DOYA: wide awake

//All usual disclaimers. Oya is my original character//

I have never seen you sleep so soundly for a long time. It had happened so rarely before I got shot that I can still count them on one hand. I slowly place a hand over your cheek and stroke it with my thumb as my hazel eyes stare at you. You feel so relaxed next to me, so relaxed that one wouldn't believe we'd just had a fight moments ago. I hate when we fight, Dean. It's always messy and tense... it's always me pushing you against the wall because I want to make you speak to me. Do you have an idea of how frustrating it is for me to see how you truly feel in your heart but you still choose not to share with me?

I hate when we fight Dean. I hate it because I know we hurt each other with words we throw like knives at the other. We hurt each other because that is the way we do.We get scared, we get upset and we fall back to what we know. Pushing people away. I look at you, breathing at a steady pace and I let my fingers run down your chest so I could feel your heartbeats. They soothe me when I'm sad and worried, they soothe me when I'm about to lose control. You pull me into a hug and let your fingers run through my hair and you kiss my forehead in silence. We don't need to speak unless we want to and I know that I am safe there, in your arms. I know I am safe with you and my fears fade away.

I never had the opportunity to truly fight for a relationship before you. Fabrice would avoid conflict at any cost up until he couldn't pretend he wasn't angry at me for becoming barren. He would accommodate himself to me so I would believe we had no problem. With you, things are very different. I know when we're not in a good place. You wouldn't say the words, but you would show me. I know that it would take us lots and lots of work to get used to being with someone else, find our own tune and do things together rather than fall back to what we know. We grew as a couple, I grew as a person thanks to you. Our last fight, do you remember how it went?

Before, I would have run into my room and cry myself to sleep because I wouldn't know how to react to you shutting me out of your mind like you always do when we argue. Do you think I haven't noticed you were doing this? Just yesterday, I saw it in your eyes but, unlike what I usually do, I decided to stay in your room and wait for you to come back to me. And you did... you did. Oh, Dean. As I watch you start grumbling and shifting your head, I realize that you are having a nightmare. I push myself a little up on the bed so I would be a little above you. I would be able to cradle you and comfort you better this way. I stayed. That in itself is a sign of growth, isn't it? I had the time to think about us when I was recovering from the gunshot.

It was scary. I am used to being shot at and usually, I would have brushed that off as my punishment for allowing my family to die. For the first time since my family's death, I was aware of my own mortality and of you....I didn't want to die. I didn't want to die because of you. I know the job demands sacrifices and that we are not sure to survive any of our hunts but... I want to grow old with you Dean. I want to be with you until we die of old age. Is this silly to think of it like that? Is it too soon? We've been together for less than a year and we've known each other for more than a year but I know I have found my soul mate in you. I just know. I'll walk the walk with you and I am aware that there would be fucks up. I'll fuck up, you'll fuck up but I accept that. I accept that we'll be pissed off at each other and we'll make up and I'm ready for that. I love you. I am IN love with you Dean Winchester and I'll be damned if I didn't let you know that.

You're more agitated now, and I wrap my arms around your neck and pull you into a hug against my warm and soft chest so you could listen to my heartbeats. I let my fingers stroke your cheeks and my lips plant kisses all over your forehead. You groan painfully and you stiffen against my frame, so I know you're in pain. My eyes shift from left to right as I try to think of a way to soothe you and it naturally comes to me. I start humming a song. It's an Ethiopian song my mother used to sing to me. It says something along the lines of.

« Sleep well, my love. Sleep well. I would take your nightmares away, kiss them goodbye so you can sleep at night. I would keep you against my heart, make you listen to its heartbeat. Sleep well, my love, sleep well. I will sing to you to appease your soul. I will sing to you, to make you feel whole. »

I feel you relax at my words, soothed by the rhythm of my voice and I keep going, my fingers are still running through your hair and massaging your scalp. You are safe with me. You are safe with me, right here, right now and I promise you that I would always make sure you're alright. I have your back, love, I have your back. And I know now, that I don't want anyone but you in my life.