TB: Murderous rage

Sara tilted her head to the side, eyes wide open and turned purple as she stared at the screen. Her hand lay on her belly, and she squeezed her shirt as tightly as she could. What the hell was going on? On TV, she saw her estranged aunt Tabitha crying, surrounded by her children, Melanie, Charles, Kendra, and Ralph. They were holding family pictures and portraits of Sara as well as signs where they wrote "We love you, Sara." and "Forgive us, Sara." They were claiming Sara abandoned her family, that once she became a supe, she rejected those who cared for them, and went as far as to say that Sara refused to come back to their family despite their best efforts. The supe started to shake and gritted her teeth. These bastards, how could they slander her on TV? How could they try to force her hand in giving them money? All of them, she hated all of them, and without even realizing it, everything in her room, except for her, started to float. 

Her eyes became even brighter the more she dug her fingers into her flesh. The same desire from when she was 18 started to suffocate her. The same urge to kill those bastards when they were laughing and insulting her when she tried to reconcile with them. The same disgust that grew in her loins and threatened to spill out like poison was slowly starting to suffocate her. The journalist who was interviewing them was known for scandals. Chet Miller called himself a trash journalist because he always sniffed around unsavoury situations, and he knew that with all eyes on her, Sara was a prime target. The supe closed her eyes, and all the furniture suspended in the air fell and broke on the floor. Sara did not care. How could she care when her whole body was yearning for murder?  How could she when traitors were spewing nonsense and hatred on TV for all to see? Flashbacks filled her mind. Memories of her constant abuse came back to her, and Sara ended up screaming. Her powers destroyed the TV, and she fell to her knees. 

She ran her hand through her silky black locks and wiped the tears that soaked her face. Why was she crying again? Why was she crying for them? Sara could not stop herself from crying. All she could think of were the years spent at the orphanage. All she could think of was the nights spent crying herself to sleep and trying to protect herself the best she could. All she could think of was her cousins' faces filled with disgust and her aunt's filled with rage at her sight. They blamed her for her parents' deaths, but they also blamed her for being different. They called her Satan's child. They called her all types of names and laughed at her attempts to reunite with them once she aged out of the system.  When Sara rose to fame and became a megastar, they were giving interviews, calling her a slut, the whore of  Babylon, and someone who was collecting blood money. They accused her of drinking the blood of her fans, and AND NOW? And now that the aunt had cancer, they were playing the victims and were trying to force Sara's hand into helping them. 

Her angry groans gradually turned into laughter. How absurd this situation was. Her parents saw in her not the child but what they could get from her. Fame and money. They abused her and allowed others to do the same in hopes it would activate her powers or make her stronger. They were hoping Sara would make them rich and help them escape their ridiculous financial situation.  Her extended family was no different. They discarded her when they did not need her, left her to rot at the orphanage, and later on, the fend for herself, and now that they needed help, suddenly they remembered her existence. Same as Brett... same as all those assholes who thought that they could control her, use her.... and abuse her.  Brett.... a couple of days ago, he attacked her and all the people working for her label. A couple of days ago, he opened a wound she thought was closed off by now, and he reactivated her fight or flight response. He could have taken her that day, if it wasn't for Ryan trying to help her and for so many people who could identify him.  He could have... and if he succeeded, what would have been of her? Sara's face was soaked with her tears, and despite doing her best to wipe it all off with the back of her hand, it was useless. 

So the laughter turned into sobs, once again, as she wondered if her life was to be miserable like this until the day she died. Why would it be? Why would it be when she was dating the most powerful man in the world? Homelander always protected her, except for the days he was busy with the Boys. He always made sure she was alright and had some protection with her at all times, but Brett's attack proved to be too powerful for the supes he tasked with her protection. With Homelander and Ryan, she found people who wanted to protect her. She found people who cared about her, and for the first time in a long time, Sara realized she didn't want to put them in danger. She had to become stronger. She had to be able to protect Ryan as he was still just a child. She had to be stronger, and slowly but surely, Sara's cries turned into laughter once again and quickly became filled with rage as she focused her attention back onto her family. Obviously, she could not let them slander her in public without retaliating, and she would do so. She was keen on leaving them alone, on ignoring their very existence, but now that they tried to run her through her mud? Oh, Sara had no pity left. 

She would first destroy any credibility left, and if they tried to push their luck, she would kill them with her bare hands. Yes! She would kill them, using her powers to either make it quick or prolong their suffering. As determination was flooding her veins, Sara's eyes shone brightly, so much so that she was hovering above the floor. They would pay for everything, for her parents, for the orphanage, for Brett and Tara, and for their own actions towards her. They would pay, and she would bathe in their blood. Her eyes grew wide a wave of purple energy went through her room, effectively destroying it further.  A flick of her wrist and the door opened, allowing her to fly out of the room and towards Vaught Tower. Sara's mind was now pure anger, and the only way she could release some of the tension was through the use of her powers or sex, and right now, the use of her powers seemed the more appealing idea. She was craving violence. She needed violence. She needed justice...No... She needed revenge. 

-TBC-

TB: It's a cruel world, Sara -Sage x Sara-

"What's your goal, Sara?" -Sage's voice pierced the silence nicely settled in the laundromat.- 

It startled Sara, who gasped and turned around to face the person talking to her. It was a familiar face, despite never having met in person. Sara was certain she had already seen her somewhere, maybe on TV. As her mind tried to figure out the identity of the person talking to her, her eyes never left her.  The woman before her was wearing a long grey T-shirt and a pair of khaki cargo pants. She seemed innocuous, but something sinister was pervading the air. Sara knew by then that people were always more than they looked. She addressed her by name and stood there alone, confident as if she knew something she shouldn't. As if she had figured Sara out. Being careful, the singer decided to play dumb at first. 

"I'm sorry, have we met before? I don't remember you." She plastered a fake smile on her lips and decided to treat her like a fan of Unnamed Girl who had found where the megastar lived-

"We've never met; that's why.  I think I haven't been clear enough before, so let me rephrase my question. What's your goal with Homelander, Unnamed Girl?"

Sara froze. How did she know her secret identity? Who was this woman? Her eyes grew wide, and she took a couple of steps back, hitting the washing machine with her back. The woman who was wearing dreadlocks had a pair of sunglasses on and seemed so nonchalant about everything that crossed the distance between the two of them, making Sara feel cornered. She could have left right now, but if she exposed her powers, it would confirm to the woman that she was Unnamed Girl, and that was something Sara didn't want. 

"I am not Unnamed G--"

"Stop playing with me. I know that she's your alter ego, Sara. I also know that you're dating Homelander. Did you really think that it would go unnoticed by me? I get it; you started seeing each other before I was recruited. I get it. you wanted your relationship to be secret so you wouldn't have to deal with Ashley and her schemes or the press and their bullshit. I get it. But now? I need to know exactly what that relationship you have is about."

Sara panicked. She couldn't help but frantically start to tuck her hair behind her ears.  She didn't know how to get herself out of that situation because she felt exposed. Even if that woman was bluffing, Sara's reaction betrayed the truth. She couldn't keep her hands off of her hair and couldn't pretend that this woman before her was talking nonsense. What did she want? Sara was starting to wonder if she wanted money or maybe power over her. Should she kill her? The laundromat was empty right now, but it only was a matter of time before someone came back in. It was too risky to try anything and she couldn't fucking focus on her powers to use them correctly. Instead, she was frozen on the spot and unable to tear her eyes off of the woman. Where did she see her again? Her face was way too familiar for her to ignore.  Sara's eyes went from left to right and she looked up to her face. Sage! She was Sister Sage! She was the most intelligent person in the whole world, and lying to her was fruitless. 

"I remember where I saw your face. You're Sister Sage!"

"Sage! Just..... Sage." She dryly said.

"Sage! I knew it!" She ran her hand through her hair and chewed at her bottom lip.- "Why are you here?"

"I am the one who asked you a question first! " she pointed out and crossed her arms above her chest. "So be a good girl, Sara, and answer me!" 

"Why do you care?"-Sara defiantly asked, her black eyes slowly turning purple. Sage didn't budge. She expected Sara to try and show some bite, so it made her grin-

"I like to know things, especially about Homelander. I'd also want to know your end goal with him."

"My end goal?" -Sara scoffed and lifted a brow.- "My end goal? Not only do you come here, uninvited, but you start to spout my secret identity out loud because you fucking want to show off that you have a big brain? And you dare accuse me of having an end goal with the man I'm dating?? Sis, I'm sorry but I'm not giving you a pass because you're his right-hand man or whatever bullshit you're doing over there!" She straightened up, furious by the implication that she was not genuine with Homelander. She was, and she refused to be treated like a thief or a gold digger. Sage curbed a brow and then started to laugh-

"Am I supposed to be scared right now?" -Sara wasn't terrifying, at least not with the current display of emotions. If anything, it indicated that she had some spunk and an ego sufficiently big for her to react the way she did. Good! Sage could work with that.-

"Bitch, cut the crap! You think that I'm not a threat, that I'm a coward who would rather leave than fight, and in most cases, you'd be right! I don't like to get involved in bullshit and even less to put my life in danger. But here's where you're wrong about me! I don't play when it comes to kids, to Ryan, and to Homelander!" Her eyes flashed a bright purple light, and she pointed to the washing machines that started to shake. She was ready to use her powers against Sage if that could put that threat down. Sage didn't flinch, but she made mental notes about the whole situation-" You want to know what's the deal with Homelander and me? He's the man I love. He's the man I want to live with until one of us or both of us die. He's the man I will protect at /any/ cost! So let me make myself perfectly clear! You're not going to threaten me and get away with it! You're not going to threaten him with my life, and you're certainly not going to use me for whatever petty gain of yours!" 

Sara's anger was palpable. The washing machine at the extreme right of her started to crumble into itself, crushed by the supe's telekinesis. Sage realized that she had struck a nerve rather than intimidated Sara, which made her reconsider her approach to the young woman. She put her hands up, in a clear sign of surrender, and shook her head. No. She didn't want to threaten Sara when she came there. She wanted to see how the woman would react under pressure, and she also wanted to know how serious this relationship with Homelander was. Sara answered both her questions with her reaction, and in a bid to calm the supe down, Sage tried to appear harmless to her. She was bothered a little bit because, despite her beauty, Sara was far from being an airhead. She clocked her act rather quickly, and that could prove to be bothersome in the future. Could it be that her time at the orphanage helped Sara see past the smoke? Her reflection would have to be paused to calm Sara first. 

" Calm down. I didn't want to offend you. It's just that Homelander has been really secretive regarding his relationship with you. He has not said a thing to the seven and has not said a thing to me. I figured it out by myself, and I wanted to know exactly what was going on between you two. I'm not Ashley, I don't care about PR, and I don't want to get in the way of your relationship. But you have to be prepared, Sara. Our enemies aren't a walk in the park. Butcher and the Boys, if they learn about your existence, they are going to use you as a pawn. They'll turn you into a bargaining chip for Homelander."

"Do you think I don't know that? Even without Homelander, I already had my fair share of enemies. Some I even dated. I'm not so blind or naive to think that the most powerful man in the world doesn't have enemies who would want him dead. I know, Sage. I know about the boys, and I know that I have a target on my back because I love Homelander. I even started training more seriously just in case."

"Impressive.... But that's not enough. It's a cruel world, Sara, and if you aren't careful, you'll be swallowed whole." -She sounded almost sympathetic, but Sara felt nauseous upon hearing the woman talk. Nothing she said was genuine. Nothing she said was meant with actual care for her. She did perceive some condescension and that pissed her off-

"Oh! Here you go, lecturing me about the evil of the world as if I didn't know that already. Do you think I was born with a silver spoon in my fucking mouth? Do you think I don't know how cruel that world is already? Quit with he fake concern! I know you don't care! You come here and judge me because what?  Girl, I was given Compound V at 3 years old! I survived that shit! My powers manifested at 5! I relentlessly trained because my parents wanted me to become their cash cow. Did you think they loved me? Mom was too enamoured with money and dad with fame to give a shit about me. My family? They are a bunch of hypocritical religious nuts. They abused me and refused to take me in when my folks were killed by Vaught. I won't even give you the joy to know what happened to me from the moment I stepped into that orphanage up until today! But I have seen up close and personal how cruel this world can be, and I refuse to let it stop me from being happy!  So cut the fucking crap and tell me exactly why you're here."

The washing machine she crushed crumbled again, leaving nothing but a flat blob of metal on the floor. The electric surge made the lights flicker, and the other machines kept shaking. Sara wasn't joking anymore, and Sage realized that if she lost complete control of the situation, perhaps Sara would actually hurt her. So she took a deep breath and kept her hands up. 

"Touché! You're far clever than I gave you credit for, and I apologize for underestimating you. You're right. I wanted something when I came here. At first, I wanted you to stop seeing Homelander because I thought you were a liability to him. but after meeting you, I changed my mind and wanted to see if you were ready to face the ugliness lurking in the dark."

"And what do you think, Sage?" -Sara emphasized her name as if to tell her that she wasn't scared of her. Sage grinned and put her hands on her waist-

"I think you have some spunk. You are determined to protect Homealnder, and it was what I wanted to see. I do have to warn you though, Butcher has lost his freaking mind and if he gets his hands on you, you're as good as dead."

"I will give him hell then." -Sara's response was almost immediate. She then narrowed her gaze and pinched her lips together- "I am not convinced that you've been really truthful with me. It's fair; nobody ever bares their soul to anyone. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to protect yourself. However, Sage, if I see that you're using Homelander and you would not hesitate to throw him under the bus, I will make sure that you won't be able to use that brain of yours for the rest of your life. So be careful, sis.... Thread carefully." -Sara grabbed her bag of clean laundry and walked past Sister Sage.- "And one more thing. If there is a leak about my true identity, I would know it is you, and I will come for you. So you better keep your mouth shut!- She said before she left the laundromat in a hurry. 

Sage curbed a brow and shrugged. This whole exchange really went sideways, didn't it? She thought she had the upper hand and had managed to scare the singer, but it backfired on her. In truth, Sage was a bit flabbergasted at the reactions she got out of Sara Richardson, but she also learned new valuable information. Sara was genuinely in love with Homelander, given how far she was ready to go to protect him. She also was far more cunning than Sage gave her credit for, which meant that if she wanted to use her as a pawn, she had to change the way she went about it. She had to plan better. Sara was quite a traumatized person, which she could exploit for her benefit. After all, she lacked love and, given her career of choice and determination to keep her private life protected, it was clear that she didn't want to disappoint anyone. A people-pleaser? Much certainly! She had some bite, but Sage was the smartest person, and she knew exactly how she could use it to her advantage. It was a little challenge, which brought a smirk to Sage's face. 

-TBC-

TB (smut): Missing him

How long had it been since Sara saw her baby? A month? more? She didn't know! It already was too much. Sara was finally enjoying some downtime between the preparations for her next national tour. It had been such a long time since she could sit back and relax and she started to become irritated. Usually, when she was like that, Sara always managed to find a way to unwind. She would eagerly await the evening to spend time with Homelander and the two of them would "connect" in a way that only they knew.  She needed sex, that was very obvious. She needed it and he was /not/ available to help her, so it was really bothering her not to be able to have her baby and not to be able to be railed roughly.  So she allowed her imagination to run wild. Alone in her office locked twice, Sara had pulled her skirt up and buttoned down her shirt to her sternum. 

Her fantasy started with a kiss on her delicate neck after he had pushed away some black strands. She smelled good, as usual. She smelled like fresh roses. Her scent usually drove The Homelander crazy and he couldn’t help but bite slightly at her neck. As he grazed his fangs on her skin and savored the sweet taste of her skin, he became interested in going further down. She was sat on a leather chair, pressed against it and he quickly knelt in front of her. His azure eyes were staring at her black orbs and he grinned widely, baring his fangs at her and smirking seductively.  in her fantasy, Sara was reading a book and put it aside to focus her attention on him. His voice was thick with arousal and she understood that he didn’t want to talk about her books with her. He bent forward to kiss her but she put her hand in between them to stop him. She wanted to frustrate him some and make him groan so she pushed his face away and nipped at her bottom lip.

“No John, not your way...”

“Fine! What do you want then?”

He was curious, she was playful. She knew he wanted to pounce on her, possess her like a wild mammal to fulfill his need but she had other plans in mind. She wanted to first lose her mind. Usually when he was almost driven crazy but his natural urges, she would let him undress her and ensure she was wet enough for him before he took her. Sara could easily be turned on, and that night was not any different. from the moment she saw his face, she was starting to get turned on. yet,  that night, she wanted to be pampered first. Both of them had been mentally exhausted and frustrated. The boys were wreaking havoc and becoming more of a threat than ever. There had been a whole debacle with Soldier Boy and everything ended up making Sara worried for Homelander. It ended up stressing the fuck out of him too which was the perfect reason for both of them to get together and unwind.

She grinned and pointed with her forefinger down below, to her navel, then a bit further down. Her mischievous gaze met his curious one. He understood what she wanted and slowly started to tear her tank top. He let her feel the cold gloves against her boiling-hot skin, which made her arch her back and shiver slightly. He was between her legs, which since she was in a chair, were naturally spread on each of his sides. He pushed open the fabric so he could have a better view of her lush breasts. His eyes were flashing red light as his excitement with over the top, for he was less and less in total control of his instincts. That tiny little red line he could so easily cross was the only thing that prevented him from lasering her out. He still had control, of course! and anyone else would have been scared but not Sara.  

She was turned on even more because she knew how much control he needed right now and how hard he was fighting against the urge to simply take her right here and right there. Her request, at such a moment, was a new challenge for him and she could see, the veins on his arms and neck. Her breath was sharp but she held his blue gaze, to see his very reactions to whatever she might be doing next. He was watching indeed, breathing on her warm inner thigh. Sara rolled her hips and cupped her supple breasts,

“Go on baby..” She breathlessly commanded as she started to knead her large bosom. He watched intently but obeyed her command,  he used his hands to push her skirt down her legs. It was painfully slow so she could hear the screeching sound of the pushed fabric. She helped him as she moved her hips upwards so he could remove quickly the fabric as well as her ruined wet panties. Sara smiled at him and curbed a brow as Homelander moistened his lips and wrapped his muscular arms around her toned and thick legs, ready to oblige her request. The scent alone was driving him crazy and he knew that the moment he would venture his tongue down there, the moment he would lose control of himself.

But could he be blamed?

Sara rolled her head as her fantasy took off and she could feel shivers go down her spine. She loved the idea of her Homelander eating her out. She moaned out as her fingers replaced his tongue in reality. She rubbed her folds, felt her wetness coat her fingers, and made it easier for her to slide her fingers in and out of her tight little core. She could feel her toes curl as she went faster inside her hot pussy. She could almost feel as if he was there as if his tongue was tasting her and visiting every crease and crevice inside her warm hot little cunt. Oh, how she wished he was there. How she wished he could fill her up.  

She wanted to hear him talk to her, to hear him speak crudely to her ear. She wanted to feel him stretch her little cunt with his tongue, to make her moan his name, which she did as if he was the one making her quiver and lose control. Her eyes rolled back into her skull and she closed her legs around her hand. She needed Homelander. She needed him so bad that even though she managed to bring herself to completion. it wasn't the same as if it was him. As she came hard, soaking her chair and her legs with her warm essence. She gasped and shook, her mouth unable to stay close as she needed to moan loudly. Her hand ran through her hair and face. She tasted herself, licking her fingers with eagerness until she finally leaned back into her chair. She was missing her boyfriend and she needed to reach out to him. So she grabbed her phone and tried to call him in hopes he would answer and they could meet again. 

Would he answer? 

TB: Christmas wish

Sara was nervously chewing at the tip of her pen. Her mind has been buzzing ever since the end of November. December was one of the favorite months of the singer because of the holidays taking place. She enjoyed Christmas more than anything and wanted to celebrate this year. It was not a coincidence since this year she met Homelander -John- and Ryan his son and quickly enough, the two of them became her family. She knew it was going very fast, she was being way too fast for her own sake but could she really shake the desire to actually have a relationship with  Homelander and his son? As per usual, when under pressure, the supe started to tuck her hair behind her ears. She anticipated rejection from Homelander, and he would be right to deny her because their relationship was so young and he didn't want to subject his son to another debacle like it was with Stormfront. Could she blame him? Ryan had no say in this situation, Stormfront decided to act like his mother and didn't acknowledge the presence of Becca, Ryan's mother. She was a nazi piece of shit who propped Homelander as the poster boy of her rancid ideology and Ryan was just forced to deal with it too. Sara was different. 

She built a relationship with the young boy, one where she was not a surrogate mother nor did she want to erase this relationship from existence. The boy had, unlike her, a parent who genuinely loved him and did her best to protect him. She was the mother Sara wished she had, and a model to follow rather than to try and snuff from his memory. Sara was a friend to Ryan, an adult who understood what it was to become an orphan and to navigate the troubled waters of self-hatred and a desire for more. She understood him, to some extent of course, and she was willing to scold him if there was a need for him and "parent" him because the child still needed a structure. She was ready to be this active in the life of this child and to treat him like she wished she was by her own parents. Funny, wasn't it?  All her life, Sara had wanted to have a family of her own, people to love and to be loved by them. She thought she had it with Tara and later on with Brett but they weren't interested in having a family. They didn't want to give her the space to make dinner and decorate her apartment in the spirit of the holidays and it made her grow frustrated as time went by.  Now that they were out of her life, Sara felt the urge to genuinely and unapologetically celebrate the holidays with the people she loved. 

Still, the idea that she might be rejected stressed her out and she couldn't bring herself to write to Homelander. If she had a request to make, she would have to make it face to face and risk being rejected in her face. It was scary, but it was necessary and Sara was willing to try her luck and to try and convince him. Homelander, as far as she knew, had never really celebrated the holidays. She saw ads and commercials but it was all PR. He never actually spent time with his "so-called" family. He never enjoyed the holidays as they were supposed to be, a moment to gather as a family and to love one another. She had already made lists of gifts she could buy or make for the boys and had already thought about several menus she would suggest. It had to be a family tradition and it had to involve the three of them. Yet, no matter how positively she envisioned the moment she would request it, Sara felt the knot in the pit of her stomach grow bigger and bigger to the point of forcing her to stop pacing around and put her hand on her stomach. If Dotty knew what she was up to, she would have scolded her protegée so hard, that Sara would have turned 7 again.  She would have advised against making something like this in fear of Homelander losing his mind but Sara knew better. She knew her baby. She knew he wouldn't hurt her and would not reject a chance at being a family with her. All she had to do was to prepare her speech and reassure him. Everything would be fine! 

Everything should be fine!

TB: Bonding with Ryan again.

 As soon as Ryan saw Sara he ran to her and gave her a big hug. He was happy to see the older woman who offered to take him on a date so they could bond and eat ice cream. Homelander dropped his son at her apartment in the morning and informed the pair he would come back when he wouldn't be needed at work. They kissed briefly before he flew off to the tower. She then turned to look at Ryan who was already staring at the pictures scattered around the apartment. He noticed that there were very few pictures of Sara as a child or with her family. He saw the one she took with Dotty at the swimming pool and pointed at it while looking at Sara. 

"It's the only picture of you with someone."

"I don't have a lot of pictures I like." She replied earnestly. - "But it's not really the question you wanted to ask, is it?" -He shook his head and walked to the kitchen counter.- "Go ahead. Ask me what you really want to ask."

"Why don't you have a picture of your family?" 

Sara smiled and gently walked towards the fridge. She grabbed some ice cream and put a couple scoops in two bowls. She didn't expect to be asked a soul-piercing question so early in the morning and was wondering how she was going to respond to him. She had to be honest, to answer truthfully because Ryan would not appreciate being lied to. She didn't want to hide that part of herself either but was afraid of how she would talk about it. She pinched her lips together and slowly put the bowls on the kitchen counter. She then went and grabbed some spoons. She handed the spoons and sat on the stools at the kitchen table.

"It's a long and not-so-nice story, Ryan. Are you sure you want to know?"

"yeah. I want to know."

"Well....My parents always told me that my powers were a gift from god. I didn't know any better because I was just a 5-year-old girl. They were very stern and cold parents to me. When I didn't perform well, they punished me very very hard." -She paused for a second and then took a deep breath- "it felt like a prison rather than a family. I grew up without having friends and because I became the sole breadwinner of the family, I had to work hard every day and earn money for my family."

"They never celebrated your birthday?"

"They only did it once, when I was 5 years old. Most of the time they left me at my aunt's place and with my cousins while they spent the money I earned for them. My cousins hated me, so I always came home with bruises and wounds but my parents never cared for this." -She took a spoonful of ice cream and ate some, while Ryan mimicked her and took some too.-

 Sara's voice started to crack as she told her story. She didn't want him to see her lose her composure or try and dig deeper into her past. Being truthful and clinical seemed to be the way to go as it allowed the supe to tell her story without feeling like crumbling down. Ryan was perceptive, he realized that it was hurting Sara to remember her past but before he could tell her to stop if she didn't feel like it, she resumed talking. 

"Then, when I was 15 they were murdered. Back in the day, we didn't know who did it, but rumors had it that they had wronged Vaught. I learned not so long ago that it was true. Mom stole from Vaught the Compound V that gave me my powers. Nobody in my family wanted to take me in, thinking I was the child of the devil, so I went to an orphanage and stayed there until I turned 18 and met Dotty, the blonde woman in the picture you saw on my fridge." She then furrowed her brows- "That is why I don't have any picture of my family." She then gave a faint smile at Ryan who nodded quickly. 

"It sucks..."

"It sure does! But hey, I'm alive!" -She grinned and gently reached out to his head so she could stroke it gently. Ryan gave her a crooked smile and resumed eating his ice cream- "And I'm with you today, so more reasons to be happy. I have been wondering, do you think that you'd like it if we took a picture with your dad? I've been wondering if this was a good idea, you know?"

"I'd like to have a picture, an actual picture, and not some PR stunt! If we took one, where would you put it? On your fridge?" -She shook her head- "You're going to frame it?" -She nodded and he grinned- "Cool!"

"Cool!" -Sara grinned and then looked at her fridge. She understood why the child would have asked her about the lack of family pictures. She never really thought about it before, about the lack of candid shots that showed she had an active and happy private life. Sure, she didn't have her family, but she had been in relationships before, she had a life before...And nothing to show for it. Her black eyes moved from left to right and she furrowed her brows.- "Ryan. Be honest with me. Did you ask to come here or was it your dad?"

"I asked to come. I wanted to spend the day with you. Why?"

"I'm happy you chose to be with me. I can be a little boring though. There's no video games here. I read mostly. I also cook, and I watch TV."

"It's okay. I don't like boring. What do you like to read?"

He was laid back,  far more than she thought he would be for a teenager his age. She tucked some hair behind her ear and gave him a sheepish smile while he kept eating his ice cream. Her fingers tapped against the marble table and she licked her bottom lip. Well, she liked to read fantasy books and romance and sometimes she bought books because she was petty and wanted to laugh, like the Deep's books. She chuckled and pointed at the book that was still on the couch she was sitting on moments earlier.

"I like fantasy and romance, but these days I am laughing at the Deep's biography. He sucks and his book sucks even more." She then leaned her cheeks against the warm palm of her right hand and smiled at Ryan who smiled back at her. He didn't have a definitive opinion on the Deep, mostly because he didn't spend much time with him but he knew that his father hated the supe with all of his guts. He knew that a lot of people didn't like the Deep so it wasn't a surprise to see that Sara laughed at him.- "Maybe we could read it together today and we can have a good laugh?"

"We could! or maybe I could ask you some more questions about your family?"

"Only if I can ask you one about yours!" -He nodded and took another spoonful of ice cream- "Alright. What do you want to know?"

"Well... How did it feel when your parents died? Now that you're a megastar, did your family try to reach out to you? And...Who is your family today?"

"You really pull no punches, do you? mmmhhh, let's see. I was the one who found my parents' bodies. I was scared, but I also felt relieved that they were dead. I was old enough to realize that my parents never loved me and only saw me as a tool for them to use as they saw fit. I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. I wanted to have parents, people who were supposed to love me, people who were supposed to care for me... instead, I got people who hated me and wanted to use me. So at first, I was shocked. I cried for them. I was scared that whoever did this would try to come for me. But then... I simply sighed and it felt better. I felt warm. I was free! Does that make me look like a monster to you?"

"No. I got it. I understand. They were never your parents, they just brought you into this world but they never were your parents."

"yes..." -She replied, wiping a rogue tear that fell down her cheeks- "As for your second question. My Aunt and cousins tried to reach out to me. Recently. At first, they wanted to undermine me and my success. They called me the devil on TV, they got paid to tell the press about my past and the tabloids loved them for that. Recently, my aunt became very sick so they decided they would try to bully me into giving them money. I refused. I'm not giving them a cent."

"I'm glad they can't hurt you anymore." -He said while taking another spoonful of ice.-

"They will still try and I am sure they will get creative but I am not afraid anymore. I'm not alone." -She then paused for a moment, so she could eat a little bit of ice cream- "And to answer your last question. Dotty is like a mother to me. I consider her like my family and for a while she was the only family I had but then I met your dad and I met you." She then cupped his cheek. "And if you want to be my family, I would be very happy." -He blushed and gave her a crooked smile- "Do you want me to be part of your family?"

"You're...You're pretty cool yeah." -He said, still sheepishly smiling. She understood that he was being coy and didn't insist.- "I know you care about my dad and I know you care about me too. I can feel it." -He added, his blue eyes now set upon the older woman.- "And it feels good to know that."

"Yeah? I have been wondering...Do you... Does your mom have a grave? I was thinking that maybe you would like to visit it sometime and talk to her?" -She watched him stiffen at the mention of his mother and his face darkened a little.-

"I don't want to go to her grave. I don't want to see it! She's dead, Sara! She's dead and I killed her! You said you were a monster, but I am a monster! I am a monster!" -He yelled-

Sara realized that she pushed the wrong buttons on this child and shook her head. She stood up and immediately wrapped her arms around his shoulders to press his head against her heart. He was just a child, he didn't kill his mother on purpose, how could he think that he was a monster when he was far from it? She pressed a kiss to his forehead and then cupped both of his cheeks. 

"You're not a monster, Ryan! You're not a monster! if anything, you're a wonderful kid, okay?! I know you feel responsible for your mom's death but you aren't responsible for it. The adults in your life, Vaught, the boys..even your mom put her life on the line. She knew the risks and she wanted to protect you, what happened wasn't your fault and I refuse to let you think otherwise." She held him so tight in her arms that the child couldn't help but cry. He held onto her and cried harder. "I know you miss her. I know you miss her. I'm so sorry."

He didn't speak but he nodded and Sara knew that he was listening to her.  Her heart broke for the child because unlike her, he had a family that he lost and was missing. She couldn't relate to it but was well aware of how heartbreaking it was to lose someone they cared about. She wanted to protect Ryan and found out that it pained her to see this child hurt. Could it be that she was genuinely attached to the kid? Of course, she was! Of course, she was!

TB: Silver-Fox Homelander

Headcanon: Silver-Fox Homelander

This is a very tricky situation because Homelander doesn't like aging. He doesn't want to grow older and he does everything in his power to hide his greys, cover his wrinkles, and maintain his youthful appearance. Sara is not bothered at all by his age and doesn't mind him going grey and visibly older. Sara thinks that growing old is a privilege in a world where you could die very young. She also thinks that it suits him very well. When they talk about it he makes it clear that he would never ever sport his natural hair. He would dye them blonde (or black when incognito) until the day he died.  She still tries to soothe him by ensuring him that he will always be the love of her life and the most handsome man she's ever seen. 

TB: There is a thrill that keeps you on your toes.

There is a thrill that keeps you on your toes when your lover is the most dangerous man in the whole world. You know he would never hurt you, because he said so, because he showed you how much he cares for you and that he would protect you rather than hurt you. 

There is a thrill that keeps you on your toes when he is angry at someone. His eyes turn red, and violence is promised and you know that if he can't punish the person who angered him, then you can use that pent-up energy for your own benefit. You can transform this desire to kill into a desire to fuck you hard. You can make him love you with a passion you've never seen before. 

There is a thrill that keeps you on your toes when you see him at his worst. You know you should be careful because he is unhinged and yet... yet... yet you can feel the shiver go down your spine and you know you're turned on. Maybe you're messed up, just like him. Maybe you're confident that he would never hurt you and because you trust him with your life, you can abandon yourself to him. 

Maybe.. who cares? 

TB shorts

"Look, Homelander is the one the word "scarouse" was made for. I mean, he's handsome as hell, hot as hell, and I need my baby okay? but when he's upset and dangerous? He's scary... and he's hot at the same time! So I end up having the heebies-jeebies and the wetty wetties. okay?"

xxxx

What does it feel like to be lonely at the top?

Safe would be the first word to come to mind.

Desperate would be the second one.

I stripped all of my layers for you, trusting you will care for the real me.

I lowered all of my defenses for you, trusting that you will care for me.

It's because I wanted you, baby. I wanted all of you.

It's because I trusted you, baby. you'll never hurt me.

I know, I know that I have been had in the past. Put my trust in the wrong people. Gave my love to the wrong people.

But I know that I'm in the right with you.

I know that I'm the right one for you.

I know that you love me.

You love me.

Don't you baby?

xxxx

What do you see when you look at me? The eccentric singer? The energetic artist? The woman in love with you? The Only Fans content maker? The broken-hearted woman? The broken young girl? The unwanted orphan? The abused child? Tell me...which version of me do you see?

xxx

And what if I told you that I couldn't sleep at night without your arms wrapped around my body? And what if I told you that I can't start the day without seeing your face and hearing your voice? What about it? What would you say to it? I have you under my skin and there is nothing that could compare to how you make me feel, baby. I love you.

xxxx

All I wanted, all I ever wanted was to have someone who cared about me. 

All I wanted, all I ever wanted was to have someone who could see me.

Sara...not Unnamed Girl. I needed someone who could see me as I really was. 

Someone who would like me without artifices, makeup, or lies. 

I found it with him. Homelander that is. 

It's absurd come to think of it, how my parents and family could have been different.

They could have loved me, they could have cherished me and I would have given them back tenfolds.

Instead, my parents tried to use me and trained me to become the family money-maker.

Instead, my family ostracized me, thinking of me as nothing less than a monster.

I found love with him. Homelander that is.

xxxx

She was so carefree, and finally her hard work paid off somehow. Sara had always longed for a place to belong, for love, for recognition. She wanted to matter to someone, not just as a singer or an Only Fans model, but also as a person. She was so carefree and could finally look back at her life. She knew that her parents would have hated her career. They would say she was vulgar and was wasting her life and skills. They would have hated her relationships, and disapproved of her sexuality. They would have first encouraged her to date him but then, as his reputation would have deteriorated, they would have urged her to break up with him to protect her brand. To hell with them! To hell with her extended family since they rejected her! To hell with her haters. She was carefree. She was loved. She was there

xxxx

"I used to think that I should give everything to my fans, and don't get me wrong, I love them because they love me. I love them because they put me where I am today. I just want to love myself more and try and find some happiness for myself. So I no longer think that I have to sacrifice everything to my fans and that I deserved to find what would make me genuinely happy too."

xxxx

I use glitter and glamour to hide the pain inside. I use glitter and glamour to pretend that everything is fine. Only those who care about me can see right through me. But who does? Who really cares?

xxxx

"Be careful when you talk to me, I could throw you against a wall if I don't like what you're saying."

xxxxx

"There is Sara and there is Unnamed Girl. I thought I could live without Sara because Unnamed Girl was the one who got most of the love. I wanted to drown the true version of myself since she was hated by those close to me. It could have worked, it would have worked if I had not met The Homelander. He saw through me. He saw the real me. He loves me for me and no one can ever take it away from me."

xxxx

TB: bonding with Ryan

Ryan had fallen asleep on her couch. That poor child was exhausted from the day he spent with Sara. Homelander heard his son talk about boredom and to give him something to do and a place to be outside the Tower he sent him to Sara.  She was preparing her next tour and showed him behind the scenes. He met with her dancers and learned one step of the choreography they were making. He met with her musicians and the drummer and guitarist showed him the baselines of their instruments. He met with the seamstress and her children, a 9-year-old girl and a 15-year-old boy who quickly befriended him. He was just Ryan, a 14-year-old boy. They talked and played games until Sara took Ryan to lunch.  While they ate, she asked him questions about how he was adjusting to life under the spotlight, gave him some pieces of advice from her own experience as a megastar, and honestly answered his questions about her stardom, her opinion on the Seven, and her relationship with his dad. 

It surprised him that she replied to him without attempting to lie and it reassured him to see that she loved his dad and genuinely liked to be in his company. Sara wasn’t afraid of him. She knew his power and she knew he could have a hard time controlling it due to his age, but she had compassion for him.  Sara then confided in her time at the orphanage. She told him about how lonely she felt there and the only friend she made, ended up running away from the orphanage, leaving her behind.  She told him that she didn’t trust people's words but rather their actions. He resonated with her words and they bonded over their issues.

Little by little that day helped Ryan feel less lonely and grow attached to Sara who in turn found herself loving the boy.  It just felt so natural, to talk to him, to watch him glow and open up to her. He felt safe with her and that was the best compliment she could ever get for her little guy. Well, from Homelander’s son. From…. Ryan.  As the day went on and he spent some more time with the children of her seamstress, Sara finished her dance number and training. They revised the choreography and felt undecided about the last part of it.  Ryan felt tired and asked Sara if he could nap somewhere. She took him to her office where there was a comfortable couch he could lay on.  

« Just one more hour before I take you back to your dad. We could even stop for some ice cream. »

« Yeah yeah, whatever you like. I’m fine with it. » 

She then grabbed a little blanket and gently covered the boy with it as he was falling asleep. As she bent forward to kiss his forehead he whispered. 

« I had fun today. You’re pretty cool. » 

Which made her smile. It really didn’t take long for Ryan to make his way into her heart. It really didn’t take long for Sara to feel that she was ready to protect this boy with all the strength she had. Just like that, he became a family. 

-TBC-

Trivia headcanon: what I love about them

Tom:  "Tom's drive is something I truly admire. Once he sets his eyes on something, he is relentless. He would not stop until he saw his vision realized. He loves his family and it is something I don't compromise with. I love that about him. I love that he wants the best for his loved ones and would do his best to protect them or to give them the life they want. I admire his intelligence as well. He is so clever, above the rest of us all and sometimes it's intimidating. I fear I'm not clever enough for him or maybe moving way too slow for a mind like his but he never made me feel daft or ridiculous. He never made me feel inadequate. I love how passionate he is about horses and his freedom... He's a wanderer and while it's not something that suits me perfectly, I do envy his ability to lust after freedom and to leave whenever he feels like it for however long he sees fit. He's one of the strongest men I know and the only one I can trust blindly. Well.. it does help that I want to become his wife and have his babies! someday...Because I know he will give his children what he didn't have while growing up..... to the best of his abilities."

Homelander: "Homelander... John...regardless of who he is with me has always been honest with me. He never lied and has always shown me who he really was. I love that about him. I love that he is always attentive to whatever I need and however I feel. he's always made sure I was happy and had all my needs met. I have to say, he is adorable. I think that it's a part of him that even he doesn't know exists. He's adorable with me, fine with mundane things, and content with spending time with me doing whatever we want to be doing. I feel safe with him -I know that plenty of people don't but I don't care-. He's fun, we have great fun together and he makes me chuckle or laugh while others fail to do so. he is entertaining and I love that we get to discover things together, things he was never taught to enjoy the way others do. I love it the most when he sneaks behind me and wraps his arms around my frame to kiss my neck. He's so cute. And when he's relaxed and happy, we have the deepest conversations. I know he wasn't loved properly when he was younger but I am glad that we can heal our younger selves together. I... Love that he can open up to me and be vulnerable and true to me. Not a lot of people can speak so freely about what plagues their minds but he does. He trusts me. He cares for me... He..maybe he loves me too. All I know is that I love him and I want him to be happy... So happy!"

Klaus: "Klaus' wits are so fast. he has the best comebacks! They do hurt sometimes and they crush me when he directs his venom at me. Yet, when I can witness him talk his mind off, it's quite a delight! He is clever, cultured, and honestly very entertaining to me. I enjoy spending time with him and could spend every single night for the next couple of centuries (or all of eternity if I am allowed to live that long) with him. he is passionate, sensual, a man with a drive that goes beyond anything else. He is a family man too. No matter what he thinks or says, he cares for his family and this has drawn me to him. Did I mention that I love his artistic streak? because he is such an artist and it's pleasant to watch him paint, relaxing even for me. Klaus is... How to put it gently? I love that Klaus doesn't let people dog-walk him. I love that he makes sure that people respect him and I love that he asserts himself this strongly. I love that he is able to lower his defenses for me and show me a more vulnerable side of himself. He's loveable. He's so loveable... I wish he knew just how much I love him. I wish he knew he wasn't unredeemable. Not in my eyes."

Dean:  "You have to know that I am obsessed with my husband. He's charming, he's funny! He's so caring! You wouldn't believe just how beautiful his soul is. He is selfless and he's so fun! I love it when he makes jokes with me. I love when he taunts me or when he messes with my mind sometimes. I love when we get to laugh together and when he carries me all over the bunker.  He feels safe, he is safe for me! He is kind and you should see him with kids! he's the best man around. I love how loyal he is and how dedicated to his job he is. I mean, he's a world savior and has saved it more times than I can count! you can't tell that the man isn't trying to save lives! he is a freaking hero in my eyes and he would always be. I think that one of the things that truly makes me swoon is that despite the horrors he's experienced, he still kept his humanity. He still kept his gorgeous soul and I will do my best to make sure that he knows just how much loveable he is! he deserves the world and I love him with everything I hold dear."

Pride: "It's a bit complicated to talk about such perfection. If I speak, I will crumble. I want to keep my decorum."

Jaime:  "Jaime is a man of his word. He has a strong sense of honor. I love that he's family-oriented and I love that he cares for people more than he wants to admit. If he didn't, he wouldn't have saved the people of King's Landing. If he didn't... he wouldn't have tried to snap me out of my sacrificial lamb funk... He wouldn't have cared for me the way he did. Jaime is a kind man, sure, he can be dramatic and sometimes make my heart jump against my ribcage but that doesn't take away from him. He is clever, a man of knowledge who teaches me a lot about a world I don't know a lot about. he guides me, he is patient and he is so loving that I sometimes wonder if I deserve to be loved like this by him. He's so kind... Ah... And delicate with me. I love that he's a passionate man. When he looks at me with his intense green gaze. When he talks to me and serenades me all night? When he loves me, it's never in half. He goes all in.  He's honest as well and never lied to me not even once. I..oh...I love him so much, I feel like crying right now."

Annie:  "Annie is one of the bravest people I've ever known. She went through a lot of shit, I can tell. I can feel it. Despite it all, she's not jaded with life. She is still trying to see the light in everything in Life and her soul is beautiful because of it. Annie inspires me to strive for the best and be the best version of myself. She inspires me to be less of a coward and try and help people more. I mean, far more than just giving money to non-profit organizations. She saw right through my bullshit and brought me the comfort I didn't know I needed. She's easy to talk to. She's a company I love. I trust her, I trust her opinion on a lot of things. I hope I'm not screwing this friendship up because God, I would hate to lose her."

Maya: "Maya is one tough motherfucker! She is badass as hell and I admire that about her! She always stands back up after she was knocked down. She never gives up and she's so protective as well. She's the first person to ever make me feel safe after years of running away from my abusive ex. She made me feel like I was in good hands you know? That I could trust her and wouldn't be betrayed. She's a beacon of hope, for me that is... Because I can see her grow as a person, move on from the terrible life she had before, and be happy. She's proof that we can be happy, even when we don't feel like we deserve it. I hope she now believes she deserves to be loved because she does. She's selfless and caring. She has such a big heart. Don't tell her that I call her "Disney princess" because of her love for animals and how easily they love her. Who wouldn't love her? I definitely do. I love her smile, it's so warm and so charming... it's so sweet and so... adorable. She's my sister and I hope that regardless of what life has in store for us, she knows that until the end of my life, she was my favorite person in the whole world. "

Kyra: "Lady Kyra is a beautiful and brave woman. I know that her strength was born out of trauma and the circumstances of her upbringing but by the gods, is she strong! She has more power and more strength in her pinky than any of the lords she has to deal with at Casterly Roc. Kyra would have made a fine queen if she had the opportunity and she makes a fine head of the Noble houses affiliated to the Lannister Family. She would lead them much better than any of the men before her.  She is clever, so clever...I sometimes wonder how she doesn't find me daft next to her. I also love the way she tells stories because she tells them so well. She makes my mind travel to places I have never been before and she has such a lovely sense of humour. She's my friend...no... She's my sister and I hope that we will remain friends... I mean, we would become sisters before the gods but I do hope, I do hope that our relationship would only blossom and not sour."

TB headcanons: Her freckles

Sara’s freckles cover her body. She usually covers them when she’s Unnamed Girl to remain incognito when she is Sara Richardson. 

This has been a contentious point in all of her relationships as Brett and Tara wanted her to cover her skin when they were together. 

Sara doesn’t hate them but believes that no one would ever want to be her friend/ date her because of these. 

Homelander changed the way she perceived them and she loves to just be herself. 

Her hair is bone straight due to compound V but she sometimes curls them to have an Afro on.

TB: stripping herself down

She stripped herself down to the bone, sacrificing everything she had for someone else’s happiness. 

What did that bring her if not pain and misery!? 

Tara was right when she said she was a people pleaser and that ultimately didn’t give her the love she needed. 

She realized that someone who genuinely cared for her would not let her hurt herself. Someone who genuinely cared for her would not require her to lose everything for them. Where was the joy in such a relationship?

In truth, Sara wasn’t sure that anyone would actually want her love. Why would they when she destroyed everything she touched? That was why she had no friends… and why she was terrified of losing her new love.

TB: Did you know?

//Well, Sara suffers from PTSD from the abuse she received at the hands of her former relationships. To this day she hasn't dealt with what happened to her and every time she hears from her former lovers/ abusers she freaks out and breaks down. This came right after she read what Tara said about ther. 

"Did you know about this, Dot? " -Sara threw the tabloids on the table of her manager.-

"Why do you bother reading this? I told you that you shouldn't be reading garbage." -Dotty removed her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. Her blue eyes set upon the magazines and she noticed that Tara's interview was plastered all over.-

"Did you /know/  about this, Dot??? Did you know she would give an interview to Vaught News? Did you know what she said about me?"

"Forget about this, baby. It's irrelevant!" -Sara hit her chest in protest of what Dotty was saying to her. -

"It's fucking /relevant!/ She said shit about /me/!!!" Sara hit the table with her hand and Dotty gasped as she didn't expect her protegee to hit the table this hard. Sara was losing her composure and unfortunately for her, it led to an anxiety attack. "She said shit about me!"

Dotty watched as Sara kept pushing her hair behind her ears. She was breathing heavily and her eyes quickly filled with unshed tears. She couldn't stop herself from crying and walked in circles. Dotty stood up and outstretched her hand towards the young woman. Sara couldn't see her, the tears rolled down her cheeks and she shook from head to toe. Flashbacks of Tara belittling her, threatening her, and making her feel lesser then came back to her. Tara spoke of her as if it was the truth as if she was really this pathetic and this easy to read. Dotty walked toward Sara and grabbed her shoulders to soothe her. Sara pushed her away, refusing to be touched by the older woman and she recoiled to the corner of the room.  The singer then knelt on the floor and sobbed louder.  She kept pushing her hair behind her ears, unable to stop the self-soothing gesture, and screamed. 

Dotty could feel her heart sink in her chest as she knew just how easily Sara could spiral. Tara and Brett had both traumatized her so much that the singer could barely keep herself together when she heard about them. Dotty tried her best to keep her safe, making sure that she wouldn't read anything online or wouldn't watch interviews on TV. Deep down, the older woman knew just how much pain Tara and Brett inflicted on Sara. She didn't know the extent of it, but she could see the bruises and cuts on her body, she was there when Sara needed to go to the hospital to have her ribs fixed or a plaster on her legs. While she never admitted it out loud, Dotty felt that she failed her protegee. She failed Sara. Even now she failed to protect her from a breakdown. 

"I'm here. I'm here baby. Tara's garbage. Whatever she said in that interview wasn't true. it wasn't true. Are you sensitive? yes! Fragile? at times, yes! You didn't meet the right people and weren't loved properly but that doesn't make you defective. You are not... you are not what she said you were! Sara! Sara, please look at me."

But Sara was still crying. She couldn't calm down and the words Dotty was desperately saying didn't reach out to her ears. She could hear DOtty but couldn't understand her. The words didn't reach out to her brain. How could they when panic had swallowed Sara? Dotty shook her head and tried to think of another way to reach out to the young woman. She put her hands before her where Sara could see them and slowly moved them to brush over Sara's hands. 

"Sara.. Breathe.  Breathe... You're safe here. You're safe..."

Sara looked up to Dotty's face. She saw her wet eyes, tears that had streamed down her face as she felt her protegee's pain. It was enough to help Sara focus on her face and tilt her head to the side. She slowly grabbed Sara's hands and held onto them with her warm hands. Sara's black orbs stared at the older woman's blues. She kept repeating the words, she kept telling Sara she was safe and that nothing could happen to her, enough for Sara to calm down. 

"Wh... Why? Why don't they leave me be? Why do they have to come back and hurt me, Dotty? She dumped me years ago! why is she trying to hurt me again?" She moaned out and sobbed harder. "I am exhausted, Dot. Exhausted... Hasn't she hurt me enough?"

"She will never be satisfied until you're groveling at her feet. She... noticed you were doing better and she wanted to destroy whatever happiness you felt. It's her...She's defective, not you. not you!!" -She cupped Sara's cheeks and gently stroked her skin.- "Please Sara... You should seek therapy. I can't... I can't help you the way I want to. I don't have the knowledge to guide you through this. They hurt you and they... you're still hurting, baby."

"No! I don't want to talk to someone about what happened. I don't want to relive this, Dot. I don't want to relive the shit they put me through... Don't make me. Please!" She said, her lips still trembling. "I just want everything to stop... I just.. need everything to stop." She said, still sobbing before she slowly lay on the floor, her head against Dotty's thighs. She curled into a ball and cried, more softly this time than before. Dotty ran her hand through her hand through Sara's black locks and sighed, defeated by the situation. 

"I won't make you. It's okay... it's okay baby... You're okay." 

But would she be? 

Short updated bio 2024: Sara edition

Short updated bio. (2023)

❥ — ɴᴀᴍᴇ - Sara Richardson

❥ — ᴍᴀᴛᴜʀɪᴛʏ - 25

❥ — ᴏᴄᴄᴜᴘᴀᴛɪᴏɴ - Singer

❥ — ʀᴇsɪᴅᴇɴᴄᴇ - New York

❥ — ʜᴏᴍᴇᴛᴏᴡɴ - Boston

❥ — sᴇxᴜᴀʟ ɪɴᴄʟɪɴᴀᴛɪᴏɴ - Bisexual

❥ — ʀᴇʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴsʜɪᴘ sᴛᴀᴛᴜʀᴇ - Homelander

❥ — ғᴀᴍɪʟʏ -   Father -  † (killed by Black Noir)

                         Mother -  †  (Killed by Black Noir)

                         Extended family - An Aunt and four cousins and their own families. (alive but estranged)

                         Homelander- Lover (alive)

                         Ryan - Step-son (alive)

❥ — Best friend: formerly Mallory Johnson (who also was her first girlfriend)

❥ — ᴘᴇʀsᴏɴᴀʟɪᴛʏ ::

  - Impulsive, independent, stubborn, strong-willed, compassionate, self-serving, intense, vindictive, ambitious, scaredy-cat.

❥ — Current events

     ❜  - She has crossed paths with her ex Tara, which sent her into a spiral.

     ❜  - Brett is in town and ready to cause trouble.

❥ — 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒.

❜  -  [N] Homelander  - Lover

❜  - [E]: Annie January / Starlight - friend. 

❜  - [Mine] Dotty - Legal guardian / Manager / Mother figure.

❜  - [Mine] Tara Bennet - Ex-girlfriend. 

❜  - [Mine] Brett- Ex-boyfriend 

❜  - [Mine] Duncan Davidson - Neighbourg and ex-fling. 

❜  - [Mine]     Billy Butcher - enemy. 

TB: headcanons: Homelander and Sara's love!

 Homelander's passion only matches Sara's. She loves his kisses, she loves his cuddles, and she loves when he touches her and holds her in his arms. She loves the way he loves her and she honestly can't think of living her life without him in it. Homelander gives Sara what she has always lacked: love and affection.

xxx

Homelander's hair dye and stubble work so well that nobody can tell it's Homelander. Sara loves his blonde hair but she also loves when he grows a beard and when he dyes his hair. It turns her on so much that she can't keep her hands off of him when he is "John".

xxx

Sara has freckles that cover her whole body. It took a while for her to grow comfortable into her own skin. She discovered a new love for her body, for her freckles and the affection from Homelander transformed her.

xxx

"Look, Homelander is the one the word "scarouse" was made for. I mean, he's handsome as hell, hot as hell, and I need my baby okay? but when he's upset and dangerous? He's scary... and he's hot at the same time! So I end up having the heebies jeebies and the wetty wetties. okay?"

TB: I don't care about the world

The world is in shambles but I do not care about it. 

I do not care about whether or not supes would reign supreme. 

I do not care about those who hate me or those who don't care about it. 

I care only about those who love me, those who want my company, and those who want to be with me. 

The world is in shambles but I do not care about it. 

It could crash and burn for all I care, why would I bother with the world when it didn't do shit for me?

Why should I care about the well-being of others when I and plenty of children, rotted at the orphanage? 

They watched me crave affection, do pony tricks to please others and shrink myself for them.

They watched me cry myself to sleep without any tender gesture to comfort me. 

They watched me hate myself, pick my body apart, and try to hide my freckles so people would love me.

They watched me suffer from the fists and kicks of the one who was supposed to love me for me.

So why should I care about the world? 

Why should I care about others? 

There's just Sara, her needs, her desires, and her dreams. There's just Sara and the people who love her.

There's just... Me! 

TB: We hide our scars and imperfections!

We hide our scars and little imperfections to the rest of the world, thinking that nobody in their right mind could love them. We keep our thoughts to ourselves, in fear that someone might judge us and not love us for who we are. I used to think I had to cover my freckles because they were ugly and nobody could love me if I didn't hide them. My previous partners wanted me to hide who I was, to cover myself up in glamour so they wouldn't have to see the real me. I had to put on a fake persona so they wouldn't have to deal with the real me. Sara had to be hidden. Sara had to be forgotten.. Sara had to disappear. 

We hide our scars and little imlperfections to the rest of the world because they convinced us that we didn't matter. They drilled into our skulls that we should conform to their idea of what was beautiful. Baby, it really took Homelander for me to realize that I was beautiful, that I was worthy of being loved. And let me tell you something, I love myself. I love myself so much that you can't tell me shit about my body. You can't tell me shit about my skin or my curves or whatever! Baby, I'm beautiful! I know it now. I'm sure of it now. I am loved for who I am now! Yeah! I am loved!

TB: Why did it hurt so bad?

Why is it still hurting so bad? 

Sara had no idea why her old wounds refused to heal properly. She was still struggling with the ghosts of her past relationships. She saw Tara just once after so many years apart and it was enough to send her into a spiral of self-doubt and pain. Today things were different, weren't they? She was a successful artist, people loved her, they worshipped her... she even found love with Homelander. Didn't she? He loved her, didn't he? Still, the sight of Tara made her crumble to the point of having panic attacks. Tara's words cut deep, way too deep and Sara felt vulnerable again. It shouldn't be a surprise, after all, Tara always made sure Sara knew she didn't deserve her. Tara was the one people wanted. She was beautiful, she had charisma, and she was clever. Hell, she was even richer than Sara when they were dating. When they were outside and Sara was not in her Unnamed Girl persona (and appearance), it was Tara who was under the spotlight. She was perfect and Sara felt inadequate in that relationship. To compensate for what she perceived was lacking, Sara started to behave like a servant. She was at the beck and call of Tara always went above and beyond for her. She erased so much of her personality to serve Tara's every whim and feed on her narcissistic traits. Still... it wasn't enough. It was never enough. Sara was never good. 

It impacted her so much that even years later, the singer felt knots in her stomach. She remembered the day Tara left her, out of boredom -which was the official reason she gave Sara when in truth, she couldn't handle the rise to stardom of her girlfriend-. Sara was devastated. She was boring? She was suffocating? She shouldn't be affectionate lest she takes the risk of being left... She shouldn't be talking about what she loved the most  (her art) nor should she try to embrace her true personality. Tara wanted to destroy her but didn't succeed and since her perfect toy was now broken, she decided to discard it. Sara didn't come to this conclusion, even after all these years. She couldn't see that her ex-girlfriend had just used her for her own pleasure. She didn't realize that even now, after their last encounter, it was just a matter of ego. She wanted to show Sara that the singer could never get over their breakup, and she wanted to rub in her face her own success. It didn't work, at least, not officially. Sara stood her ground but the minute she left, the minute she broke down. 

Why did it still hurt so bad? Why couldn't she just move on? 

She did move on. After Tara there was Brett but he was worse than Tara because he abused her physically and emotionally when Sara didn't do what he wanted her to. With such a bad relationship there was no mystery as to why she couldn't move on from Tara.. or Brett. With Homelander, things were different. He was not abusive to her. He didn't ask her to forsake her real personality. He cared for her. He took care of her. He loved her and Sara was thriving. He was the first person to ever show her genuine affection and she was worried sick about losing it all because of her mistakes... because of who and what she was deep down that he could find unpleasant. Because... she existed.  Sara walked in a circle for a moment before she grabbed her phone, and doom-scrolled for a minute before she threw it against the wall and screamed in frustration. She needed to heal from her past. She needed to heal. She needed to move on otherwise she would never be free from Tara and Brett's ghosts, but could she tell Homelander about the pain these two inflicted on her? Could she bring herself to show such vulnerability? Could she? 

-TBC-

TB: the most handsome // I thought I could live without Sara

 "I love to see John become more confident as we go out. With his hair dyed in black and a light stubble on his chin nobody can figure out he is Homelander.  I love to see him feel relaxed, do away with the  stress of  performing in front of an audience. I love to see him be his own person and be himself with me.  

He is the most handsome man I have ever seen but you know what I love the most about him? His wits. I love when we talk and the way he stares at me. I love it when he makes me feel like the best person he's ever met. But, more than anything, it is a priviledge to watch him get comfortable in his own skin, as himself, as John. I love him."

xxx

"There is Sara and there is Unnamed Girl.  I thought I could live without Sara because Unnamed Girl was the one who got most of the love.  I wanted to drown the true version of myself since she was hated by those close to me. It could have worked, it would have worked if I had not met The Homelander. He saw through me. He saw the real me. He loves me for me and no one can ever take it away from me."

TB: Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been something difficult for me to celebrate. I had egg and sperm donors but never had parents. I had a woman who tried to mold me into her perfect little money-making doll so I could sustain her gambling addiction. I had to be the prettiest little girl, the hard-working little girl, the future member of the "Seven", the one who would make them rich and famous. The joke's on you mama...Your greed got you killed by Vaught and set me free from both Dad and you.  Your death set me free from a family of vultures and manipulative assholes. Your death brought me the only woman I respect: Dotty. 

She took me in when she didn't have to. She saw the potential I had and listened to my dreams. She made them come true! I owe her the career I have today because she pulled the right strings, she knew the right people who were able to give me a chance. She took care of me, Mama. She took care of my bruised ego, and my broken self-worth, and nursed me back to health. She watched after me and allowed me to make mistakes without humiliating me for them. She allowed me to exist and helped put me back into one piece after each heartbreak. She was the mother you could never be. She deserves her flowers and my love, my eternal gratitude for loving me in her own way. So, happy Mother's Day, Dot! 

Happy Mother's Day to all the good mothers out there, for all the fathers pulling double duty, for all the family members taking on the role as well, for the guardians, and for all of those who are present in the lives of children.