A/N: all usual disclaimers
xxx
"Get a grip. This is just supposed to be a dinner. This is just supposed to be an anniversary for both of you. Yeah, who does that? who would be stupid enough to celebrate someone year of living under the same roof as others? Anniversaries were for longtime friends, or lovers, or married couples, or deaths..; anniversaries weren't for a stranded hunter who found a new home. it's going to be too much. Dean is going to freak out and hate it. He's going to hate you for doing that because you'll remind him of other stuff.. maybe other anniversaries, maybe of other people he'd prefer to have by his side than you, like Bobby or Jo or Ellen or...This isn't going to matter if it's you. You're just that weird new girl who came around and needed a lift.
Get a fucking grip! what makes you so nervous Oya? You keep saying to yourself that it wasn't a date, but it was a date! it was a romantic date you took Dean to. He isn't stupid, he noticed but was enjoying himself too much to say something. He loves paintball and cars so of course, he'd enjoy himself there. but now we're talking dinner at a fancy place...I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not fucking ready. Thing is.. it could go sideways. with me on board? it'll go sideways. because I can't help myself whenever I'm next to him. I want his presence, his touch, I want his smiles and I want him to rest even just for a second. I want him to be at peace, for a minute, lay down that weight he carries on his shoulders, feel safe by my sides. I know what that means but I am not ready. I'll never be.
Everyone I love dies. everyone I love ends up hating me too. I'm probably the fucking problem here. I'm expecting the worst, always.. because if I don't, it'll all happen again. My brother. Fabrice... I can't let my guard down and fall in love with someone else because if I do, I'll lose them. I'll lose Dean. He doesn't want me. Castiel might have hurt when he said so, but he was right back then. He doesn't see me like...like what? say it! look at your face and say it Oya! How do you feel? I'm scared. I'm scared as hell. I'm scared because this is something I do not know well. I loved one man all my life until he turned away from me. I was so young and I didn't know him like I should have. He hurt me. he walked away on me because of what I was.. what I couldn't do anymore. Dean is different, Dean stayed. He knew and he stayed...so.. so.. he's different, right? Why do I keep equating him and Fabrice? Dean is a friend. Fabrice was my fiancé.. nothing is similar. I'm not dating Dean..if he wanted, he could even start a new relationship with someone else...
would I want it? No. how come? am I jealous for real? like jealous because I lo--- no. I mean.. stop and think Oya. think for a minute. What are you really afraid of? I have nightmares right? nightmares involving Dean hating me and walking away from me or trying to kill me. I can't.. if I tell him how I feel, he would leave.. he would hate me. he would run away from me because my love is toxic and meaningless.
Love? so you love him then? No.. I mean...fuck! I mean why? I mean.. shit.. Of course. I love him. I love him like Sam at least. but more than Sam. I love him like I used to love Fabrice. I am.. Iam.. I think I am... I know I am..can I say those words? Won't say it ruins it for me? It's time to face how I feel though and I feel so strongly for him. I don't need much. I don't need flowers, Cadillac, and money. I don't need to be legit, I don't need to be rich, I don't need to have a "normal life". I just want to be with him. I just want him to hug me at night, kiss me, comfort me when I have a nightmare.. he already does all of that. I don't need more than that if not, just maybe to know he feels the same for me too. because I could die for him..I could do so much more for him. He's my everything and it hurts me. it hurts so bad. I want to let him know that I am willing to love him even when he doesn't love himself. I am willing to help him whatever he needs to be done. I am willing to give everything I have for a minute of him smiling. is it too much? am I doing it too much? I might be.
Oh fuck... I said it. I said I was in love with him..well, to myself. tonight there is dinner and I have to give him my gifts but.. I pray to the gods my tongue doesn't slip and I say to him again that I love him. first time there was a context, he could have taken it like it meant nothing. but after the day we had? After the day we had? he'd know... he'd know what I would mean if I say I love you. I don't want to say it... no that's not true. I want to.I want it so badly. it's at the tip of my tongue every time I talk to him. it's at the tip of my tongue when we hold hands, it's at the tip of my tongue when we sleep next to each other... but I'll ruin everything. that's what I do. that's who I am. Oya the destroyer shall be my new nickname. He isn't in love with me, so why bother? fuck fuck fuck...
Stay calm, straighten up. put a smile on your face and pretend like today is the best day of your life -well, it is! it really is- and that you'll give the gifts and keep quiet. it's all about him today. all about him being happy and catching a break. you made it happen, it should be enough for you. you can always take the crumbs and be okay with the crumbs of affection..you can always be okay with what you're given..
Or maybe not.
Take the risk and sabotage yourself. you're so good at it, it shouldn't be too extreme. at least you would have told him how you felt.
You would be free, although lonely.
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