She sometimes woke up in the middle of the night, in a panic state she couldn't explain. All seemed to be okay, last time she checked her life was back on track but something always felt off and she couldn't pinpoint what it exactly was up until that very night.
It had been several years now since she ran away from Oscar and tried to have a better life first in Boston and then in Charming but it never quite happened. She lived in fear of being found by the very man who broke her to pieces. she always looked past her shoulders to make sure he wasn't following her or wasn't in town. Charming seemed to have allowed her a fresh and potential new start but something ruined her chances at the beginning.
Someone did.
His name was Elias Tobbins. She fell in love with Elias against all logic and it backfired on her. Elias was a man consumed with revenge. He was living with the ghost of the past and unable to move on from the tragedy that struck him. She understood, how could she blame him? He lost his wife to the Nazi gang of Charming so he decided to give them hell. how could she stand in the way? but how could she let this man, who decided from the very beginning that any feelings he might have for her would never trump those he had for his late wife and daughter, how could she let him ruin her like he did?
He gave her breadcrumbs of love. He gave her just enough for her to want more but never enough to make her feel good about herself. she resumed drinking, she resumed hiding, she resumed wishing she was dead instead. In a way, she already was. Waking up, going to work, inking some skin and making money was just because she still had to take care of her mother who was at this senior care clinic. she had to make sure her mother would be treated well and wouldn't miss anything, so she had to work, but she was empty inside. Elias did this to her. he made her feel like she wasn't enough and would never be. That she was too messed up to sustain a healthy relationship. that she was... that she should be grateful to get what he gave her. breadcrumbs...
Almost a year since Elias left her and Asma realized that despite everything going well in her life -her job, her friends, her health- her bed was still cold and empty. her heart was still closed and maybe for good. Her self-esteem was lower than before and she was sad. it started like nothing, Jessica was happy, married with kids and soon a kid of her own. she was able to build her life despite what Asma perceived as a complicated life. she was able to take a leap of faith and jump off the cliff with Jax, holding his hand no matter what. it was comforting to see that this kind of relationship could exist but it was worse to realize that she might not be able to pull this off herself. she didn't have the right tools. she was just yet another face in the long list of people who've been abused in their past and ruined by substances. Just a random addict whose life would quickly be forgotten because she didn't mean anything.
and it should make her furious but it didn't.
She couldn't afford yet another disaster. Maybe people smelled on her the fact she was a victim? maybe people could see how much of a disappointment she was? maybe people knew she was to be avoided because she didn't bring anything to the table except a huge emotional baggage. Maybe it was for the best... she clenched her fists and grabbed the sheets. Living by proxy seemed to be the safest way. Being close to happiness without touching it with her own fingers. Just like some people got lucky and others get into accidents, some people could find real true strong and healthy love and others could just pull the bad numbers. It was the ways of the world, luck didn't bless everyone.
Yet.. she still was sad. Her heart was wrecked. I wanted to feel love again, smile and dance and jump around but the truth was...
What your heart wants isn't always what you needed. So she swallowed those feelings back, wiped the tears off of her face and stood up to go to the kitchen and fetch herself some fresh water. She might have been alone. At least now she was sober.
For the worst and the better.
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