dear depression and anxiety

Dear Anxiety and Depression,

I know now that I can't do without you. You'll always be part of my life. I understand that you will sometimes make me forget you exist, and I will enjoy myself, my life, the very good moments I experience. I understand that you will come back with a vengeance, throwing black ink on the happiest memories I hold, you will fog my thoughts, blind me to the good I could do, could be, could give. I understand I will have moments of doubts, I will freak out, you will twist my reality. I understand that.

I have been battling you for decades now, first without knowing it was you, and only for a couple of years, aware of who and what you are. You're exhausting. If I am being very honest and blunt, you're fucking exhausting and I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel, the way you make me see myself, the way you make me see the world. I hate the thoughts you induce in my mind, and I hate your buddy « Thanatos » as I call him who creeps into my head and whispers to my ear that it would be best if I offed myself.

I never thought I would be able to survive so many years. Hell, I even believed I would be dead by age 24. When I lost my friend, Magz, to Thanatos, a couple of years ago, I wished I could join her so I wouldn't be a waste of space and skin. I wished she was at peace now, far away from the excruciating pain she felt every single day and I wish I could know it, peace...I didn't forget her words, the teachings she left me, the hope she -and my friends- induced in me. They helped me recognize the enemy, seek the help I needed and they saved me for the time being. I'm grateful...so very grateful for this.

Yet, here I am again, with massive changes in my life that make me lose control and throw me in the turmoil of uncertainty. I do very badly with uncertainty and tomorrows I cannot see or think of. So of course, you're flaring off, setting me ablaze, teasing me like there is no tomorrow. I want to ask, can you leave me for a minute? Can you let me enjoy the good I'm going through this year? Is it too much to ask for a minute of peace and calm? I have so much to deal with and I don't know how to face you anymore. I don't know how to handle the day. Step by step seems to be the best way... step by step seems to be the only way.

See, I'm happy right now. Deep down in my bones, I feel it. I am happy with the friends I have, the hubby I have and the many projects I want to realize. I might be frustrated with the job I have, I know there is a way out and I'm actively looking for it. There is no reason for me to feel like it's the end of everything or that I could lose everything because of what I could say, or do... or be. Please, stop making me feel like I don't deserve to be happy. Please don't scare me with losing everything I have been building for years. Please, just stop keeping me awake at night, twisting and twitching on my bed because I'm certain I'm hurting my loved ones and would never be able to make anyone happy. Please, stop making me feel guilty for being alive. I am trying my best to forgive myself for breathing, I'm trying to feel less guilty and there are days I succeed... there are others where I fail and I wonder why I'm still here and why there are people, who love me still...

Can't you see how exhausting you are? Can't you see how awful one's life might be? Can't you see? Can't you see ?..... I'm so tired today. I'm so tired, I need to sleep.