TWD: losing game -part 1-

// ALL usual disclaimers! After the beautiful solo written by Lou, I had to respond. I split it in two. I haven't touched these characters in years but...I would this one time. It's an attempt at getting back in the saddle, and breaking out of my funk <3 Amelia is Lou's main OC, (the other one was Abel) Asma is mine. (and the other one was Ahmed).

Lou, Thank you so much for thinking of me, for writing such a beautiful (and sexy!) scene with my Asma, and for trying to give me some confidence back in my stuff. Your Negan was spot on! I worked on this piece to both give tribute to you (your fucking pieces are so amazing ! Even 3 years without writing, you kick ass ! I'm not worthy <3) and an attempt at keeping my promise to still write, no matter what. <3 <3 Part 1 is all about your Amelia and the aftermath <3//

Alexandria, 10 am.

Amelia was lost in her thoughts. She watched as Rick started to lecture her. She didn't pay attention to who was in that room with them, Daryl, Rosita, and Michonne.. it didn't matter to the woman who was deep into her thoughts. They were screaming but it felt as if she was in her own echo chamber, only listening to her own voice, her own screams. Her chestnut eyes were staring at an agitated Rick's figure but some black strands of hair teased her nose. He pointed at her and was walking in circles. His figure was blurry for Amelia but his eyes were clear for her to see. They were angry, disappointed even but most importantly worried. He was worried about her, about what could have been. What the hell was she thinking? How could she go to the Sanctuary on her own? On a pathetic suicide mission to rescue Asma? How did she think it would go? It would have been a miracle if Negan hadn't killed her on the spot and even sent her back home. Her action could have put the whole refuge in jeopardy. Amelia knew, but she didn't give two shits about it. Her eyes were defiantly staring at her leader and she curled her fingers into fists.

Several weeks ago, the Saviors and Negan came to Alexandria, they ransacked the place, killed Spencer and Olivia, and threatened almost everybody. Negan spotted Asma and started to taunt her but she held her head high, defiant despite her body shaking by his mere presence. He taunted her even more and she ended up hitting him with her head, making him punch her guts and punish her by killing Abel. The tall and broad blonde guy was one of Asma's former crew members. They met at the beginning of the Apocalypse and traveled together with the rest of Asma's group (Amelia, Sun, Ahmed). She watched as he fell to the ground, a bullet hole in his head, and heard the sick laughter of Negan as he enjoyed himself. Flashes of that day came back to the woman who still couldn't hear what was said to her. Because she could barely stand, Daryl gave her a chair so she could sit. Her hands were on her knees, holding onto it as if she dared herself to feel anything. Her body was cold, it felt as if she couldn't leave herself and drown in her memories. But she couldn't. Rick's voice kept pulling her back into reality. He finally walked closer to her and put his hands on her shoulders. The Eurasian looked at him, this time fully back into reality with the other members of the room.

« Amelia...Amelia, I get it. Asma is your friend and you want to save her. » Her chestnut eyes became more intense but her jaw refused to move just yet, preventing her from snapping at him. « But what you did was stupid! You could have been killed. You could have had Asma killed too. » His words felt like a slap in her face. The woman's eyes grew wide as she shot him an angry glare. How dare he say she put her friend's life in danger with her action? While he was becoming Negan's bitch, she had the guts to try and stop him. She went there with an assault rifle ready to kill anything and anyone in her way...despite knowing she wouldn't have made it alive. It didn't matter, as long as she at least tried. Her voice came out like a growl. She shrugged her shoulder to make Rick remove his hand from her and spat in his face.

« Doing nothing is what will kill her. Doing nothing is what will kill her Rick !! I have already lost all of my people. They... I have lost all of them. I can't afford to lose Asma. » She looked away from Rick. Amelia's body became stiff and her lips trembled.

« I know you're emotional... » -He began with.- « But Alexandria is your new home, its people are your people too. You can't take an action without weighing the impact it would have on all of us. »

He said dryly. He was right, in a way, they accepted to embrace Alexandria as their home and their people as theirs when the group came. Amelia was aware of that but she couldn't think rationally when one of her own was in danger. Rick knew how she felt because he felt the same way when he arrived. It was his group against the Alexandrians. He remembered when he pulled a gun at them, calling them weak, saying he would take over and rule it and they should be thankful because at last they would be prepared for the worst of the worst. Amelia reminded him of who he used to be before Michonne knocked some sense into him and he started to accept that he shouldn't give into his urges and old ways.

« You don't know /shit/ about me Rick! Stop pretending! Michonne would have been in Asma's shoes you would have done everything to rescue her! You know you would! Or Carl for that matter! So don't come and try to calm me with your bullshit! Asma is my family! She is! »

She shot him another death glare. Rick understood what she went through, he wanted to tell that everyone in that room had lost a loved one. Everyone experienced what she went through and grieved in their very own way. It was true that he didn't know her well, Asma's group being one of the most recent additions to Alexandria but they were not so different from him. He wanted to say something, but he knew she needed to vent so he wouldn't cut her off until she said her piece, which she quickly did. Rick leaned against the table of the room, his blue eyes staring at Amelia.

« When the outbreak happened, she found me and saved me! She was scared as hell and clumsy, and yet she saved me. She saved our group. Ahmed..with whom I started to dream of a new life, he gave his life so we could get to Alexandria. She saved him. Sun.. who died when the wolves attacked. She saved him. Abel...who died killed by Negan.. she saved him. She kept us alive until we got there...I thought I thought I could return the favor and save her too. I needed to rescue her. I TRIED...I fucking tried! And guess what ?! She saved me AGAIN! »

She hit her lap with both hands, clenching her fists as hard as she could. Her guilt was easy to read on her face. Michonne's features softened slightly as she could relate to Amelia's desperate attempt at paying her debt back. She felt like she owed Asma and failed her.

« What happened there, Amelia? » Daryl asked, his eyebrows furrowed as he was worried about her.

Amelia, despite being guarded with her emotions spent time with him. He didn't talk much but he observed. She was the one who handled transportation in Asma's former group and very often fixed their car and Asma's bikes. Daryl helped her grieve when he allowed her to fix his bike. She didn't say a word at the beginning, save for asking permission to work on his bike. He would watch her check it, fix what needed to be fixed, and then hand him the keys when she was done. It lasted several weeks before one day she finally started to open up. He couldn't exactly consider himself a friend of hers, but they had some sort of relationship... She looked at him, her lips trembling, and unclenched her fingers.

« I tried to infiltrate the Sanctuary to set Asma free... but I wasn't prepared. I-I got caught and was brought to Negan. Considering everything, they should have killed me when they had the chance. » She paused. « Asma was brought along, I guess he wanted to break her mind, make her submit. I don't know. I was defiant, I was ready to die because at least, I would have done something to help her but she stepped in. »

« What do you mean she stepped in? » Michonne asked her. Amelia's body became even stiffer and she looked away once again. Michonne crouched in front of her so she would look at her face. « What do you mean... she stepped in? » She asked again, her voice softer than before. « Amelia...We need to know. »

« Is she... is she going to die? » Rick asked, his gruff voice snapped Amelia out of it and she shook her head.

« Worse....She agreed to become his wife. He... He got what he wanted because of me. She agreed to.. she agreed to... » She allowed a sob to escape from her lips, prompting Michonne to hug Amelia to comfort her. Her eyes stared at Daryl. He nodded and then looked at Rick who ran his hand through his beard. That sounded like something Asma would do. It was making him sick to his stomach, so much so that he left the room to calm his nerves. Daryl followed him while Rosita came to Amelia's side and put her hand on her shoulder.

« You did what you needed to. I would have done the same if I were in your shoes. Hell.. I tried to kill Negan and...Oliva got killed because of that. » She said wiping away the tear that rolled onto her cheek. « She's tough. She'll get through this I am sure. » Amelia looked up to Rosita and shook her head.

« He's going to break her... » She bit back a sob. « He's going to break her if he treats her good if he fucks up with her mind. As long as she can hate him, she can fight him but as soon as she understands softness is gonna mess her up, he will use it against her and it'll break her in pieces. He's good at manipulating others, he's very good at it. He's gonna break her...I couldn't save her. I couldn't! » She said sobbing again as she held Michonne tighter.

« We're going to take you home. You need to rest up. »

« You're going to fight him back, right? » Michonne nodded. « I want to be part of it. I want to have a clear shot and kill this motherfucker. » Rosita smirked and patted Amelia's shoulder.

« Get in line, then. Once you've recovered. » She said helping Michonne get Amelia back on her feet. « I know you feel guilty, I know the feeling. We all do. Asma's tough. He can try as much as he wants to, but he won't get to her. Hold onto that thought. »

Amelia nodded, unable to say anything because her throat was too tight. She wanted to believe Asma would be alright and she would find her once war would happen. They had to find each other again, they had to. And they would.

-TBC-

Oya: Married to the job part 2 (end)

//All the usual disclaimers. It's bloody but I didn't describe it too much. //

Oya was standing near a pile of corpses. The house was the only one on that hill, which allowed for the surviving hunters to gather the bodies of their assailants and start a fire, to prevent them from returning from the dead as ghosts or other monstrosities. Oya watched the fire burn the bodies with an absent gaze. She promised Dean she would be back in one piece, but her body was bruised, she had a swollen left eye, cuts on her arms, belly, and lips. Her shirt was soaked with blood, hers and her assailants. Her hair was soaked with blood as well and her arms were drenched in it. She looked like a mess, but she survived. Next to her was a disheveled and injured Sarah, shaking still that she had to kill humans who came to attack her in her house. Joshua was next to them, held by an injured Tyler who as also watching that bonfire.


When Joshua didn't come for his own dad's anniversary, Oya was starting to feel suspicious. Sarah lost patience and the two left the cemetery to enjoy the meal Sarah prepared the eve. Bethany, Joshua's girlfriend wasn't in town that week and Sarah's husband took the twins to visit his parents, so Sarah and Oya were alone in the big family house. Joshua was supposed to join his sister and Oya at the cemetery but he never showed up, which didn't make them worry at first. Instead, since they were pissed off, both women traded stories about Henry and his legendary temper. He was a good man and an excellent mentor but he was very harsh, harsher than her own father. He was Oya's father's best friend and a second father figure to her, to the point that when he died, her family mourned him like they would mourn their own. 

As the two women heard the front door slam hard, they walked towards it, only to find an injured Joshua and Tyler, who was Joshua's best friend and partner.  Oya became tense at the sight of Joshua and quickly helped Tyler bring him upstairs, to her bedroom. It was the closest to the stairs and there was a first aid kit in her bags. The ebony hunter turned her face to Tyler, a handsome blonde guy whose shirt was stained with Joshua's blood. His hands were coated with the crimson liquid and he was shaking. he seemed pretty roughed up and was barely able to stand up. Given the circumstances, Oya was starting to suspect they were running away from something. Tyler kept on looking at the window as if he was expecting something or someone to come and knock at their door. 

"What happened?" -She asked, almost sounding clinical.-

"We have to move.." He breathlessly said. "We have to move now." Oya eyes shot him an angry glare and she repeated.

"What /Happened/?"  She asked, cleaning Joshua's wound with alcohol.

"Our last case....We uncovered a cult that was kidnapping kids and using them as offerings for a demon. We.. We decided to take them down by ourselves but we didn't know they had a demon with them. Jake and Carl died. Joshua got hurt and I took him here. The demon was taken down but the humans... they followed me. They're coming here."

Sarah made sure the doors and windows were closed and blocked with chairs before she went upstairs. She walked towards Tyler and punched him hard in the face.

"How dare you?!!! You were FOLLOWED? This is the house I raise my kids! my toddlers! How could you be so reckless?!" Joshua groaned in pain and rolled on his side to look at his sister.

"Sarah, I swear, we didn't think.."

"That's your problem, Josh! You never think things through! Why do you think I wanted to be out of this life? I didn't want that! I didn't want the constant danger!" She held back some tears and wiped her mouth. "How long do we have before they come?"

"Roughly? They might already be here." He said. "I'm sorry Sarah. we didn't mean to...We didn't mean.. fuck!" He groaned and rubbed his face, soaking it with the blood of Joshua.

"I have weapons in my bag."

"You came in my house with weapons?" Sarah almost yelled, but she shook her head. "Of course! you're a  hunter. What kind of weapons?"

"I always come prepared, you know I do. you have funs, batons, knives... a couple of grenades just in case. Joshua, can you fight?" Joshua nodded.

"I won't be able to stand up, but I can shoot."

"You're going to stay in the room with Tyler. Sarah..." Oya turned her head to look at her sternly. "I know you're pissed and I'm gonna need you to be pissed at our enemies. We're going downstairs and get as many as we can get. How many are they Tyler?"

"I-I-I don't know.. 5.. maybe 6! I don't know Oya! Shit! SHIT!"

"It's alright! calm down. We can handle 6 assholes if we really want to." Oya sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'll gear up. Josh, You better stay alive." She said as she opened her bag and grabbed her two golden magnum 45 and her African combat knife. She wouldn't need more than these to take down her enemies. Sarah grabbed a pair of batons for she hated guns and refused to use them and the two went downstairs.

"Oya... If we make it tonight, I want you to promise me something."

"Depends on what it is." Oya's senses were acute as she was now paying attention to her surroundings for any unusual noise.

"Come see us more often. We haven't seen you in the last 3 years. "

"You know what it is.. I have to hit the road, I have to go hunt.."

"And you're in Lawrence from what I heard. you live with the Winchesters...You don't always hunt, you could stop by Oya!"

 Her voice was full of bitterness and Oya pinched her lips as she didn't want to respond to that with more venom. There was a reason she avoided the Thomas. She would always remember their dad and ultimately hers. How sad he was when he told her about the death of his best friend, how lonely she felt when her family was slaughtered.. how much she cried for Henry's death and the emptiness she felt whenever she thought of him. She couldn't come back to his house more than once a year for his anniversary because it was less painful. Lawrence was good, she didn't have to think, she didn't have to feel. She might have turned the page on her family life, she still had a lot of issues...So she wouldn't think, she wouldn't come back to Phoenix and she would certainly NOT pay more than once a visit to the Thomas.

"I'll try."

"How come you'll /Try/ We are your family! you should..."  Sarah sighed and lowered her voice. "You should come more often and at least see /my/ kids grow up!"

"Fuck you, Sarah! I didn't ask you to have kids! You have your brother upstairs! he can do.. shhh..."

As the fire kept burning, Oya turned on her heels, unwilling to watch it burn to the end. She rolled her head and yanked it back. Her hazel eyes stared at the sky and she chewed on her bottom lip. It was a gruesome fight they just had. She could have died inside this house and she knew she'd do it in a heartbeat if the opportunity presented itself. She protected Sarah, that was the reason that had her throw herself between the two of them and sustain a stab wound. She couldn't let her kids live without their mother. The cut hurt like a bitch, but Oya chugged down some alcohol. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and closed her eyes.

The memories of the night came back to her. Four men and two women attacked the Thomas house, but Oya only remembered her own violence. She remembered killing the first one, she threw a knife right in between his eyes. She remembered the other deaths too. She shot at another one, pierced her skin with her bullets before the female fell in front of her. Then at some point, she lost her guns and protected Sarah from being stabbed. That's where it was getting blurry. She took a lot of hits. He really didn't miss her. Her body was aching but she pretended she was fine. There was blood everywhere, it would require at least two days of intense cleaning but Oya had to return home.. at the bunker.

"Oya..." Sarah started, making Oya turn around. "NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!" She yelled, slapping the woman's face hard. Oya blinked and rubbed her cheek.

"What the fuck?"

"What did you think you were doing there? You could have died!" Sarah pushed Oya with both hands.

"So could you!" Oya responded, shoving Sarah. Tyler was alarmed by the noise and turned his head around. "SO COULD YOU SARAH! What the fuck?!! YOU HAVE KIDS! KIDS! for fuck sake! how dare you?" Oya shoved her again before she grabbed Sarah by the head and pulled her into a hug. "I will forever protect you. That's what I do." Sarah screamed into Oya's ample chest and then held onto her shirt. "That's what I do. I protect others... I protected you tonight and I would it all over again."

"You could have died." She whimpered. Joshua asked Tyler to turn him around so he could talk to Oya.

"She's right. You could have. We could have.. all of us. I'm glad Oya protected you, Sarah. I brought these assholes home, I wouldn't have taken the risk to hurt you too. Thank you, Oya, for tonight."

"You're welcome...Shhh.. shh.. Sarah.. please, don't cry. I know you're upset. The night was rough on you. Calm down." She said before her phone rang. She took it from her pocket and saw a message from Dean.

[Are you coming back or what?]

[I'll be home in a sec', just saying goodbye.]

She would take a shower, clean her wounds and then explain -or not- to the brothers why she ended up being roughed up and bruised like that. she would tell them about the people who attacked her family.. she would tell them about being soaked with blood and how difficult it is to make it go. She would tell them about the job, keeping how she truly felt that night to herself. The only thing she knew was that she did her job. She felt the adrenaline pumping through her veins and felt a certain satisfaction in protecting Sarah and Joshua.

"Would you stay for the night?" Joshua asked, hopeful for a positive answer.

"I have to go." She said, running her hand through her hair. "I take a shower and then I'm gone."

"Where are you going?" Tyler asked.

"Home."

She was going home.

-TBC-

Chronicles of the Primeval gods: Life and Death of Ayasha: Until we meet again.

A/N: I don't even know if my writings are that interesting anymore, but I'm trying. Ayasha is daydreaming about killing the elder goddess of Light and Hope. I guess her frustration needed to be told.

xxx

Earth...

Ayasha hated Earth. She hated those greasy weaklings her mother loved so much. She couldn't tell what she hated most. The fact they were weak and mortals? The fact her mother loved them more than she did her own children? The fact Elpis fell in love with mankind and protected it or the fact she couldn't influence them. She was the goddess of knowledge and humanity didn't care about knowledge. If they did, they wouldn't make the same mistakes over and over again. They would grow into becoming smarter, more efficient, prolific even but knowledge was nothing in the hands of men... except power. Ayasha had to give it to humans, she learned how to use her abilities to gain power. She might not rule as of now, she would eventually when competition would be erased. Being in the shadows until all threats were dealt with was necessary and she relished in being the one who pulled the threads and made History happen.

That didn't mean she would ever enjoy being on Earth. It already was difficult to walk the Earth without feeling the All mother's essence everywhere. It was also more difficult to walk the Earth knowing Elpis and Pride were there and she didn't know where. For all the knowledge she had, being unable to locate the sin and her sister became a frustration over the years. Why did he insist on saving her? Without Elpis, he would still be the same cockroach he was. He was a tool, a weapon that went loose since he killed Hades in a fit of anger, or maybe for revenge for all Ayasha cared. He should have ignored Elpis' call and let the primeval gods kill her. He didn't. And because he interfered, he was threatening to ruin her plans.

How dared he? Ayasha's skin covered itself in goosebumps whenever she thought of her sibling. She was dreading their reunion and was haunted by memories of their last encounter. Sometimes, Ayasha dreamed of that last moment they were face to face. Maybe instead of waiting, she should have tried to kill her herself. Ayasha still remembered the tempest in Elpis eyes when they argued. She still remembered how much Elpis' voice raised and how she threatened to harm her if she ever tried to harm her or Pride.

Ayasha tried to appeal to her sister's kindness and compassion. She chose her words carefully, in order to hide her real disgust of the situation. She felt that Elpis committed heresy and believed that she soiled herself. She considered Pride to be even less than an animal. A soulless creature that didn't deserve the attention of a goddess, especially not the last born of Gaea and Chaos. Yet, she chose her words and toned herself down so Elpis wouldn't get angrier than she already was. Ayasha believed there was a chance for Elpis to redeem herself and stop insulting her name and her kind. She believed that if her sister stopped seeing the Sin and returned to being the gullible and kind goddess she used to be. She realized the potential hidden in Elpis and wanted to use it to achieve her goals, regain their father's affection and remind everyone why she was the most important goddess of the pantheon. Unfortunately, Elpis was stubborn. She was spectacularly stubborn to the point of being defiant.

Love.... was such a weakness...

Because of Love, Elpis betrayed her kind. Because of Love, Ayasha was disgraced in the eyes of the All-Father. Because of Love, a war broke within the Primeval Gods' realm. Because of Love, Elpis wasn't dead. Ishtar was weak and pathetic. He wasn't able to put an end to the life of his sister and it was enough to drive the goddess crazy with anger. She should have been the one to put an end to Elpis' life. She dreamed about it day and night, while her minions were busy searching for Elpis and Pride. She imagined how it could have ended, what it could have been if the sisters met again. Elpis would be different.

The rebellious young mind would be even more rebellious and murderous. She would be the same as when she destroyed the Sumerian Pantheon. Bloodthirsty, cold, powerful. The thought angered Ayasha whose human vessel broke the glass she was holding. She wouldn't confront her directly. Ayasha wasn't stupid. If they were fighting, Elpis' raw power was far stronger than her. Ayasha had to be smarter than that, so she imagined using Ishtar as the muscle. He would be the one stabbing Elpis in the heart and making her bleed enough to weaken her. Ayasha would finish the job like she did with Sitaa and with Khrön. She imagined her hands wrapped around the neck of the goddess, strangling her. She looked at the glass shards and imagined using them to stab Elpis in the face, over and over again, destroying this poster child of perfection and beauty, disfiguring her so nobody could ever recognize her anymore. She felt the warmth of Elpis' blood run over her hands and chuckled at the thought. Killing her would be so satisfying...Killing her would be liberating.

Her vessel tilted her head to the side and a smile curled on her lips. Elpis might break the seal for good, come back to life, it wouldn't matter because she would be dead. Ayasha's jealousy was through the roof, impossible to measure but palatable. Elpis took everything from her, the respect of her peers, the consideration of the All-Father, the love of her siblings...She ridiculed her, made her feel helpless and humiliated her. There was no universe in which Elpis didn't end up dead. Ayasha tilted her head and quietly said.

« Enjoy your life, or what's left of it Sister. I am coming for you. It doesn't matter if Leviathan succeeds or fails because I would be prepared. I would be thinking of you, Elpis. I would be. »

-TBC-

Oya: Married to the job

A/N: Just trying my hand in this new version of Oya. I want to see if she still « talks to me » You don't have to read, as usual. I'm not forcing anyone.

Xxx

Phoenix, Arizona. -Henry Thomas household-, early afternoon.

« You know... You could have a normal life if you truly wanted Oya. » Sarah's voice echoed in the room as she walked back in with a fresh glass of lemonade she gave the young woman. Oya thanked her and took a few sips.

« Define normal. » She said, leaning into her chair.

Oya told the Winchester brothers that she needed a few days off for herself. She didn't say much and left the bunker to rush to Arizona. It was soon the anniversary of the death of her father's best friend, Henry Thomas. The man who trained her when she was 15 after he invited her over to the USA. She considered him a member of her family and got in touch with his children. Sarah and Joshua.

Sarah was a breathtaking tall blonde with green eyes in her mid-thirties. You wouldn't believe she was a very capable hunter if you glanced at her. With her uncanny beauty, she looked like a model and people would rather associate her with the fashion industry than the gruesome business of hunting. They wouldn't be wrong because Sarah wasn't officially a hunter. She knew how to handle monsters, ghosts, supernatural creatures but it wasn't her dedicated job. Her brother Joshua however, chose to be a hunter and had operated for 15 years now. They shared their father's house where Sarah's family -her husband and twin toddlers- and Joshua's girlfriend lived in.

« Normal as in, having a significant other, kids maybe, a legal job. I mean, you're still young, in your mid-thirties like me. You've avenged your family, so what's holding you back? You can quit this life! » She said, stirring the lemonade in her glass with her teaspoon.

« It's lost on me. All of that.. what you have. » She then shrugged. « I guess it doesn't bother me. I like what I'm doing. I save lives, I hunt.. »

« Oh. I forgot you were raised to enjoy it like sports. You really like tracking down monsters and kill them, don't you? » -She meant to hurt her, but it went past Oya's head.-

She said taking a sip. Oya looked away, her hazel eyes glancing at the pictures of the family on the wall. Henry stopped hunting the moment his wife, Anna, got pregnant with Joshua. He taught his children how to be wonderful hunters and helped his community more than before but he never fully returned to being a hunter. He was happy with the life he led, a normal settled life with kids and wife. It wasn't too different from what she had in her home country but she wasn't living there anymore. She was in the USA and being a hunter was not a job you could advertise for or put on your resume. It was hidden from the oblivious public. Oya stopped considering having a personal life after she lost everything. She was hell-bent on revenge and got what she wanted. Friends came along, the brothers, an angel..she kept them close to her heart and considered them her family. At least they were the closest to it she had. Hunting remained the most important thing in her life, the only thing that gave it a meaning. Saving people, getting rid of malevolent creatures was all she needed. The Winchesters changed her dynamic. She was used to working on her own and would have if she didn't have partners but she made sure she could still work alone for a couple days when Sam and Dean would be hunting together. It felt like old times sake, it helped her keep some autonomy and distance between her hosts and her.

« I do love that yeah. Tracking them down, putting them down...it's part of the thrill. Saving lives is more important of course, but I can't say no to a good hunt. » She said with a large smile. Sarah shrugged and took another sip.

« I'm just saying. You do as you please, but as I grow older and I hear about all those hunters getting killed on the job, I worry about you. »

« Henry never really left hat life. He never stopped being a hunter... I appreciate your concern but I will die a hunter and it's okay. it's okay. » She said holding Sarah's hand. « Some people are meant for lives like yours. Some are made for white picket fences and a dog and kids. I am not and it's okay. I'm great at my job. » Oya meant it. She really loved what she was doing and couldn't imagine stopping everything.

« Don't you feel alone? » Oya simply smiled at her and patted Sarah's arm. She leaned into her chair once again and pointed at a picture of the twins.

« How old are they now? »

« W—what? » Sarah shook her head and looked up at the wall and smiled as she realized Oya was talking about her kids.

« They're 3. Dad died before he could meet them. I want Joshua to live long enough to spend some time with them and I want you too. » She said holding Oya's hand tighter. « I want you to be happy... »

« I am. You are happy and your happiness is mine too. I am thrilled you had the twins and got married and have a stable job. It really makes me happy. » She said with a soft smile on her lips. « I am happy because I can get to fight monsters and save people. I was able to put my family murder behind. It left me ugly scars but..the Asanbosam is no more.  I still have a purpose so I keep moving forward. » Sarah smiled at Oya. She wasn't convinced but decided not to make a fuss about it.

« Okay. You're good. Please, tell me that at least you get laid ?! I mean.. you do get laid right? »

« Ehehe. How dare you doubt this chocolate goodness? » She poked Sarah's shoulder and then looked at a picture of Henry. « I miss him... When my family was murdered, I had no one to turn to, save you. I wanted to thank you for taking me in when I needed a place to crash. »

« There's no need for that! Of course, we took you in. Dad would have, you're family too. » She watched Oya empty her glass to smother the feelings she was starting to have and then smile at her.

« Do you mind if I crash? I'm exhausted from the trip. Tomorrow we go to his grave, right? » Sarah nodded and put her hand over her lips as she felt a little overwhelmed. « I'll be there. »

She stood up and walked towards the bedroom. Joshua wasn't home yet but she was planning to have him fill her in with the case he was working on, so she could watch him while on a mission. She took her phone on her way to the bedroom and texted Dean. [I'm alive and okay. I'll stay two days and would be home soon. I hope you're both fine! Come back in one piece! See you.] She sent it and then crashed into the bedroom she used to sleep in when she lived with the Thomas Family.

TVD: Closer Damon x Asma

A/N: Welp! This is my humble way to say I think of you, okay? Thank you for putting up with my writings <3

xxx

« Elena.»

Her heart sank at the mention of her friend's name on Damon's lips. She ran upstairs as soon as she heard the noise of a breaking lamp and found him twitch on the bed, clearly having a nightmare. She sat next to him, alarmed by the sound of his moans and put her hand on his forehead. He stopped moving but his body was still tense. Biting her bottom lip, the witch tucked some pink locks behind her ear and gently stroked the vampire's cheek. She whispered a soft incantation, an ancient spell to induce peaceful thoughts in the recipient and it seemed to work. Damon's body relaxed against hers and he leaned once more into his pillow. Her large grey cardigan fell on her arm and some pink locks teased her nose, but the witch wasn't bothered by it. Instead, she moved her hand to his heart.

« Elena... »

This time his voice cracked a little. It was a voice filled with love and gratitude. Elena did change Damon's life whether he wanted to admit it or not. She showed him that he could be so much more than the walking disaster he believed he was. She healed some of his wounds, broke some of his heart but all and all, she made him feel alive and worthy of being loved. She never gave up on him, not even when he turned his humanity off, not even when he was under the control of their enemies.. not even when he was a complete asshole. Elena never gave up on him. Asma knew... she did get to know Elena herself, along with Bonnie and Caroline. The girls spent some time at her shop since she met Stefan and Bonnie spotted him there. They got to know the lonely witch and bond with her over drinks, their personal drama, and a few laughs.

« I know....I know you're missing her. » -Her voice cracked too..-

Asma had been living as a recluse for 800 centuries. She never trusted humans or supernatural creatures for they only brought her sorrow and pain. For so long Elijah was the exception. Their lives crossed path centuries ago where he saved her from a fate crueler than death and she later saved the life of his brother, thus leading to her coven casting her out and cursing her with eternal life. Aside from the original, she never befriended anyone in order to survive in a world where her gender, her sex and the color of her skin were not considered as worthy. Opening up to new people was not easy for her but since he advised her to finally live and come out of her shell, she had made huge progress. First, it was Willa the supernatural bartender she befriended. Still to this day she had no clues about Willa's true nature but she crossed the name of a few creatures already and was getting closer to discover the truth. Until then, she kept on making potions to help the brunette handle the massive migraines she suffered from and the blackouts. Elena, Caroline, and Bonnie quickly became good friends of her. Bonnie realized she was a witch and often came for advices. Elena and Caroline tagged along and their kindness made it easier for Asma to open up. Stefan befriended her first, for he was there when Klaus came to Mystic Falls and tried to intimidate Asma into helping him save Elijah. Damon.... it came later. He was practically the last one she met but the one she spent the most time with.

« I know you'd rather be with her than with me right now. » She added, her hand moving from his heart to his hand she held. « But I need you here with me....For a little longer. » She confessed, her tired eyes slowly filling themselves with unshed tears.

He came to her place after a fight with Stefan about Elena. She chose his brother and demanded he gave her some space. Damon didn't exactly feel like a good person and would have wasted himself and fucked up things if he didn't first stop by Asma's place. She came to his mind as soon as he stormed out of the Salvatore Manor. He didn't think twice, he could have gone to Bonnie or Caroline but he assumed they would side with Elena and he didn't want to talk about her anyway. He knew that with Asma he wouldn't have to. She wasn't really close to Elena so he could take a break from everything by her side. She always made him feel like he wasn't useless, that he was better than he acted. He couldn't explain why she only saw the good in him, but Asma did. Of course, she had that tendency to come and try to save people and he suspected she wanted to save him. Helping the witch make her potions, clean her shop, collect the herbs she needed and watch her practice her magic was soothing for Damon. They would get wasted at night, take down a couple of bottles of wine and tell stories of old times. He would listen to her experiences, to the struggle he never had to endure, the racism, the violence, the persecution. He listened to what she said and traded stories of his own atrocities.. the one he committed. He did so in order to make her stop seeing the good in him and see him for the asshole he truly was. She never did. She called him out but never thought he was a monster.

But things change and they did so pretty fast. It started with her pulse going faster whenever she saw his face, to her knees shaking at the sight of his smile and to him filling her dreams. The witch and the vampire often joked about sex, about him having too much of it and her having none and how they should balance things out so they would have the same experience. He joked about teaching her and while she playfully rejected him, her mind went wild. Whenever they were making potions together, she imagined him lift her up and make her sit on the table so he could kiss her. She imagined her hands sink into the hard skin of his shoulders. She imagined his kisses, bruising her lips because they would be too passionate. She thought of his voice in her ear, calling her name and telling her how beautiful she was and how lucky he felt to be with her. There were days where she had to stop brewing in order to catch her breath because her thoughts were so intense, she felt her arousal reach new peaks while he was just inches away from her.

Damon could feel it, he always felt her attraction towards him but he never said anything in fear of ruining their friendship. If he was his old self, her scent would have driven him out of control. He would have fucked her already, invade her body and her mind, broke her into pieces so she would be his and his only. He would have plucked her like you'd pluck a flower and let her whither when he would disappear on her. But that Damon was gone. She didn't deserve to be treated this way and he refused to hurt her, at least, on purpose. Ironically, he believed that she deserved to have someone better for her. Someone like Matt for example, who would make her happy and treat her well. He knew how difficult it was for her to trust others and bond with people, so he gently pushed her forward. She was a precious friend to him and he wanted to make sure she was happy and safe, just like she made him feel whenever he was near her. He didn't know....

« Asma? » His voice tore down the silence and she instantly released his hand and stood up.

«  You were having a nightmare. I came to help. »

« A nightmare? » He was still a little bit numb.

« About Elena. I just came here to calm you down. A little witch trick...I induced you a peaceful dream and you dreamed of. »

« Elena again...Are you. Are you alright? » He asked as he sat on the bed. Asma nodded and ran her fingers over her face as quickly as possible to wipe out potential tears.

« I am. I'm just tired. »

She wouldn't tell him how she felt. It might have been at the tip of her tongue it would never be the right moment to confess something like that. She was in love plain and simple but he wasn't and he was in love with a woman she considered a friend now. To tell him would mean she would lose him and their relationship for he would take his distance from her. He wouldn't want to hurt her and his mere presence would do just that. Asma refused it to happen. She couldn't afford to lose Damon, so she held her mouth shut and barely smiled at him. He wasn't an idiot, he saw she was upset, he noticed the scent of fresh unshed tears and he could feel her heart was racing in her ribcage. Asma wasn't happy at all. She had the same face she made whenever someone was violent towards her. He never understood how she was so fierce when it came to him or any of the girls being insulted by a complete stranger but could never defend herself when it happened to her? Did she believe all the crap these people said about her? The sight in front of him didn't please the vampire who stood up. He was wearing nothing but a pair of grey flannel pants which made her take a few steps back and hit the wall.

« Asma. I'm a vampire, I smell lies when there are some and you're lying to me. Something is bothering you. » Her eyes shifted from left to right as she looked at his intense blue eyes. He moved his hands to hold onto her shoulders, ensuring she wouldn't escape him.

« Alright... You got me. I was worried something might happen to you. I panicked because you never had a nightmare before and I didn't know if my spells could work for you. » It wasn't a lie but it wasn't the truth either. She chose to say another truth so he would be deceived. It worked. He pulled her into a hug and patted her hair.

« I'm alright Azz. I'm alright. »

« I know.. » She gently wrapped her arms around his waist, satisfied that he couldn't tell she was lying to his face again but for the good reason. There was no way in hell she would lose him to petty feelings such as love. It broke her heart to lie, even more, to hide the fact she was in love with him but she held onto their friendship and onto him.  « You should go back to your house. You should talk to Stefan and reconcile with your brother. You should apologize to Elena and show her that you're willing to regain her trust. She loves you. »

« Are we starting with it again? » He said, irritated. He always dismissed when Asma tried to bring Elena and Stefan to their conversation. « I said I didn't want to talk to them. It's a waste of time. They have each other, good for them. »

« Staying with me isn't going to help you, Damon... And you care about them a lot. By the goddess, you're in love with Elena. » It achieved to ruin her heart and she did her best not to sob, but her voice was still cracking and Damon wasn't duped. He knew she didn't tell him the truth earlier. She didn't sound okay.

« What is going on with you? » He asked, furrowing his brows as his eyes became even more intense. It sent a shiver down her spine and she looked away.

Something was up indeed. She was planning to leave town for there was a huge threat about to come to Mystic Falls, for her. She wanted to protect everyone and the best way to do that would be to push them away, make sure they want to have nothing to do with her so whatever happens, she would be on her own. That was always how she dealt with life for so many centuries, why would she do differently now ? Especially when she had so much to lose? She couldn't say anything, so she went with another truth. It might break her heart, she wanted Damon to be happier. She still believed in him.

« I think you've been hiding in my place for way too long. You miss them...so go talk to them. I'm being your friend tonight. Go talk to them, Damon. There so just so many brewages you can do before you get bored.. and you've seen my face for enough weeks n..... Caroline, Bonnie.. they also need to see your face, so go there.. fix things. »

« …....I don't want to talk about it. » He firmly said, his hand cupping her cheek. « You're upset and you don't want to talk about it. Guess we're two peas in the same pod. » He leaned his forehead against hers. Asma closed her eyes and put both hands over his. Her voice was soft..sad and she simply whispered.

« I guess we are... »

-TBC-

Chronicles of the primeval gods: Life and Death of Ishtar: Tormented

A/N: Ishtar « spoke to me » this morning, God of war and current All-Father of the primeval gods, he's guilt-ridden for what he did. Ayasha sees her as the knight in her chess game (despite wearing a crown, he's no king)

Xxxxxxx

Blood of my blood, Flesh of my flesh.

Why did you betray me?

Since Elpis scratched the seal, Ishtar couldn't find any sleep. He already had to live with the guilt of stabbing his sister and cursing her into an eternal cycle of reincarnation. At least, he thought that she would never come back and since her curse made other gods and even mortals forget about her, then his crime would be his and his alone to bear. It did spark a civil war among the primeval gods for one side was against his actions, saying that he should have let her be with the sin for it probably was the solution to their problem. They resented him for what he did to Elpis and started a war in order to punish him. Many lost their lives, brothers and sisters Ishtar loved died because of him, and it haunted him to this day. The other side was supporting his decision to punish the goddess for her foolish ways. How could she fall in love with an abomination and try to make him her soulmate? How couldn't the last born of Chaos and Gaea realize the errors of her ways? She was compromised and therefore had to die.

She was fierce and more resilient than he thought she was. Elpis found a way to scratch the seal and make herself known to every living god, sin, and human. He would have applauded the feat if it didn't put his work in jeopardy. Ayasha convinced him to kill the All-Father, she convinced him to become the new All-Father and even that wasn't welcome by everyone. They filled the gaps and realized what truly happened. First, he cursed Elpis and a civil war started. He then killed Chaos and became the new All-Father so he could rule and he was hell-bent on crushing the rebellion against him now that they remembered everything. He was seen as a villain, as a god who only wanted to conquer and rule while it was far from the truth. Ishtar was good as just the god of War. He found his purpose and enjoyed being on the battlefield. He enjoyed influencing humans and watch them worship him. He didn't need all the fuss and trouble his new rôle created. The All-Father? He wasn't meant to be the All-father. He wasn't meant to rule and yet here he was, ruling the Primeval gods.

Blood of my blood, Flesh of my flesh

Why did you have to make it complicated?

How could he breathe when he had to fight his own brothers and sisters? When he had to worry about Elpis coming at him because the Sin found her and was determined to set her free? How could he breathe when his pantheon was on the brink of destruction and his guilt didn't seem to leave him? Because yes, he felt guilty and he hated that feeling. The truth was since she scratched the seal, Ishtar had been thinking of Elpis. He thought of her more than in the last couple of millennia. He still remembered the soft goddess she used to be. Eager to please him, eager to help him on the battlefield and always looking for ways to make him happy. She put his and her siblings' happiness above all and would always uplift their moods. He remembered when a war with another Pantheon (the Greek one) left him injured because Ares was more powerful than him at the time. -Blame it on men who forgot the gods who created them- Crippled and with his ego seriously injured, Ishtar wouldn't have recovered if it wasn't for Elpis care and support. How could she go from this to the woman who would selflessly give her life for a creature that could never love her properly?

Pride could never give her what she deserved. He was unable to. Gaea admitted to Ayasha that she believed Pride had a soul and was capable of more than people believe he was able to do but Ishtar didn't believe her. Nobody did. Sins were unable to feel anything for anyone but themselves. By loving him, Elpis was giving it away like pearls to swines. He could never appreciate her devotion, her care and her genuine feelings for him but Ishtar would. He would have. It angered him to know she chose an abomination over him. The god of War was the best suitor. War and Peace, War and Love. War and Hope! They went hand in hand and he could feel it on the battlefield. She felt it too, he was certain and maybe it scared her away. Ishtar would have done anything to be with her, he fought off Leviathan when the latter tried to force a marriage on her. He fought him off once again when he tried to force himself on her, thinking that claiming the unclaimed would make her his. Ishtar protected his sister and she rewarded him by leaving him for a sin. How could he forgive her? How could he? When he stabbed Elpis, he did so out of jealousy for the Sin. If he couldn't have her, then nobody would ever. He punished Elpis for loving another but the minute he stabbed her, regret and guilt filled his broken heart.

He still remembered when she fell on the floor, gasping for air, shocked at his betrayal. He still remembered his own tears, his voice begging for forgiveness. She didn't give it to him. Actually, she let him know that she knew what he did and would come at him once free. He had to see anger and disgust on her face before her body vanished and her essence went into a human body. It haunted him until now and a ghost of her kept waking him her. He imagined his beloved sister with a scythe in her hand, waving it at him, unleashing hell on the last remaining primeval gods. Of course, after a while, he had to leave his realm. He went to Earth to find some rest but even there, everything reminded him of her. Now that humans were allowed to have Hope again, the face of the World changed. It became more positive, more alive and at each and every turn, the All-Father felt his sister's presence. Ayasha assured him that everything would be alright, Leviathan would get rid of Pride and Elpis and everybody would forget about Hope all over again. His rebellious siblings would fall in line once again and he would rule. Oh, he would rule.

And everybody says

"And everybody says "I love you" but not everyone means it.

I always wondered if you questioned me whenever I uttered those words, but you never did. You believed me the first time I said so because you knew I didn't throw the words lightly. Do you know... Do you know how much I want you to be happy? That I want to bring a smile to your face whenever you read a text or see my name when I call you? Do you know how much I want to feel your touch? A gentle stroke of my cheek or a hand on my knee? A hug also maybe? Do you know how much I need a simple contact to anchor me to reality? Because... that's how you make me feel. That's what you are to me.. my anchor to this reality.

I never tire to see you happy. I never tire to read your texts, see you be excited about something. I never tire to see your name on my phone or hear your voice...I never tire of you. My agenda is simple, I want you to feel loved and cared for. Is it too much to ask for? Is it too much to want? I don't think so. And I try to convey those emotions, let you know that "hey, you're my friend and I adore you so much." but I feel that words are failing me. They wouldn't come out. They are stuck in my throat and I am frustrated. And you tell me that I do plenty of it already. That you feel loved alright. You tell me not to be frustrated because my message reached out to you. they always do.

And everybody says "I love you" but not everyone means it.

And I never expect you to say those words to me but always you do. And I believe you like you believe me because I know you don't throw the words out like trash. They mean something to you and I value them. I treasure them. I adore them. And when you say you want the same thing for me...it feels like you said you love me for the first time all over again. And you mean it... And I love you.

Oh, I love you. <3"

Pride and Asma: Darlings

Pride was about to make his move. Elpis knew it only was a matter of time before she would be able to feel the warmth of the sun on her skin and she realized that despite the millennia spent waiting patiently, she was impatient to finally see the Sin.

She had time to think about what she would do once free. Revenge was on her mind but she had to think about the aftermath. Primeval gods did HER a favor by destroying each other. Only enemies remained, Including her own mother who remained apathetic to what happened to her. But once they are gone...what would she do?

She believed she could conquer the sin once again. Or try to. Find the connection they shared that was responsible for her whole ordeal. Love... love him. Her love for him was the most certain thing She had. The only thing She had. Especially now that She was alone. Elpis couldn't just pretend she didn't love him, after all, she went through but this concept became foreign to him. After all, her curse made it as if She never existed and they never met. He wasn't even per say, feeling the same for her but at least he cared. Yes, she gave up everything for a chance to be cared for by a weapon.... a glimpse of affection. ANd She would do it again because she saw in him what none ever could.

Elpis knew She would help Pride rule, fight his wars, protect him. She had made this her mission. To be the support he needed.  She would rule with him if that was possible. She would..... she had to be free first.

xxxxxxxxxxx

/edit courtesy of my dear Ceej. I miss you, babe, //

She had an appetite for life like none would expect. Certainly being the last born of Gaea and Chaos and being the favorite played a huge part in it but she was the primeval goddess of Hope. Hope was rooted in everything, from gods to mere mortals and even animals. Hope was powerful, all consuming, just like Elpis was. 

Elpis was powerful. More powerful than some gods when truly unleashed but she never or very rarely tapped into that power. Only once did she bring a full pantheon down to its knees and never considered doing so again and it had to do with her very nature. She was a force for good. She was positive and on top of it all was more inclined to protect and save rather than kill. Her compassion defined her and was her strength but it also was her weakness for she couldn't help herself but show compassion to any living creature.

He compassion led her to Pride. Her compassion made her fall in love with him for she believed he was more than what he appeared to be. He was more than just a weapon. He was more than a tool. He was her equal and in the world they lived in, considering a sin as more than a weapon was heresy. Her compassion led to her curse, for Ishtar stabbed her with the dagger of Fate. Her compassion led to her rebirth as well. Well.. that part was still to happen but it was meant to be. 

She had an appetite for life that had rarely been seen. An appetite that became stronger when she met the sin, an appetite that kept on growing throughout the millennia spent by his side. She wanted more than she had. She wanted more from life and nearly had it, if it wasn't for the curse. 

It robbed her of a future, a brighter future with the Sin who softened his edges for spending some time with her. It robbed her of a future, a future where she would have been a ruler by his side because he would have taken her as his queen. Now she could merely hope for maybe, be his support. relegated to the background if he even cared for her presence at all. She didn't know... and uncertainty was driving her mad. 

Elpis was temperamental. A quality she discovered by his side. She knew what she wanted and she wanted him, all of him, even if that meant she would have to fight teeth and nails to get to him.

He looked up to the sky

He looked up at the sky, clenching and unclenching his fists. His breathing was labored, his blood was pumping in his veins. Anger was burning inside of him, anger towards himself and what his words did to her. He could remember the way she looked at him, hurt by his words, upset at his assumptions. How could he think she lied to him and pretended to care for him when all she did was giving him her affection. How could he dare think she wasn't sincere when he could clearly see the tears in her eyes. He spoke too fast, he spoke without thinking, blinded by his own rage. it drove her away.

He looked up at the sky, his jaw clenched, his mind blurry. It was hot white in his head as he was cussing at the stars. Why was he so intense? He couldn't help himself, he had to speak up, say what went through his head and sometimes he was right but sometimes he was completely wrong. Words were vomited in moments like these, unfiltered, raw and sometimes not in the right order. Of course, she ran away...Why wouldn't she? Why was he like this? As he screamed his sorrow, thinking he was a fool for letting her go, he heard the noise of a car that parked nearby. It was hers. She knew it was their secret spot and maybe, she realized he went there. He didn't know. He heard her car and turned around to look at her as she left it.

She was beautiful in her flower dress and pantyhose. A dress that was out of season but just like her. Bright, light and beautiful. She was tense, he could tell, but she was worried. She knew him by her, how scared he would become after they argued, how worried he would be about losing her. She knew him by heart, how he didn't mean his words sometimes and how he wanted to fix his mistakes. She was angry, oh yes she was and that was the reason that drove her away from him at first. She told him she was pissed off and then scurried away but on her way to her mother's house, she realized that leaving would make things worse. He would believe she was hating him when she wasn't. She was angry and would be for a while but she loved him. So she came that night, still angry but in love.

They stared at each other for a while and he felt his heartbeat decrease, his breathing becoming easier. She came back. He walked towards her, unsure of whether or not she would want his presence but she didn't move. Instead, she outstretched her hand to him. His azure eyes looked down at her hand and he gently squeezed it. She held onto him and cupped his cheek with her other hand. Soothing him, calming him.

'You came back.."

"I didn't want to leave. I'm still pissed off.."

"I was an idiot. I shouldn't have said what I said. I'm sorry, Lucille."

"You better be sorry Daryl. You fucking better be!" She paused and squeezed his hand tighter. "...I knew I'd find you here."

"It's our spot. "

"I know.." She planted a kiss on his forehead and pulled him into a hug as she felt his body shudder. They didn't talk after that, instead, they held onto one another even harder.

She loved him, he knew that. He always did but the mere thought of losing her drove him crazy with anger..he acted stupid and it almost made him lose her for real. He straightened up after a while and this time returned the hug, her smaller frame against his, his hands lost into her mane. He straightened up to look at the starry sky, his lover in his arms and his soul appeased tonight. He thanked the sky for giving him such an understanding soul. He knew he would have to meet her halfway, make efforts so she would forgive him and he was willing to make them. She was worth the efforts, she was worth everything.

And he was complete again that evening.

How to save a life

A/N: Another vent piece, this time I'm focusing a little (really a tiny bit) more on the physical and gory details but also, well, we have my beloved recurring themes. Please, overlook this one if you feel disturbed, but I needed this. More than one can know.

Xxxxxxx

There is the million dollar question: How do you wash so much Red?

She mindlessly stared at the gun. It was on the table, loaded and ready to be used and just an inch from her hand. The clock on the wall was ticking as if it was urging her to end her misery. Her guts were churning, her throat was dry. There was the solution to all solutions, a way out of this shithole her life was. Her way to say goodbye and rid society of a dangerous individual. There was her chance to have a little bit of control over her life, just a tiny bit.. enough for her to give Life a middle-finger and yell « I chose to end that way » on her way to hell... or whatever place there was after Death. She wasn't a believer... Heaven, Hell.. they were stories told to kids in order to keep them in check. She believed that the good souls were at peace. They would join the void and be at peace, knowing they led a decent life. Souls like hers? They never rested. She would carry her guilt even after her death and be hoping to end up alone with them. An eternity spent wondering why she hurt those she hurt and why she couldn't stop herself sooner.

Tic Tac Tic Tac... There was no sound in the room, no sound except for the clock in that wall. Her fingers itched, so she tapped them rhythmically on the table while her hazel eyes stared at the gun... Come on, pick it up.. Take it! Take ! Put an end to this! She shifty-eyed with it and then looked at the wall. Now wasn't the time. A cigarette might help, so she lit one. There was no reason to step back, she did have blood on her hands. She remembered each and every one of her victims, some were even babies. She would always spare the kids too much pain, breaking their neck and it was done. It was with the adults that Phoenix had fun with. They taught her well at the organization. How to become desensitized, how to take lives and make it a game.. how to enjoy the sight of blood. They taught her well... But you could only last that long until it bit you back in the ass. And it did. Nightmares plagued her... nightmares that in truth were memories of her murders. She remembered the screams, the last words, the pleas, and sobs. She remembered how cold she faced most of these when she wasn't straight up enjoying it. She closed her eyes, her last kills coming back to her mind.

She took her sweet time with the last one. Director of the organization that kidnapped her as an infant and turned her into a murder machine. Oh, she had fun with him! She broke his legs, cut his wrists to prevent him from moving. She beat him up with a hammer, enjoying the sound of breaking bones and wet bloody flesh being torn apart. She relished in his screams and pleas for mercy.. the same mercy he never showed any of the children the organization abducted. She relished in the smell of his piss and blood, in the sight of his broken teeth and cuts in the face. AH, it was wonderful! She straddled him, turned on by the death she was inflicting him and took her sweet time gauging his eyes out of his eye sockets. All the while talking about what she endured at his hands and the hands of the organization. They stole her life. They broke her down into submission and made her a puppet...a weapon. They robbed her of a chance to have a normal life, of being loved and cared for... of being herself. How could she show them mercy? They had her kill babies... babies, how could she come back from a sin like this one? He asked for a quick and clean death but she gave him a brutal one. She stoned him to Death, smashing his favorite rock into his skull and making a mess out of the place. It splashed on her clothes, face, pieces of brain and skull flew by but she didn't care. She didn't care at all.... until now. Even that asshole was in her nightmares and felt like remorse.

There is a million-dollar answer: You can't wash it away.

Tic Tac TicTac. Her cigarette was still in her mouth, but she felt braver. Her fingers were still tapping against the table but this time it was in order to give herself some courage. Why was it so hard to kill oneself? She tried it before, during a mission. She let herself fall once but caught herself up, reflexes and shit. She tried to take bullets but never took a fatal one. She even tried not to take her medication when she was sick but her body survived her abuse. Her body always survived her abuse. Maybe with a gun, she wouldn't be able to escape her fate. It was necessary.. quick.. it had to happen. So she tapped her fingers to give herself some strength. Tap.. tap.. tap.. and finally grabbed it ten minutes later. The barrel of the gun was in her mouth and she shut her eyes, ready to fire. Ready to fire.Ready to... her fingers didn't move. What was happening? She opened her eyes again, confused, panicked, breathing hard and moaning painfully. Why couldn't she pull the trigger? Her eyes grew wide, the question was simple, the answer even simpler. She was a criminal, an assassin... She destroyed the organization that raised her to become a murderer and the only way for her to make amend now was to die. There was no life after what she did. There was no hope for a soul like hers that was burdened with the lives of those she killed. She shut her eyes again, screaming to give herself some courage. 3...2...1 FIRE! But nothing happened. 3..2...1..

A scream tore down the silence, muffled of course by the gun in her mouth. Nothing happened. She became frustrated. Why couldn't she kill herself? She felt tears roll down her cheeks and pulled the gun out of her mouth. Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong. She cleared her throat and rubbed her jaw. Her breathing became harder as tears couldn't stop rolling down her face. Damnit ! What the fuck was happening? She put the gun down and took a deep breath. Her hand wiped her tears off of her face and she groaned louder, venting her frustration at her gun and her inability to end her own life. Look at you! You had no problems killing your targets but when it comes to you it becomes a little rough? Pathetic ! She was pathetic and she knew it. She put the safety back on and resumed smoking. How many times did she imagine her Death? How many times did she try? She spent so many years surrounded by Death that she became used to it. She became used to it...she didn't want to die at least, not yet. Destroying the organization wasn't enough... she wasn't free just yet. She needed something more, something to balance the pain she caused others. She needed to save lives... And maybe she could even try to save hers. Maybe....