DOYA : ten things I hate about you

A/N: inspired by the 10 things I like about Doya, as asked by my BFF Lou some days ago:p Oya's POV. She's not gonna send it but if the conversation ever comes up about flaws and all (I expect him to find some flaws on her) this is what she would say. all usual disclaimers

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Dear Dean,

I wanted to write a list about ten things I came to hate about you. Okay, hate is a strong word here but bear with me until I'm done okay? Ten things you do that irritate me or make me worried about you or make me nervous. You're ready? Okay, I'm coming through.

1. I hate that you always have great comebacks. I don't have any good comebacks and I feel like an idiot because I can't get back at you. I really want to but always you left me speechless and I have to work very hard to have a good one. I hate when you do but it also makes me laugh because you're super funny. I mean.. very funny! You keep saying I have crooked hands and cold feet and that I am short but in the end, you kinda like those cold feet, crooked hands and that shortness about me. You fucking tease!

2. I also hate that you are so oblivious of all those perfect baby dolls who are after you. I know you're dense but come on, you can't possibly know when they are hitting on you, right? I mean, it's adorable for a while and then it makes me nervous because, despite everything, I'm a bit afraid one comes around less messed up and you'd go with her. I mean, you can do whatev', we're not together, but what if you have more fun with another Jenny Bloomberg? But it's adorable and I love that you don't even notice and I hate that I love it.

3. I also hate how great you are with guns! You're a badass hunter but sometimes I want to show off and the only way I have to show off is to actually freaking use my guns and blades and yet you're so good at them that I look pathetic next to you. I want to impress you because you impress me and I want you to see how good I could be. I'm not saying I feel less than you, not at all. I just feel like I want to beat you from time to time or make you drop your jaw and say « WTF! Awesome ! » I hate that you're so good because every bet I take, I lose it! Paintball ? I lost paintball!

3. I hate that you're so tall compared to me, all the girls are gushing about their tall boyfriends but I'm not! One, you're not my boyfriend and two, you're a giant! I can't move around and get my stuff whenever you're around and you decide to mess with me. I also hate that I love how tall you are because you can carry me on your back and shoulders effortlessly. You can bend me in positions I actually never tried before and Love when we have sex. You make me feel so small when you're around, but I actually do love it. I hate that I'm loving it cause I wish I could hate your face for that.

5. I hate when all of a sudden you become withdrawn. I know you said that sometimes you needed your space and you didn't feel like talking but that's also my cue that something is wrong and you need to get it off of your chest. So I insist and we argue and I insist some more and then stop so I don't break the camel's back. And you end up telling me anyway because you know I would come back at you after a while. It's true I would, cause I know what withdrawn means for myself. When I become withdrawn something's up. Something's wrong. I'm feeling lonely and hopeless and I need you freaking help. So I always try to give you mine, help you around, give you the little nudge to make you talk to me. I hate when you're like this, not because you don't talk to me but because I know you're suffering.

6. I hate when we have sex and you make me give you. I feel defenseless. I feel exposed to you and I know I can't really hide. You could probably already see the fun and pleasure but also some hints at how I feel about you. Yeah, I love you.. who would have thought? I can't hide it when you make me cum. I can't hide it how you make me feel and how easily you make me surrender and how easily you made me fall for you. I can't help but scream your name. I can't help but... want you whole. I want you whole. Can you even understand? I don't know. I hate that I feel this connected to you. I hate that I feel this close to you with you not even trying. I hate that I trust you this much with myself without even flinching. I hate that sex with you feels so good because I keep on wanting more of you. I love it actually, I can't even begin to say how much I love it, so saying I hate might be easier for me. But I love it. I love you.

7. I hate when you become reckless and you put yourself in danger. I sincerely hate it the most. I hate because I know you could get yourself killed and there is nothing I can do to stop it because MOST of the time, you act like this when we argue and it becomes tough between the two of us. You go on your hunts, I'm not even invited and then you come back injured and pitiful and broken. I freaking HATE when you do that because I am worried until you're healed. Because you could have gotten yourself killed and I can't afford to lose you. Because you could have been severely injured, maybe left with life-changing injuries and I would feel it was my fault, cause it always is. I'm not being ironic. I would push you to your limits and you'd do some reckless shit and you'd end up wounded because of me. It happened with the witch...it happened Dean. I hate that it happened and I don't want it to happen again. I hate it because I am worried sick about you.

8. I hate when you have that stupid smile on your face, you know when you're kind of happy? It's a rare one but when it's on, oh my god, I feel butterflies in my tummy and I want to cry. You had that one when I gave you the gun and threw you that party at the restaurant. And I was left gushing around like a teenage cheerleader and the famous jock of the damn high school. I want more of you like that, I want more of you happy and content and grounded. I can't resist that damn smile, it's infectious, it's adorable, it's...refreshing too. Fucking hell! I sound so lovey-dovey! I don't want to sound like that but it's true. I hate when you have that stupid smile because it makes me smile too and I always end up having a nightmare or some shit and then smiles are gone and stress is back. Can I make you go back and forth like that? How long before you get tired? You said never, I freaking hate you for being so sweet to me. I love it so much. though. Don't get me wrong.

9. I hate when you say « we need to talk » and don't tell me what it is about. It's making me freak out so hard you have no idea. I always believe that this is the « talk » when you tell me to pack my stuff and get the fuck out of your place. I know it comes from the way Fabrice handled telling me he didn't want to be around me because I couldn't have kids and he wanted to build a future for himself. He knew I didn't like knowing and he let me marinate for several days before we finally could sit down and talk. You do this too, except we do sit down immediately and it turns out it wasn't even about you but the hunt or some shit happening to Sam or Castiel. It's never about us. We never really talked about us, have we? Except when you told me that I was family and when I wake up from a nightmare, we never talked about that thing between us. We never named it. We never even acknowledge there was a thing. I did, to myself and then to you but I know you're not answering back and it's okay. However you feel, I'll always be around. I'd rather have you than not.

10. I hate that you blame yourself for everything that ever happens. I don't hate that you do, I hate that you were shamed into doing it. I hate that your guilt is so strong that it makes you feel that way. I hate that nobody except Sam and Bobby and probably a bunch of people close to you told you that you weren't responsible for the shit that happened to you. I hate that they let you believe that you, my precious baby, that you were worth being left behind. That you weren't worthy of being loved, that you were a freak. I hate that you are believing you are one because you are not. You are such a good soul Dean. A beautiful man with a beautiful golden soul and a heart on your sleeve. This is who you are and yet people don't let you see this side of yourself. They'd rather have you feel guilty until the end of times. I hate that you feel that way. I hate that you're in pain. Oh, baby. I hate everything that makes you feel worthless and dangerous and unable to build anything with your strong hands. I feel the same in a different way. Guilty for my losses, guilty for my weakness, guilty for my blindness...guilty for being alive and yes we haven't talked about it, but I understand your need to sacrifice yourself, to make amends, to give a meaning and a purpose to your life. I felt the same. I feel the same. but you're giving me a purpose somehow...you gave me a home and a future.

So yeah, I hate these things about you, but that's what made me fall in love with you in the first place. You are selfless, kind, caring, fun and funny. You're sweet and badass and can simultaneously make my panties wet and my heart soar. You're a good man Dean and this is something, I would always tell you. That you're good.

I love you. I thought I'd hate loving you but it turns out, I'm welcoming that shit pretty well. But people like you and me. We're broken.. my love is broken and I know I can't be of much help, but I was thinking, much like broken ladders, maybe we could support each other better on our least broken sides? SO yeah. I love you... I support you and I call you out. Trifecta of perfection!