civilization as a whole, it's just a bunch of people who can get rich by exploiting others. Same troubles, different scale, different purpose. It's not to build a nation (not that it justified anything by the way. It didn't.). It's simply to have some people enjoy other people bodies, tears, and pain. Power and money, that's what drive people to this day.

We had World War I, « the last of the last » we thought it would be and yet WWII followed right after, and the cold war (with countries in between those two blocks suffering from the conflict) and today, warfare has changed if you didn't know, technology followed, improved and changed the face of war forever. More countries are caught in between fires and serve as tactical space to win over. Usually ? Those countries in Africa and the Middle East and eastern Europe are the ones who fall the hardest. We all know it, or do we? What have we learned over the last millennia? What have we learned and changed? In my opinion? We've barely started to acknowledge that other people actually do have feelings, different lives and are different yet so similar. We wish we were in an episode of Star Trek but we're not, we're far from it. There was progress but progress was falsely believed to have solved everything. Women finally got the right to vote in 1945 after centuries of being the target of humiliation, sometimes murdered (remember Olympe de Gouges? beheaded because she dared to write a declaration of women rights?), sometimes jailed, most of the time brutalized. People of color had to fight harder and faced death every time they tried to get free (Algeria war everyone? to say the very least), gay bashing was a thing, still is today but it's more subtle. interracial couples had and still have to suffer from some serious issues from both sides of their families due to stereotypes/prejudices, let's not even talk about how mixed-ethnicities babies have to handle just existing! it's still there, still a thing! Disabled and mentally ill people did and still have to suffer from discrimination. Even in 2016 in spite of progress being made. Guess what? Progress didn't solve everything. We hadn't solved racism, xenophobia, ableism, and sexism... we haven't solved any of these issues at all, but we're talking about it more and this is an important change and a positive one. Talking and acknowledging there is an issue is the first step towards making sure it doesn't happen again.

Let's take for example France. France is a country with a very very very rough past. I'm not going as far as talking about the Kings and Queens but just enough to enter the 20^th century. WWI and WWII. France is a beautiful country, needless to say otherwise, but it's not a « PURE », "Innocent" country or one without its sins! It has HISTORY and a very bloody one. Looking away at it isn't going to make the issues we face today vanish. France had a colonial empire, my birth country was one of them and only became free in 1960. Most of you might not know how colonies worked, but it was modern day slavery to say the very least. It came with its frustration, random assassinations, in the case of Cameroon we even had a small genocide going on. We weren't many, almost half of us were killed when we rebelled. It is documented, and I read about the use of napalm on my people. How chilling! Most of you don't know how hard France fought back against those countries who wanted freedom, Algeria was a mess, Indochine was an even bloodier mess, foreign soldiers who fought WWI and WWII were treated less than they should have been.etc.. Not talking about the past is, for me,  murdering yet again those who were murdered because they wanted freedom or were different. They deserve a voice, we must listen and digest and make sure it doesn't happen anymore. Cherry Picking isn't going to be a solution either. you have to look at the great  AND the bad to appreciate History and truly loving your country. Acknowledging gets you along I believe.

France fell during WWII, the enemy conquered the land and the terrible VICHY regime started. Regardless of what drove Petain to sign that armistice, he did so deliberately sending to their deaths millions of children and French people of Jewish origins/religion. See! It all started with a registry, it all started with antisemitism that existed WAY before WWII in France and festered like a disease. It all started with accusations, elections, and neighbors way too happy to grasp their Jewish neighbors belonging sand wealth. That is an ugly truth that can't be blinked out of existence. But we can't cherry pick either and forget the GOOD that happened TOO! All the fights to preserve the country, defend freedom, RESIST OPPRESSION (although that latter part is ironic considering colonies existed still.. I'll pass the sneering comment for the sake of explaining my point), RESIST the 3^rd Reich, resist HATE speech. This resistance is what we should look upon and what France tries to pride itself with whenever it talks about protection of human rights and peace.

Are we perfect? No, not at all. Do we have our issues today? Hell YES! We still have bigotry going on kids disavowed because they're LGBTQ+? Yes, we do have it. Women suffering harassment, discrimination, glass ceiling, the « you're only there to have kids otherwise you're not a woman » treatment? SURE they do. Especially sexual harassment, it's a thing we have that is all the rage right now. On the street, in the subway, in the bus. Everywhere. Do we still have racism? You bet we do! I still do experience it, casual racism? Pfft, bigger aggressions? Yes of course! Xenophobia and right now Islamophobia? Yes, we do. Now, more than ever we need to look at the past with wide eyes and realize that yesterday events still have consequences today. Our old fights are still valid today and still NEEDED. It doesn't end. It never really does, what can change and has changed is how we respond to it. and we've been more vocal about it, which for me is a good thing. 

In closure, I'll just give this example. Antisemitism isn't dead. Most people might think it has but it hasn't died. We still have holocaust deniers (yes we have them here!) we have neo-nazis who know they can't parade because they would be exposed to a violent reaction from people who don't forget History. Grandchildren/greatgrandchildren of victims, sometimes victims of extermination camps who are still alive today (not so many are though, bless their souls). We do have cemeteries that are desecrated with swastikas and other racist slurs, we have out conspiration nutjobs who spread their hatred and we have our resident politician who enables and spreads that rhetoric over and over again and his daughter who took over his political party and is « revamping » the thing... smoothing it up while everybody who knows History and knows how to read between lines can tell it's the same rhetoric. Same goal. We had a hate crime against a Jewish boy in 2006 by people who drank the kool-aid and believed all that hateful crap spat day and night on air or in books or on tv. We still had this issue and yet we acted as if it was solved. I don't tell you how shocked French people were when they realized that, « too bad, antisemitism isn't dead ya'll! » What did they do? They made sure to educate, talk about it, condemn it instead of sticking the head in the sand. In here, it's a felony to spread hate speech! Did it help? So far, not too many incidents are reported and hopefully, the numbers would go down. Well, we do have Islamophobia and the other casual racism towards Asians/African that is still there and is still fought against and talked about. So there is that.

 Most people don't try to give a chance to this kind of hatred to keep spreading. Regardless of their political standpoints because at the end of the day whether you're right or left or center, you're a human being who has the choice to be decent or not. History is important. History tells you that, « hey human genocide and despicable war crimes took place a lot in the 20^th century! 1939-1945, 1992, 1994 and so and so... maybe we should look into it and make sure it doesn't happen anymore otherwise why would we bother with History? »

It's not to say "we're better than you" because we clearly are not. I sincerely am a cynical and pessimistic person regarding our ability (including mine) to actually make things better and be different than our elders. But I sometimes surprise myself when I can go beyond everything to help someone else and I do get surprised by people, extraordinary people who in their ordinary selves found the strength to keep doing as much good as they could do. I have a lot of respect for people who can go out of their way to ensure others are safe and feel good. it doesn't have to be a big action. A simple act of kindness goes a long way. Comforting a stranger, giving your food to a hungry friend, protecting a scared person that was assaulted in front of you. Even just saying "it's not right" in public, call the police or the ambulance, make sure that old lady who fell can sit back and is okay is already beautiful especially if the only thing that crosses your mind is "this person needs my help". I've seen so many desensitized people that I honestly weep when some treat others like actual human beings.


know we're far from being a Star Trek episode, but in spite of being a cynic heart, I still have a tiny hope we could get there if we really work hard for it. 

We need to be better than our elders, we need to set an example for our future children. We certainly shouldn't turn a blind eye. We shouldn't turn a blind eye at other people being in trouble, especially friends, family, and strangers. 

So yes, History is important, remembering is important as well as teaching how it happened, why it happened and how not to let it happen again.

My Suicidal tendencies, how to explain them

I don't always talk about it because there is no good way to begin a conversation involving death. I tried to subtly mention them with my drawings or some stories. I tried to alert people without being too upfront that yes, I do have suicidal tendencies and that maybe one day, I wouldn't be here anymore because I decided to jump the shark. How to explain these? I tried to tell my family but aside from my twin, the only response I have is "Don't do that, think of how badly you'd hurt us if you do." or "Didn't we give you enough? why do you have to repay us this terrible way." or "What did we do?" I get it, it's all about you. I can't talk about it because I know most people would simply run away. I didn't even talk that much about it to my therapist when  I was still seeing one because I am not used to talking about it.

I'll try here though, at least there should be a place where I can express myself fully. So here we go.  Those tendencies started back when I was 12 years old. I went and OD'd on medication and it really was because my nanny went to clear my parents' room that she found me on the floor and I was saved when they emptied my stomach. I was 12 and wanted to die already.  I don't know why but I know I was in pain. Later on, as time went by and memories of a sexual assault by a male!A nanny who worked at home came back. I got lucky, he didn't penetrate me so I was still a virgin. But I do remember the assault, the forced kisses, the threats if I ever talked about it, his hands roaming all over my body. Me saying no and feeling ashamed and how bruised my lips were because he kissed them hard. It's a disgusting memory, it's a disgusting moment and what makes it even more disgusting is that because I kept my mouth shut, he went on an raped my twin. He wasn't even fired because of that because nobody knew at that time. He was fired over some "minor" incident involving the safety of my little sister who was still a baby when it happened. Some hygiene issue.  I kept my mouth shut, I was 7 so it wasn't my fault but the guilt is still there. the guilt of not having said anything and having my twin suffer for my silence. I guess that's why I tried to kill myself when I was 12 otherwise I don't recall what happened.

Urges have always been there since then. I was pushed near suicide by very abusive people who were supposed to be my friends. I was tempted to do it on my own, especially when I was experiencing down/severely depressed moments. They always happened after a manic phase. I didn't even realize it was a manic phase, bare with me since I have just started knowing I was suffering from mental illness this year. my therapist believes it's bipolarity which could work with all the symptoms I show, but I need a psychiatrist to confirm it's actually this so I could have medication. But if it's the case, it could explain why the suicidal tendencies. It could explain why a simple thought can fester and turn into an excruciating truth. It could explain why I hate myself so much. I still can't love myself. I think I would never be able to. When I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is a failure. All I see is something gross. and you know, I really believe that if I'm gone it's not going to change anything. People would move on. I don't matter. I just don't. And now that I'm thinking about it, it's a feeling I always had, even when I was extremely slim or curvy at the right places. I always thought I was gross. useless, a waste of air and space and skin. People don't see it and can't see it. They can't know it because I can't talk about it. Every day I wake up and wish I didn't. Every time I go to bed, I just wish I would sleep forever. Everytime.

It hurts you know, to be alive. It hurts because you know you can't-do shit. I know I can't-do shit. I'm just designed to be in pain. Every little joy I have to feel like I won the lottery because the rest of the time I am just in pain.  I believe I am alive only to punish my soul for something I did in the past or an ancient life. I am here to expiate my life. I am here to pay a price. Otherwise, I don't know why I am here and why I am in such a pain. I feel guilty to be alive. I feel like happiness is just a concept I'll never fulfill. It's just a dream.  I feel like whatever I do and whatever I say, I'm just hurting people around me. nobody can even be happy to see me. nobody can possibly be happy to see me.  I'm just dragging them down, giving them troubles. people would be far better without me.

How to talk about my suicidal tendencies? I could tell you that what prevents me from hurting myself in the most gruesome ways are phobias.  I can't stand seeing my blood, so I can't use a knife. I want to. I wish I could find some strength to stab myself but it's going to be messy and it's going to hurt and if I miss myself, I'll ruin my poor aesthetics already.  I can't smother myself, I can't drown, I certainly won't throw myself off of the window because I can't stand heights. I can't break my neck (one of the things I hate to see on movies, can't even bring a hand around my neck). The only solution is of course to OD or if I really really feel like it, just be hit by a car, or starve myself.  Last time I tried to drink bleach but I am glad I didn't, it'll be a mess and I might have survived that shit.

So I struggle every day with eating enough not to starve (I still just eat once a day), make sure I'm not playing with knives because I always was this close to hurt myself with them, to the point of having it nearly pierce the skin and I stay away from meds. unless I have to take them (because of course, when I'm sick, I don't take my treatment hoping it could get worse so I could die) That's my daily fights.

This is really funny... I can't even succeed in killing myself properly. See, that's the kind of thought I have to deal with on a daily basis. That's why I can't talk about it to anyone because it's just too much of a burden to carry.  I'm not that great, I'm just terrible and it's only a matter of time before people notice. I guess, fucking life.

of why I love Wolverine

I connect with Wolverine in ways I can't always explain. He is my favorite character EVER along with Storm! He taught me a lot when I was growing up and while I feel sad that today people only keep the lonesome angry animal, I can't stress it out enough. He's more than just an angry animal. (when well written)

Sure, he's a huge walking metaphor. We have a man who at some point in his already complicated (shitty) life, was experimented on, dehumanized and basically forced to return to some animalistic behavior. He ran with the wolves, hunted, lost himself. He was broken! Although he healed, there is still this part of him (the anger of having been reduced to a beast, the fact he lived for so long like this and kept some habits, his past traumas as well and the powerlessness he might have felt every single time he went to war. He did them all after all. We also have a man who makes mistakes or tries to fix other people mistakes too. 

But he's a wise man too. He traveled the world, opened up to other cultures, connected with so many people and constantly shares his knowledge with others. I remember when he comforted Storm after she "killed" Marrow. His words echoed within me even today and it's one of my favorite panels with these two. He's loyal, he's fierce and he is a great mentor. He's a man who despite the darkness and ugliness of the world he lived in and experienced..... he's a man who still fights the good fight.

He could have turned bitter (and had), could have given up (and had for a short while), could have kept his anger in the world and distress (but he didn't). He could have remained a loner (but found a family), even gave his heart several times (Mariko, Jean, Storm..) and found a way to still do good while all he has are lethal claws and indestructible skeleton. He was a broken man who built himself back up and turned everything ugly that happened to him into something beautiful.

Yes, he's gruff and had rough edges, but he also has a loving heart. A kind, compassionate and wise heart. I wish we could see more of this side of him. Of him comforting and teaching both Kitty and Jubilee, of him being in Storm's life, supporting her, helping her, comforting her when she needs it. I could have more to say about him, but I gave you a glimpse :)

TVD: confession

A/N: All usual disclaimers. She finally braced herself to confess her feelings for Elijah in order to move forward. I guess I simply wanted to give them a chance to become actual friends

Also, this is my version of Elijah (whom I adore) so please don't sue me!

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Elijah came back several weeks later. He indeed was too busy sorting out where his stubborn brother might have been as well as making sure Freyja recovered thanks to Asma's potion. Asma did as he suggested and went to see more of Mystic Falls. Bonnie already visited her several times for counseling and training, therefore she was able to spend some more time with Elena Gilbert as well. Elena seemed to take pretty easily the presence of supernatural creatures along with witches since she was aware of Bonnie's true nature and powers. It intrigued the witch. Could you be friends with someone who knew about your true identity? She was skeptical and had every reason to be.

Throughout centuries, the witch witnessed how far Mankind cruelty could go. Slavery was the hardest on her because it was her time period. She literally spent every day of her life as if it was her last. When the Mikaelsons freed her and some of the slaves who lived with her, she still was scared of being taken back by other slaves owners and sold again. Meeting her coven truly saved her life and having them watch her helped Asma sleep on her own two ears. Until that very day when she met Klaus and Elijah and was cursed to eternal life by her supreme. You couldn't befriend a supernatural creature, especially not when said creature was a vampire. You couldn't work with any of these because they were evil creatures and natural born enemies. Or so she was told. Or maybe that truly was.

It cost her a lot. Her friends turned their backs on her and she ended up being alone. Years after years, centuries after centuries had her live a very lonely and secluded life. A life she spent mostly being afraid. If it wasn't of being hung or lynched because of her skin color, it soon became of being outed as a witch in the modern world. Bigotry and racism were still part of the country but at least, she could handle it better in this day and age. Mystic Falls was a good city. People were open-minded and welcoming, so opening her shop was the easiest thing she ever had to do. Caroline Forbes' mother always made sure she was fine, looking after her like she was her own daughter and although Asma complained, she appreciated the attention.

Then Elijah asked her to go out and meet people because living a recluse life didn't help her soul. So she went. The pink haired witch met Willa, a woman she couldn't place just yet but who mesmerized her with her sincerity and genuine care. The first contact was pleasant so it encouraged Asma to keep going and meet Willa more often at the bar. She opened-up to new adventures and felt more at ease as time went by so when Elijah came back to her shop, Asma welcomed him with a joyful smile on her face. She closed the door behind him and leaned against it for a while. He noticed something had changed about her. Was it the tight short white cotton dress she was wearing or the fact she didn't bother with the sunglasses at all? He could smell she was relaxed and even more so as she twirled and danced forward her desk. He glanced at her with a lifted brow and gently chuckled as he was pleased with her genuine happiness and he leaned against the desk.

« What? » She asked with a grin.

« You seem to be very happy.  Did you follow my advice? »

« Yes, I did. » She nodded at him and quietly leaned against the table. « I think I made a friend. »

« Who is she? » He genuinely asked as she bent a bit forward.

« Barmaid at the Mystic Grill. I think she's a werewolf but I don't have anything to confirm it. »She shrugged and ran her hand through her hair. Her eyes glanced at Elijah who was curious about this female werewolf he never heard of before. « Elijah. I think we should talk. »

« That certainly doesn't sound ominous. » He tried to joke a little in order to defuse the tension that had started to build up. Asma looked calm and she shrugged her shoulders.

« It's not really... I mean, it depends on what will follow after I dropped my bomb. » She nervously looked at him and then clenched her fists. « Elijah. I think it's not really a surprise if I say that... » She looked into his brown eyes and swallowed a lump. « if I say that I am.. /was/ in love with you. » She took a deep breath and then looked away so she wouldn't be embarrassed by his gaze on her.

« …... » Elijah's hard gaze settled on her as he sincerely took her confession like a slap in the face. Never in the last 800 years did he think that she was growing feelings towards him. They only had small talks, and usually only about what he needed when he came to her. She never gave a hint after all these centuries and he dismissed all the signs. Dumbfounded, the original stared at her with a questioning look on his face. « Was? »

« Yes. » She nodded and gently put her hand over his. « I know this is.... you and I aren't meant to be. I came to terms with that since you left last time. »

« I never knew. » He said in an apologetic tone. She smiled at him and nodded quietly. « You never.. we never talked about it. I mean, How... when? » She shrugged and held his hand tighter.

« It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter when or for how long I had these feelings for you, Elijah. I have them but I realized it would lead us nowhere. Your heart belongs to someone else... I can't fight that. But I want.. I want to be your friend and I hope we could do more than small talks. »The white witch finally admitted. He furrowed his brows, unable to say anything eloquent for a while and then nodded as she made sense.

« I have always been your friend. I owed you my brother's life the day I came to you. I owe you a couple more life-saving moments. » Asma shook her head and squeezed his hand harder.

« It's not about what you owe or what I owe you. I thought we paid our debts already. I am helping you because I care about you. I've been caring about you for centuries now Elijah. »

« I know. I help you for the very same reasons. »

« Then we should spend the rest of our lives to get to know each other better. » The witch suggested, tucking some pink locks behind her ears.

« How do you suggest we do that? » He asked, bemused and less tense than he was a few minutes before.

« No more small talks when you come over for a spell or a potion.  Come back to me whenever you have time to share a meal... It could be a great start. » She said hopefully. The original nodded and gave her a smile of his own.

« That could be a great start. »

« Why did you come over? » She asked, releasing his hand and leaning both her hands on the counter. Her heart was beating faster than usual, which informed the original that she was not at ease. He wanted to ask about her feelings for him but Elijah wasn't the type of person to be nosey. She might not want to answer his questions and might even feel upset so he decided to opt out and offered her his most gracious smile.

« To tell you that my sister is doing better. I wanted to give you an update and thank you personally. Besides, I told you that we could share a cup of coffee so I bought the finest beans I could find. »

He smiled again and then noticed she was shivering. Truth be told, it was easy to say that your feelings were gone and you took a decision but the truth was that they weren't gone. Every time she looked at him, Asma saw unfinished possibilities that could never be explored. At least, the witch confessed her feelings for the vampire, which would make it easier for her to move forward. It was something she did for her own mental safety and it was a complete relief. It hurt, but she finally could breathe next to him. The vampire gently pulled her over his frame to give her a hug.

« There beautiful. I think you needed this. »

She did, indeed.

Half-full glass

I have never felt the way I did in years. I felt empty, shellshocked and had the worst mental breakdown in a while (probably exacerbated by the suicide of my friend three days ago now). Anxiety so bad I couldn't breathe, let alone sleep. I lost Hope. straight away. Hope in Mankind I mean that was carefully initiated years ago but culminated today. Or so I thought.

While the half-empty glass is terrifying because so many people gave into their hatred, fear, bigotry and can't feed themselves anymore so they attack others. I genuinely am worried for some of my friends and wish them to remain safe and thrive in spite of the hard times. I can see people who are frustrated that racism, xenophobia, homophobia are being open and shameless now and do react with the same violence which isn't helping (but oh so tempting). Violence isn't the solution. standing by in silence isn't either.

The good news is that the glass is also half-full. There are tons of people who are wonderful decent human beings, people I know, people I don't. People who fight the good fight and try to include everyone so everyone could have a decent life and be happy. everyone could be respected, everyone could be taken care of if they need help (especially disabled and long-term diseased people and those suffering from mental illnesses -yes it's a disability but I do single it out because most often it's ignored-)

The hardest for me is to keep hope and faith because I lost it. It was so hard to struggle against the breakdown and be half-functioning again but I made it. I made it thanks to people who kept faith in the world and in people. I made it thanks to people who walked me through my meltdown and listened and kept me from hurting myself again. Thanks to people who spoke with wise words and restored Hope in my heart. I started to feel the sparkle of hope in my heart when a friend cheered me up today and gently reminded me of her artwork (below) and of the concept behind it. She reminded me that there is something I am doing that gives Hope to many. Something that gave /me/ Hope when I was wasting away and about to die. Asma that is. Goddess of Hope, main character of my book. One whose Journey involves becoming mature, finding hope and embody it and change the world she lives in into a better world than the one she wakes up to.

The concept made me smile today and cry a bit, because yes, Asma is mostly known for now as a Marvel OC, until my book comes out. She often has those trust exercises where she free falls to see if Steve would catch her. He always does. He never fails to catch her up. Because their bond is strong and he really loves and cares for her. it's an endurance test but he never fails. She knows and he does too.

That simple drawing truly helped me today and I hope it does help you too. I still feel hopeless today but I believe in good people. I believe good will prevail. I believe empathy isn't fully dead. So.. it would be better.

Hopefully, we would feel less bitter and worried as time goes by and we'd still be superheroes in time of need, calling out all the horrors we can witness, helping out those who need our help and protecting the weak and the vulnerable. I know many of you who are superheroes. I know many of you who are regular heroes. I know many of you who are full of love. Thank you for helping me see the half-full glass. Thank you for fueling my fire back. 

we got this! be good to one another!

This is going to be my last post-US election post.

(credit to the artist, if anyone knows who he is, let me know)

I have to remind you that I'm not really into politics even though I do know how they work since I studied them. I'm for the greater good. I stand for decency and love. I stand for people regardless of where they come from to have the right to breathe and exist and for EVIL people (you know, murderers, rapists, people who doxx others, domestic abusers, pedos, those who hurt animals etc...) to be PUNISHED.

But I do have my limits. I sadly had to depart with many people I thought were good people (French people especially), who were violent and wished death/ rape threats upon ethnicities, women (and men) and other religious groups. (including my own, Catholicism). I can't remain friends with people like that, people who are dead serious about that or take it lightly (rape isn't a joke). Man, I studied war crimes, genocides, old and new. I SAW where hatred can lead to. I come from a country which used to be a colony until 1960 and in some ways still is today. I experienced and witnessed despicable acts of racism on a daily basis when I lived there, perpetrated sometimes by beloved teachers we accidentally met at the grocery store. No.More of that shit!

After the shock and the worries [because unfortunately, it has impacted greatly in my country and nervosity is palatable even more now. I recall 2002 and 2012. Let's make sure we don't have it in 2017], I had the time to digest and think.

The first option was the easiest one, fall into despair. Hey, I'm suffering from mental illness, so trust me it was even more tempting to do. It beat me all Tuesday and Wednesday but I stopped right there, thanks to amazing people who gave me hope back and walked me through it in this time of need.

The second option is what I decided to go by. I finally slept through it and thought to myself what was the best thing to do. What I stood for and what I truly wanted. I always say and will always believe that we all think we're better than the rest of the world or people we know. We believe we're so righteous and so strong and we can't-do no wrong. But we can. We're weak like that. We're human like that. We are not perfect and can easily (oh so easily) fall into the pits of rage and hatred. I don't condone violence. it's not going to help. Yes, you're frustrated with the results. I am more concerned and worried about the zealots who could try to force their narrow-minded views on others. Not saying everyone is a zealot (of course not, come on!!!!!) but some are. But violence isn't going to help. It's only going to fuel violence and hatred and do more damage than good.

So what is left to do then?

I will continue as I always have before. I will still post silly memes, pictures, my sketches, more about my book! I will keep making art! Art saved my life literally and still does every freaking day. and I had a project I shared with you and it's still going on! I don't give up on this one.

I don't give up on pointing out what's wrong. Animal cruelty? Rapists, who walk away because "prison would be too hard on them"? Victim-blaming? (cause I have been. I surely should have just died when my ex-strangled me that very morning)? anti-pro-choice? anti-poverty/classist rhetoric? Xenophobia and racism? always against it! sexism? Ableism? anti-LGBTQ+? Injustice in general! I might simply post a status from time to time that tackles these topics or shares an article about a very terrible event (like NoDAPL going on) but in real life, be sure that I'm advocating for every one of these and debate and argue and call out when I see it happen. I will sit next to a woman who's been harassed by a shady guy to give her support. I would sit by a transgender kid who's being picked on by other kids on the subway. I'd always help a pregnant woman who fell on the pavement or an old person on the bus. I'd help as much as I can those around me who are not like me or who are like me.

But I will always keep sending love and positive vibes around. Because that's who I am, that's what I did before and that's what I'll still do. Every minute of me feeling good in a life where my mental illness drags me to the bottom of the pit every second, feeling good is a joy I want to share around. Feeling good is a victory and making sure I'm here for my friends when I can be there is also a priority.

I'm not giving up on this, so please don't give up on this as well.
Don't be an empty promise, keep fighting the good fight and ensure that everyone can exist and feel safe in this time and era. Make sure you don't turn a blind eye when someone is assaulted in front of you. make sure you spread love as well and you call out injustice when you see it. Compassion and empathy aren't dead, unlike what I thought a while ago. you can be beacons of Hope, so please be it.

we got this!

reach out

There is nothing stronger than a genuine bond between two hearts. 

Genuine care and love are the most powerful motivators. I do believe that if the path I walked wasn't an easy one and sometimes was borderline ugly, it was because I was meant to meet all the wonderful people I have in my life today. Their support, love, and care mean the world to me. I savor it as a sweet revenge for the years of suffering I have endured and still do.

There is nothing more beautiful than a genuine bond between two souls.

I believe we can benefit from uplifting one another.I believe there is not such a thing as loving too much, there is not such a thing as not being enough for someone when love is true. I believe in being completely free to be oneself when you are with people you love free of being judged, free of being restrained and I understood it all when I met true love <3

There is nothing more powerful than a genuine bond between two people.

But a genuine bond takes some time to make, it takes a leap of faith, it takes trust. I feel grateful for those who were patient enough to give me time and space to trust them, look where we are today <3 I love you so much. And although I'd rather not think of the day it would end, I will forever remember the good you left in my life.

So yes, bonds come and go, some are stronger than time and life, others can't last forever. I understand that. But a beautiful bond, whether everlasting or short-lived would forever impact you and that other person forever. So please, be good and genuine and loving towards each other. <3