Pride x Asma : Homewrecker

A/N: I guess they really don't want me to keep my Pride with me :'( I am so upset about losing him over and over again. But he's my muse and I decided to keep writing our stories until the deletion spree stops for a while. My babies though <3 I love them! 

Things got complicated real quick, didn't they? Asma's POV.

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I couldn't think straight that evening. How long has it been since we went on a run Pride and I ? several weeks, maybe months? I lost count. All I knew was that we've been very careful so the entity's siblings couldn't find her.. me. I mean me. My life was turned upside down the minute I met Pride you know? Before he came into my life, I simply was a known artist, a painter. I kept sketching and painting the world around me, nature at its best, architecture and from time to time portraits. I was very shy and cautious of the world because the world had never been kind to me. I never met good people who would never try to take advantage of me and the ones who were good with me didn't stay around because life happened. Some started a family and moved away from me, or I started to get some recognition and I moved away from them. It never really was willing from both parts but that was my life. I suppose, now that I know the deity of Hope was inhabiting me that maybe it wasn't just life. It might have been on purpose? I don't know. I'd never know.

So, yes. I am a vessel. Officially that is. I started to paint what I perceived as dreams more frequently. It was always the same guy but at different moments of his life. He was always happy and at peace next to me as if. I was the one making him feel that way. I thought it was just a dream you know but turns out, these were memories from the entity living inside of me. Talk about a surprise when the guy showed up in my usual coffee shop and talked to me. Talk about my surprise when he told me that I was hunted down by the entity's siblings and I should quickly move if I wanted to live. I couldn't believe and yet it happened in front of my eyes. Death, destruction and him being larger than life, handsome and scary at the same time. My wife switched from boring to worse in a snap of a finger and I became his unwilling guest... or like I phrased it, his « prisoner ». I couldn't believe a creature like him, a SIN, an actual seven sin, could express something else than nefarious and dangerous thoughts and feelings. I refused to believe he was in love with Elpis, the primeval goddess of Hope and light that was inside of me. I just couldn't. He scared me to the bones and I couldn't even understand how the « man » in front of me could have been the one I kept on painting. But he was.

I had romances, two to be precise but they were enough to make me an adult in the flesh department and in my heart. They were good guys, kind and sweet but it didn't work out because we didn't match. Bummer ! I hated breaking up with them but it was so liberating afterward. I was free again, I could paint again, I could be myself. Why am I telling you all of this? Well, turns out things took a very very bad turn for me. I fell in love with him. Plain and simple. I fell in love with a sin, me, a mortal! Since we were running away from her siblings, I spent a lot of time with him and I got the chance to know him better. I also benefited from the flashbacks of Elpis to remind me that he had layers and wasn't just one-dimensional. He truly loved her. I realized he really did. It took millennia for him to find her. He spent millennia with his memories of her and them together wiped out from the minute she was cursed into a never-ending cycle of reincarnation in the human realm. He was stolen these millennia with her, he was stolen his everything. It moved me, what can I say? I never saw such dedicated love in my life. His eyes softened every time he talked about her, and I even surprised him smile when he was lost in his thoughts and memories of her. I only could assume they were about her given how warm he suddenly became.

I started to sketch him a lot more, not just memories of the SIN but actual thoughts and feelings from me. I sketched all the moments he made me feel afraid. Afraid he might be so angry at what I said that he would snap at me. He couldn't kill me for the sake of his beloved but his anger wasn't pretty at all. But we got along, after a while, we started to know each other and he was softer with me, tolerated me even better. I started to see a different side of him and open up to him. So my sketches changed, they became warmer as time went by until that very day I drew him in such a beautiful and warm fashion, with a heart as a background and the most details I've ever put on a sketch...I was in love with him and envious of his love for the goddess. That was when things started spiraling.

With the luck I have, I had to fall in love with a man who already had a beloved. A man who was determined to set her free, a man who saw me as just a meatsuit. He couldn't see me otherwise, I was just human. I couldn't handle him, I couldn't even see him in his true glory without being killed because it was too much power for this frail body. I tried to fight it as soon as I realized. I felt disgusted because the deity entrapped within me was far more perfect and deserving than I could ever be. She braved everything to be with him, decided to stand by him because she believed in him and trusted their relationship. She was willing to sacrifice everything just to be with him and she brought him a new purpose, a new way of thinking about himself. She gave him a new life, breathed something new into him and managed to find him millennia later. I could feel her fighting spirit and some of her emotions and I knew she was eager to hold him in her arms, to kiss him and simply be with him. She was impossibly in love with the SIN just as he was and here I was, interfering between the two of them. I felt dirty, I felt inadequate. But I couldn't help. Those feelings were real and they were mine.

So what did I do? I confessed someday. We were talking and the words came out of my lips. He resisted you know, threw me off and dismissed those feelings because that was the right thing to do. But I am myself, human, full of passion and determined to have what I want. I wanted him. I still do and the more time we spend together, the more I want to be with him. It hurts a lot when he talks about Elpis and all the great things she was. It hurts me because I know I shouldn't feel jealous, I shouldn't be envious and I certainly shouldn't be hurting her. I tried to keep it quiet, to shut it down but then how could I when he is PRIDE? He's influencing me, I know that. He's subconscious pushes me into doing what I want. I kissed him several times and he kissed me back. Usually, it was one of his tactics to make me shut up because of the boy, I'm a motormouth when I'm anxious. But I realized that there was more than just convenience in his kisses.

I couldn't think straight that evening because we had that argument again about me not being Elpis and me not being deserving of his affection and me really want him. We argued and I cried and... I can't believe I told him I was willing to pretend to be Elpis if that made him happy. I want him to be happy so of course, I know how important it is for him to set his beloved free. I will do that for him because I am in love with him. I was willing not to talk about my feelings, I could paint them instead. Ah ! The evening really was bad. We tried to focus on something else, so I brought him my sketchbook, showed him how my feelings for him changed but he seemed unphased, which didn't surprise me. I am insignificant after all. But things took a different turn when I dared to compare him to a human because he had emotions. Pride got so angry, I was scared again and you know me? I had to talk my head off. Which I did. He grew impatient, told me to quiet down and I argued again, asked him to make me and he kissed him and he pushed me on my back. The SIN was back. I'm not trying to find an excuse for what happened next, but yes we had sex. I wanted it, he wanted it and it was great. It was raw and rough and hot and it left me with stars in my head and rainbows in my eyes and my poor heart just sunk a little more because I realized I wanted him for eternity. I needed him for eternity... Fuck.. I am doomed ain't I?

He just did the very thing that hurt Elpis millennia ago. He was having sex with anything before he was with her and during their time together until she learned he was cheating on her? I had that memory and it was vivid in my mind and heart. Elpis was devastated and she thought that since he couldn't commit, he wasn't into her so she was wasting her time. That was the first time he actually acknowledged his feelings for her. I became one of these girls he fucked. I hurt her. I couldn't sleep after we were done but I remained silent because I didn't know what to say. I just laid against him, cuddled with him while my head was already in the future. Elpis could feel and see all I felt and saw. I was sure about that. We have linked after all. And while I couldn't have a clear link to her so we couldn't speak, I already knew how hurt she was that he had sex with me and cheated on her. Maybe circumstances were different this time because I was a vessel, I could always try to convince her that it was his way to get closer to her, that he simply used me to be with her again since I bore an uncanny physical resemblance to her. I could put myself back to my place, the good-to-nothing human who simply carried the most important treasure of this world. I'm not being sarcastic here! Hope was literally trapped within me and I grew up in a world where there was no hope at all. It was a cold and pessimistic world where everything was written in advance and had to happen. Where no one could foresee a better future or fight for it. Where people were simply apathetic to everything. She was important. I might die setting her free but who would care anyway? Nobody cared enough... I was alone.

I might have wrecked this relationship or maybe I am giving myself too much importance. They were old spirits and had already lived millennia before I was born. I was nothing, maybe just a grain of salt in their life. So, if I didn't wreck their home, what did I wreck? I turned on my side and let him spoon me with his arm wrapped around my belly. He kissed my shoulder and neck, still giving me affection while I was lost my mind, trying to figure out whose life I ruined by having the best sex of my life. It suddenly became clear. I played myself. I ruined myself. I knew he wasn't in love with me and would never be. I didn't want him to ruin his relationship with this beautiful soul entrapped within me because I wasn't worth it. I didn't want to destroy anything he visibly had troubles building. But ultimately, I was the one suffering from the situation, more than he could ever do. My life was forever changed because I met him. If I was lucky enough to still be alive after that ordeal, he already told me he would never see me again. I would live like an empty shell with only memories of him in my mind and heart. It wasn't appealing. At all. If I died while freeing the deity, then I would have lived a very short and unsatisfying life. A life of solitude, sometimes self-imposed. A life of pessimism and fatality where nothing could happen without a reason. A life without hope of a better tomorrow, a life without the big love affair I think I deserved to have. I wanted a life filled with joy and love and how ironic was it to realize that when I would probably just end up dead in a short while? He didn't quite know how to address my situation because he didn't bother with human emotions but he felt I was in turmoil.

I wrapped my arm above his and entwined our fingers to give him a sense of security and normalcy. My mind might have been wandering but the warm sensation in my body, the afterglow of our lovemaking. no wait, it wasn't loved.. of our sexual intercourse was still on me. I bit my bottom lip as I tried to find some strength and wiped out tears I tried to hide from him.

« Are you alright? » He finally managed to ask, to which I replied with a nod. I was alright. The most alright I could ever be.

« Well, you gave me my first orgasms. We can celebrate this. » I said, half-joking.

He did make me feel like never before, satisfied me in ways I never knew I could be and helped me rediscover my body but it was my heart that was shattered because I realized that the best I ever had might be the best I could ever have. I couldn't complain, he gave himself to me, had me have a taste. It was more than I could ever hope for. He smirked smugly, as Pride always did and kept kissing the crook of my neck.

« You weren't so bad either. You promised I would get addicted but I don't think it worked. » He said seductively, inviting me for another round. I sighed softly and thought to myself that if that was the most I could get, then I would get it shamelessly, without having second thoughts for the poor soul entrapped within me, at least, not when we were having sex. I had all the time to have remorses afterward but would it be fair for me? My life was limited and fragile so maybe I deserved it. I wasn't a homewrecker. I was a woman in love. I smiled and turned around to face him and his cerulean eyes.

« I think we need more tests... you weren't very receptive but the second test would be better. I'm never wrong. » I said, as I bit his bottom lip and let my hands ran over his chest. Pride grunted and lifted my naked and supple leg up to his waist.

I wasn't a homewrecker but I did deserve to be wrecked both metaphorically and literally that night. It wasn't time for regret because my life was at stake so I decided to ignore and push back any remorse for the evening. He granted me a gift, who was I to refuse it?

you don't deserve it

You don't deserve an unhealthy relationship. You don't deserve to have someone who gets off by breaking you apart! You don't deserve that shit!

You don't deserve years of traumatism, years of building yourself back up, years of wondering if you're enough for someone. You don't deserve that shit!

You don't deserve to be unable to trust anyone or always envision the worst when you meet people. You don't deserve to stop mid-sentence because you're convinced something you're about to say is shitty or annoying or don't deserve to be heard! You don't deserve that shit!

You don't deserve to shield yourself from the world because you're sure that they'd be better off without you. You don't deserve to question every single new relationship you have because you're not sure you can make/keep healthy relationships!! YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT SHIT!

You don't deserve to be bitter and pessimistic because "well, with the luck I have, I'll ever find someone who would want to kill me or someone who'll walk away because of who I am"! You don't deserve to have PTSD and panic attacks because someone gets close to you and you didn't notice, or when someone is nice to you and interested in a romantic way, or when something happens and reminds you of how you were abused. especially when it's a song! YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT SHIT!

People always talk about abuse as if it was a joke or if the one who got into the relationship "should" have stepped up or left. You never got into one, how DARE you victim blame. The victim is already blaming themselves once they got out of it (which they shouldn't. because abuse is not an easy thing. most of the time they would play on your insecurities, and work their way to isolate you and keep you in that I give you crumbles of "love" so you owe me because nobody would ever love you, especially not like I do).

I can speak for myself but I'd rather not tear open a wound that hadn't stopped bleeding but I will speak for those who can't. You do not deserve any of that shit. regardless of the relationship, you are in (family, friends, romantic) you DO NOT DESERVE THAT SHIT. it's not on you, it's not on you and I really wish I could let you know how much you matter and how much you're important too.

History is important

A/N: This stems from a conversation I had with a friend about the importance of Remembrance Day. About all those monuments we have IN  FRANCE that celebrate the bravery of resistance, honours the victims of the Holocaust along with the those monuments about slavery (and by extension the end of the colonial era/independence of many former colonies) along with testimonies of love, the wall of peace of UNESCO etc.. I was frustrated about how History was lost to humanity since day 1 but she convinced me to keep an optimistic point of view about it. Hence this piece :)

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History, for me, is and should always be the mirror you look at that tells you not to repeat the same mistake your elders did and continue the greatness they started. It should be as plain and as simple as that but it seems to escape even the most valiant heart and cunning mind. I think that we, as humans, aren't able to cram it into our skulls that we shouldn't let certain things happen again. After all, we had Afro-Caribbean slave trade, civilizations built with exploiting the work of the weak and vulnerable. (like the Natives). Civilizations built by exterminating or reducing greatly a nation that used to be there before (The Ainus in Japan, the Aboriginals in Australia, the Natives in America) Such a shame. Such a terrible shame. It STILL goes on today, different target, usually women and children of both genders and sexes. Same purpose, different scope, and different perpetrators It's not civilization as a whole, it's just a bunch of people who can get rich by exploiting others. Same troubles, different scale, different purpose. It's not to build a nation (not that it justified anything by the way. It didn't.). It's simply to have some people enjoy other people bodies, tears, and pain. Power and money, that's what drive people to this day.

We had World War I, « the last of the last » we thought it would be and yet WWII followed right after, and the cold war (with countries in between those two blocks suffering from the conflict) and today, warfare has changed if you didn't know, technology followed, improved and changed the face of war forever. More countries are caught in between fires and serve as tactical space to win over. Usually ? Those countries in Africa and the Middle East and eastern Europe are the ones who fall the hardest. We all know it, or do we? What have we learned over the last millennia? What have we learned and changed? In my opinion? We've barely started to acknowledge that other people actually do have feelings, different lives and are different yet so similar. We wish we were in an episode of Star Trek but we're not, we're far from it. There was progress but progress was falsely believed to have solved everything. Women finally got the right to vote in 1945 after centuries of being the target of humiliation, sometimes murdered (remember Olympe de Gouges? beheaded because she dared to write a declaration of women rights?), sometimes jailed, most of the time brutalized. People of color had to fight harder and faced death every time they tried to get free (Algeria war everyone? to say the very least), gay bashing was a thing, still is today but it's more subtle. interracial couples had and still have to suffer from some serious issues from both sides of their families due to stereotypes/prejudices, let's not even talk about how mixed-ethnicities babies have to handle just existing! it's still there, still a thing! Disabled and mentally ill people did and still have to suffer from discrimination. Even in 2016 in spite of progress being made. Guess what? Progress didn't solve everything. We hadn't solved racism, xenophobia, ableism, and sexism... we haven't solved any of these issues at all, but we're talking about it more and this is an important change and a positive one. Talking and acknowledging there is an issue is the first step towards making sure it doesn't happen again.

Let's take for example France. France is a country with a very very very rough past. I'm not going as far as talking about the Kings and Queens but just enough to enter the 20^th century. WWI and WWII. France is a beautiful country, needless to say otherwise, but it's not a « PURE », "Innocent" country or one without its sins! It has HISTORY and a very bloody one. Looking away at it isn't going to make the issues we face today vanish. France had a colonial empire, my birth country was one of them and only became free in 1960. Most of you might not know how colonies worked, but it was modern day slavery to say the very least. It came with its frustration, random assassinations, in the case of Cameroon we even had a small genocide going on. We weren't many, almost half of us were killed when we rebelled. It is documented, and I read about the use of napalm on my people. How chilling! Most of you don't know how hard France fought back against those countries who wanted freedom, Algeria was a mess, Indochine was an even bloodier mess, foreign soldiers who fought WWI and WWII were treated less than they should have been.etc.. Not talking about the past is, for me,  murdering yet again those who were murdered because they wanted freedom or were different. They deserve a voice, we must listen and digest and make sure it doesn't happen anymore. Cherry Picking isn't going to be a solution either. you have to look at the great  AND the bad to appreciate History and truly loving your country. Acknowledging gets you along I believe.

France fell during WWII, the enemy conquered the land and the terrible VICHY regime started. Regardless of what drove Petain to sign that armistice, he did so deliberately sending to their deaths millions of children and French people of Jewish origins/religion. See! It all started with a registry, it all started with antisemitism that existed WAY before WWII in France and festered like a disease. It all started with accusations, elections, and neighbors way too happy to grasp their Jewish neighbors belonging sand wealth. That is an ugly truth that can't be blinked out of existence. But we can't cherry pick either and forget the GOOD that happened TOO! All the fights to preserve the country, defend freedom, RESIST OPPRESSION (although that latter part is ironic considering colonies existed still.. I'll pass the sneering comment for the sake of explaining my point), RESIST the 3^rd Reich, resist HATE speech. This resistance is what we should look upon and what France tries to pride itself with whenever it talks about protection of human rights and peace.

Are we perfect? No, not at all. Do we have our issues today? Hell YES! We still have bigotry going on kids disavowed because they're LGBTQ+? Yes, we do have it. Women suffering harassment, discrimination, glass ceiling, the « you're only there to have kids otherwise you're not a woman » treatment? SURE they do. Especially sexual harassment, it's a thing we have that is all the rage right now. On the street, in the subway, in the bus. Everywhere. Do we still have racism? You bet we do! I still do experience it, casual racism? Pfft, bigger aggressions? Yes of course! Xenophobia and right now Islamophobia? Yes, we do. Now, more than ever we need to look at the past with wide eyes and realize that yesterday events still have consequences today. Our old fights are still valid today and still NEEDED. It doesn't end. It never really does, what can change and has changed is how we respond to it. and we've been more vocal about it, which for me is a good thing. 

In closure, I'll just give this example. Antisemitism isn't dead. Most people might think it has but it hasn't died. We still have holocaust deniers (yes we have them here!) we have neo-nazis who know they can't parade because they would be exposed to a violent reaction from people who don't forget History. Grandchildren/greatgrandchildren of victims, sometimes victims of extermination camps who are still alive today (not so many are though, bless their souls). We do have cemeteries that are desecrated with swastikas and other racist slurs, we have out conspiration nutjobs who spread their hatred and we have our resident politician who enables and spreads that rhetoric over and over again and his daughter who took over his political party and is « revamping » the thing... smoothing it up while everybody who knows History and knows how to read between lines can tell it's the same rhetoric. Same goal. We had a hate crime against a Jewish boy in 2006 by people who drank the kool-aid and believed all that hateful crap spat day and night on air or in books or on tv. We still had this issue and yet we acted as if it was solved. I don't tell you how shocked French people were when they realized that, « too bad, antisemitism isn't dead ya'll! » What did they do? They made sure to educate, talk about it, condemn it instead of sticking the head in the sand. In here, it's a felony to spread hate speech! Did it help? So far, not too many incidents are reported and hopefully, the numbers would go down. Well, we do have Islamophobia and the other casual racism towards Asians/African that is still there and is still fought against and talked about. So there is that.

 Most people don't try to give a chance to this kind of hatred to keep spreading. Regardless of their political standpoints because at the end of the day whether you're right or left or center, you're a human being who has the choice to be decent or not. History is important. History tells you that, « hey human genocide and despicable war crimes took place a lot in the 20^th century! 1939-1945, 1992, 1994 and so and so... maybe we should look into it and make sure it doesn't happen anymore otherwise why would we bother with History? »

It's not to say "we're better than you" because we clearly are not. I sincerely am a cynical and pessimistic person regarding our ability (including mine) to actually make things better and be different than our elders. But I sometimes surprise myself when I can go beyond everything to help someone else and I do get surprised by people, extraordinary people who in their ordinary selves found the strength to keep doing as much good as they could do. I have a lot of respect for people who can go out of their way to ensure others are safe and feel good. it doesn't have to be a big action. A simple act of kindness goes a long way. Comforting a stranger, giving your food to a hungry friend, protecting a scared person that was assaulted in front of you. Even just saying "it's not right" in public, call the police or the ambulance, make sure that old lady who fell can sit back and is okay is already beautiful especially if the only thing that crosses your mind is "this person needs my help". I've seen so many desensitized people that I honestly weep when some treat others like actual human beings.


know we're far from being a Star Trek episode, but in spite of being a cynic heart, I still have a tiny hope we could get there if we really work hard for it. 

We need to be better than our elders, we need to set an example for our future children. We certainly shouldn't turn a blind eye. We shouldn't turn a blind eye at other people being in trouble, especially friends, family, and strangers. 

So yes, History is important, remembering is important as well as teaching how it happened, why it happened and how not to let it happen again.

My Suicidal tendencies, how to explain them

I don't always talk about it because there is no good way to begin a conversation involving death. I tried to subtly mention them with my drawings or some stories. I tried to alert people without being too upfront that yes, I do have suicidal tendencies and that maybe one day, I wouldn't be here anymore because I decided to jump the shark. How to explain these? I tried to tell my family but aside from my twin, the only response I have is "Don't do that, think of how badly you'd hurt us if you do." or "Didn't we give you enough? why do you have to repay us this terrible way." or "What did we do?" I get it, it's all about you. I can't talk about it because I know most people would simply run away. I didn't even talk that much about it to my therapist when  I was still seeing one because I am not used to talking about it.

I'll try here though, at least there should be a place where I can express myself fully. So here we go.  Those tendencies started back when I was 12 years old. I went and OD'd on medication and it really was because my nanny went to clear my parents' room that she found me on the floor and I was saved when they emptied my stomach. I was 12 and wanted to die already.  I don't know why but I know I was in pain. Later on, as time went by and memories of a sexual assault by a male!A nanny who worked at home came back. I got lucky, he didn't penetrate me so I was still a virgin. But I do remember the assault, the forced kisses, the threats if I ever talked about it, his hands roaming all over my body. Me saying no and feeling ashamed and how bruised my lips were because he kissed them hard. It's a disgusting memory, it's a disgusting moment and what makes it even more disgusting is that because I kept my mouth shut, he went on an raped my twin. He wasn't even fired because of that because nobody knew at that time. He was fired over some "minor" incident involving the safety of my little sister who was still a baby when it happened. Some hygiene issue.  I kept my mouth shut, I was 7 so it wasn't my fault but the guilt is still there. the guilt of not having said anything and having my twin suffer for my silence. I guess that's why I tried to kill myself when I was 12 otherwise I don't recall what happened.

Urges have always been there since then. I was pushed near suicide by very abusive people who were supposed to be my friends. I was tempted to do it on my own, especially when I was experiencing down/severely depressed moments. They always happened after a manic phase. I didn't even realize it was a manic phase, bare with me since I have just started knowing I was suffering from mental illness this year. my therapist believes it's bipolarity which could work with all the symptoms I show, but I need a psychiatrist to confirm it's actually this so I could have medication. But if it's the case, it could explain why the suicidal tendencies. It could explain why a simple thought can fester and turn into an excruciating truth. It could explain why I hate myself so much. I still can't love myself. I think I would never be able to. When I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is a failure. All I see is something gross. and you know, I really believe that if I'm gone it's not going to change anything. People would move on. I don't matter. I just don't. And now that I'm thinking about it, it's a feeling I always had, even when I was extremely slim or curvy at the right places. I always thought I was gross. useless, a waste of air and space and skin. People don't see it and can't see it. They can't know it because I can't talk about it. Every day I wake up and wish I didn't. Every time I go to bed, I just wish I would sleep forever. Everytime.

It hurts you know, to be alive. It hurts because you know you can't-do shit. I know I can't-do shit. I'm just designed to be in pain. Every little joy I have to feel like I won the lottery because the rest of the time I am just in pain.  I believe I am alive only to punish my soul for something I did in the past or an ancient life. I am here to expiate my life. I am here to pay a price. Otherwise, I don't know why I am here and why I am in such a pain. I feel guilty to be alive. I feel like happiness is just a concept I'll never fulfill. It's just a dream.  I feel like whatever I do and whatever I say, I'm just hurting people around me. nobody can even be happy to see me. nobody can possibly be happy to see me.  I'm just dragging them down, giving them troubles. people would be far better without me.

How to talk about my suicidal tendencies? I could tell you that what prevents me from hurting myself in the most gruesome ways are phobias.  I can't stand seeing my blood, so I can't use a knife. I want to. I wish I could find some strength to stab myself but it's going to be messy and it's going to hurt and if I miss myself, I'll ruin my poor aesthetics already.  I can't smother myself, I can't drown, I certainly won't throw myself off of the window because I can't stand heights. I can't break my neck (one of the things I hate to see on movies, can't even bring a hand around my neck). The only solution is of course to OD or if I really really feel like it, just be hit by a car, or starve myself.  Last time I tried to drink bleach but I am glad I didn't, it'll be a mess and I might have survived that shit.

So I struggle every day with eating enough not to starve (I still just eat once a day), make sure I'm not playing with knives because I always was this close to hurt myself with them, to the point of having it nearly pierce the skin and I stay away from meds. unless I have to take them (because of course, when I'm sick, I don't take my treatment hoping it could get worse so I could die) That's my daily fights.

This is really funny... I can't even succeed in killing myself properly. See, that's the kind of thought I have to deal with on a daily basis. That's why I can't talk about it to anyone because it's just too much of a burden to carry.  I'm not that great, I'm just terrible and it's only a matter of time before people notice. I guess, fucking life.

of why I love Wolverine

I connect with Wolverine in ways I can't always explain. He is my favorite character EVER along with Storm! He taught me a lot when I was growing up and while I feel sad that today people only keep the lonesome angry animal, I can't stress it out enough. He's more than just an angry animal. (when well written)

Sure, he's a huge walking metaphor. We have a man who at some point in his already complicated (shitty) life, was experimented on, dehumanized and basically forced to return to some animalistic behavior. He ran with the wolves, hunted, lost himself. He was broken! Although he healed, there is still this part of him (the anger of having been reduced to a beast, the fact he lived for so long like this and kept some habits, his past traumas as well and the powerlessness he might have felt every single time he went to war. He did them all after all. We also have a man who makes mistakes or tries to fix other people mistakes too. 

But he's a wise man too. He traveled the world, opened up to other cultures, connected with so many people and constantly shares his knowledge with others. I remember when he comforted Storm after she "killed" Marrow. His words echoed within me even today and it's one of my favorite panels with these two. He's loyal, he's fierce and he is a great mentor. He's a man who despite the darkness and ugliness of the world he lived in and experienced..... he's a man who still fights the good fight.

He could have turned bitter (and had), could have given up (and had for a short while), could have kept his anger in the world and distress (but he didn't). He could have remained a loner (but found a family), even gave his heart several times (Mariko, Jean, Storm..) and found a way to still do good while all he has are lethal claws and indestructible skeleton. He was a broken man who built himself back up and turned everything ugly that happened to him into something beautiful.

Yes, he's gruff and had rough edges, but he also has a loving heart. A kind, compassionate and wise heart. I wish we could see more of this side of him. Of him comforting and teaching both Kitty and Jubilee, of him being in Storm's life, supporting her, helping her, comforting her when she needs it. I could have more to say about him, but I gave you a glimpse :)

TVD: confession

A/N: All usual disclaimers. She finally braced herself to confess her feelings for Elijah in order to move forward. I guess I simply wanted to give them a chance to become actual friends

Also, this is my version of Elijah (whom I adore) so please don't sue me!

xxxxxxxx

Elijah came back several weeks later. He indeed was too busy sorting out where his stubborn brother might have been as well as making sure Freyja recovered thanks to Asma's potion. Asma did as he suggested and went to see more of Mystic Falls. Bonnie already visited her several times for counseling and training, therefore she was able to spend some more time with Elena Gilbert as well. Elena seemed to take pretty easily the presence of supernatural creatures along with witches since she was aware of Bonnie's true nature and powers. It intrigued the witch. Could you be friends with someone who knew about your true identity? She was skeptical and had every reason to be.

Throughout centuries, the witch witnessed how far Mankind cruelty could go. Slavery was the hardest on her because it was her time period. She literally spent every day of her life as if it was her last. When the Mikaelsons freed her and some of the slaves who lived with her, she still was scared of being taken back by other slaves owners and sold again. Meeting her coven truly saved her life and having them watch her helped Asma sleep on her own two ears. Until that very day when she met Klaus and Elijah and was cursed to eternal life by her supreme. You couldn't befriend a supernatural creature, especially not when said creature was a vampire. You couldn't work with any of these because they were evil creatures and natural born enemies. Or so she was told. Or maybe that truly was.

It cost her a lot. Her friends turned their backs on her and she ended up being alone. Years after years, centuries after centuries had her live a very lonely and secluded life. A life she spent mostly being afraid. If it wasn't of being hung or lynched because of her skin color, it soon became of being outed as a witch in the modern world. Bigotry and racism were still part of the country but at least, she could handle it better in this day and age. Mystic Falls was a good city. People were open-minded and welcoming, so opening her shop was the easiest thing she ever had to do. Caroline Forbes' mother always made sure she was fine, looking after her like she was her own daughter and although Asma complained, she appreciated the attention.

Then Elijah asked her to go out and meet people because living a recluse life didn't help her soul. So she went. The pink haired witch met Willa, a woman she couldn't place just yet but who mesmerized her with her sincerity and genuine care. The first contact was pleasant so it encouraged Asma to keep going and meet Willa more often at the bar. She opened-up to new adventures and felt more at ease as time went by so when Elijah came back to her shop, Asma welcomed him with a joyful smile on her face. She closed the door behind him and leaned against it for a while. He noticed something had changed about her. Was it the tight short white cotton dress she was wearing or the fact she didn't bother with the sunglasses at all? He could smell she was relaxed and even more so as she twirled and danced forward her desk. He glanced at her with a lifted brow and gently chuckled as he was pleased with her genuine happiness and he leaned against the desk.

« What? » She asked with a grin.

« You seem to be very happy.  Did you follow my advice? »

« Yes, I did. » She nodded at him and quietly leaned against the table. « I think I made a friend. »

« Who is she? » He genuinely asked as she bent a bit forward.

« Barmaid at the Mystic Grill. I think she's a werewolf but I don't have anything to confirm it. »She shrugged and ran her hand through her hair. Her eyes glanced at Elijah who was curious about this female werewolf he never heard of before. « Elijah. I think we should talk. »

« That certainly doesn't sound ominous. » He tried to joke a little in order to defuse the tension that had started to build up. Asma looked calm and she shrugged her shoulders.

« It's not really... I mean, it depends on what will follow after I dropped my bomb. » She nervously looked at him and then clenched her fists. « Elijah. I think it's not really a surprise if I say that... » She looked into his brown eyes and swallowed a lump. « if I say that I am.. /was/ in love with you. » She took a deep breath and then looked away so she wouldn't be embarrassed by his gaze on her.

« …... » Elijah's hard gaze settled on her as he sincerely took her confession like a slap in the face. Never in the last 800 years did he think that she was growing feelings towards him. They only had small talks, and usually only about what he needed when he came to her. She never gave a hint after all these centuries and he dismissed all the signs. Dumbfounded, the original stared at her with a questioning look on his face. « Was? »

« Yes. » She nodded and gently put her hand over his. « I know this is.... you and I aren't meant to be. I came to terms with that since you left last time. »

« I never knew. » He said in an apologetic tone. She smiled at him and nodded quietly. « You never.. we never talked about it. I mean, How... when? » She shrugged and held his hand tighter.

« It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter when or for how long I had these feelings for you, Elijah. I have them but I realized it would lead us nowhere. Your heart belongs to someone else... I can't fight that. But I want.. I want to be your friend and I hope we could do more than small talks. »The white witch finally admitted. He furrowed his brows, unable to say anything eloquent for a while and then nodded as she made sense.

« I have always been your friend. I owed you my brother's life the day I came to you. I owe you a couple more life-saving moments. » Asma shook her head and squeezed his hand harder.

« It's not about what you owe or what I owe you. I thought we paid our debts already. I am helping you because I care about you. I've been caring about you for centuries now Elijah. »

« I know. I help you for the very same reasons. »

« Then we should spend the rest of our lives to get to know each other better. » The witch suggested, tucking some pink locks behind her ears.

« How do you suggest we do that? » He asked, bemused and less tense than he was a few minutes before.

« No more small talks when you come over for a spell or a potion.  Come back to me whenever you have time to share a meal... It could be a great start. » She said hopefully. The original nodded and gave her a smile of his own.

« That could be a great start. »

« Why did you come over? » She asked, releasing his hand and leaning both her hands on the counter. Her heart was beating faster than usual, which informed the original that she was not at ease. He wanted to ask about her feelings for him but Elijah wasn't the type of person to be nosey. She might not want to answer his questions and might even feel upset so he decided to opt out and offered her his most gracious smile.

« To tell you that my sister is doing better. I wanted to give you an update and thank you personally. Besides, I told you that we could share a cup of coffee so I bought the finest beans I could find. »

He smiled again and then noticed she was shivering. Truth be told, it was easy to say that your feelings were gone and you took a decision but the truth was that they weren't gone. Every time she looked at him, Asma saw unfinished possibilities that could never be explored. At least, the witch confessed her feelings for the vampire, which would make it easier for her to move forward. It was something she did for her own mental safety and it was a complete relief. It hurt, but she finally could breathe next to him. The vampire gently pulled her over his frame to give her a hug.

« There beautiful. I think you needed this. »

She did, indeed.

Half-full glass

I have never felt the way I did in years. I felt empty, shellshocked and had the worst mental breakdown in a while (probably exacerbated by the suicide of my friend three days ago now). Anxiety so bad I couldn't breathe, let alone sleep. I lost Hope. straight away. Hope in Mankind I mean that was carefully initiated years ago but culminated today. Or so I thought.

While the half-empty glass is terrifying because so many people gave into their hatred, fear, bigotry and can't feed themselves anymore so they attack others. I genuinely am worried for some of my friends and wish them to remain safe and thrive in spite of the hard times. I can see people who are frustrated that racism, xenophobia, homophobia are being open and shameless now and do react with the same violence which isn't helping (but oh so tempting). Violence isn't the solution. standing by in silence isn't either.

The good news is that the glass is also half-full. There are tons of people who are wonderful decent human beings, people I know, people I don't. People who fight the good fight and try to include everyone so everyone could have a decent life and be happy. everyone could be respected, everyone could be taken care of if they need help (especially disabled and long-term diseased people and those suffering from mental illnesses -yes it's a disability but I do single it out because most often it's ignored-)

The hardest for me is to keep hope and faith because I lost it. It was so hard to struggle against the breakdown and be half-functioning again but I made it. I made it thanks to people who kept faith in the world and in people. I made it thanks to people who walked me through my meltdown and listened and kept me from hurting myself again. Thanks to people who spoke with wise words and restored Hope in my heart. I started to feel the sparkle of hope in my heart when a friend cheered me up today and gently reminded me of her artwork (below) and of the concept behind it. She reminded me that there is something I am doing that gives Hope to many. Something that gave /me/ Hope when I was wasting away and about to die. Asma that is. Goddess of Hope, main character of my book. One whose Journey involves becoming mature, finding hope and embody it and change the world she lives in into a better world than the one she wakes up to.

The concept made me smile today and cry a bit, because yes, Asma is mostly known for now as a Marvel OC, until my book comes out. She often has those trust exercises where she free falls to see if Steve would catch her. He always does. He never fails to catch her up. Because their bond is strong and he really loves and cares for her. it's an endurance test but he never fails. She knows and he does too.

That simple drawing truly helped me today and I hope it does help you too. I still feel hopeless today but I believe in good people. I believe good will prevail. I believe empathy isn't fully dead. So.. it would be better.

Hopefully, we would feel less bitter and worried as time goes by and we'd still be superheroes in time of need, calling out all the horrors we can witness, helping out those who need our help and protecting the weak and the vulnerable. I know many of you who are superheroes. I know many of you who are regular heroes. I know many of you who are full of love. Thank you for helping me see the half-full glass. Thank you for fueling my fire back. 

we got this! be good to one another!

This is going to be my last post-US election post.

(credit to the artist, if anyone knows who he is, let me know)

I have to remind you that I'm not really into politics even though I do know how they work since I studied them. I'm for the greater good. I stand for decency and love. I stand for people regardless of where they come from to have the right to breathe and exist and for EVIL people (you know, murderers, rapists, people who doxx others, domestic abusers, pedos, those who hurt animals etc...) to be PUNISHED.

But I do have my limits. I sadly had to depart with many people I thought were good people (French people especially), who were violent and wished death/ rape threats upon ethnicities, women (and men) and other religious groups. (including my own, Catholicism). I can't remain friends with people like that, people who are dead serious about that or take it lightly (rape isn't a joke). Man, I studied war crimes, genocides, old and new. I SAW where hatred can lead to. I come from a country which used to be a colony until 1960 and in some ways still is today. I experienced and witnessed despicable acts of racism on a daily basis when I lived there, perpetrated sometimes by beloved teachers we accidentally met at the grocery store. No.More of that shit!

After the shock and the worries [because unfortunately, it has impacted greatly in my country and nervosity is palatable even more now. I recall 2002 and 2012. Let's make sure we don't have it in 2017], I had the time to digest and think.

The first option was the easiest one, fall into despair. Hey, I'm suffering from mental illness, so trust me it was even more tempting to do. It beat me all Tuesday and Wednesday but I stopped right there, thanks to amazing people who gave me hope back and walked me through it in this time of need.

The second option is what I decided to go by. I finally slept through it and thought to myself what was the best thing to do. What I stood for and what I truly wanted. I always say and will always believe that we all think we're better than the rest of the world or people we know. We believe we're so righteous and so strong and we can't-do no wrong. But we can. We're weak like that. We're human like that. We are not perfect and can easily (oh so easily) fall into the pits of rage and hatred. I don't condone violence. it's not going to help. Yes, you're frustrated with the results. I am more concerned and worried about the zealots who could try to force their narrow-minded views on others. Not saying everyone is a zealot (of course not, come on!!!!!) but some are. But violence isn't going to help. It's only going to fuel violence and hatred and do more damage than good.

So what is left to do then?

I will continue as I always have before. I will still post silly memes, pictures, my sketches, more about my book! I will keep making art! Art saved my life literally and still does every freaking day. and I had a project I shared with you and it's still going on! I don't give up on this one.

I don't give up on pointing out what's wrong. Animal cruelty? Rapists, who walk away because "prison would be too hard on them"? Victim-blaming? (cause I have been. I surely should have just died when my ex-strangled me that very morning)? anti-pro-choice? anti-poverty/classist rhetoric? Xenophobia and racism? always against it! sexism? Ableism? anti-LGBTQ+? Injustice in general! I might simply post a status from time to time that tackles these topics or shares an article about a very terrible event (like NoDAPL going on) but in real life, be sure that I'm advocating for every one of these and debate and argue and call out when I see it happen. I will sit next to a woman who's been harassed by a shady guy to give her support. I would sit by a transgender kid who's being picked on by other kids on the subway. I'd always help a pregnant woman who fell on the pavement or an old person on the bus. I'd help as much as I can those around me who are not like me or who are like me.

But I will always keep sending love and positive vibes around. Because that's who I am, that's what I did before and that's what I'll still do. Every minute of me feeling good in a life where my mental illness drags me to the bottom of the pit every second, feeling good is a joy I want to share around. Feeling good is a victory and making sure I'm here for my friends when I can be there is also a priority.

I'm not giving up on this, so please don't give up on this as well.
Don't be an empty promise, keep fighting the good fight and ensure that everyone can exist and feel safe in this time and era. Make sure you don't turn a blind eye when someone is assaulted in front of you. make sure you spread love as well and you call out injustice when you see it. Compassion and empathy aren't dead, unlike what I thought a while ago. you can be beacons of Hope, so please be it.

we got this!

reach out

There is nothing stronger than a genuine bond between two hearts. 

Genuine care and love are the most powerful motivators. I do believe that if the path I walked wasn't an easy one and sometimes was borderline ugly, it was because I was meant to meet all the wonderful people I have in my life today. Their support, love, and care mean the world to me. I savor it as a sweet revenge for the years of suffering I have endured and still do.

There is nothing more beautiful than a genuine bond between two souls.

I believe we can benefit from uplifting one another.I believe there is not such a thing as loving too much, there is not such a thing as not being enough for someone when love is true. I believe in being completely free to be oneself when you are with people you love free of being judged, free of being restrained and I understood it all when I met true love <3

There is nothing more powerful than a genuine bond between two people.

But a genuine bond takes some time to make, it takes a leap of faith, it takes trust. I feel grateful for those who were patient enough to give me time and space to trust them, look where we are today <3 I love you so much. And although I'd rather not think of the day it would end, I will forever remember the good you left in my life.

So yes, bonds come and go, some are stronger than time and life, others can't last forever. I understand that. But a beautiful bond, whether everlasting or short-lived would forever impact you and that other person forever. So please, be good and genuine and loving towards each other. <3

Le bon roi

Le Bon Roi.

Pour tous il était un héro. Le bon roi. Celui qui avait réussis à rendre sa dignité à son peuple et à ramener la paix dans son royaume. Il n'y avait plus de guerre et les envahisseurs semblaient ne plus s'intéresser à son bout de terre. Du moins, c'était ce que son peuple pensait. Il leur avait offert ce que nul autre roi auparavant n'avait pu réussir : la sécurité. C'était peu dire à quel point tout cela n'était qu'une utopie, un rêve bien vendu pour que les plus petits puissent dormir sur leur deux oreilles et que les plus grands se tournent vers l'avenir. C'était un mensonge élaboré pour apaiser le peuple et lui permettre de s'épanouir. Un lourd fardeau qui reposait ainsi sur les épaules du souverain.

Il était las et éreinté par les années passées à secrètement s'assurer que les frontières de son royaume étaient protégées. Entre les négociations sans fin, les menaces proférées par d'autres souverains à son encontre et les tentatives d'invasions qui se répétaient sans cesse, le bon roi n'en pouvait plus. Il avait du mal à tenir le fragile royaume sur ses deux épaules. Il avait en tête de protéger l'intérêt des siens, y compris de ceux qui étaient dans la confidence. Son armée le suivait aveuglement car il avait fait ses preuves sur le champs de bataille et s'était illustré comme un stratège au grand cœur, qui tenait au bien être de ses soldats. Chacun était prêt à mourir pour lui mais même cette dévotion avait fini par le tourmenter. Il ne voulait pas de martyrs déterminés à mourir pour sa cause. Il voulait des hommes sains et en bonne santé, à même de pouvoir protéger leur royaume et surtout, vivants.

Sa compagne entra dans la salle du trône dans laquelle il s'était réfugié très tôt dans la journée. Seul et livré à lui même, le bon roi pouvait se laisser aller. Ses épaules étaient relâchées, ses traits étaient comme figés dans cette perpétuelle expression d'inquiétude qui ne le quittait désormais plus. Il avait l'air grave mais cela n'étonna pas sa femme la Reine Mère, qui, drapée d'une simple tunique orange et d'un élégant foulard se rapprocha de lui, lentement.

« Mon aimé, vous avez encore l'air préoccupé. »

« Pourquoi ne le serais-je pas ? Je regarde ce que j'ai bâti à la force du poignet et je me demande tous les jours combien de temps il me reste avant que tout n'éclate en morceau. »

« Le peuple a confiance en vous ! » Elle essaya de le rassurer, d'une voix ferme. Il laissa son regard se distraire dans le balancement de ses hanches généreuses mais ferma les yeux un instant.

« Justement ! C'est cela le problème. Ils baignent dans l'ignorance depuis bien trop longtemps. Comment puis-je affronter leur regards reconnaissant d'une situation qui n'existe pas ? Nous ne sommes pas en paix, nous ne le serons jamais car dehors.. DEHORS nous avons des ennemis qui guettent le moment propice avant de se jeter sur nous. » Il répondit d'une voix rauque et tonitruante. Elle avait l'habitude de ses accès de colère car elle comprenait qu'ils venaient de sa frustration et de sa peur de perdre les siens.

« Alors il faudra rétablir la vérité, si c'est cela qui vous fait peur mon cher. » La Reine Mère haussa un sourcil, parlant d'une voix égale mais imposante afin qu'il porte son attention sur son visage.

« Je n'ai pas peur de la vérité ! Je ne suis pas sûre qu'ils seront prêts à l'entendre. » Il posa son regard sur celle qui partageait sa vie depuis bientôt cinq longues années. Ils se sont rencontrés sur le champs de bataille et depuis lors, elle n'a eu de cesse de l'épauler dans la dure tâche de souverain. Toujours elle était à son écoute, toujours elle savait quoi dire pour lui redonner la motivation dont il avait besoin pour continuer.

« Ayez un peu foi en votre peuple ! Pensez-vous vraiment qu'ils ne seront pas prêts à reprendre les armes ? Vous souvenez-vous de quand nous avions pris le pouvoir ? Le royaume n'était que ruine et destruction. Chacun se faisait la guerre, il n'y avait pas d'unité... » Elle glissa ses doigts le long de la nuque de son époux, raidie par l'inquiétude « Vous êtes arrivé et avez inspiré l'espoir à votre peuple. Cet espoir a guidé la main des révolutionnaires.. Notre main. Nous avons repris le pays en main et tout naturellement vous avez pris le pouvoir. Chacun d'entre nous sait se battre, chacun serait prêt à donner sa vie pour maintenir ce que nous avons accomplis tous ensemble. » Elle décida de s'asseoir sur les genoux du roi et enlaça tendrement son cou.

« Je ne sais pas... » Il secoua la tête, à moitié convaincu par les paroles de sa femme qui n'abandonna pas pour autant. Elle esquissa un petit sourire qui intrigua le souverain.  « Pourquoi riez vous ? »

« Je vous trouve..... Je vous trouve adorable, comme le serait un enfant. Vous avez tellement peur de perdre ce que vous avez bâti que vous vous enfermez dans l'inertie. » Ses mots piquèrent tels une abeille et le roi fût saisi d'une grande colère, qu'il laissa éclater.

« Qui traitez-vous d'enfant ?? Vous savez que ces mains ont tué bon nombre d'hommes !!! »

« Les miennes aussi ! Vous ne m’impressionnez pas ! » Rétorqua t-elle en grimaçant.

« Que dois-je donc faire pour que vous cessiez de m'importuner ? » Grogna t-il.

« M'écouter sans m'interrompre. Je vous laisserai tranquille si mes mots ne vous atteignent pas, votre Grâce. » Elle était déterminée et il savait bien qu'elle ne le laisserait tranquille que lorsqu'elle aurait atteint son objectif. Le bon roi hocha donc la tête, lui donnant son accord. « Enfin une décision censée ! Je peux comprendre vos hésitations. Vous pensez qu'après autant d'années de paix relative, le peuple ne serait pas prêt à replonger dans le chaos. C'est là que vous vous trompez ! Être un roi ce n'est pas porter sur ses épaules tout le poids du monde. Vous le faites constamment au risque de vous briser le dos, mon amour. Je vous aime et je vous respecte et c'est pour cela que je vais vous dire ce qui va suivre. Vous êtes plein d'illusions si vous pensez que cela est votre fardeau. Vous commettez une erreur qui vous enterrera plus vite que le dernier homme qui a péri sous vos mains. Un bon roi est un roi qui inspire. Un bon roi est un roi qui se tourne vers l'avenir et qui tient à cœur le progrès de sa nation. Un bon roi est un roi tel que vous ! En reprenant le pouvoir vous avez apporté ce que nul autre avait fait auparavant : l'espoir. Cet espoir a bâti cette nation, l'a tourné vers l'avenir. Cet espoir nous a fait grandir et nous a donné envie de protéger ce que nous avions gagné. Vos hommes vous admirent et vous respectent parce que vous êtes comme eux. Nous sommes comme eux. Des gens du peuple qui ne veulent que le bien commun. Vous vouliez protéger cette paix que nous avions et vous avez pris vos décisions. Nous le savons tous mais vous semblez l'ignorer délibérément. Ayez confiance en votre peuple, mon aimé ! Ayez confiance en nous ! Les ennemis que nous avons ne réussiront pas à détruire ce que nous possédons. Alors cessez de suite d'avoir cette mine renfrognée et partagez le poids du monde avec les vôtres ! »

il la regarda pendant quelques instants, incapable de savoir comme réagir face à ses déclarations. Elle avait raison depuis le début, comme d'habitude. Ce n'était d'ailleurs pas le fait qu'elle ait raison qui choqua le souverain, non ! C'était la passion avec laquelle elle s'exprimait, le désir de se battre qui transpirait dans chacun de ses mots qui avaient encouragé le roi à retrouver la foi. Lui qui était d'une humeur sombre depuis le matin, avait finit par radoucir ses traits et à prendre son épouse par la taille. Ravie, elle lui vola un baiser avant de tenter de se défaire de son étreinte. Se rendant compte qu'il ne la lâchait toujours pas, elle finit par abandonner et à rire tout doucement.

« Je me demande ce que je ferai sans vous à mes côtés. » lui dit-t-il d'une voix solennelle.

« Vous nous conduiriez à la ruine ! » Lui répondit t-elle du tac-au-tac sans battre des cils. Il haussa un sourcil mais finit par rire à son tour. C'était un rire qui venait des tripes, un rire plein de soulagement, un rire plein de promesses. 

Mike Oldfield - [Nuclear] [HD]

My FEELINGS!

Pride and Asma : Unbreakable

A/N: like the title says:) she's unbreakable! Love is. My precious babies <3 Just heads up about what's going on inside of Asma. I won't always mention her interaction with Elpis or have Elpis intervene as much at the beginning, but she's still fighting the good fight inside of the young woman. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 thank you so much darling, for the opportunity and fun <3

Pride belongs to my friend Nate

Asma belongs to me

xxx

She heard the pleas of the human to let her be and shook her head as she refused to let it happen. So many centuries spent in darkness would never change her mind or make her forget. « I will find you. » was more than her famous last words. I was an oath she intended to keep. She managed to scratch the seal and weaken it enough for Pride to find her meatsuit, but then came the most difficult part of the whole process: keeping her body alive and convincing the human to give her life to her. It was an act of selflessness that humans weren't known to have but Elpis kept hope that this human would be different from the others. They shared a lot of similarities and maybe this one was more sensitive to what was actually happening than any of her previous hosts who simply ignored her very existence regardless of the numerous oddities their loved ones pointed out.

Millenia spent in this dark room with nothing more than herself to keep her company could have had broken her down. But it didn't. Instead, the longer she spent trapped within someone else's mind, the more determined to break free she was. The reason was simple. It was for Pride. It was because of him and it would forever be for his sake that the goddess wanted to be out. She was in love with him, a love so tremendous that it could shatter the very universe, literally and figuratively.

Yes, it was a romance that should have never happened, like those Romeo and Juliet kind of stories. Pride was her mortal enemy, a sworn enemy of the primeval gods she should be fighting instead of loving. Yet she couldn't help but fall in love with the SIN, casting away the very morals and laws of her people to be with him. And even in such a situation of everlasting reincarnation, the goddess didn't regret a single day spent with him.

He might have forgotten her over the centuries, she still cherished the memories they shared. She remembered the very first moment they met, kissed, made love and argued. She remembered his stubbornness which could be cute but very quickly unnerving and she remembered how he would make up to frustrating her with unique and beautiful presents he would bring from other realms, with a smile and several kisses. Throughout her millennia of punishment, it was his face that helped her handle time. It was the promise of finding him again, holding him in her arms that drove the goddess and have her keep trying to weaken her seal. Asma, the current host, was way easier to play with and they probably were so compatible that it allowed for the seal to slightly be weakened.. enough for her to reach out to her beloved who quickly found her.

« I will always find you. » It was more than an oath, it was their future.

He found her. He found her among billions because he caught her psychic print and cry for help. He caught her presence and his memories were restored. He found her again and from now on, she was sure he would do anything he could to have her come back to him. Love was an unbreakable bond and her siblings knew this. They realized Elpis couldn't be swayed into hating the SIN anymore, therefore, they had to take her down before her feelings for the creature caused their doom. Elpis hoped in a different future where she and Pride wouldn't have to deal with the shenanigans of their siblings. She hoped in a world where the two of them could exist in harmony, far from humanity but not too much so she could keep influencing them in a good way. But her siblings decided otherwise. Ishtar forced her into this never-ending punishment, locking away Hope from the world and the result was an actual disaster. A world without Hope was a gloomy world where everything and everyone had their life already written on stone. Nothing could change and nothing would change. It was disheartening to say the very least and motivated Elpis to leave the body she was in.

She usually wouldn't bother after so long, because there were so many bodies, so many souls she had to co-exist with that ultimately, it shouldn't have mattered if this host died. Elpis grew fond of that little human, mostly because she was able to translate so vividly her memories of Superbia, but she was extremely sensitive to the whole situation. Of course, she was scared, she didn't understand what had just happened to her, but she could understand and she could willingly give her life to save Elpis when the time would come, at least the deity believed in it. She felt and grew with the human and realized that she had a lot of unfulfilled dreams, a lot of passion and love within her she suppressed greatly due to the lack of Hope and all of this made Elpis want to help in any way she could. Alas, she couldn't help because she was entrapped within said human so all she could do was try and send her hopeful vibes, thinking that maybe it could influence her. It did. It did greatly. It did so well that Asma was a little more welcoming of the idea of a SIN and of this tragic love story between him and the entity that was inside of her.

Love was strong and because Ishtar feared it, he tried to imprison his sister but it only fueled her love for Pride even more. It allowed /her/ to set herself free enough to be found and it will help the two of them find a way to set her free completely. Love.. love was unbreakable. As her long flowing pink locks floated around her frame, she looked up to the dark « room » she was locked in. A golden aura still surrounded her curvaceous frame that was wrapped in a gold and white dress. She put her hands on her heart, closing her eyes for a while as she tried to communicate with the human, in response to her panicked burst of words and a poor attempt at contacting the goddess. The room was still dark but she could see a faint light pierce through the darkness. What could it mean? Could it mean she could talk to her host? Shrugging at first, she tried to talk to her.

« I apologize for putting you through this Asma. I didn't choose this life, I didn't choose to be punished the way I was and trust me if I could go back in time and fix things I would have already. I know you are scared and I know you want to go back to my sibling and bargain your freedom but I beg of you not to. I beg of you... If you do that, not only would you die on the spot, but I would lose the ONLY chance I have to find Pride. It would start all over again.. he would forget me all over again! I refuse, so bear with me human. Bear with my selfishness for a while. Don't go near them. »

The faint light disappeared, urging her to scream « No no no no no NO !! » before she hit against the walls of the room and sat on the floor. It was useless, she couldn't communicate with her that way. Little did she know, that she reached out to her host's mind and slightly influenced her so she would speak out loud to Pride and share that terrible idea. It would give /him/ the opportunity to turn her down and prevent the disaster from happening... So, all wasn't lost. There still was hope.

There still was Hope.

(TBC)

TVD!Asma: a brand new world

Asma Jensen (TVD): A brand new world

A/N

This is 

xxx xxx

« Why are you doing this to me? I did nothing! I did nothing! »

Echoes of the past, screams, and tears. As she brewed the potion for Freyja, the white witch couldn't help but question her relationship with the Original. He saved her 800 years ago, from her master's brutality. A day which should have been horrific for her turned into celebration and freedom. Elijah and his siblings came into the plantation and slaughtered every master they could find. She would never forget the day she met the brunet. Her master was above her, ready to rip apart her clothes when he was beheaded with one swift motion of Elijah's hand and she was splattered with blood. Her terrified gaze set upon the man who simply left after he tossed around a handkerchief for her to use. She asked for his name, in a trembling voice and he gave it to her in exchange of hers. At this time, she didn't see him or his siblings kill the other masters or kill some of the slaves who witnessed their deaths. She didn't know they were vampires and truly believed they were gentlemen who simply righted the wrongs.

They met again, several years later when she grew up into a powerful white witch. Her coven was well hidden and extremely protective of one another. Always on the move until they would reach the kinder North where they would start all over again. It could have just seen it. The story of a witch who was saved by a vampire and who grew old and died. Unfortunately, life took a different turn. Elijah came back into her life, discovered she was a witch, almost accidentally since they were both in the same place. Once he was sure she indeed, was a witch, he came to her when Klaus found himself into another predicament and asked for her help. It was a shocker for the young woman who discovered that her savior was her sworn enemy. A vampire. Yet, she didn't hesitate and performed a counter-spell on Klaus that saved his life. A witch of her coven saw the whole scene and reported her to their supreme, who in turn punished the young Oya to eternal life.

« Since you love those freaks so much Oya, you're going to live like one. You would be cursed with eternal life, unable to bond with anyone in fear of watching them perish in front of you. You would never be loved. You would forever be alone! »

And she cursed her. Her hair turned pink, her chestnut eyes were now golden.. she was forever marked by the curse and couldn't hide, at least not at the very beginning. She had to be distant from other people, had to refrain from helping others and expose her witchcraft and spent very lonely centuries. Elijah was the only company she had and even his visits were very occasional. He always came to her because he needed her help. It always was a sibling or himself but she accepted it. She felt compelled to, because he did save her life and because she was meant to help others with her gifts. So today, when Elijah came to her because he needed a potion for his sister, she didn't complain. But she started to resent him.

Elijah walked around her shop as he always did. He enjoyed the way she organized the place. It was tidy, neat and it smelled good. She followed him with her golden orbs, allowing herself to remove her sunglasses when he was around because he knew her. She wanted to say something, ask him why he only came to her when he needed her help and not because he wanted to see her? She wanted to ask him how come she knew about his life, every single bit of it but he didn't ask about hers? She wanted to ask him what she meant for him but then realized it would be stupid to ask because she knew the answer. She came in handy. She owed him. She allowed him to have this relationship with her so she should put all the blame on herself, to begin with. He looked at her for a brief moment and smiled. Her knees became weak and she had to hold onto her table not to fall.

Her heart was knocking against her ribcage as she couldn't help but think he was quite attractive. Parts of her wished that he did came to her because he wanted to see her and see how she was doing, but in this age and year, she realized that it wasn't the case. Besides, as the two of them small talked, he mentioned yet again, Hayley. She noticed it in the way he said her name and the way his eyes gleamed that this Hayley had to be very special to him. It achieved to break her heart. Asma, as she called herself now was certain he probably heard the sound but wouldn't understand what that meant since they never talked about their relationship.

« The potion is almost ready. » She informed him until she took a deep breath and looked around for a trinket to rely on so she wouldn't feel as pathetic as she felt right now.

« Thank you, Oya. You're always so helpful and thoughtful. »

« It's... Asma now. Oya is dead Elijah. Dead from the very day I was cursed. » She mentioned to him with bitterness in her voice. He heard it well, and it did make him feel guilty. That was the reason he always came to her for help, so he could keep an eye on her and make sure she didn't need anything and always she seemed to be well-off by herself. He lacked sensitivity to actually realize that she needed his company but not enough so he didn't see that he would have to play along and comfort her to keep her from turning against him and his family. He walked towards the witch and gently put a hand over hers.

« Asma, I apologize. I should have known better. » She looked up to him, to his tall frame and his glorious jaw. Her breathing became more labored and she chewed at her bottom lip.

« It must come in handy for you, that I am immortal. So you could have some white witch at your disposal for a quick potion, a difficult spell ?. » She sneered at him before she looked away from his face. « Look... Elijah, I'm just saying.... you could come over more often. I could really use some company. After all these centuries, I think I have deserved to spend some more time with you don't you think? »

« I wish I could stay longer, but always I do have an important matter to deal with. I am keeping in touch with you and have someone around to watch upon you. »

« I can handle myself very well Elijah. I am a witch, remember? I am not looking for protection. I am looking for....companionship. » She managed to say and yet still wasn't able to tell him how she truly felt for him. What was the point? He was smitten over that Hayley and if it wasn't Hayley it would be someone else like it used to be Katherine. He held her hands tighter and gave her one of his secret smiles. One that never failed to make her swoon.

« I promise, I'll be back as soon as possible and we could talk. Besides, if you're looking for companionship, I can certainly advise you to go out there and make friends. You can't spend your eternal life on your own. »

« I survived 800 years already. » She lost hope. At this point, he was basically telling her to see somewhere else for companionship. He meant well, she knew it, but it stung really hard that he'd rather have her meet other people than spending time with her. She faked a smile. « I can survive eternity on my own as long as nobody's troubling me. » Bullshit! She couldn't. Not anymore. 800 years were too much already and she cruelly needed companions. He knew that after having spied on her for so long so he simply smiled and kissed the top of her head, as he always did when she was grumpy.

« No. You can't. » She didn't move and simply glanced at her cauldron.

« It's ready. Let me put it in a bottle for you. » She said, fumbling around until she found the empty potion bottle she used to store her potion. « There. Freyja should not worry anymore, in a matter of hours she'll be back onto her feet. If she ever needs to learn new defensive spells, she can knock on my door anytime. » Her voice was heavy and he noticed but he simply smiled at her, took the potion and waved his goodbyes. She watched him leave her shop and closed behind him.

They had that complicated relationship she was perfectly aware of. One where she felt grateful he saved her life and he felt grateful she saved Klaus. He watched her, she always knew that, but he said it again as if to reassure her that he didn't just use her abilities to extricate himself or a loved one from a complicated situation. She watched him, by helping him with her spells and yes, they had small talks everytime he found her so they knew where each other were at with life but it ended there. It couldn't grow into anything else and she knew that.

Asma craved companionship, she craved to talk to others, have friends. Yes, Bonnie and Elena often came to her shop so Bonnie could be taught a few things about white magic and both could receive emergency help. But Bonnie was a fellow witch who didn't know the whole story and was busy helping vampires. Damon was handsome, really tortured more than her and there was the issue, or so they thought. He needed stability in his life, he needed a woman who would not be afraid to do crazy things and talk to him straight in the eye when he was straying away. Elena was that for her. Elena was different from Asma because she had friends, she had a life. Asma was still afraid to walk around and make contact because of her immortality. She already lost her family, her friends and even worse, her coven, some 800 years ago because she helped a vampire. So, if she couldn't help Damon why would she be around him? If she couldn't help Stefan how could she be around him? Or maybe she believed she couldn't help them because she never met them.

He urged her to trust herself and go out there, meet people, allow herself to become more than the scared little soul in her boutique. It was a sound advice he gave her and maybe the first step she would make to move on as well. She wanted to experience life, find love, feel safe and laugh and cry and love.. she wanted all of that and she was ready to get it. The pink haired witch grabbed her green bomber jacket and wrapped it around her long white summer dress. She would go out there and let fate decide for her!

(TBC)