What about tomorrow? I ask in a whisper.
What was it about tomorrow that would make me want to wake up and leave my bed? I am exhausted, my brain is mush, my heart is broken. I am exhausted from having to constantly battle against invisible enemies. I am exhausted and yet I am still moving forward. I guess to my grave.
Life's tough, didn't you know kid? I sometimes remember those words. I do know that life isn't fair. I do know that Life is a struggle. That's how I see it more often than not. Life is an endless pit of despair, a continuous fight we cannot win. We wake up, not knowing if we would make it alive to see another day. We wake up feeling lucky to breathe only to be crushed the very next minute by life. I guess that's how it is.
What about tomorrow? I ask in a whisper.
What was it about tomorrow that keeps me going? I should have ended this masquerade a long time ago. I should have known better than to trust that I would be lucky and would finally turn my life around. I guess that's Hope... I guess that's being optimistic. Whatever I do, however, I feel, there is still Hope creeping its ugly head out inside my heart and making me want to believe that the next day would be different and I would be happy.
It had changed over the years, over the days.. my perception of happiness. There were days when Happiness was sitting in my kitchen, with my favorite dish and my favorite drink, listening to music I loved. There were days when it was just talking to friends and family about sweet nothings...there were days when it was fucking dying. I wanted this guilt I still feel, to be gone, the pain of being alive, of surviving my ordeals, of wasting the air that should have gone to someone who deserved it. I feel like a mistake and sometimes I want to erase myself like you would a mistake.
Truth is... I am here. whether I like it or not and wanting to explore, to discover, to love, to live, to exist drives me still. I have had good times, I have had bad times, I have been surprised in this life and fulfilled at some point so if it had happened once, then why wouldn't it happen again? I'm exhausted... yet hopeful and this Hope is still making me wake up to see another day, work hard to make ends meet, make sure I am still moving. I want to live and for a long time, I didn't know how to do it. I felt that I existed, but never actually lived.. until it hit me. I want to live and this pain I feel inside? this rage overwhelming me? That ache in my heart and the burning feeling in my eyes.. All of this is also a part of my desire to live. I don't want to survive from one day to the other. I don't want to survive and cry myself to sleep every night. I don't want to survive and ask myself "who am I?". I want to live. I want to LIVE.
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