The power of saying No

the power of saying No. 

It took me a while to get there, to know that I could actually say "no" and understand that sometimes I had to think about my health (mental or physical) before anything else. I had to protect them because nobody would.  It took me years not to feel guilt and frankly, I still do, (to some extent, I guess the judeo-christian upbribing doesn't help at all) but I am becoming more and more unapologetic when I choose myself. 

Yes, I do have honour and pride. I discovered and rediscovered them over the years of perpetual deconstruction and reconstruction. (my life is a fabulous rollercoaster, perhaps someday I'll tell it all, but the pain and the horrors are still being processed so... someday. not now.) 

So I learned to say no. 

I said no to an abusive job that was bringing me to my knees. I wouldn't have lasted one more year in this hell. I wasn't myself anymore, constantly exhausted from carrying this whole business on my shoulders (and the shoulders of my Main Husband). I couldn't deal with the disrespect and the greed. I didn't have to please anyone, show just how good I was at my job, make other people richer and healthier while I worked myself to the bones. so I said no. I said fuck it! I left. I am healing. There are days when the mention of the old job makes my skin crawl, nights when I can't sleep.. nightmares that follow me. but there are days when I can breathe and I'm happy and it feels good to not be there. 

I said no to abusive people in my life. I have decided that not everyone was going to like me and I'm fine with it. I love those I love. I chose my people. I went through really terrible things before and now that I am finally surrounded with loving people, why should I bother with people who don't like me? I won't. I'm fine with people who don't like me as long as they remain polite and decent when we are together. brightness attracts brightness and those who love you would come to you. there's no place for darkness and if someone bring it on, you can tell them "no" and let them have their issues on their own. it's their burden, not yours. it's their anger/hatred./ whatever it is not yours. but most importantly, it's their loss and not yours. 

I said "no" today. the Non-profit I'm working with is nice but from time to time you have assholes sliding into it. this man was horrendous, condescending, abusive and after I gave him one chance and acted in a diplomatic way. I decided to fuck him up and let the president of said non-profit deal with this individual. 

It felt good.

it felt liberating.

I feel a little bit guilty.

but I feel so good. 

So yes, you have to say "no" especially when others try to take advantage of you.