Pause

Pause. 

Breathe. 

Allow your thoughts to wander for a while. Life goes so fast that sometimes we don't have enough time to just stop and breathe. I  have been confused for a couple months now, watching as time kept moving forward and so did my life without actually taking the full grasp of the changes. I was just going with the wind and then the wind just became too fast and too hard to handle. so I stopped.

Pause. 

Breathe. 

Allow your thoughts to wander for a while. I realized that I was growing. the more I understand my surroundings, my history and my past, the better I become. I found strength in my introspection, I noticed the good, I projected myself towards a better future. I acknowledged my needs and desires. oh that part, especially the desires part had never really been put on the table until now. how funny things are when you think of it. 

Pause. 

Breathe. 

Allow your thoughts to wander for a while. Allow yourself to want the best in your life. I thought I was knee deep in the quicksand, never really thought that I was actually even more free than I anticipated to be. Yet, Here I am. Free in soul, free in body yet shackled in mind. Afraid to move forward, but aware of that fear. 

Pause. 

Lay down. 

Close your eyes. 

I took a big leap of faith. I chose to be where I am today and despite the challenges that arose, I'm still there, still fighting. still moving forward and still capable of love. Yeah. Love. it's my fuel. it's the reason I'm still here, remember? I love and I let others love me and I guess that no matter what happens, as long as I have this love, I would be able to move mountains. 

Besides, I've come a long way. what's not to celebrate? do I have to wait for something extraordinary to celebrate? No. there's no need for that. each day is already glorious, it's one more day with the living. it's one more day spent dreaming about a better life and one more possibility to be happy, surrounded with those I care about.  I've come a long way and this should be celebrated. each day. 

Every day.  

GoT (regular): Johanna

 GoT (regular): Johanna

A/N: A little moment between Bäahal and herself.

xxxxxx

The silver princess  stared at her reflection on the vanity.  She brushed her hair, going slowly as she was looking at her reflection. Going outside and attending more of the family dinners together was actually having a good impact on her. She was very apprehensive about how these things would unfold but was relieved to see that not only did Jon and Tyrion helped lighten the mood and redirect the focus on other matters, but that her sister was also doing her best to make Bäahal comfortable. She had realized that the first serious conversation since her return had caused so much pain between the two of them that it became difficult to stay at the same place for a long while. Dany avoided her, and the few times they crossed paths, they exchanged the minimum of words possible. Daenerys had to do some soul searching before she decided what to do next. It just felt good to have her family around her and set her worries aside. 

Bäahal sighed and put the brush on the table. Her eyes warmed up as a memory of her time at Casterly Roc. She remembered the old maid who was assigned to her protection and care. Maid Johanna was a force of nature, a woman who was very observant and knew each and any of Tywin's children. She embraced the princess as soon as she was given to her. Her warm hands brought comfort to the silver haired princess, her wise words comforted her broken heart. Johanna restored the princess back to health. Through her care, the princess was able to find her appetite back and slowly started to trust others than Jaime and Lady Kyra.  The princess gently ran her hand over her soft cheek and  pressed a soft kiss to the wrist.  

Johanna was the one who induced hope in the princess' heart. She was the one who helped her realize that Jaime was not indifferent to her and that perhaps her feelings were requited as well. She told her stories about the young Golden Lion, about how he used to be, how he still was. Jaime had not changed that much over time. He was still a man of honour, a family man who would give everything he had to protect and serve his family. He came back to Lady Kyra with a desire to start anew. he finally accepted his feelings for the princess -although his first impulse was to drive her away from him out of love for her-.  Johanna noticed the concern in the face of her beautiful blonde boy. She could see the love he had for Bäahal, that bound him to her even more than duty ever did. He lwas in love with her, almost lost her and was now trying to protect her. 

Johanna knew.. and she tried to tell it to the younger woman. it worked somehow, enough for the princess to find the strength to stop hiding her feelings for the knight. She couldn't anyway, even if she wanted. The slave she used to be was no more and since she became free, Bäahal was more than honest. She wore her heart on her sleeve, literally spoke her mind, trusted people because they weren't the slavemasters and she was able to see in their eyes the truth.  She was able to see in Jaime the truth about him and this from the moment they first met.  Johanna was wise, Johanna realized that the princess was desperately in love with the Golden Lion and she wanted the best for him. 

Could it be that she connected two souls together? Could it be that her love for her "children" and affection for the princess helped her realize that she couldn't be away from the Knight for too long? At Casterly Rock upon recovering from the siege and her near-death experience, the Targaryen princess realized that she couldn't be happy with staying at the castle. She couldn't be happy if she had to give up on her love for the knight. She needed him to know she loved him and would always care for him, even if that was from a distance. a conversation happened there, a long and tearful conversation that left the two of them forever changed and aware of each other's true feelings. 

And along with it came the burden of such decision.  As the princess had stopped brushing her hair to look at her reflection, she put both hands on her cheeks and gently pressed them, as if she wanted to massage them. instead she sighed and a few tears she rolled down  her cheeks. the last couple weeks had been so intense that she couldn't have a decent sleep. instead she stayed awake for a long time, cried her eyes out and even had few moments of doubts. She found strength in the words Johanna gave her and in the comfort of her room, the silver princess was remembering this woman.  Her fingers wiped out the tears that rolled down her cheeks and smiled through them. This little memory reminded her of the fact Light always found a way, even in the darkest times. 

-TBC-

GoT (Modern): Targaryen beauty

 GoT (Modern):  Targaryen beauty

A/N: It's just a moment between Bäahal and Bäahal with a few flashbacks from a conversation she had with Jaime. <3 I love our babies.

xxxx

Bäahal laid her head into the pillow, her breath was short and her chest was heaving up and down at a fast pace. her eyes were wide open and a smile crept on her lips as she was recovering from a moment of solitary pleasure. She sucked on her bottom lip and ran her hand over her belly and up her chest. she feathered touched her neck and let her digits on the plump bottom lip, tasting herself  in the process while she was catching her breath. She had to release the tension that had built up since the last time she saw Jaime and was satisfied with the efforts she'd just made. her skin was covered with a light coat of sweat, that made it glisten against the soft moonlight. her silver hair crowned her face and stuck to her breasts and back, giving the Targaryen beauty the appearance of a fairy or a goddess. Whichever that was, it was undeniable that Bäahal was among the most beautiful women of the whole world. Daenerys and her were called the world's Eight wonder because of their unique beauty and while it had some advantages, it was mostly a curse. 

Targaryens were known for their beauty, their silver hair and purple eyes but some were born with an average beauty (enhanced by their features) while others were absolutely breathtaking. "Stuff made by Gods" as Bäahal would often joke. Her siblings were all among the most talked about Targaryens nd were unanimously considered to be the most beautiful people of the whole Dynasty. Rhaegar turned heads, was called the God Among Men and  rumours had it that some people killed themselves upon being rejected by him -which was a lie but whatever-, Viserys was considered the black sheep of the family, the quintessential bad boy and one the most handsome man you'll ever meet. -He was less handsome than Rhaegar but again, Rhaegar was called a God wasn't he?- Daenerys was the silver queen, the most sought out single woman of the planet with countless suitors trying to get in her favour. (probably because she also was the head of the family- and Bäahal? well, they had nothing on her. She was unique. 

"You have such a crass mouth, Firecracker." #Jaime said in a chuckle as he was catching his breath#

"But that's one of the most endearing thing about me, isn't it my Golden Lion?" #She grinned, rolling on her side to look at him. Jaime's emerald eyes were staring at her intensely as both were smiling at each other.#

"I have to agree with you on that. There's a lot I like about you." #He admitted, running his hand over her soft cheek and pushing her hair behind her ear.# "There's a lot I like about us.. us right there."

"This is our time... this.. this I like too." #She looked at his chest, avoiding his gaze for a minute for she felt her cheeks turn red. They both were busy and they both had talked about not being able to see each other outside his place for safety measure. Daenerys was already suspecting she was seeing someone and in order to protect her Golden Lion, Bäahal thought she would keep things the way he suggested them. she didn't mind keeping things to herself, but she soon found it very restrictive to not be able to leave his place. It was frustrating the heiress not to be able to take him on a trip and show him around and that was prompting her to figure things out.# "I like a lot of things about you too Jaime. I don't think I would be able to stop seeing you."

"Oh? and why is that, Bäahal?" #He cupped her cheek and stroked it with his thumb. She was so beautiful in this moment, vulnerable yet determined. Her gaze was intense, it always was when she was looking at him and having seen her react or look at other people through her phone or on tv, he knew this gaze was for him and him alone.#

"Have you seen your face, Jaime? Have you heard the tone of your voice? have you felt how warm it is? How many shivers it sends down my spine whenever you're talking? You're a lot of fun, always keeping me on my toes, always taking care of me when I'm here. you're so warm and so comfy. I love being in your arms. I love talking about anything with you, make and unmake the world at night." #Her hand ran over his hairy chest as she rested her forehead against his.# "I like to know what you think about things, how you're teasing me and how you make me laugh... you make me feel...you make me feel normal, and cared for....and I care for you. I'm into you Jaime and  I- I want to spend more time with you that's all. I'll figure things out, I'll make it so you could go with me to that beach of Naath. I'll make it so we can have a whole privatized space just for the two of us and maybe... maybe meet in public too." #she sighed and closed her eyes.# "I dream of a day we would be able to dance together at a gala. Some sort of publicity stunt.. can you imagine?#

The silver haired heiress remembered his face when she asked the question. He was serious, intense, his jaw was locked and she could feel he was processing what she was saying and what it meant. She was into him, Plain and simple. It felt like a relief, to know that she felt something deeper for him and he wasn't just a fun time for the young woman. Alone in her room, the young woman sighed and rolled on her side. her room was feeling lonely. she was having more and more issues going back to her house, her bedroom felt so empty that she couldn't ignore it anymore. She missed Jaime and perhaps instead of just missing him, she could text him. why run around in circle when she could let him know what she wanted? Bäahal was unique in that of all the Targaryen siblings, despite the obviousness of her brown skin that set her apart from the rest of the family, her personality was different. she didn't care about family feud, she didn't care about protocols, she didn't have time with fakeness. Bäahal was straight forward, honest, and she put her heart out there. Jaime knew this but he wasn't ready to talk about it, yet.

-TBC-

Chronicles of the primeval gods: Life of Elpis: musings

 Chronicles of the primeval gods: Life of Elpis:  A crown for the emperor

A/N: Elpis is musing.

Xxxxxxxx

 

The elder goddess walked towards the balcony of their hotel room. They would soon leave the “Garden of Everything” and she couldn’t resolve herself to leave the place so soon. It took her a while to accept that things have changed over millennia and that her paradisiac garden had now been destroyed.  She didn’t have time to weep for Pride convinced her that the garden was still there despite the five-star hotel that grew from the concrete.  Instead of the unique plants that grew in the area, the lovely animals that populated the place, there was a swimming pool, a restaurant and a bar which welcomed thousands and thousands of rich customers. The place was still gorgeous, anew and adorned with fresh and flamboyant aesthetic, yet it wasn't pleasant to the goddess who hated the fact that her beloved garden was destroyed by Mankind's greed. It shouldn't have been a surprise for her, what did she expect after millennia spent locked away inside humans? Despite her claims, Elpis knew that in truth, the heart of the garden was still there, somewhere below the building.

 

It wasn't a place of pilgrimage, although she first thought of it as such. No. She wanted to find the place to celebrate new beginnings with her beloved and was disappointed that the place was no longer the same as it used to be. Was it really a problem? Pride proved her that it wasn't. Elpis loved spending time with the sin. She enjoyed getting to know him and was happy to see that no matter what, she was able to fall in love with him again. She was appreciative of his efforts to stay on Earth with her and “mingle” with humans. They both enjoyed the refined arts and food, and they both enjoyed discovering her new powers. How could she forget about the slaughter of Vancouver? How could she forget about the moment she discovered she was connected to Earth in a way she had never been before when they were in Italy? How could she forget about the nights of passion?  Oh the nights of passion. Pride was determined to discover her again, make sure he remembered each crease and crevice, each curve and each reaction to his touch. The pink haired goddess ran her hand over her neck as she remembered his touch, the kisses, the gentle bites on top of her ear and his purple hues. oh how she loved when he was looking at her with a scortching purple gaze, the more he was possessing her. 

 

Her golden orbs stared at the crowd of humans below, living their carefree life without the knowledge that a goddess was staring at them. They didn’t know the war that was going to happen soon, a war that would take place In another plane of existence but would define the rest of their existence. Elpis realized that for so long in her life she had been just like them, unaware of the plans her family had for her. She was blissfully unaware of the feelings Ishtar had for her, nor did she realize that Ayasha hated her. A while ago, guilt had wrecked her heart, for she was wondering if she couldn't have noticed it earlier and if she could have done something to prevent them from tearing the couple apart. How could she have noticed the plot against her when she was manipulated since her birth by those she most trusted? she was nothing but a naive young goddess who loved way too much people who didn't deserve her love. She couldn't have gone against the All-Father or her mother or even against Hades. Those events were in the past and while her mind was seething with revenge, the pink haired goddess wanted to focus on something else.  She looked at her hands and thought of the promise she made Pride. 

She promised him she would give him a crown. A crown made for emperors.Pride had conquered the Underworld and became its rightful King. He overcame Hades, defeated his siblings -Save for Lust- and was now planning on taking over the other pantheons. He promised to help her destroy the primeval gods and was making sure she would recover her powers. He stayed on Earth, the place he hated the most in the universe and did it for her. She wanted to give him something that would express her gratitude and something that would express her love for him. A crown seemed to be the best gift she could give him was a crown. She was no forge-master, but she was possibly thinking about giving him something even better. She was toying with her powers, pushing her to her limits and was hoping that perhaps, with a little more training she woudl be able to tap completely into her abilities. she could bend Light, she could control life, she was in tune with the humans populating it.  Could it be that she could use her powers to make him a crown? 

Doya : Her smile

Doya : Her smile

 

A/N: Feeling a little cheesy. Still dancing around the Pluto storyline because we haven’t written yet the plot. I love these two and I will always.

 

Xxxx

 

Oya’s hazel eyes were focused on the huge map she had spread onto the table. She was searching for the potential location of the vampire nest they were hunting and was considering a few ideas. Dean was preparing their weapons for the hunt; his mind was focused on what to use when he heard her puff some air into her cheeks. She was frustrated, he could tell and since both had already spoken about Pluto and the missed opportunity -which really wasn’t one-, there was nothing more to say about the topic.  Dean understood why Oya didn’t tell him right away that they had crossed path with the god. Diving headfirst into a fight always led to serious injuries if not death and given their relationship with Chuck, he wouldn’t have magically come back from the dead. He wouldn’t take the risk anyway. Besides, he understood that Oya was afraid of the god. He would have killed her had Castiel not intervened, so of course she would have been afraid to face him again, at least when they did encounter him.

 

Time has passed and she came to accept her feelings and fear turned into a strong desire for revenge. Oya needed to kill the god or at least help. She realized that he was way too powerful than he should be and was leaving a trail of blood on his wake. She had to stop him, save people from him but he was smart, way smarter than all the pagan gods both Dean and she encountered in the past. He was organized, probably helped by other wretched creatures and the fact she couldn’t locate him was driving her mad with anger. Dean could see it plainly now as he had stopped looking at the weapons and was now staring at her. His emerald eyes stopped at her petite figure, the curves of her legs tightly wrapped in a tight jean, the shirt tucked into the jean and the leather jacket he fixed for her on. Her heavy curly black hair was crowning her face and shoulders and she had that frown on her face, that little crease between her eyebrows that indicated her state of mind.

 

Dean’s jaw tightened as he stared at her, wondering how he could turn that frown upside down. Of course, he knew that working would put her in a good mood. Oya loved hunting and she loved to be able to fight monsters. That was something that first surprised him when he met her. He’d never met a hunter who actually was embracing the life because she loved it. Sure, things were a little different in the country she came from. They weren’t living a crappy lifestyle like American hunters did, but they were the same. Dean came to terms with the fact that he enjoyed hunting as well. Once the revenge was accomplished and they killed the yellow-eyed demon, there was nothing left but the love for the job. Dean realized, as he lived with Lisa that nothing could make him stop hunting. A “white picket-fences life” would not make him happy. It wasn’t his apple pie. He couldn’t be happy if he couldn’t be whole and Oya made him whole. With Oya things were easier, things were perfect. He was a hunter and so was she. She didn’t ask him to change his life for her, she didn’t need him to change his life for her.

She embraced who he was, flaws and all and never once asked him to be different. She would spend time with him when he wouldn’t be able to speak, running her fingers in his hair, soothing him with her songs, cuddling him if they were in a bed together just so he could feel at peace and relax in her arms. She went above and beyond to make him smile, from the ugly aprons she always brought to him to the moments she would dance or sing in the MOL bunker. Oya was lively, she was caring, and her smile was infectious. Dean craved her smile, and he always tried to make her laugh or smile anyway he could. That was why he wanted to find Pluto as soon as possible and kill him just so she could smile again. He cleared his throat and closed the distance between the two of them.

 

Oya tapped her finger on the map and then looked at Dean as he was standing next to her. She yanked her head back and gave him a soft smile. Dean’s jaw relaxed at the sight and his heart warmed up. she was okay, they were okay.  She looked at his face and gently ran her hand over his chest. They didn’t speak because they didn’t need to at this exact moment. He could see the relief on her face, and the beginning of a grin that was forming as she was excited again. She could see that he was relieved as well and this was enough for her. They will go on a hunt and they will take care of the monsters of the monsters at hand. They will prepare for Pluto and once they would be ready, they would take down that son of a bitch.

 

 -TBC-

The power of saying No

the power of saying No. 

It took me a while to get there, to know that I could actually say "no" and understand that sometimes I had to think about my health (mental or physical) before anything else. I had to protect them because nobody would.  It took me years not to feel guilt and frankly, I still do, (to some extent, I guess the judeo-christian upbribing doesn't help at all) but I am becoming more and more unapologetic when I choose myself. 

Yes, I do have honour and pride. I discovered and rediscovered them over the years of perpetual deconstruction and reconstruction. (my life is a fabulous rollercoaster, perhaps someday I'll tell it all, but the pain and the horrors are still being processed so... someday. not now.) 

So I learned to say no. 

I said no to an abusive job that was bringing me to my knees. I wouldn't have lasted one more year in this hell. I wasn't myself anymore, constantly exhausted from carrying this whole business on my shoulders (and the shoulders of my Main Husband). I couldn't deal with the disrespect and the greed. I didn't have to please anyone, show just how good I was at my job, make other people richer and healthier while I worked myself to the bones. so I said no. I said fuck it! I left. I am healing. There are days when the mention of the old job makes my skin crawl, nights when I can't sleep.. nightmares that follow me. but there are days when I can breathe and I'm happy and it feels good to not be there. 

I said no to abusive people in my life. I have decided that not everyone was going to like me and I'm fine with it. I love those I love. I chose my people. I went through really terrible things before and now that I am finally surrounded with loving people, why should I bother with people who don't like me? I won't. I'm fine with people who don't like me as long as they remain polite and decent when we are together. brightness attracts brightness and those who love you would come to you. there's no place for darkness and if someone bring it on, you can tell them "no" and let them have their issues on their own. it's their burden, not yours. it's their anger/hatred./ whatever it is not yours. but most importantly, it's their loss and not yours. 

I said "no" today. the Non-profit I'm working with is nice but from time to time you have assholes sliding into it. this man was horrendous, condescending, abusive and after I gave him one chance and acted in a diplomatic way. I decided to fuck him up and let the president of said non-profit deal with this individual. 

It felt good.

it felt liberating.

I feel a little bit guilty.

but I feel so good. 

So yes, you have to say "no" especially when others try to take advantage of you.