Pride and Elpis: A goddess wish

A/N: Because it's been a while and Elpis was talking to me. Pride belongs to my friend Nate and Elpis belongs to me.

xxx xxx


I am still trapped inside my vessel, unable to escape from the curse Isthar, my older brother, gave me. I long for your touch and I know that all I can do is wait until I am released to touch you. How cruel is that, Superbia,  that I am just there, right next to you and I can't talk to you. I can't touch you. I can't smile to you.K I am locked inside that human and limited in my communication with her. I wish I could have lengthy conversations with her so I could explain how you make me feel. I wish I could talk to her so she would know how exceptional you really are.

When I was with you, I realized two things. First, you are more than you thought you were. You are more than just a weapon. I've always seen it inside of you. I always knew. And I pride myself thinking that I influenced you into being your true self. Being with me showed you that you could be more and you could feel more than just relentless anger and pain.  I then realized that being with you showed me that I had tremendous power. Destructive power. You showed me a darker side of myself, a powerful side that I never knew existed in me until I met you. You saw that potential and slowly, but surely, you helped me tap into that raw power.

We truly were two sides of the same coin. I fancy the idea that we complete each other because You gave me the strength and the tools to be the queen you deserve to have by your side. I gave you, the depth and knowledge of yourself that you never thought you'd have. You were more than just a tool, you were made to be king. You are the king of me, the king of my heart and the owner of my soul. I am your queen, the queen of your heart and the owner of your soul....I fancy that idea because that means we're both going to rule over anything we'd like as soon as I am free of my prison of flesh.


I want to see you, beloved. I need to see you. I just wonder if I will be able to escape this prison or if I'm going to die there, away from you and be forgotten for all eternity. I don't want that, If I die then I would die by your side, fighting your war, defending you, loving you. I beg of you, beloved, to set me free from this human who didn't ask for me to be there. I beg of you, beloved, to find a way to have me closer to you. I beg of you, beloved, to let me be with you once again like we once were. I beg of you....

Don't let me down.

(SoA) Tig and Asma; the diner part 3

A/N: continuing this little scene:D I am in the best mood. I wanted to give them some of my attention, so here you are. <3 All usual disclaimers, SoA and its characters belong to their authors, Asma belongs to me, Jessica belongs to my friend C.

Xxx

Jess was still eating her cherries when she heard her phone ringtone. She knew it had to be Asma because of how anxious her friend was. She promised her to be her wingman if she ever needed help, so she picked up the phone and chuckled at the sight of the first text.

#Did you really?# She asked and sent it. Just right after she did, Jessica received Tig's text and laughed nervously.

These two couldn't be serious, now could they? She knew that both of them were very nervous about that date, but couldn't have predicted that she would have been in the middle of them, like a chaperone. She crossed her legs in a meditative pose and placed her phone on her lap.

#Don't worry Tig. For now, she just needs to take a deep breath. You didn't do anything wrong, it's just her coming to realize that she actually wants something with you.#

Jessica then bit her bottom lip, wondering if she should send the text. It wouldn't be a stretch to say that Asma wanted to be with Tig. She mentioned it the very first time she told the brunette about the night she spent with the SAMCRO member. It was easy to notice in the way she was talking about it and the sparkles in her eyes. It was easy to notice in the fact she was anxious about the date, so the SAMCRO queen simply nodded and put the phone on her lap. Yet as soon as she sent the reply to Asma, she received another text from the panicked young woman.

# I did and I worry he thinks I might be going too fast. I am scared I am going too fast. I can't breathe.#

#Yes you can. You can. Count with me. 5.# Jessica replied quickly.

#4# Asma sent back. Jessica furrowed her brows,

#3. Are you still with me? I want you to think about the flowers Tig gave you when he came.#

#You think? I don't want to scare her away. I never experienced that, how do I address her when she comes back?# Tig's text arrived just when Jessica was trying to comfort Asma. Which made her roll her eyes.

#2. yeah.#

#1. Now I want you to close your eyes for a minute and take a deep breath. You got this Asma. You made Tig Trager come pick you up with a pair of nice trousers and a nice shirt. He took you out tonight because he wants to be legit, do it properly. Nothing is wrong here. You have to accept that a man wants to be with you and make you happy. You have to accept that Asma and the way he makes you feel.#

Jessica then sighed and quickly texted Tig back.

#Simply be attentive to her body language. Be the way you were before the crisis so she would know there's nothing wrong with her having a panic attack. She'd want you to take where you two left, so do it. Make her feel like she's the only one in the world tonight.#

Tig smiled when he received the message. Jessica succeeded in soothing his mind and he was now more confident about the rest of the evening. There was no reason for the night to get worse than that and he intended to make her feel better as soon as she would come back to the room. He quickly texted «[Thank you!] before his blue eyes looked around him in order to find her. Asma was still trying to breathe and had her hand over her chest. It wasn't a big deal, -well it was.-, she simply said she was thinking of them as being a couple and it was true. There was no « good moment » to be honest so why would she try to hide the truth?

#0! I am good. I'm good now. I will go back to that room and I will have one hell of a good time. Thanks, babe.#

#You're welcome, babe! I love you.# Jessica replied before she put the phone away, a large smile on her lips. She enjoyed being their chaperon and wished to have news of the night, good news so she could live by proxy while waiting for Jax to come back.

#I love you too.#

Confident, Asma dropped her arms and took a deep breath. She shut her eyes for a brief moment and cleared her throat. It had been a couple of minutes now and Tig might be wondering where she went. So she checked her hair, grabbed some tissue to dab it on her sweating face and practiced her smiles in front of the bathroom's mirror before she left the bathroom. Tig's heart stopped when she came back and he smiled at her, unable to refrain himself from doing so. She was so beautiful and so radiant that he couldn't take his eyes off of her. She smiled back and quietly sat back on her chair.

« I'm sorry it took that long. »

« Don't apologize, Bella. Everything is fine. So, what do you want to eat ? »

« I want some ribs and... » She trailed off, looking at him up and down and sending a shiver down Tig's spine. He moistened his lips and grinned. He understood what she meant and smirked widely.

« Are you really hungry? » He teased her, tapping his fingers on the table. She bent forward and nodded slowly.

« /Very hungry/. We'll see later, after the ribs. I might fancy some dessert. » She said, biting her bottom lip. « So Tig. Now that we're here, I was thinking we could start over. » Asma tilted her head to the side and leaned her chin against her warm palm. « Hi. My name is Asma Victoria Jensen, my favorite color is blue and I am a tattoo artist. »

« Your favorite color is blue? I thought it was red. Red suits you very well. » He said, looking at the back of her hand he wanted to stroke with his thumb.

« Well, it is. How about you? Are you going to introduce yourself or what? » She said, feeling her cheeks turn red as she looked at his face. Tig chuckled and allowed his fingers to trace the soft skin of the back of her hand.

« Hi, my name is Alex Trager, but call me Tig. I'm a mechanic. »

It wasn't the truth but he couldn't be honest in public. She knew what he was doing -the gist of it anyway- and she knew he had to be careful around her. It wasn't just in order to protect her from any of their horrific deeds. It also was to protect her from the consequences of their deeds. Daniel Quinonez, the AFD agent, had noticed her existence and decided to cook her slowly. Random visits and search of her workplace often happened, she was taken to the interrogation room to ask her about her ties to Jessica Teller and SAMCRO.

« A mechanic, uh? That's a very nice job you have there. »

« A very dangerous one. You never know what could happen when you work for a new client. Our last gig was very hard, the car was more complex than we thought it'll be. It took the entire automotive repair to deal with it. » He was speaking about their last trip out of charming. Asma smiled tightly and held his hand.

« Is it safe now? »

He held her hand and entwined their fingers together. Her eyes shifted from left to right and she tilted her head again to have a better view of his face. Tig tried to keep her out of his business but he couldn't hide that he was worried about the current business for he didn't know what was going to happen. It was even more difficult now that Jax told them they were expecting a child with Jessica. He already had kids before, but this time it was different. This time he had the opportunity to go through the whole pregnancy with his wife and a chance to witness most of his child's important steps. The whole club didn't want him to miss the opportunity to be a better dad. Those, like Tig, who had kids already knew how it felt to want to do the best for the child and want to be a better parent. He wouldn't take that away from Jax and would make sure Jessica was protected from any kind of threat, be it those coming from her closet or those caused by the club's business. He could feel Asma get tense and worried but before he could answer, the waitress came to take their orders. Tig cleared his throat and then removed his hand from hers to scratch the back of his neck.

« Is it safe now? » She asked again.

« We don't know for sure. We have to try the new car to make sure it's a finely tuned machine. » He was being honest with Asma because he didn't want to lie to her. She furrowed her brow and put both hands on her lap. Tig's eyes grew wide as he wasn't sure of how she would react. Asma swallowed a lump and then looked at him again.

« Be safe when you try that car. I wouldn't want it to blow in your face. I wouldn't want it to blow anywhere near you. » She said, out of fear of losing him. How ironic would that be? She'd just found Tig and there was no way in Hell that he would be gone just after she was getting used to the idea of being with someone. He held her hand tighter and gently smiled at her. It was the smoothest and sweetest smile he actually ever gave someone -except for his daughters- and she noticed that and felt blood rush into her cheeks. « Why are you smiling like that? »

« You're worried about me. » He stated, before bringing her hand to his lips for a soft kiss.

« What if I am ?... » She groaned and tapped the tip of her nose to cover for her shyness.

« I say this is actually very nice of you to worry about me. I'd also add that I'll be alright. We're trying to make sure everyone's safe so far. Don't you worry about me okay? I'm the one who worries about you. »

He was referring to Oscar but not just him. Some people still felt that they could send racially charged messages and deface her workplace just so she would leave AND get away with that? Tig knew the history of Charming and how violent some people could be to those who were different. He experienced it enough with his past relationships that he knew Asma might not be safe at all. Ex-fiancé or not. Besides, most people were starting to realize that she was indeed, very close to Jessica and the club and Tig knew that it only was a matter of time before their business reached out to her.

« I'll be alright Tig. Come on. Didn't we agree that the night would be lighthearted? I know what I'm walking into by being with you and I am not afraid of that. A shitstorm could be coming our way, I would... I would still have dinner with you tonight. » She said, holding onto his hand as tight as she could before she released it.

« So.... Are you saying we're done talking about that car fixin'? » She nodded and scratched the back of her head. « Sure.. tonight's not the right night for that. » He said, as he pressed his lips on the back of her hand again.

« I want to talk about.... » She paused and then furrowed her brow. « I want to talk about the silly details. Where you come from, what kind of food you like, what do you prefer a bike or a car? I want to know all those little details that make you-you and I will give you mine too. We won't talk about your job, my AA meetings or even our past relationships. I just want to get to know you.. spend some time with you and you alone. Can we do that? »

« Are you kidding? » She shook her head. « Well, too bad because I had prepared a list of questions I was about to ask. » He was joking, by the tone of his voice, Asma realized he was just going along with the mood and chuckled at him. She felt relaxed and didn't remove her hand from his as they started to talk. They both used the moment the waitress came back with the food to both send a text to Jessica, claiming it was something else (she claimed it was a client and he claimed it was the job.)

#It's getting better. He's been really sweet to me when I came back and the conversation is flowing nicely. I can't take my eyes off of his deep baby blue eyes. Is it bad that I want to kiss him already?#

Asma sent the message with a little apprehension. Jessica let out an excited sound and grinned widely, but while she was typing her reply, she received Tig's text.

#It's getting better ! You were right, she's opening up to me. Thanks Jess for the tips. Do you think it'll be too early if I kiss her now or should I wait after dinner? #

Jessica grinned again and put the phone against her heart. Things seemed to be going well and they wouldn't need her help anymore. She then leaned into her chair and curled her lips into a grin. Well, it was thanks to her if this first date didn't turn into a catastrophe. She felt proud of herself but more importantly, she was happy for her friends. Both meant a lot to her so if they were happy, so was Jessica. She simply replied to both.

#I knew you could make it. Now enjoy the rest of your night. My job here is done.#

And indeed it was.

DOYA: wide awake

//All usual disclaimers. Oya is my original character//

I have never seen you sleep so soundly for a long time. It had happened so rarely before I got shot that I can still count them on one hand. I slowly place a hand over your cheek and stroke it with my thumb as my hazel eyes stare at you. You feel so relaxed next to me, so relaxed that one wouldn't believe we'd just had a fight moments ago. I hate when we fight, Dean. It's always messy and tense... it's always me pushing you against the wall because I want to make you speak to me. Do you have an idea of how frustrating it is for me to see how you truly feel in your heart but you still choose not to share with me?

I hate when we fight Dean. I hate it because I know we hurt each other with words we throw like knives at the other. We hurt each other because that is the way we do.We get scared, we get upset and we fall back to what we know. Pushing people away. I look at you, breathing at a steady pace and I let my fingers run down your chest so I could feel your heartbeats. They soothe me when I'm sad and worried, they soothe me when I'm about to lose control. You pull me into a hug and let your fingers run through my hair and you kiss my forehead in silence. We don't need to speak unless we want to and I know that I am safe there, in your arms. I know I am safe with you and my fears fade away.

I never had the opportunity to truly fight for a relationship before you. Fabrice would avoid conflict at any cost up until he couldn't pretend he wasn't angry at me for becoming barren. He would accommodate himself to me so I would believe we had no problem. With you, things are very different. I know when we're not in a good place. You wouldn't say the words, but you would show me. I know that it would take us lots and lots of work to get used to being with someone else, find our own tune and do things together rather than fall back to what we know. We grew as a couple, I grew as a person thanks to you. Our last fight, do you remember how it went?

Before, I would have run into my room and cry myself to sleep because I wouldn't know how to react to you shutting me out of your mind like you always do when we argue. Do you think I haven't noticed you were doing this? Just yesterday, I saw it in your eyes but, unlike what I usually do, I decided to stay in your room and wait for you to come back to me. And you did... you did. Oh, Dean. As I watch you start grumbling and shifting your head, I realize that you are having a nightmare. I push myself a little up on the bed so I would be a little above you. I would be able to cradle you and comfort you better this way. I stayed. That in itself is a sign of growth, isn't it? I had the time to think about us when I was recovering from the gunshot.

It was scary. I am used to being shot at and usually, I would have brushed that off as my punishment for allowing my family to die. For the first time since my family's death, I was aware of my own mortality and of you....I didn't want to die. I didn't want to die because of you. I know the job demands sacrifices and that we are not sure to survive any of our hunts but... I want to grow old with you Dean. I want to be with you until we die of old age. Is this silly to think of it like that? Is it too soon? We've been together for less than a year and we've known each other for more than a year but I know I have found my soul mate in you. I just know. I'll walk the walk with you and I am aware that there would be fucks up. I'll fuck up, you'll fuck up but I accept that. I accept that we'll be pissed off at each other and we'll make up and I'm ready for that. I love you. I am IN love with you Dean Winchester and I'll be damned if I didn't let you know that.

You're more agitated now, and I wrap my arms around your neck and pull you into a hug against my warm and soft chest so you could listen to my heartbeats. I let my fingers stroke your cheeks and my lips plant kisses all over your forehead. You groan painfully and you stiffen against my frame, so I know you're in pain. My eyes shift from left to right as I try to think of a way to soothe you and it naturally comes to me. I start humming a song. It's an Ethiopian song my mother used to sing to me. It says something along the lines of.

« Sleep well, my love. Sleep well. I would take your nightmares away, kiss them goodbye so you can sleep at night. I would keep you against my heart, make you listen to its heartbeat. Sleep well, my love, sleep well. I will sing to you to appease your soul. I will sing to you, to make you feel whole. »

I feel you relax at my words, soothed by the rhythm of my voice and I keep going, my fingers are still running through your hair and massaging your scalp. You are safe with me. You are safe with me, right here, right now and I promise you that I would always make sure you're alright. I have your back, love, I have your back. And I know now, that I don't want anyone but you in my life.  

Love and whatnots 4

//imaginary people and imaginary quotes. you could say some are very personal to me//

"Friendship is overlooked in this society. We don't value our friends enough, we don't value when we break-up with them as well. It stings, it stings really hard when you lose a friend over something you have no control over... or a silly thing too. Your friends are a part of yourself so losing them is also losing that. The longer you know them, the more it hurts you know? I lost my best friend a couple of years ago because I was envious of her happiness. I was in a bad place you know? And I self-pitied so hard that I couldn't see I was being abusive. I hurt her and I regret that I did and that my behavior cost me our friendship."-Karine

"How are we supposed to love ourselves when we never learn how to do that shit, to begin with? I mean, seriously? I've been raised to think I was unworthy of being loved. The people I met most of my life sensed it. I attracted predators who preyed on me and took pieces of me until there was little to nothing left. I survived that shit, I survived that shit and met good people. You know? I met good people who love me for who I am and want me to be happy and.... and I don't think I can. That's the problem here. I see all of that happiness and I get scared. I feel ashamed because I don't think I deserve any of that and I keep on blaming myself for all the bad that happens in my life because whose fault could that possibly be? What? You think I'm blinded by fear? Maybe I am.. Can you blame me? yeah.. you probably should." - Wendell

"There's something in the way he says my name. I can't really describe it. I skip several heartbeats, I mentally fan myself because every single time he says my name, I fall a little more for him. I can only see him... I only need him." -Mona

"I fell in love with my best friend. He wasn't per say, my best friend when we first dated but we grew closer over the years. We spent a year together, becoming friends while being lovers and that's when I fell in love with him. We went by sea and we had the most romantic holiday one could dream of. I remember it was my birthday and he managed to surprise me during that trip.  I knew he was hiding something, but I never thought he would actually want to live with me. Samuel is pretty much the secretive type you know? always keeping things to his heart until he decides to let you know what he knows... He opened up to me like never before for my birthday lunch with him and he told me he saw a future with me and wanted me to be... I'm sorry, I'm emotional. He asked me to come live with him because he was in love with me and me... I'm the type of person who runs away from commitment but I said yes. I didn't think twice. I just said yes because that was the only obvious choice to make. I realized I was in love, genuinely in love with him...It happened a decade ago, now Sam is my husband.. what a life right?!" Drake.

"My greatest regret was that I never could tell my siblings that I loved them. You know, you always think you will always have time to say these things but you don't. you never have the time to do it. you have to say " I love you" to those who really matter to you. They.. They're dead now... an accident and I STILL can't wrap my head around the fact I would never see them again.....They're dead..." Anne-Sophie

"Don't you ever let anyone tell you that you're not worthy of being loved. You are a masterpiece, baby, and if those who used to admire you aren't around anymore, don't worry! Others would come. Don't you see how the motherfucking Mona Lisa is being visited for centuries? What baby? it's not old enough for you? What about that Venus de Milo statue?  Bitch's still fine after millennia and is still bitchin' after she lost two arms. So if she can have people drag their asses to worship her, then so can you, cause you're not motherfucking marble!" -Tony

love and whatnots 3

//imaginary people talking about imaginary lives//

"Yesterday was an eye-opener. I had dinner with a man I thought I didn't have feelings for. /Feelings/, that's a big word I don't like to think about. So, we had dinner, just him and I and a friend at a nice restaurant and that's when it happened. That's when I realized that I had feelings for that man. I couldn't help myself but think about holding his hand all fucking night long. I thought about touching him and managed to put my hands on him.. nothing dangerous, just a hand on his knee, another one on his arm.. anything to just be able to feel him. I left that friendly dinner with....how to say that.. a smile in my heart. I'm attracted to him, not in a physical way but really....really... at a deeper level. That can't be good right? I already want to run away from that one. I miss him... Don't tell him" -Ashley

"I don't know if I told you that, but I have a very special bond with my best friend. she's 3 years older than me but she feels like we're twins. She's always in my mind and knows how to make me feel better. She knows what to say and always comes at the right time like she has a radar or something. We're very connected and I can't imagine going on with my life without her by my sides. I adore her and I adore when we're together because the world crumbles and shakes in awe and shock. She's the Yin to my Yang and I will BREAK you if you hurt her." Alan

"It feels weird okay? Love does. I've never been this happy before and I am scared like hell about being happy. I said yes, I did and instantly regretted doing it. I am in love with my significant other. I sincerely am. I want to get married and have a taste of that happy life by their side. It's just...pfftt. it's just... I'm scared of losing all of that. Eventually, I'll have to accept whatever comes our way but I don't want to ruin everything like I always do. Do you-Do you think I worry too much? I don't know. I don't know.. I love my significant other more than anything. I just want them to be happy with me. They would be right?" Josh.

"I have a great appetite for sex. I certainly do, but you know it's complicated to talk about sex among people who aren't your friends. Some would think you're this easy person who would just shag everything and anything that comes your way. Some would want to exploit your past life and hook up with you just so you could perform... when they're not judging you for being outspoken. You can never win. you'll be treated as if you were a slut and no matter how "open-minded" people pretend to be, they would end up judging you like you've just eaten a baby. Either way, I don't care. I love sex, I love having it with my current boyfriend. I loved doing it with my partners when I was single and if I become single again, I'll still have fun!." Darla.

love and whatnots 2

//imaginary lives and imaginary people//

"I remember when he said he was in love with me. I didn't expect it to happen. To be honest, I had a low-key panic attack and I had to keep it casual so he wouldn't think I was losing my mind. My heart...I felt it soar into my chest and I had butterflies in my belly and tears in my eyes. I think it was so intense that I puked shortly after. He didn't see me, we were on the phone when he said those words. It feels silly but this is also very unique. this is us...him being sentimental and me being sick because of love." -Carry

"My mom never loved me. I was more of a Barbie doll than a child to her. She lived by proxy and tried to force her sunken dreams onto me. It took me a while to realize she was unable to love me like a mom should. It took a lot from me to actually set myself free of her. I'm glad I could. I am glad I could." -Jonas

"I would be a mother very soon. I'm pregnant. It doesn't show just yet but... I don't care. I'm already a mom. Pregnancy is this weird rollercoaster of emotions you know? One minute you're very happy and the very next one you're worried something happens to your unborn baby...I'm not yet deep into that pregnancy and yet, I already freak out. You know who I admire? Single mothers. I'm lucky I have a very involved significant other but those who are alone? Ah, look, I'm about to cry." -Maelys

"Everything is in the eyes. I don't care what body your soul is in as long as your eyes are telling the truth. I had loved them all and all loved me too but the love of my life, rest their soul, the love of my life had the warmest, kindest and most understanding eyes I've ever seen. Honesty is a turn on baby, so you better let it all out if you want me." -Ethan

"Sexuality... Why is that when you're a certain weight, people start to think your sexual life is non-existent or bizarre. I mean it. I'm fat, there's no way around that word. I am fat but I had sex, great sex with understanding and compassionate and kind men of all shapes. They are not freaks for wanting to have sex with me, I am not used or whatever fucked up conception people have of fat people having sex. Today I'm with Jeff, in a very happy relationship. That's not weird. I'm just tired of the assumptions." -Caroline

"I'm Jeff, Caroline's boyfriend. It took me some time to assume my love for larger women. I have always thought they were beautiful but never dated one out of fear. There's this perception that you might be a freak or a loser if you love someone who isn't a skinny model. No disrespect here, I believe women are beautiful regardless of their shape. Caroline is sublime for me. It's the way she smiles at me with the dimple on her left cheek that makes my heart stop. It's the way her dress would hug her curves and tease me. It's the way she carries herself, walking with the confidence of ten brave men and bringing me to my feet with awe and fear. Caroline is amazing and I'm the lucky one." -Jeff, Caroline's boyfriend.

"I never wanted to have kids. I never felt the need to reproduce myself. Not dissing on parents here, you do you, It's just not something for me. My girlfriend doesn't want children as well and we're good just like that. The two of us are a family and I intend to keep it that way. Yet I have no heat from our loved ones or my friends. They think I'm cool. They think I'm free and they envy me but I see the way they look at Cynthia. They pity her and they pressure her into having baby envy. It's ridiculous." -Jake

"We broke up my girlfriend and I  a decade ago, but it still feels like it happened today. I loved her, more than anything in the World but love wasn't enough and I hurt her. Love isn't enough. I learned it the hard way. I took her for granted and look at me now. I'm miserable. She moved on, you know? She's engaged to another woman than me, she's successful and her name is on everybody's lips. Our common friends are gracious enough not to talk about her when in front of me and vice-verça but I don't know, man... I feel like screaming. I lost her because I didn't do the damn work and didn't want to meet her halfway despite her begging me to do so. After a while, she couldn't take it anymore. I don't blame her." -Joelle

One of these people

I'm one of these people, one of those who can't stand to stare at their own reflection in the mirror.

I'm one of these people, one of those who can't stand to look into themselves and face their emotions.

It hurts, it hurts so much that spending a day without thinking about oneself feels like a relief... 

It hurts so much and yet feels like it should be ignored so we could focus on our loved ones.

it's both a selfless act because we care and a selfish one because we don't care enough about ourselves.

We could be struck by lightning for all we care, it wouldn't matter because we don't.

I'm one of these people, one of those who won't dare have dreams and try to make them happen.

I'm one of these people, one of those who would not try to be happy because they know, no, fear to lose it all.

It had happened in the past,  being way too happy for their own sake and forced to witness it burn to the ground.

It had happened, the feeling of being shredded to pieces because everything is collapsing before you.

And the pain is too strong, and the pain is too deep and they refuse to believe they could be happy again 

So we're very apprehensive whenever it comes to Happiness and people we care about and who make us happy. They could be gone just like that.

And we would have deserved it.

I'm one of these people, one of those who convinced themselves o be toxic. it doesn't make any sense yet it does.

I'm one of these people, one of those who'd rather keep it to themselves than speak and ask for help, 

Because we think we're an inconvenience  We think we're annoying people around us, 

We think the world of people we care about but still think ill about ourselves. because we're undeserving 

We think we can't make things get better YET would move mountains for those we care about.

How strange that works, love I guess can help us do anything and everything for our loved ones 

...Where is that love for myself?

I'm one of these people, one of those who don't know how to ask for help. 

I'm one of these people, one of those who are witty, funny, cryptic and who talk with codes.

I would write, I would share music with meaning, I would hint at how I truly feel without actually saying it  

Just a single glance at how I truly feel is enough to cause a meltdown, I don't want to feel, but is it healthy? No! 

And the pain is so intense that we wish it would be gone but we know there is work to do.

Work for what? work to get better of course. That's the end goal, after all, to feel better and be happier. 

Because Love is worth all the pain. 

Love truly is. it saves people...

I'm one of these people, one of those who despite the darkness surrounding their hearts, Hope still crawls into the cracks and creaks and make their heart soar.

Tempête

j'écoute les mots que tu prononces mais je n'en comprend pas le sens.

Ils semblent pourtant clairs, ces "Je t'aime' qui sortent de tes lèvres.

Ils semblent pourtant justes, ces "Tu me manques" quand tu les prononces

Et pourtant, et pourtant j'ai l'impression qu'ils sont vides de sens quand tu me parles.

J'ai l'impression qu'ils ne sont que l'expression d'une impulsion qui te traverse, d'une envie qui te tiraille.

Parce que je suis contre toi, mes bras enlaçant ton corps afin de te garder près de moi.

Tu me demandes de te protéger, du moins, le souhait a été exprimé à travers nos conversations

Mais te rends tu comptes que je suis celle qui devrait se protéger? Celle qui devrait faire attention....

Attention autours d'elle, attention aux vautours qui vont se jeter sur elle dès qu'ils sentiront la moindre faiblesse

Attention  à ceux qui prennent sans jamais rendre malgré les promesses faites aux quatre vents

Tu ne sais les douleurs que je renferme, la tristesse qui m'habite et je ne te demande pas de porter mon fardeau

Au contraire, je le porte en mon sein de façon à ce que tu ne le vois pas mais  j'ai besoin d'être protégée

Et de l'être de toi. Je sais c'est cruel de penser comme cela, mais je te connais, je te connais même très bien.

Je t'ai vu agir devant moi, cherchant du réconfort, cherchant à tout prendre de moi dans l'espoir de me faire céder

Et tu as dû être frustré de voir que je ne cédais toujours pas.Je te faisais perdre la tête tout en restant, intègre.

Et pourtant la tentation s'est fait sentir, elle était là, tenace et m'agrippant les tripes. Il en a fallu du courage!

Car je savais que dès l'instant où j'allais céder, tu me tournerai le dos, je n'aurai été qu'une  passe tout au plus

et je voulais être plus que cela, si vraiment j'en valais la peine à tes yeux, je voulais et je veux du vrai respect! 

Alors j'écoutes les mots que tu dis, je te vois faire milles pas en arrière parce que tu n'as pas eu ce que tu voulais

Je peux jouer à ce jeu sans problème, prétendre qu'il n'y avait rien!  je l'ai échappé belle ne penses tu pas?

Et pourtant je l'ai vu dans tes yeux cette étincelle, je l'ai vu cette joie presque enfantine que tu avais à me voir.

Je l'ai senti sur ma peau, la chaleur de la tienne et la moiteur de mes mains qui ne savaient plus quoi faire d'elles

Je l'ai senti dans mon cœur, ce soubresaut de vie qui me rappelle qu'il y a toujours un cœur qui bat en mon sein

le premier pas,  un petit rien qui pourrait devenir tant de choses mais tes mots sont vides de sens

Tes mots sont vides de sens

Alors, je ne les crois pas, parce que des mots sans actions sont comme des fusils sans balles 

Et je mérites mieux. Alors va t-en! 

Her eulogy

She sometimes imagined what people would say about her the day she died. How would they react when they would learn the new,  Who would be crying? who wouldn't? who would come to her funerals and who wouldn't. She tried to imagine those who would say good things about her and those who wouldn't and realized she couldn't. Who did that? who would think about their own deaths and think about the words others would say? Well..the woman couldn't answer the question, all she knew was that she did. Her brain did. Her brain took her to imaginary places at imaginary time periods. 

She would have been dead. How? It didn't matter. She would have been dead and it would have been better. She would be wearing her best dress and would look her happiest. her casket would be open so everybody would see how appeased she appeared to be... how she would truly be. Death seemed more and more appealing after all, and the woman knew that she would know rest only when she would be dead. The woman imagined how it would be when those who attended her funerals would speak of her. She knew what they would say about her, after all, she was a complicated woman.She wasn't a happy lass. Or maybe she used to be but forgot how to be happy. Her heart was broken, to the point that she couldn't help but cry every morning.

Her tears would never heal her. They would never make her pain go away so she did her best to prevent herself from crying or ignore her tears and pretend they weren't there. She did her best to go on with her life, plaster fake smiles on her lips and walk as if she owned the World while in fact, it was breaking down at her feet. There was nothing left inside or maybe too much was there. She did push those feelings deep down, avoiding to feel every single one of them, especially the happy ones. Because what could possibly happen if not being disappointed.They would say she was a piece of work and was definitely too much work for them to handle. They didn't understand her, the peculiar ways of her mind. They didn't even want to.

They would say it was a relief that she died because at least now they could focus on something else. They wouldn't need to spend too much time in her gloomy and depressing company. They wouldn't need to comfort her and cater to her needs anymore. And yet she didn't even tell them what she wanted. She didn't even tell them how much she needed them and how terrible life was for her. So they thought she simply was making it hard for them on purpose. They couldn't possibly know how deeply hurt she truly was. How much of a nightmare her existence felt like. They couldn't know. They wouldn't know.

Her death would be a relief and she expected her eulogy to be the reflection of that. People lining up to express their joy to have gotten rid of her. People lining up to paint a portrait of her she already was aware of. She was a monster and Death took her away. Maybe that would be the last good action she could give. Making herself disappear...

Ah! If only.

Prayers to Thanatos

He prayed to Thanatos, wishing that his life would be over soon.

The god of Death, surely, would grant him his dearest wish.

He prayed and prayed but nothing really came out of it, 

Leaving the poor man alone to his thoughts and his dire need to die.

He prayed to Thanatos, wishing that his life would be over soon.

For he couldn't face the pain to live anymore, he couldn't endure it any longer

For it crushed his body and crushed his soul, turning him into a pile of flesh and nonsense

Turning him into a tortured and aching soul, one that just couldn't  go on with his life.

He prayed to Thanatos, wishing that his life would be over soon

He couldn't keep on going like this, Death was the only sweet relief

Unfortunately, Death was capricious and he could never get what he wished for

Unfortunately, he was condemned, doomed to stay alive and experience it all....

Life was meaningless and restless and he wished he wouldn't have to deal with it any longer

But Life wasn't done with him yet and denied him access to what he truly wished for.

Eternal rest wrapped around the soothing arms of Death.

Love and whatnots

//Just a small collection of imagined bits of conversations//

"He turned my life upside down and I let him. Never before have I felt this way for someone and even now. I have no idea how to handle it." -William

"What does living in my truth feel like? I don't know... Liberating? For a long time, I wore a mask because I thought being myself was a sin. I wanted to end my own life at some point. I am glad I didn't. Look at me now! Even more alive than yesterday!" -Sasha

"I never thought she would feel the same way as I did. To me, she was too exquisite, a real masterpiece I couldn't even afford to look at. I am blessed." -Laurie

"I miss my dad. I have a father but only met my dad once. I met him when I was 7 on that day he took me to the beach with mom. Can anyone take me to that man, Please?" -John

"I am sad. I am in pain 24/7 and I honestly can't stop feeling like this. The only moment I feel okay is when I am with him. It's when he holds me in his arms and when he whispers sweet nothing there... He could even be silent, for all I care. it would have worked. I feel like it's worth being alive you know?" -Ethel.

"I treat her like she deserves to be treated. She's a force of nature. she's to be feared.she's to be revered. she's untamable and I feel grateful to be allowed by her sides. She's the kind of beauty writers talk about in their books and painters paint and I want her to realize that there was no way in the world that I would forget about her because she chose me. She chose /me/."

le vieux Henry

Il avait eu une belle vie le vieux Henry

Une de celles qui sont bien remplies

De l'aventure, de l'amour et des amis

Voilà de quoi était fait la vie d'Henry

ll avait eu une belle vie, le vieux Henry

et il la racontait aux enfants ébahis

"Comment elle était ta vie, papi Henry?"

"Ah! Asseyez-vous, laissez moi vous la conter."

Il adorait raconter ses histoires autours d'un bon verre de lait chaud

Surtout le soir au coin du feu et entouré de ses enfants et leur descendants

Alors l'espace d'un instant, à force de raconter des petites anecdotes,  il revivait sa vie

Il redevenait jeune ainsi et il pouvait le faire à l'envie.

Quelle vie fantastique! quelle vie si bien remplie!

Celle faite à coups de poings, à coups de butoirs qui vous écrasent la mâchoire

Celle faite de chagrins bercés en son sein

Autant de marques indélébiles

Il aimait la vie , le vieux Henry

Mais ses copains lui manquaient déjà

les 400 coups se faisaient rares

Car tous avaient cassé leur pipes

Qu'à cela ne tienne! ils sont parti avant

Ils lui ont préparé les portes de la deuxième vie

Celle qu'on vit après la mort

ce n'était donc que partie remise

Il avait vécu une belle vie, le vieux Henry

une de celles à écrire des romans

mais après autant de temps passé sur Terre

il voulait se reposer, lever le pieds. Il était prêt!

Comme il nous manque, papi Henry

Mais toujours avec nous, son portrait souriant

ne nous quitte l'esprit que l'espace d'un instant

le temps de souffler et souffrir son absence

et mener une vie qui pour nous, aura aussi du sens

concours les flammes vives: sortir du lit le matin

//concours poésie les flammes vives, poème N°1//

« Sortir du lit le matin. »

Sortir du lit le matin alors que la terre tremble est un exploit en soi. Cela semble naturel,

Mine de rien, il suffit juste de sortir un pied après l'autre et de se mettre debout, tout d'un coup.

Facile, facile que c'est de dire à l'autre qu'il est aisé de se mettre debout, un jour après l'autre.

Facile, facile que c'est d'ignorer à quel point l'aisance des uns, est un combat pour les autres.

Sortir du lit le matin alors que la tête gronde est un exploit qui s'ignore, qu'on brosse sous le tapis.

Pourtant, nul n'ignore que quand la tête va mal, alors le reste ne suit plus. On ne bouge plus.
On reste allongé criblé de balles invisibles qui nous clouent au lit et arrachent à la vie.
Et ouvrir les yeux sur un monde qui n'est que cauchemar n'est pas non plus l'idée de simplicité.

Je vous y vois déjà, luttant contre ce mal invisible qui nous ronge, nous, les invisibles.

Vous n'y survivrez pas ! N'essayez donc pas de juger ceux qui luttent et y arrivent.

Ils jonglent avec plusieurs masques à la fois, celui qu'on montre aux autres, lisse et parfait.

Celui qu'on ne montre qu'à soi, difforme et bien laid. Une image à faire damner les diables !
Celui qu'on est vraiment, souffrant et malade et pourtant tellement vivant aussi. Quelle tragédie!
Ils se prennent la tête à deux mains et se cognent sans fin contre les murs qu'ils érigent pour fuir.

Se fuir eux-mêmes,  au cœur  de la nuit, entre deux sanglots, au moment de dire au revoir.

Se fuir eux-mêmes et les envies du meurtre de soi et les cauchemars qui hantent leur nuit.
Fuir le monde aussi, la pression des pairs, les attentes impossibles et le regard de l'autre
Regard plein de jugement, plein de poison pour lequel ils donneraient tout pourtant. Ah!

Sortir du lit le matin alors que le cœur sombre, est un exploit qui impressionne et se bouscule
Un effort qui nous porte jusqu'au bout de la nuit, fermant le cercle imparfait de nos jours.

Il nous prépare pour les lendemains difficiles, avec dans le cœur une lueur de honte et d'espoir.

concours les flammes vives: A l'amour comme à la Guerre

//Poème N°2: concours les flammes vives

« A L'amour comme à la Guerre »

Il vivait l'amour comme il vécut la guerre ! La propagande sur l'amour avait fini par le gagner.

Alors, il rêvait de belles aventures, de ces montagnes russes qui vous transportent au paradis.

Alors, il rêvait de cet être si doux qui allait l'accompagner tout au long de sa vie : l'âme-soeur.

Tout comme il s'était imaginé la Guerre, la belle, la grande et noble Guerre pour la liberté.

Celle qui était censée sauver le pays, sauver le continent aussi, de la conquête de l'ennemi.

Il s'était imaginé en héros des temps modernes et en amour, il aurait été heureux.

Il vivait l'amour comme il vécut la guerre ! La propagande avait fini par s'effondrer.

Petit à petit son rêve s'est brisé et la cruelle réalité a montré son visage repoussant.

L'amour comme la guerre, était laid. C'était une tourmente éternelle, un monstre repoussant.

Les adieux, la déception et les mensonges étaient autant de balles qui perçaient son coeur

Les blessures étaient invisibles, profondes et traumatisantes comme fut la Grande Guerre.

La boucherie qui avait fait de lui une victime et avait atteint le reste de sa famille.

Car l'amour comme la guerre ne fait jamais qu'une seule victime. Il détruit tout sur son chemin.

Il vivait l'amour comme il vécut la guerre. Dévasté par les ruptures, affaiblie par le chagrin.

Il n'était plus suffisant de simplement souffrir de souvenirs de la Mort en direct, des cris et pleurs.

Il n'était plus suffisant d'avoir honte d'être un survivant de l'horreur, de pouvoir en témoigner.

Alors que d'autres étaient tombés sous les balles, d'autres s'étaient sacrifiés pour de vrai.

L'amour n'était pas un voyage sans retour, même si pour lui, il était à deux doigts d'en finir.

L'espoir tout comme à la guerre, l'espoir le maintenait en vie.

L'espoir de quoi ? Vous direz-vous. Qu'avons-nous à espérer de l'amour si ce n'est un cœur brisé ?

Il vivait l'amour comme il vécut la guerre. La belle, la grande guerre. Il y survécut et le ferait encore.

Il y avait bien la jolie Annette, rencontrée au hasard d'une promenade, qui l'avait sauvé.

C'était son débarquement en Normandie, sa libération de Paris, c'était l'amour de sa vie.

Elle lui avait redonné espoir, l'avait aidé à se reconstruire et il y avait du chantier dans le cœur de Roger.

Il n'était plus une coquille vide, ni un survivant. Non ! Avec Annette, il s'était enfin senti vivant.

SOA: The dinner part 2

A/N: Because I have been thinking about them all week duh!

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Tig led Asma inside his favorite ribs joint. He made sure she first was sitting on a chair before he went and sat in front of her. He did notice some of the stinky eyes shot at them by angry customers and it took him a minute to figure out why they were looking at him as if he'd murdered their kids. Interracial couples weren't legion in Charming. Most people « stayed in their lane » and didn't dare go wherever their hearts took them. Gangbangers weren't making it any easier given how exclusive they were of people who weren't like them. Groups like the former gang of White supremacists made it very hard for interracial couples to settle in the town. When they weren't driven out of Charming, violence happened. Elias Tobbins did lose his wife and child because the wife happened to be an Asian-American woman (a Philippine at that), which didn't sit well with those Aryans wannabe. The gang might be gone, the mentality stayed. So yes! People who stared at Tig and the lady he brought along with him furrowed their brows.

Tig noticed it made Asma uncomfortable and angry. Her beginnings in Charming weren't actually pleasant. She ran into some Stepford PTE mom who told her she didn't belong in Charming and all those racial slurs painted every day on her office. Anyone would have left but not Asma. She was tired of running. She spent every morning over the last year, to simply remove the painted slurs from her front door and walls. Eventually, once they realized she wouldn't leave, they just stopped. Dark glares, however, didn't. Tig held onto Asma's hand, to distract her from the other customers and help her focus on him instead.

« Bella... » She shifted her gaze, averting from the couple on their right to his handsome face but couldn't hold up his gaze and switched to the customers on their left and furrowed her brows. « Bella... » He called her again, this time squeezing tighter her hands with his.

« Yes? » She looked at him again and sighed deeply. « I'm sorry, I'm being distracted tonight. I just noticed how they looked at me. they hate what they see, they hate us together. » She said, squeezing his hand. « I have been there already... when I was with Oscar.. when anyone but a black man was flirting with me. You always have assholes trying to make me feel inadequate. » She sighed and shrugged. « You're bringing attention to you, maybe this wasn't a good idea. » She knew it was panic talking rather than her rational brain. Maybe Tig would have been better off, without her, maybe the whole club would be better if she wasn't around. After all, there still was an ongoing investigation on SAMCRO and Daniel Quinonez was after them like a baby after milk. He wanted their heads, he wanted them locked up in jail and Asma might be the reason they fell in disgrace... wouldn't she? Wouldn't she be? No ! Wait! That was your brain! That wasn't true! That wasn't real! Asma get a grip!

« I don't give a flying fuck what they think of me, or of us. It doesn't matter to me, Asma, they can hate all they want, I don't hate /that/. I don't hate /us/. The idea is rather pleasant. » He stroked the back of her hand with his. She blushed and chewed at her bottom lip. « Besides, you said /us/, » He said in a teasing tone, taking her away from her issues for a minute.

« Did I? » He winked at her and she grinned at him, feeling relieved that he wasn't against the idea of being with her. He didn't mind people staring at them and went past the moment to panic over rejection from others. He had a lifetime for that

« Yes, ma'am! You did. » Asma felt blood rush into her cheeks and sighed in relief when the waitress came with the glass of wine. « Is that a problem? »

« N-nope. I just, I just need to powder my nose, hold that thought. » She said, grabbing her phone and rushing into the toilets of the restaurants. There, she shakily grabbed her phone and texted Jessica.

#I think I made a mistake. I just told him, before dinner, that I was thinking of us as a couple. I didn't say « couple » but he got it. He got it and he asked me if it was okay and then I just rushed into the toilets. I'm scared! #

Jessica was watching tv, comfortably sitting on the couch when she received the text. She chuckled to herself and gently started to write when she received a text from Tig.

«#I think I scared her. She let it slip that she didn't want to bring attention to us and didn't want to be a problem for me and I highlighted the fact she thought of us as a couple. I mean.. she did say so but you told me how she is and now she's freaking out. What do I do? »

Jessica scratched the top of her head but decided to first reply to Asma because she was close to having a panic attack. It did make her laugh however because she had the two lovebirds texting her and being in a panic mode within just the first 30 minutes of that date. What could possibly happen next?

-TBC-

Doya: Come find me

//All usual disclaimers//

Come find me, my love, come find us. I have been away from you for far too long. I didn't anticipate just how much I would be missing you. Come find me, my love, come find us. Ignore the assinine sentences I would throw at you, out of frustration. Ignore the tempest in my voice, the hurricane in my eyes when I think I am losing you. There was fear in my heart, fear of losing all that made me who I am. That injury was worse than any I had before, or so I thought. For the first time, I was worried because I had someone to return to, some place to go back to and people I loved once again. Would I have been on my own, I wouldn't have been that upset. I would have healed on my own and returned to the field. But I have you. I have you and being shot like that made me fear my very own death. I don't fear Death, even now. I fear to leave you alone. I fear that you will leave me too. I....Damn, we're supposed to be hardened by now. We're supposed to have seen it all and yet, I can't bring myself into thinking you might die or I might too. We are not talking about it, we avoid the conversation like the Plague but I need to find a moment to tell you that shall I die before you do, I don't want you to close off once again. You probably heard it all before, but I meant it, Dean. I mean my words.

Come find me, my love, come find us. We haven't been together for such a long time that I need to remember how it feels to have your arms around my frame. I need to remember how it feels to have your lips on my skin. I need to remember how it feels to run my fingers over your marred skin and think of the stories you told me about each and every one of your scar and tattoos. I want that Dean. I want to discover you again and find the imaginary yet familiar paths I traced on the skin of your chest. I want to discover you again and feel your heart beat faster in your ribcage. I need to smell you delicious mix of metal and menthol you always carry around you. I need you, love. I need us. I need to find the connection between us, the one I always put at risk with me pushing you to your limits, making you talk about unpleasant things, making you remember what you'd rather forget. I know I do that. I know I push you to your last lines of defense because I want to hear you.. the real you, not the polite sentences you throw here and there to dismiss my interrogation. Not the annoyed groan that escapes from your lips when you don't want to talk. And we get angry at each other, and we yell and usually, I leave our room and go to mine. I don't want to do that tonight.

I want to stay with you. So I will stay.

Come find me, my love, come find us. Tonight, I just want us to be together. Our hearts shall beat at the same time, our voices shall sing the melody of love. Our bodies shall dance together and our souls shall fuse and become one. I want to find it again, remember every inch of your body, remember every breath you take. I want to be able to feel small by your sides too. I want to feel safe and protected again. I haven't felt this way since I got shot. Night after night, I kept on having nightmares and if it wasn't for your occasional return alongside Sam, I would have lost my mind. I need to find the one who always puts my nightmares away, like a dreamcatcher, and who allows me to sleep soundly at night. I need to find us again. A happier version of me, a softer version too and one who is always so eager to please you and ready to fight for you. I want that too. I need that too.

So come find me, love, come find us. You'll see, it's easy. All you have to do is allow me to kiss your back and we'll go from there.

Pride and Asma: The Weight of the World

//All the usual disclaimers//

He carried the weight of the World on his shoulders and he pretended he wasn't. He was always serious, I can't remember a day when he wasn't. His gaze had always been intense, whether it was because of anger or lust. Pride tried not to let me know just how dangerous the situation was but from time to time he let it slip out of his mouth. So I knew. I realized that he was fighting a war on many fronts. His siblings wanted to overthrow him and take his place. There was the eventuality they wanted to kill him as well, something I didn't want to happen. He had to find them, crush the resistance and make sure the only one loyal sibling stayed loyal.

Primeval gods also wanted him dead. Sins were seen (and rightfully so) as threats for the entire pantheon. While one side was approving of Elpis relationship with Pride, the other wanted to eradicate the threat. Their allies, Sitäa and Khrön were killed by Ayasha and the other siblings who slowly woke up from their cursed-induced slumber were still under the influence of Ayasha and wanted to kill Pride too. What could I do? I was nothing but a human caught in a war that was beyond herself. I couldn't exactly protect my beloved Sin, nor could I solve this problem with his siblings. I couldn't bring a solution to his problems but I realized I could be the balm he would apply over his wounds. What I lacked in strength, I could compensate with my love. My poor Pride carried the World over his shoulders, it was the least I could do to show my gratitude for his protection... the least. 

He couldn't breathe. I understood it and wanted to give Pride all the support he deserved to have. I wanted to show my king he had an ally in me and would have until he set Elpis free since I wouldn't be able to remember him. I could see the weight he was carrying, I could feel the burden on his shoulders. I could see he didn't want to show me how upset or frustrated he was by the situation and I didn't want to push him to his limits, so I would sit by him and run my hands over his strong back. I would lean my head against his shoulder and I would hug him. I would embrace him, I would make him feel loved. I would make him feel understood and I would try to take the weight of the World off of his back. I would, for you, my king... my love.