PrAsma: Kiss me

A/N: Today I was in need of a little levity and I noticed that I haven't written enough non-conflictual situations with my poor babies. They existed, those good moments between the two of them and they still exist, but I am not very good at telling those good bits:o Lou gave me a little push for today so this little sugary thing came out of it:D cause one way or another, she loves that bastard and he does give her enough reasons for her to keep on loving him.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

« Stay still Pride. Just a couple minutes more and I'll be done with your portrait. Okay ? »

He was posing for her, at her request. She was able to grab hold onto him during a break he took from his Underworld business and decided that she wouldn't let go of him unless it was an urgent matter. Pride noticed how alive she was as if he'd lit up a flame once he got home. He didn't quite know the impact his absence had on the human and couldn't really appreciate the joyful behavior she displayed on his return, but he wasn't dense. She very obviously felt relieved when she was in his presence and the joy she displayed was genuine and heartfelt. He wasn't used to being greeted with such enthusiasm and without a hidden agenda. Asma was simple, she was relaxing. She was predictable to some extent. She never asked for more than she already had, for him to be next to her and sharing mundane activities so she wouldn't be driven mad by the imposed solitude due to her situation.

She never asked for more than his arms wrapped around her smaller human frame and for maybe his eyes to stare into hers. She knew what she had signed for from the very beginning. She knew she was standing in between a goddess and a deity but she didn't care and it probably had to do with him influencing her despite his best efforts to keep her the way she was. Asma grew feelings for him and owned them despite him not giving them back. He never said he loved her and she knew he couldn't because there was Elpis in between them. She knew he could never say them back because he couldn't understand her emotions or the human concept of feelings. He took.. and took.. and took until there was nothing left. He was vanity made flesh after all and she fed it to him.

Asma fed his ego, his vanity by loving him so much that there might be nothing left of her. She consumed herself with the cruel fire of love and one could ask her why she wanted to keep going despite him about to ruin her? How could she love a thing that posed as a man whose only purpose was to destroy mankind and the rest of the pantheon of gods? How could she? How could Elpis even? Such a bright goddess whose purpose was to bright light around her and yet who lost her ways for love. Asma didn't have the answer, but she knew that deep down, Pride was more than he posed as. She knew there was something inside of him worth loving. It wasn't just because of Elpis and the memories of them together she projected inside of her. It wasn't just because he saved her from a certain death. She felt it somewhere while staying with him, that there was something inside she could love and could at least appreciate her existence. She felt it so it must have been there and she chose to believe it was. He wasn't a « thing » or a « creature » in her eyes. He was him. He was someone she grew close to and she fell in love with. It didn't matter if he wasn't human, she could care less knowing he was from another world or a god. She wanted him, all of him.

« I am sitting still Asma. I have been for quite some time now, aren't you finished? »

« I am now.» She said with a soft smile on her lips before she put the brush aside and ran her hands over her pink locks. He watched as she stretched her limbs and walked towards him. She was done and probably had been done for quite some time already and simply wanted to keep him next to her for some time. He tilted his head to the side and let her come to him. Her hands stroked his shirt-clad chest while his fingers grabbed her waist. He was sitting on a high stool, towering the human even more but she didn't mind. Her eyes were intensely looking at him, at those majestic blue orbs that kept changing with his emotions. She learned how to decode them. She knew when they were filled with anger, with contempt and satisfaction or with lust. She knew when he was concerned about her or when he felt a sudden urge to be tender with her. Maybe tenderness was the most she could get from him and for the human who thought he would never look twice at her, it was quite the accomplishment. He cared and it was more than she could afford so of course, it gave her hope.

« Are you? » His infamous grin crept on his lips, making her heart melt and her knees weak. Asma nodded quietly and moved her hands upwards so she could wrap them around his neck. He pulled her up, forcing the human on her toes as his hands wrapped around her waist and secured her in this position, against his frame. She kept staring at him, her fingers mind-absently stroking the back of his neck and his shoulder, causing goosebumps to cover his skin. Pride shivered and pulled her closer to his frame, pressing her supple flesh against his toned one.

« I am. » Asma whispered, not really willing to interrupt such an intimate moment when there was nothing between them to interrupt. « You seem relaxed?» She suggested, semi-asking a question to make sure he wouldn't throw a fit or anything would come up and ruin the short time they had together. He pondered her words, knowing full well there was no rest for a sin and he couldn't possibly tell her the dangers he was trying to protect her from or the fact he nearly died a couple of times due to rebellious siblings.

« Things seem to work in my favor today, so yes I am. » He said as he stroked her soft cheek with the back of his hand. Asma shivered and looked down at the floor for a minute. He was larger than life and in a moment like this one, when she was close enough to look at him straight in his eyes, Asma realized that she really was a small thing compared to him. She was mortal, weak and filled with emotions she couldn't always understand or control. Her eyes shifted from left to right, her lips trembled and she finally felt his fingers push her face up so she could look at him again.

He didn't want to see her worry about his business in the Underworld, or fill her pretty head with ideas of her potential death like at the beginning of their 'relationship'. She wasn't questioning him like she used to and didn't look like she was afraid anymore and an Asma who wasn't afraid was actually an Asma whose company he enjoyed a lot. The golden highlights of her eyes seemed to glow a little more and she gave him a sheepish smile. His gaze was intense as he studied her face for a second and wondered why on Earth he grew this attached to this mortal. He couldn't say. Of course, it was easier for him to pretend he wasn't attached to her and it only was because Elpis inhabited her but he couldn't help but think that it had everything to do with her, being herself. He cupped her cheek with his large hand and leaned a little bit forward, so his face would only be inches from hers. Her heart started to beat fast and she put her hand over his. Pride felt how anxious she suddenly got and furrowed his brows.

« What's wrong? »

« Nothing. It's just. » She bit her bottom lip and shook her head. « I'm intimidated all of a sudden. » She admitted to him, as her fingers gently stroked the skin of the back of his hand. 

« Why is that? Are you afraid of me? » He wondered, his brows furrowed as he didn't know what she meant. She shook her head.

« No. » He cupped her other cheek, his azure gaze never leaving her face. Asma shrugged and kept rubbing the back of his hands. She looked so tiny compared to him and filled with doubt. Asma bit at her bottom lip, unable to get the words out of her chest. Pride noticed she was hiding something and curious about what she didn't tell him, Pride insisted a little bit. She always needed a little push. « Maybe. When you're angry I am afraid of you. But I am not, not now... I am not afraid of you. » She said as she finally looked into his eyes. She let a sigh escape from her lips and held onto his hands. « It's just... sometimes I don't know how to express myself...I don't know if you understand just how much I am in love with you Pride. It beats me, it really does. I don't understand how it is possible and yet it is... and yet I am in love with you... and yet I want you. Now, tomorrow, yesterday. » She bit her bottom lip harder, stress building up inside of her to the point of having trouble breathing. She loved him but she knew her words meant nothing and it hurt, so she bit her lip until it bled so she wouldn't cry in front of him. Pride watched her, his intense dark blue eyes were staring at the blood trickling down her chin and he set her left cheek free so he could clean it up.

«You're right about something, I don't understand why you feel that way for me. You don't know what I am. You don't know what I can do. You don't seem to understand that I am not human Asma. I would never be. »

« I don't want you to be. I don't need you to be Pride. » She said, releasing her wounded lip from her teeth. He cleaned it up with a touch and straightened on the stool.

« What do you possibly want then? » People always gave to receive something in return. Asma didn't seem to want anything specific. She never asked for him to say the words, to return her affection for her and yet never failed to whisper to him « I love you » here and then whenever they became intimate or whenever they could sleep next to one another. She always claimed her love and he could tell by the way she painted him that she thought the world of him. It could have been devotion and in a way, she was devoted to him, genuinely so. Pride was curious because while she didn't voice her demands, he did catch the frustration in her face, the anxiety, and the sadness. He knew she did want something, dreamed about it but until she expressed it openly to him, the Sin couldn't tell what it was, he couldn't really guess. Or maybe he could but didn't want to guess. It would force him to question himself about his own feelings.

« Kiss me, please. » She managed to say while her hazel eyes stared at him. « I just want... I just want to feel you.. touch you, hug you.. kiss you. I just want to feel. I just want to feel that. I just want to feel... I think. I think. » She felt her eyes fill themselves with unshed tears. She didn't know how to convey her emotions or let him know that what she felt for him was so strong she couldn't contain it. She wanted him to feel things the way she did, to realize just how much she was willing to give him, but what if he already knew but didn't want any of it? She tried her best not to cry, thinking that it was giving away too much of her heart and she might have been vulnerable to him but Pride, somehow, knew she needed just a little nudge to feel reassured so he would give it to her.

« Asma. Asma, it's alright. Just breathe it in. Come on, breathe. » He said as he patted her cheek and pushed himself off of the stool so he could stand up and she could put her feet flat on the ground. She did as he said but couldn't prevent herself from crying a couple of tears.

« It's not alright.... I long for you to tell me I matter to you. I long for you to tell me that when you kiss me, it's not Elpis you kiss but me. I am full of desire for you and it's burning me from inside and there is nothing I can do for that. I love you Pride. I do.. and it's hurting me you know. »

« I know. » He said, his throat tightening while he still cupped her cheeks. « I also do know that you are not disposable. You're not just Elpis vessel. I know that. » He didn't know what she was, not yet, it was too soon. He already had to process that Elpis existed and he had been robbed of millennia with her and now that he had found her, he grew attached to her vessel. To which extent he couldn't say. But he knew that he wanted her alive and he wanted her well. He loved when she was happy, was able to right all the wrongs were done to her and enjoyed her presence. He might have been falling in love with her instead of the goddess or all of that was just a huge misunderstanding and confusion because she looked exactly like his goddess, save a lot less godly like Elpis was. Asma shut her eyes tight, so she wouldn't look into his and stiffened at the sensation of his digits sinking into the skin of her face to hold her tighter. It made her shut her eyes tighter as she refused to open them to look at him.

« What am I to you Pride? What am I if not just her vessel? Am I your pet ? » he scoffed and shook his head.

« No. Of course not! You're not my pet. »

« Then... what am I? » She asked, opening her eyes to stare at him again, her voice strangled with a sob that refused to escape from her throat.

« I don't know.... yet. » He decided to admit. It wasn't much but it was enough for the pink haired artist to realize that maybe, there was a tiny chance for her to become something more than just his devotee. He groaned, annoyed at feeling uncomfortable in front of her. The sin told her the truth. He didn't know what she was to him or what he felt for her. All he knew was that at this moment, he didn't want her to be worried or sad. He didn't want them to part with her thinking even less of herself than she did at this moment. She made her demands clear, she wanted to be kissed so he would kiss her.

« I see... I understand. » She said, opening her eyes again while fresh tears kept on rolling onto her cheeks. He wiped them out with the back of his hands and planted a kiss on each of her eyes. « I understand really, you can.. you can let me go. I'll be in my room. » she felt like he would deny her a kiss and was mentally preparing herself to go back to her room so she pushed herself away from him and tried to leave but he grabbed her hands and held them tightly. Asma looked up at him again, confused as to why he was acting this gently towards her but he gave her a smile.

« You wouldn't leave without your kiss now, would you? »

« Are you ?... » She didn't finish her sentence as he bent forward and pressed his lips against hers. It was a soft kiss, almost just a peck as he pulled away from her, only a few inches so she could look at him again. It sent a shiver down her spine and she cupped both of his cheeks for a second one. She pressed her lips against his for a harder kiss and then pulled away. She was panting, eyes almost glowing as she didn't quite know what to make of this.

Everytime Pride kissed Asma, it sent shivers down her spine. For a minute she forgot everything that made her sad or worried. She forgot everything that made her wonder and unsafe. She forgot how dangerous her life became.. how empty without her dog Rosie it was when Pride left their home. She forgot that she was a vessel and a living breathing goddess was trapped within her. She forgot that by the end of her journey, Pride might leave never to return. She only focused on how he made her feel. She focused on him, on how good he felt against her, on his taste in her mouth and his warmth. She focused on how much she didn't want to spend another day without him. Her heart raced inside of her ribcage, her stomach felt like a billion butterflies tried to escape from it. She couldn't stand so he held her tightly. He smiled at her and pressed his lips to hers once again, this time allowing his tongue to lick against her entrance so they could deepen the kiss for a proper make-out session. She allowed it, closing her eyes to relish in the moment while he lifted her above the floor and slowly walked towards the table he laid her on. She moaned in between their kiss and when he broke it, she smiled at him, coyly so.

« Kiss me again...and again.. and again. » She whispered as he wiped her tears off of her face.

« You don't need to ask for a kiss Asma. » He said with a chuckle, nuzzling her neck while she let her fingers slid into his thick luscious hair. He rested his forehead against her shoulder, sniffing her delicious soft smell -Fresh grass and wet ground like Elpis- and kissed the sensitive skin there. « I do want to kiss you most of the time. »

« I felt the need to. It's the only moment I get to feel like I matter. When you kiss me like there is no tomorrow. » She admitted, stroking his shoulders and planting a couple of kisses on his neck.

« You matter to me. Despite what you might think. You do matter to me as yourself, not as a vessel. » He pointed out, which made her heart stop and her lips tremble. « Why do you look so sad now Asma? Are my kisses that bad? » He teased her, knowing full well his kisses were perfect. She shook her head and chuckled softly. « Then what is it? »

« I matter to you...I never thought I did.... but I do. » She said pressing her lips against his before she leaned her forehead against his chest.

« Yes, you do. » He said, petting her hair before he wrapped his arms around her chest to embrace her completely.

« I don't think you understand Pride. It's you.. every time I have to think about my life and what I'd choose to be happy, it's you I choose. It's always been you. It will always be you. I want you. I love you. I choose you. » She said before she hugged him again. « Obviously you don't. I get it...you will never.. but.. when we kiss, I get to pretend you choose me and if that's all I can get from you then so be it. You make me feel alive, you make me feel..so much. So, to know that I matter to you as well. My heart is happy.. and scared but mostly happy, so... so yes I matter. »

« You very much do. » He said in a chuckle before he leaned his chin on top of her head and kept the embrace for a while.

(TBC)

S.o.Asma ! Failing

A/N: All usual disclaimers

xxx

Jax pushed open the door of the bar Asma was sitting at. She accidentally sent him a message instead of Jessica reading « I fucked up ! » followed by several messages where she gave Jessica the address of the bar she went to. After a year and so of being sober, the anniversary of her brother Cody was coming soon and suddenly everything in Charming reminded her of him. The gangs.. how she hated the gangs. They were responsible for her brother's death since he was a member of the One-Niners and while she managed to ignore seeing them around, today she couldn't. One of them noticed her shop and came for a tattoo. He offered a lot of bucks and she agreed way before she realized he was one of the Niners. Her blood turned cold and she remained silent for the rest of the day as she proceeded to ink her client. The tattoo artist kept her feelings to herself in order not to make a fuss about a situation that could escalate very quickly. The work lasted three hours but it was a gorgeous one and she was very proud of herself.

It didn't hit her until much later, at the dawn of the day, when she found herself on her own. She decided that she wouldn't race tonight and instead would try to relax. She would buy some of her favorite take-out, would put some music and would maybe watch Netflix. Any other day would have been a good time for her to do so, but tonight wasn't. Tonight she couldn't. Confined in her house, she only saw Death. Every corner of it had a memory with Cody attached to it. Where he used to lay his feet against, the chair he used to sit at when he came home or even any of his stupid pranks he made for her. Cody lost his ways and had blood on his hands but he used to be a good soul, he still kept some parts of that when he tried to rescue his sister from the abusive monster she used to be engaged to. So she couldn't sleep. She couldn't relax and she felt the urge coming. The desperate need for a drink came through and she couldn't fight it anymore. Her throat was dry and couldn't seem to get better. Her heart was bleeding out as if she'd scratched open a wound and without even thinking twice, she went to a bar she wasn't used to. They didn't know her, they wouldn't possibly know she went to AA meetings so they would serve her without questions and this is exactly what happened that evening. She drank. Not enough to get stupid drunk, but enough to know she shouldn't have and feel miserable. So she texted Jessica, in hopes her friend would come find her and shake some sense into her.

« What are you doing here ?' » Her voice was hoarse and raspy due to the high level of alcohol in her veins.

She blinked and looked around for Jessica but it only was Jax. Stiff and worried, the pink haired tattoo artist straightened on her seat as he put his keys on the table and ordered a drink. He sat by her, his icy blue eyes staring at the woman in front of him. He didn't know her very well per say, Jessica spent more time with her. He did know enough to see that she wasn't a threat to his family at all. She inked the name of Jessica on his skin and she inked his name and the boys' name on hers so at least he owed her a little bit of consideration. They occasionally talked and bantered but it never really was that serious. It never was « come pick me up at 3 am in the morning at a bar » kind of relationship and yet here he was, sitting next to her.

« You called for help miss. I am helping. » He said as he ordered a glass of whiskey. As the bartender fetched him his glass, she quietly crossed her arms over her chest in a defensive position and looked at him. He was intimidating her, because of the way he was carrying himself. He looked calm and collected which for Asma wasn't that much of a good sign. She bit her bottom lip and ran her hand through her curly dyed pink locks.

« I didn't call for your help Jax. I am fine. I'll be on my way. » She said as she tried to leave, but he shook his head and grabbed her arm, preventing her from leaving the seat. She was intoxicated, how could she even think about going home on her own in that state? He shook his head and had her remain seated while he savored his glass.

« It doesn't matter if it was me or my wife. You sent it to the wrong number anyway. »

« Yeah, I am fucking lucky, mate. » She said as she shrugged her shoulders and leaned against her chair. He looked at her and furrowed his brows. She had quite the mouth on her but he knew it was just a defense mechanism. She couldn't do much aside from sassing her way out so he simply shrugged at it and furrowed his brows quietly.

« Not really miss. You're in trouble with me and you better be fucking honest if you don't want to be in troubles with Jess. What do you think would happen if she walked in and she found you drunk and sorry uh? » He didn't raise his tone, but she didn't need him to. His face said all the words he needed to say. He actually cared for the woman. From all the stories and comments his wife told him since she met Asma, she sounded like a good and honest soul, except with a drinking problem and a harsh past. He could see Jessica wanted to protect her friend and make her feel welcome in this little town and had noticed the efforts made by Asma to keep herself on the right track. She was a good soul, and he could use someone who wasn't in the business but close enough to them to count on her. She had wit, she was funny and she definitely was honest and genuine in her love for his wife.

« She would want to know why I got into troubles, to begin with. » She said, pouting as her hazel eyes stared into his blue ones. He lifted a brow and took several sips of his beverage.

« And why did you drink on the fucking day of your anniversary? You almost made it Azz. You almost made it. » He said taking another sip.

« I know. Don't you think I feel ashamed mate? » She furrowed her brows and clenched her teeth.  « Thing is... my brother died today. He was a one Niners. I always told him 'Cody, one day you gonna get fucked and you won't come back from this.' and he always laughed. He always laughed. » She said shrugging her shoulders off. « He died like he lived. I was pissed off on the first year of his death because he was a fucking idiot who got himself killed but then.. then.. two years later I miss him. That's all there is. I fucking miss him. I miss feeling his presence, I miss feeling protected and I am alone. My life is shit because I can't do shit about it Jax. I am miserable and it hit me today. So, I thought, 'you know what? Go grab yourself that drink. It's not as if someone would notice if you weren't there.' kind of shit. » She said, leaning her chin against the back of her hands.

« You missed him, sure, but Azz, you drank and heavily so. » He curbed a bow, making her pout even more and stroke her arms.

« I know. I fucked up. » She closed her eyes and groaned painfully. Her head was banging and she let put her forehead against the back of her hands. He finished his drink and looked at her.

« Yeah, you did. I know how much it takes to someone to actually achieve it. Succeed in being sober and shit. It's a lot of effort, man. It took you a lot of strength to get there and that's how I know you'll get there again. It's okay. I'm taking you back home safely and you will safely tuck yourself to bed young lady. »

« Whowowowowoah! Jax! You're not my dad!  Jess might be Mama but you're not my fucking dad! » She said, pouting even harder before she shook her head and yawned. Alcohol was tiring her fast and she leaned against the table again. « I thought you'd hate me you know? » She said as he stood up and grabbed his keys.

« Why would I? You inked Jess and I. You're good to her.»

« That I am. I love her Jax. I love her like a sister I never had. It's funny because when I first met you, I assumed you were very bad people with very bad morals and you couldn't even know what love was. And then you came to my shop and all I saw was a man who loved his woman. You loved her. I wept inside. I wanted a man who looked at me the way you look at her... always dreamed about it, but always got shit, cause I'm shit. So.. I envy you two because you found each other and I am grateful you did because I can witness it and save it somewhere in my brain. » She said as she stumbled and struggled to stand up. Jax held her gently and pushed her forward so she could start walking towards his bike. How on Earth did she think it was a good idea to walk home by herself when she couldn't even stand? Jessica would have freaked out and knowing his wife, would have spent the night next to her until she got better.

« Well.... got lucky I met darlin' you know? She chose Charming and I like to think it wasn't just hazardous but fucking fate you see? Like we had to meet one another. Don't make me say sappy shit like that and don't tell her I said that. »

« My lips are zipped! » She said before she tripped and nearly fell on the floor. He grabbed her by the waist and wrapped a solid arm around her waist and walked towards his bike. « Yours shall be zipped too. She doesn't know I love her this much yet... she might have an idea, but I want to tell her this myself. Do we have a deal? »

« Ahahah yes we do. Now hop on the bike and let me take you to our place. You'd sleep in the guest room and Darlin' would come see you in the morning. »

He was unusually kind tonight. Maybe Jax softened up because she was celebrating her brother's anniversary and was vulnerable. Maybe he softened because she was a friend of Jessica and grew into appreciating him. Maybe he softened because he could see himself in the hopelessness that radiated from her. He couldn't say and he didn't want to know.

Tonight, he simply took a friend home.

Pride and Elpis: Candle in the wind

PRIDE IS MY FRIEND CHARACTER AND ELPIS IS MINE

Xxx


Hope was like a lit candle. It was a flame that could burn as brightly as a thousand suns but could be extinguished as fast as a sneeze. Elpis embodied Hope and for millennia she allowed humans and other gods to feel hope and she struggled to set herself free from the curse cast upon her.  She was driven by one thing and one thing only: Her love for Pride. It was the main reason of her curse, to begin with, and the reason her pantheon was destroyed.  She might have been weakened by the seal, her connection to her siblings didn't disappear so she knew they were gone.  



Alone in her prison of flesh, the goddess of hope was slowly starting to give up on being able to escape from it one day. She slowly found her flame suffocating as doubt invaded her body. She might not have her whole power, she could still enter the human dreams and memories. pride had changed. Fundamentally became a worse version of what she first knew of him. A version that never knew her and grew to be what he had always been. There was no love for her inside of him. There was no warmth whatsoever. So why would she bother? Why would she come out of this vessel if it only was to find desolation and heartbreak? She slowly lost hope to find what was stolen from her. 



Asma felt the change inside of her. She felt Elpis giving up on fighting. She felt that little hopeful flame gets extinguished and wept for the goddess and herself. Maybe it was solitude that made Elpis withdraw herself that way or maybe it was the certainty of not being able to reach out to Pride's core and ultimately just being reduced to vanity prize that hurt the elder goddess. She couldn't pick up where they left. It was gone, forever gone and she knew his older ways. She knew he could never give her what she deserved something good and stable and genuine. He could not. She couldn't. So the hope was gone. Despair remained. If she couldn't have Pride, she still made a promise. To find him, to avenge them both and she shall. She would be driven by her urge to make Ayasha and Ishtar pay for what they did. She would wipe out their allies and then maybe. If Pride still wanted to destroy earth and mankind, slaughter all pantheons, she shall fall by his hands. 



That was the plan, but Elpis knew deep down that it was all smoke to hide away from the realization that her love didn't mean anything anymore and probably never had. Deep down, it was all smoke to ignore her undying love towards her lethal enemy. 

(Tbc) 

Ayasha, and leviathan: plotting

A/N: my characters! 
xxx


Ayasha disliked Earth. She hated the idea of inhabiting vessels to be able to communicate on Earth. She disliked those vain and weak creatures that humans were and yet, Poseidon requested a meeting on Earth after he talked to the All-mother Gaea about finding Elpis And his plan to punish his sister.  Ayasha chose a blue-eyed blond to Inhabit, a gorgeous creature by human standards. She went to meet Leviathan, the primeval god of the Oceans who chose for himself a handsome black man to host him. 


"Greetings brother." She said as she sat on the chair of the coffee shop they met at. He watched her silhouette, clad in a skin-tight skirt with a white shirt and shrugged at the vision before him. 



"Greetings sister. I have spoken to mother." He didn't wait any longer to talk about the matters at hand Ayasha pursed her glossy lips and crossed her legs on the other side. 



"What did she say? Does she understand why we have to do it?" She furrowed her blonde brows but leviathan shook his head. Gaea loved her daughter too much to even consider killing her. 



" she thinks the curse is enough of a punishment. I oppose this idea. Elpis went too far when she gave herself to that abomination. We need to remain pure." 



" I agree.  She did refuse to marry you if I am correct. " Ayasha knew what she was doing. Making the god even angrier than he was at first was the best strategy to make him want to continue the mission and kill Elpis for good. Ayasha knew that her sister would come back with a vengeance and she wanted to eliminate a potential fraternal war because of her and the gods who loved her.



" don't even start talking about it. I would have forced her if Ishtar didn't intervene. She would have forgotten about Pride if she were with me." He said in a low growl. 



" I know. Mother doesn't want us to kill Elpis but we do not need her permission Leviathan. We would find her and destroy her. I bought the dagger of fate with me. If we stab her vessel, she would die along with her. Can I count on you brother? Would you carry out this mission ?" 



"Of course." He said as he pressed his fingers against one another. Ayasha grinned at him and ran a hand through her golden locks. " she shouldn't have been cursed the first time around. She should have died but Ishtar failed because he was too sentimental. What do we know about her current situation ?"



"This is where it becomes difficult." The goddess of knowledge still hated the fact the mere presence of the sin prevented her from locating Elpis vessel but her minions worked hard to locate her sister. Her only consolation was that Envy located her and they had a clear shot at killing the human and eventually Elpis at the same time. "I can't locate her easily. She is always with this sin and it's difficult to track them down. I can't see his energy signature. He cloaks himself very well." She said in a sigh. She was frustrated and it visibly didn't amuse her brother who growled loudly to mark his disappointment. She feigned to feel scared of him and shivered hard enough for him to notice. 



" it is alright sister. I am not going to attack you for something you can't help. I am sure you will find a way to locate Elpis And help us get rid of her and the sin. In the meantime I, suggest you give me the dagger and I will make sure she is dead once you know where she is." 



"It seems like we have an agreement there." She said with a smile on her face.  " I cannot wait until she is gone." 



" why do you hate her so much?" He asked, curious about Ayasha who didn't even bother hiding her dislike for Elpis. She shrugged at his question and nodded quietly.



" she is responsible for the ruin of our family. How could I love her?" She asked, tapping her fingers over her soft pale skin. " Mother is loving. She can't ever come to hate her, obviously. But we will make sure this traitor gets what she deserves. Or is there a problem Leviathan ?"



"No problem at all sister.  Consider the job done. " he said, standing up not leave the coffee shop. 



"Wait, brother. It would be a pity to come here and give ourselves some troubles if we couldn't spend some time alone. I haven't been on Earth for millennia and I am quiet curious about this new era."



" I don't babysit. You would have to explore on your own and that is if Ishtar isn't breathing on your neck. " Leviathan didn't like that Ishtar became this powerful but he was the new all-father now and he had to kneel before him. 



"He is busy killing the rest of the rebellion and I am still looking for Elpis so he won't find it suspicious at all." She said tapping her fingers on the table " but fine. I will explore alone." 



"Good. I will see you soon sister." He snapped his fingers and vanished in a blue  light. Ayasha smiled to herself, that was one pawn moved forward her victory and she knew it only was a matter of time before  Elpis and her vessel would be dead. 

Dean and Oya : frailty thy name is

A/N: Some plane writings. All usual disclaimers


Xx


Oya rolled on her side. She woke up minutes ago, overwhelmed with the thought of her family. It started out simply, with a song she heard on the radio. One of kalusha's favorite tunes. After they killed the Asanbosam, Oya realized that she accomplished her mission and had nothing else more. No more purpose left except Doing her job. Saving people. It was all that was left for her to do. A job she was trained forever since she was a kid. A job that became her life. Her raison d'être. As she glanced at Dean and stroked his cheek, she smiled softly. There was something else she wanted to do. Something more. Protecting Dean.



The song left her with a sensation of emptiness, mixed with her guilt of being alive when her family was destroyed by her fault. Kalusha was a good lad, hot-blooded maybe but good in his heart. He would always make sure Oya wasn't injured or left with untreated Injuries. He would watch upon her when she was sick and cook for her when she was hungry. 



He took care of her when she drank that terrible potion and stayed with her even after she recovered. He was a great brother. The best she ever had. Her eyes quickly filled themselves with unshed tears  as she realized she missed him. She spent so many years hating on the image of her brother, tainted by the vile creature that took over his body, that she didn't take the time to mourn for him. She mourned for her parents. Wrote letters she never sent to them and accepted their deaths. But Kalusha? It never happened until this morning. She missed him. It was over. Her hunt was over. 



" you know... I would do anything I can to protect you. You and Sam.  I know you Would never ask for that, but I would give my life to endure your survival and Sam's. I would die for you. When the moment comes and all I have to do is step in, I would. " 



She had made up her mind already. It was a no-brainer. If someone had to survive a hunt, it would be him. Sam needed him and he needed sam. The world could collapse, as long as they had each other, it was all that mattered. Oya picked that up very quickly. She wouldn't want it any other way because she knew how it felt to lose your entire family. There was nothing left of her. Nothing left inside except maybe those feelings she didn't ask for.  



They changed her plans to die along the Asanbosam. They changed her plans to act recklessly until death took her. But Oya was a death seeker and it wouldn't go with a snap of a finger or newfound feelings. She would want to die for a noble cause. A sacrifice, if she could, would be the best way. Her life would have had to mean. She would die for Dean because he still had a family. He still had someone to whom he meant the world and she refused to take it away from him. 



Her logic was flawed. Her urge wasn't rational. He said she was family and yet, she knew that Sam would always be above anything else and reasonably so. But she wanted to protect him and she would. No Matter how much it would cost her, she would make sure he was alive. She cupped his cheek and stroked it kindly while her thoughts raced in her mind and she turned on her side so he would not see her cry. Her brother was gone, her parents as well and she refused to let it happen to the brothers again. She'd keep him alive at all costs and do her job at the same time. She'd watch him so Sam would not have to deal with it. 



"I'll make sure Team free will won't miss their most important members." She whispered as she wrapped Dean's arm around her waist for the rest of the night. It was an oath to herself, a promise she made to him to spare him from the heartbreak caused by the loss of a loved one. 



(TBC) 

Pride and Asma: Human emotions

She sketched Pride, but her sketches were less and less accurate and more abstract. Pride left and no matter what the reasons were, Asma felt like he didn't actually care about "her" the human. he ensured she had enough to eat so she wouldn't starve during his absence, but that was about it.

All this time on her own gave her the opportunity to venture outside and encounter Envy who slowly started to work his way into the human's mind. Ideas such as Pride would never care about her because he despises humans, that he didn't even care about Elpis back in the days but enjoyed being the first and "owning" her through her irresponsible affection towards him. Of course, he didn't call the names and used metaphors to suggest the ideas. Pride didn't love her. he'd rather be with his sibling Lust -courtesy of Elpis' dreams- because they were akin.

Only her could understand him in ways neither Asma or Elpis could. Only her could help him achieve his goals. This broke the human's heart who decided to sketch her pain away. she didn't have any companion outside of her sketchbooks. She couldn't have any aside from Envy she met during one of her transgressions, but even him didn't see her more than twice a week to keep her mind busy with thoughts.

The passion that existed in her heart didn't cease but was followed with melancholia and the typical sadness one would feel after a break-up. They couldn't even break up.. they were nothing. she was nothing to him and for the first time since she got forced into this situation, Asma realized that she might not have the strength to keep going like that. so she sketched and cried herself to sleep, wishing she never felt this way for the sin and that maybe, ultimately, dying wasn't so bad if it could take that pain away. Jealousy was consuming her along with a general envy of Elpis previous relationship with him and the fact he was doing all of this to save /her// what could Asma do against gods, sins and all the supernatural creatures? she was just human, trash in the eyes of the gods. Nothing but a sand grain in the eye. Human.. and afraid.

SOA: Life by proxy

She sometimes woke up in the middle of the night, in a panic state she couldn't explain. All seemed to be okay, last time she checked her life was back on track but something always felt off and she couldn't pinpoint what it exactly was up until that very night.

It had been several years now since she ran away from Oscar and tried to have a better life first in Boston and then in Charming but it never quite happened. She lived in fear of being found by the very man who broke her to pieces. she always looked past her shoulders to make sure he wasn't following her or wasn't in town. Charming seemed to have allowed her a fresh and potential new start but something ruined her chances at the beginning.

Someone did.

His name was Elias Tobbins. She fell in love with Elias against all logic and it backfired on her. Elias was a man consumed with revenge. He was living with the ghost of the past and unable to move on from the tragedy that struck him. She understood, how could she blame him? He lost his wife to the Nazi gang of Charming so he decided to give them hell. how could she stand in the way? but how could she let this man, who decided from the very beginning that any feelings he might have for her would never trump those he had for his late wife and daughter, how could she let him ruin her like he did?

He gave her breadcrumbs of love. He gave her just enough for her to want more but never enough to make her feel good about herself. she resumed drinking, she resumed hiding, she resumed wishing she was dead instead. In a way, she already was. Waking up, going to work, inking some skin and making money was just because she still had to take care of her mother who was at this senior care clinic. she had to make sure her mother would be treated well and wouldn't miss anything, so she had to work, but she was empty inside. Elias did this to her. he made her feel like she wasn't enough and would never be. That she was too messed up to sustain a healthy relationship. that she was... that she should be grateful to get what he gave her. breadcrumbs...

Almost a year since Elias left her and Asma realized that despite everything going well in her life -her job, her friends, her health- her bed was still cold and empty. her heart was still closed and maybe for good. Her self-esteem was lower than before and she was sad. it started like nothing, Jessica was happy, married with kids and soon a kid of her own. she was able to build her life despite what Asma perceived as a complicated life. she was able to take a leap of faith and jump off the cliff with Jax, holding his hand no matter what. it was comforting to see that this kind of relationship could exist but it was worse to realize that she might not be able to pull this off herself. she didn't have the right tools. she was just yet another face in the long list of people who've been abused in their past and ruined by substances. Just a random addict whose life would quickly be forgotten because she didn't mean anything.

and it should make her furious but it didn't.

She couldn't afford yet another disaster. Maybe people smelled on her the fact she was a victim? maybe people could see how much of a disappointment she was? maybe people knew she was to be avoided because she didn't bring anything to the table except a huge emotional baggage. Maybe it was for the best... she clenched her fists and grabbed the sheets. Living by proxy seemed to be the safest way. Being close to happiness without touching it with her own fingers. Just like some people got lucky and others get into accidents, some people could find real true strong and healthy love and others could just pull the bad numbers. It was the ways of the world, luck didn't bless everyone.

Yet.. she still was sad. Her heart was wrecked. I wanted to feel love again, smile and dance and jump around but the truth was...

What your heart wants isn't always what you needed. So she swallowed those feelings back, wiped the tears off of her face and stood up to go to the kitchen and fetch herself some fresh water. She might have been alone. At least now she was sober.

For the worst and the better.

DOYA : ten things I hate about you

A/N: inspired by the 10 things I like about Doya, as asked by my BFF Lou some days ago:p Oya's POV. She's not gonna send it but if the conversation ever comes up about flaws and all (I expect him to find some flaws on her) this is what she would say. all usual disclaimers

xxxxxxxx

Dear Dean,

I wanted to write a list about ten things I came to hate about you. Okay, hate is a strong word here but bear with me until I'm done okay? Ten things you do that irritate me or make me worried about you or make me nervous. You're ready? Okay, I'm coming through.

1. I hate that you always have great comebacks. I don't have any good comebacks and I feel like an idiot because I can't get back at you. I really want to but always you left me speechless and I have to work very hard to have a good one. I hate when you do but it also makes me laugh because you're super funny. I mean.. very funny! You keep saying I have crooked hands and cold feet and that I am short but in the end, you kinda like those cold feet, crooked hands and that shortness about me. You fucking tease!

2. I also hate that you are so oblivious of all those perfect baby dolls who are after you. I know you're dense but come on, you can't possibly know when they are hitting on you, right? I mean, it's adorable for a while and then it makes me nervous because, despite everything, I'm a bit afraid one comes around less messed up and you'd go with her. I mean, you can do whatev', we're not together, but what if you have more fun with another Jenny Bloomberg? But it's adorable and I love that you don't even notice and I hate that I love it.

3. I also hate how great you are with guns! You're a badass hunter but sometimes I want to show off and the only way I have to show off is to actually freaking use my guns and blades and yet you're so good at them that I look pathetic next to you. I want to impress you because you impress me and I want you to see how good I could be. I'm not saying I feel less than you, not at all. I just feel like I want to beat you from time to time or make you drop your jaw and say « WTF! Awesome ! » I hate that you're so good because every bet I take, I lose it! Paintball ? I lost paintball!

3. I hate that you're so tall compared to me, all the girls are gushing about their tall boyfriends but I'm not! One, you're not my boyfriend and two, you're a giant! I can't move around and get my stuff whenever you're around and you decide to mess with me. I also hate that I love how tall you are because you can carry me on your back and shoulders effortlessly. You can bend me in positions I actually never tried before and Love when we have sex. You make me feel so small when you're around, but I actually do love it. I hate that I'm loving it cause I wish I could hate your face for that.

5. I hate when all of a sudden you become withdrawn. I know you said that sometimes you needed your space and you didn't feel like talking but that's also my cue that something is wrong and you need to get it off of your chest. So I insist and we argue and I insist some more and then stop so I don't break the camel's back. And you end up telling me anyway because you know I would come back at you after a while. It's true I would, cause I know what withdrawn means for myself. When I become withdrawn something's up. Something's wrong. I'm feeling lonely and hopeless and I need you freaking help. So I always try to give you mine, help you around, give you the little nudge to make you talk to me. I hate when you're like this, not because you don't talk to me but because I know you're suffering.

6. I hate when we have sex and you make me give you. I feel defenseless. I feel exposed to you and I know I can't really hide. You could probably already see the fun and pleasure but also some hints at how I feel about you. Yeah, I love you.. who would have thought? I can't hide it when you make me cum. I can't hide it how you make me feel and how easily you make me surrender and how easily you made me fall for you. I can't help but scream your name. I can't help but... want you whole. I want you whole. Can you even understand? I don't know. I hate that I feel this connected to you. I hate that I feel this close to you with you not even trying. I hate that I trust you this much with myself without even flinching. I hate that sex with you feels so good because I keep on wanting more of you. I love it actually, I can't even begin to say how much I love it, so saying I hate might be easier for me. But I love it. I love you.

7. I hate when you become reckless and you put yourself in danger. I sincerely hate it the most. I hate because I know you could get yourself killed and there is nothing I can do to stop it because MOST of the time, you act like this when we argue and it becomes tough between the two of us. You go on your hunts, I'm not even invited and then you come back injured and pitiful and broken. I freaking HATE when you do that because I am worried until you're healed. Because you could have gotten yourself killed and I can't afford to lose you. Because you could have been severely injured, maybe left with life-changing injuries and I would feel it was my fault, cause it always is. I'm not being ironic. I would push you to your limits and you'd do some reckless shit and you'd end up wounded because of me. It happened with the witch...it happened Dean. I hate that it happened and I don't want it to happen again. I hate it because I am worried sick about you.

8. I hate when you have that stupid smile on your face, you know when you're kind of happy? It's a rare one but when it's on, oh my god, I feel butterflies in my tummy and I want to cry. You had that one when I gave you the gun and threw you that party at the restaurant. And I was left gushing around like a teenage cheerleader and the famous jock of the damn high school. I want more of you like that, I want more of you happy and content and grounded. I can't resist that damn smile, it's infectious, it's adorable, it's...refreshing too. Fucking hell! I sound so lovey-dovey! I don't want to sound like that but it's true. I hate when you have that stupid smile because it makes me smile too and I always end up having a nightmare or some shit and then smiles are gone and stress is back. Can I make you go back and forth like that? How long before you get tired? You said never, I freaking hate you for being so sweet to me. I love it so much. though. Don't get me wrong.

9. I hate when you say « we need to talk » and don't tell me what it is about. It's making me freak out so hard you have no idea. I always believe that this is the « talk » when you tell me to pack my stuff and get the fuck out of your place. I know it comes from the way Fabrice handled telling me he didn't want to be around me because I couldn't have kids and he wanted to build a future for himself. He knew I didn't like knowing and he let me marinate for several days before we finally could sit down and talk. You do this too, except we do sit down immediately and it turns out it wasn't even about you but the hunt or some shit happening to Sam or Castiel. It's never about us. We never really talked about us, have we? Except when you told me that I was family and when I wake up from a nightmare, we never talked about that thing between us. We never named it. We never even acknowledge there was a thing. I did, to myself and then to you but I know you're not answering back and it's okay. However you feel, I'll always be around. I'd rather have you than not.

10. I hate that you blame yourself for everything that ever happens. I don't hate that you do, I hate that you were shamed into doing it. I hate that your guilt is so strong that it makes you feel that way. I hate that nobody except Sam and Bobby and probably a bunch of people close to you told you that you weren't responsible for the shit that happened to you. I hate that they let you believe that you, my precious baby, that you were worth being left behind. That you weren't worthy of being loved, that you were a freak. I hate that you are believing you are one because you are not. You are such a good soul Dean. A beautiful man with a beautiful golden soul and a heart on your sleeve. This is who you are and yet people don't let you see this side of yourself. They'd rather have you feel guilty until the end of times. I hate that you feel that way. I hate that you're in pain. Oh, baby. I hate everything that makes you feel worthless and dangerous and unable to build anything with your strong hands. I feel the same in a different way. Guilty for my losses, guilty for my weakness, guilty for my blindness...guilty for being alive and yes we haven't talked about it, but I understand your need to sacrifice yourself, to make amends, to give a meaning and a purpose to your life. I felt the same. I feel the same. but you're giving me a purpose somehow...you gave me a home and a future.

So yeah, I hate these things about you, but that's what made me fall in love with you in the first place. You are selfless, kind, caring, fun and funny. You're sweet and badass and can simultaneously make my panties wet and my heart soar. You're a good man Dean and this is something, I would always tell you. That you're good.

I love you. I thought I'd hate loving you but it turns out, I'm welcoming that shit pretty well. But people like you and me. We're broken.. my love is broken and I know I can't be of much help, but I was thinking, much like broken ladders, maybe we could support each other better on our least broken sides? SO yeah. I love you... I support you and I call you out. Trifecta of perfection!

Pride and Asma : Illusion

A/N: All usual disclaimer! Asma belongs to me, Pride belongs to my friend Nate.

xxx

She was under the illusion that everything was doing fine. Of course, it was, no harm was done to her, no enemy knocked at her door. She spent full days and night locked in her house. How could anything bad happen to her? But Asma was human and being human she needed company. She couldn't own a computer or a phone because Pride knew she would go online and anyone could find out their location so he didn't take the risk. She technically couldn't leave the house because all of the protection spells were written all over and yet.. yet she did. How could she not? Pride knew about her temper and tried to ignore every time she was being difficult or needy when he wasn't ready to indulge in her urges. He had a kingdom to rule, enemies to defeat and her life to protect and yet Asma, being oblivious to danger as she didn't see the inhuman efforts the sin was putting in ensuring her safety. She was blissfully ignorant of everything and after some time spent at the house, she ended up forgetting about dangers lurking in the dark.

Ayasha was constantly watching her but she couldn't always intervene so she struck a deal with the sin Envy who spent his days and nights on Earth fomenting plans to destroy Pride. His eyes were set on the mortal who struck an almost -cruel- resemblance to the deity Elpis. He wanted to take her away from Pride but he needed to make sure that Pride actually would care if anything happened to her, so he observed. She didn't leave the house often, but it was enough for him to spot her favorite places and even engage in casual conversations with her. He had changed his face, actually assuming the physical form granted to him by Hades so she wouldn't think twice about who he was. She spoke to him as if he was a friend since she always met him during her walks at night. She spoke of her solitude, of her companion being so busy she was left alone at home without any possibility to breathe some fresh air. She left some details out so he wouldn't have been too curious -if he were human- but Envy understood what she meant: she was under protection but lately, he had been slacking due to turmoil in the Underworld. Good to know. But if she went missing while his mind was busy elsewhere, he might not notice after a long while and Envy didn't want to take her at this moment. He had to be more often around so he would quickly notice if she was gone and would lose his mind. That was the plan.

Asma felt more alive since she allowed herself a little time out of the house every two days, She thought that since no attacks had ever happened, that maybe the gods had forgotten about her case and moved on. After all, she did nothing wrong, bothered no one and Pride wasn't even on Earth so why would they keep on hunting her down if the Sin didn't care and she wasn't to release Elpis to the world? It sounded safe, it sounded good. She felt that nothing would happen to her anymore so she had the right to go outside and get burnt if she wanted to. Seeking company was somehow the default of most humans and Asma was definitely human with all of their flaws and quality. She needed company and having been deprived for so long made her take humongous risks just to be able to talk to someone and be listened to. Just to have some sort of contact, a touch, a hug, a handshake.. anything to make her feel alive and feed her creative mind.

But it would backfire.

And it would backfire HARD.

(TBC)

Doya : Date night 4: Dinner Date

// All usual disclaimer!  

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« Well, we didn't take a selfie for that one, but Alphonso, the restaurant owner insisted on taking the perfect picture for the two of us he scanned and sent me on my email for me to keep. So, I was super nervous after my little stunt in front of the mirror, my head was trying to get straight and make up its mind. I decided not to care about how the evening would go because it would be a great one. A home run as I call it. First appetizer with the paintball, then the first dish with the vintage cars and now it was the main course! A real candlelight dinner with presents for him to celebrate my one year living with the Winchesters at the bunker. Too much you think? Well, not for me. Dean never had it very easy before I moved in and won't have it easier now that I'm staying. He and I have always had complicated lives, difficult to the point I sometimes wished I had it different and cursed my life as a hunter. He knows what I'm talking about, he's been through his fair share of atrocities and I really wanted him to have a good night. A hunting-free night, a night where he wouldn't be on duty but just be himself. I had the privilege to watch him through the day and it filled my heart with love. I know it now. I admitted it earlier. I am in love with that stupid tall man. He's not stupid, take my words back. You know what I mean. I am in love and I don't know how to handle the news as in, it's overflowing you see?

We arrived and it was great from the start. Alphonso greeted me, thanked me again for saving his life some months ago and reassured me discreetly by telling me everything was set up and all we had to do was sit and eat. Dean was crowned with a princess' crown and we were made to sit at a semi-private space where nobody would peeping tom us. Nice ! I must say, it went well from the start, we ordered, we bantered a bit then music hit the first notes. I requested that the band played some classic rock songs, from AC/DC to Aerosmith to the Rolling Stones and I am sure I forgot many of them. They had several months to train so it all sounded perfect. Dean knew I asked, I have zero poker face remember? I couldn't hide my excitement, let alone the fact this special attention was just for him. I'm smooth eh? Well, it is smooth! He enjoyed every minute of it, I know that. Then things took another turn, it was time for the gifts. So you know me right? I couldn't keep in place, I was jumping like an idiot on my chair and gushing about how cute my little Princess looked like! Okay okay, not a princess, he said he looked more like King Baratheon without the ugly beard and a more fit edition. Okay, I can give him that. He looked even better than king Baratheon.

I think I didn't tell you, but he wore a tux. He wore a tux just for me! He was looking like James Bond and I was looking at him with hungry eyes. I mean, come on! I wanted to rip his shirt off, undress him and proceed to actually fuck him for real. I would have loved it. If tonight went well, I wanted to end up the evening with a nice good love-making session. I would have made love to him, I was in the mood for that. I wanted to take my time, go easy on him, savor every minute of his God-given body and his voice and his grunts... mmhh I had plans for that evening! That's why I was wearing that skin-tight red dress, to titillate his senses and inform him that he was gonna get it good tonight. Spoiler alert! I fell asleep as soon as we went home because of food coma! I literally couldn't do anything because my body shut down and went into sleep mode! Fuck it! But it's okay. The rest of the evening, the main course, was amazing! I gave him that gun, I gave him that VERY expensive original and vintage gun I knew he'd love. Fancy on the outside polished and clean on the inside. Its original name was the Lucky Star but I didn't want to tell Dean about it because I wanted him to baptize the gun instead. I'm a romantic you see? Stupid romantic little Oya who couldn't help but grin through and through. If he wasn't that dense I think he would have noticed the whole thing was a big « I love you » right?

I made it clear though. I said the words! When I gave him the necklace with the sculpted pendant I made -you know? Those anti-mind-control spells that also happen to help the owner of the pendant keep a tiny bit of their mind if possessed so they have a fighting chance? Yeah, that kind of thing. Pure Cameroonian Style! It had to be sculpted by the hands of someone who felt genuine love for the owner and enchanted by the same person. So I did it all, I told him that. Right hands with the right feelings. He said he was too awesome to lose himself -and put my necklace around his neck! Ah ! My heart! I nearly fainted!-and I said I loved him too much to let that happen! Yeah ! I said it. He didn't even flinch. I kept moving on cause I wasn't expecting a reply from him. I was more worried about him standing up and walking away from me but he stayed. It was all I needed. He stayed and we kept talking as if nothing happened despite me dropping the bomb. At some point, I asked if he liked me to be around him and Sam, and he said I was family, that of course he liked to have me around and he kisses my cheek. That was the second time. I lost a heartbeat or two. Jesus ! That was the most genuine gesture he ever had towards me. Not a kiss on the lips, cause we're almost a 100% sure they would lead to us making out and us having sex. no.. A kiss on the cheek. He never does these. I had a kiss on the forehead whenever I had nightmares and he wanted to comfort me but I never had a kiss on the cheek. I think he saw the love in my eyes cause girl, I couldn't hide it anywhere! I think he knows now. I told him he was my apple-pie after all! He knows! He knows so I won't need to say anything more about it. I said my piece. He didn't reject nor accept it, that's just how things are and I'm more than fine with it. And we moved on. We went back home and I fell asleep.

Thing is... Thing is I feel liberated. You see, I knew for some time that I was feeling that way but refused to face my emotions. I buried my head into the sands until that Jenny Bloomberg incident? The dating app argument? I knew I was in love but was too afraid to acknowledge it, let alone make the first step. But I did. And I realized that it wasn't that much of a big deal. I love him. You know? I've seen so much shit around him, happening to him that I just wanted him to know that someone was caring for him. I just wanted him to know that I had his best interest in mind, maybe I might fuck up but I want him to live, to smile, to find an additional purpose than just wiping out mean monsters from the country. I want to give him the happy life he deserves to have and it doesn't matter if he doesn't give me back, cause like I said earlier, I already have all I can ask for. A place to call home, people who care about me, great sex and an additional purpose in my life, especially now that my brother is dead and I practically decided to fall back into just doing my job. He gave me something more, now I can watch after him. I can soothe him if he has a nightmare like he does when I have mine. I can make him smile and relieve him from the weight on his shoulders. I can be the voice that tells him « shut the fuck up, you're worthy of being loved. » or « I won't give up on you. I won't leave your sides. » cause I don't anymore. I have my place here, I have my future here, with them... with him.

Silly loving heart, now I'm going to sleep with a big grin on my freaking face but it's alright. I can indulge tonight. It was my night.   

Doya (Dean and Oya.) : Date night 3: Moving on.

A/N: all usual disclaimers

xxx

"Get a grip. This is just supposed to be a dinner. This is just supposed to be an anniversary for both of you. Yeah, who does that? who would be stupid enough to celebrate someone year of living under the same roof as others? Anniversaries were for longtime friends, or lovers, or married couples, or deaths..; anniversaries weren't for a stranded hunter who found a new home. it's going to be too much. Dean is going to freak out and hate it. He's going to hate you for doing that because you'll remind him of other stuff.. maybe other anniversaries, maybe of other people he'd prefer to have by his side than you, like Bobby or Jo or Ellen or...This isn't going to matter if it's you. You're just that weird new girl who came around and needed a lift.

Get a fucking grip! what makes you so nervous Oya? You keep saying to yourself that it wasn't a date, but it was a date! it was a romantic date you took Dean to. He isn't stupid, he noticed but was enjoying himself too much to say something. He loves paintball and cars so of course, he'd enjoy himself there. but now we're talking dinner at a fancy place...I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not fucking ready. Thing is.. it could go sideways. with me on board? it'll go sideways. because I can't help myself whenever I'm next to him. I want his presence, his touch, I want his smiles and I want him to rest even just for a second. I want him to be at peace, for a minute, lay down that weight he carries on his shoulders, feel safe by my sides. I know what that means but I am not ready. I'll never be.

Everyone I love dies. everyone I love ends up hating me too. I'm probably the fucking problem here. I'm expecting the worst, always.. because if I don't, it'll all happen again. My brother. Fabrice... I can't let my guard down and fall in love with someone else because if I do, I'll lose them. I'll lose Dean. He doesn't want me. Castiel might have hurt when he said so, but he was right back then. He doesn't see me like...like what? say it! look at your face and say it Oya! How do you feel? I'm scared. I'm scared as hell. I'm scared because this is something I do not know well. I loved one man all my life until he turned away from me. I was so young and I didn't know him like I should have. He hurt me. he walked away on me because of what I was.. what I couldn't do anymore. Dean is different, Dean stayed. He knew and he stayed...so.. so.. he's different, right? Why do I keep equating him and Fabrice? Dean is a friend. Fabrice was my fiancé.. nothing is similar. I'm not dating Dean..if he wanted, he could even start a new relationship with someone else...

would I want it? No. how come? am I jealous for real? like jealous because I lo--- no. I mean.. stop and think Oya. think for a minute. What are you really afraid of? I have nightmares right? nightmares involving Dean hating me and walking away from me or trying to kill me. I can't.. if I tell him how I feel, he would leave.. he would hate me. he would run away from me because my love is toxic and meaningless.

Love? so you love him then? No.. I mean...fuck! I mean why? I mean.. shit.. Of course. I love him. I love him like Sam at least. but more than Sam. I love him like I used to love Fabrice. I am.. Iam.. I think I am... I know I am..can I say those words? Won't say it ruins it for me? It's time to face how I feel though and I feel so strongly for him. I don't need much. I don't need flowers, Cadillac, and money. I don't need to be legit, I don't need to be rich, I don't need to have a "normal life". I just want to be with him. I just want him to hug me at night, kiss me, comfort me when I have a nightmare.. he already does all of that. I don't need more than that if not, just maybe to know he feels the same for me too. because I could die for him..I could do so much more for him. He's my everything and it hurts me. it hurts so bad. I want to let him know that I am willing to love him even when he doesn't love himself. I am willing to help him whatever he needs to be done. I am willing to give everything I have for a minute of him smiling. is it too much? am I doing it too much? I might be.

Oh fuck... I said it. I said I was in love with him..well, to myself. tonight there is dinner and I have to give him my gifts but.. I pray to the gods my tongue doesn't slip and I say to him again that I love him. first time there was a context, he could have taken it like it meant nothing. but after the day we had? After the day we had? he'd know... he'd know what I would mean if I say I love you. I don't want to say it... no that's not true. I want to.I want it so badly. it's at the tip of my tongue every time I talk to him. it's at the tip of my tongue when we hold hands, it's at the tip of my tongue when we sleep next to each other... but I'll ruin everything. that's what I do. that's who I am. Oya the destroyer shall be my new nickname. He isn't in love with me, so why bother? fuck fuck fuck...

Stay calm, straighten up. put a smile on your face and pretend like today is the best day of your life -well, it is! it really is- and that you'll give the gifts and keep quiet. it's all about him today. all about him being happy and catching a break. you made it happen, it should be enough for you. you can always take the crumbs and be okay with the crumbs of affection..you can always be okay with what you're given..

Or maybe not.

Take the risk and sabotage yourself. you're so good at it, it shouldn't be too extreme. at least you would have told him how you felt.

You would be free, although lonely.