(the walking dead) Life before Z (intro)

(The Walking Dead ) : Life Before Z.

A/N: just trying out a new profile for Asma. This one is similar yet different from the others. She's human, of course, she has a dark past, she has her issues but she's not a bad person. She's a survivor and she is determined to stay alive, even if it means killing people. I retell the day she encountered those she calls Z. (for Zombies obviously) TWD belongs to its owners.  

////////

It was a rainy day, she remembered it perfectly. A rainy day, probably a Tuesday. She was sleeping in her bed, wearing only flannel pants and a white tank top when she heard a hard knock on the front door. Opening one eye, she glanced at the watch by her bedside and groaned loudly as it was only 3 in the morning. Unwilling to stand up and open the door, she put her pillow against her face and tried to ignore the knocks but they became more and more violent, thus forcing her to stand up and walk towards the front door. As she opened it, she didn't even have the time to blink because it opened violently, hitting her in the process and forcing her to take a couple of steps back. As she stroked her cheek, the young woman looked up at the intruder, Sam.

He was the young woman on and off boyfriend. He was a large and towering Irish-American banker with red/orange hair, deep blue eyes, and an obsession with bodybuilding. She furrowed her brows and closed the door behind him as he paced towards the living room. They were in the middle of their break-up and she really didn't want to see his face in her house but since he forced himself in, she decided to roll with it. Sam was not a bad guy, but he definitely was an asshole. Her parents told her to leave the guy because both were co-dependent on each other, hurting the other and yet being in dire need of their presence. She could have severed their linking and ended their relationship but he was temporarily filling the void she had inside. He'd suffered from abandoning himself for his father dumped his family to build a new one somewhere else in the States and both were feeding off the affection they gave each other but it wasn't Love. It was brutal, it was possessive. His strong dominant personality attracted her, she needed to feel roughed up, needed.. oh yes, needed. She needed it and he was giving it to her like a drug. But it wasn't healthy because none of them actually was in love with the other and neither of them could fix the other and yet they believed they could.

« What are you doing around so late? » She groaned while scratching the top of her head. He patted his lap and invited her to sit on it but she shook her head. « No. We're on a break remember? I don't want to see your face, or your dick for a while. » She crossed her arms over her ample chest, furrowing her brows as he kept patting his lap.

« Then grab me a beer. » 

« You haven't answered. Why are you here, fool? »

« You didn't hear the news? People are getting crazy and loot and fight. Police are killing people.. people. We don't know what's going on. I need a beer. »

« Why did you come here? Don't you have your fuckbuddies you could have gone to? » She complained while she went to the kitchen.

She furrowed her brows as she grabbed the bottle and put it on the counter. What was she doing? What was she doing in there, with him? It wasn't the first time he casually came to her place, in spite of her protests, and got away with it. He'd drink, eat, fuck her until he got enough of it and would leave early in the morning for his job. She didn't deserve this, she didn't deserve this lack of respect. Marie was a very nice woman. She was kind and loving; everyone said she was very soft-spoken and that children adored her. Nobody believed she was resilient or even strong. Nobody believed she could teach a lesson or two to men like Sam. She was fragile, yes, but she wasn't made of glass. If anything she was strong and determined to survive. Ever since she was a child, the pink-haired painter was a survivor. Her biological mother, a crack addict, abandoned her when she was 5 because she couldn't support a third child she survived two weeks of starvation, eating from trash cans whenever she could and her luck prevented her from being abused like any child her age would have undergone if it was in her shoes. So why ?.. why couldn't she ditch Sam?

She felt strong brutal hands grab her waist, beneath her shirt, and run up until they reached below her breasts. She gasped and tried to turn around but he leaned into her, forcing her to bend forward over the counter.

« Fuck you! Get off me! I'm not in the mood! »

« C'mon! I know you want me! You've always wanted this dick before, why would you refuse now? »

« I don't want it, Sam. I was fucking sleeping before you crashed at my door! Get OFF ME! » She yelled at him, but he was heavily intoxicated already and she realized that if she didn't do anything, he wouldn't stop at all. Sam was this stubborn. She hated when they fucked while he was in such a state, because he didn't know how to stop, or he refused to do it until he reached his own climax. It always left her bruised and sore but this time, it was different and she could tell by the way he was breathing and the force he used to pin her against the counter. Her breathing quickened and she became as stiff as wood as she was already searching for a way to escape. Her chestnut eyes locked onto the bottle of beer she had in her hand and she quickly smashed it against his face, eliciting a groan from him and giving her enough room to escape from his embrace.

« COME BACK HERE! » He growled but she didn't listen and kept running, but he was faster than her and grabbed her ankle, making her stumble but not fall. She had to straighten again but he slapped her face, hard enough to make her bleed from her mouth and cause her to fall onto the ground. She rolled on her side and crawled to the bedroom where her baseball bat was stored. He started to unbuckle his pants and chuckle darkly. « Ahaha.. you decided to play it rough tonight uh Asma? » She winced, her cheek still burning from the slap he gave her and still crawling towards her bed. « You can't escape from me, babe. I told you, nobody ever says no to Sam. You cut me with that bottle, you're gonna pay! » He dropped his pants, down to his thighs, she could hear it and hastily looked for her baseball bat. Her body was shivering, mostly because of the aftermath of his blow and because she was scared of not finding the bat in time and going through another shitstorm again with him. « Be nice to me Asma. Be nice and I might be gentler. » He sneered while grabbing a fist of her hair and yanking it back, causing pain and her to groan with it but she could grab the bat in time and once she was sure she would not let go of it, the young woman turned around and started to beat him with it.

Smash! Smash! SMASH! SMASH !!  She hit him over and over again. Her blows became stronger and her technique better as she remembered what her father taught her when she was younger. He knew she was a soft soul and he needed her to be able to defend herself if attacked. When she was dating Sam, it felt as if she had forgotten all of her father's teachings until now. Now, the pink-haired lady was just made of rage and was beating him with all the repressed anger and disgust she felt when she looked at him. He started to plead with her to stop because his face was bleeding profusely and bits of his skull were flying over but she didn't stop, she kept hitting, giving back all the pain he gave her when he was hurting her while she didn't ask for it, for the way he disrespected her, for the way he used her but most importantly for having tried to do something she could never forgive. Or maybe it was something else, as she beat him to death, she felt a guilty pleasure overwhelm her, taking control of her very being and leaving her in a very confused state of mind. He'd stopped moving and she started to laugh maniacally before breaking down into an ugly cry. She fell onto her knees and then sat on her heels and stared at the messy horror she'd just made. His lifeless body was lying on the floor and bits of brain and skull were on her bat.

Without thinking twice, she stood up, grabbed a bag threw in the essentials, enough to survive for at least 10 days, and ran outside. Forgot her umbrella but didn't mind the heavy rain that was falling upon her, as if it was cleansing her from the crime she'd just committed. Her panicked mind was still confused between having her laugh or cry so she did both and was holding her head as if it could help her find a solution to the situation. It only was when she was a lot closer to the city center that she noticed something was wrong. People were agitated, they were screaming and looting. She furrowed her brows and decided to seek shelter at a church. She found one that was still inhabited by nuns and hit on their doors, calling them out so one of them could open the door but she heard no noise. Worried and starting to become cold due to the rain, she tried to open the door. Instead of being locked, she could easily break in, which alarmed the young woman who took out her bat and held it firmly in her hands. The church was hushed, a little too much since there were candles lit and it stunk. As she wrinkled her nose, the young woman twirled her wrist and started to speak loud enough to be heard. « Is there someone? Hey? Are there any nuns here? I came here for the night. » But no answer.. just the dark silence.

Asma was starting to breathe more nervously, she didn't want to scare the nuns, let alone be denied shelter but then suddenly she heard a sound. It wasn't human, it was weird. So she said out loud again. « If there's a child here, it's not funny! You can't scare people like that! » She was still exploring the church, walking carefully as if someone could surprise or attack her. Finally, at a corner, she saw what seemed to be a group of nuns busy doing something she couldn't see. They were crouching on top of what seemed to be someone, maybe they were trying to help that person? Well, if they were why there was a munching sound? Her pulse was quickening and the pink-haired beauty started to believe that something was very off and her guts never lied to her. She furrowed her brows and stepped closer « Hi! I'm sorry I don't want to .. WHOAAAAAAA! » They all turned at her with faces eaten by death itself! Asma couldn't believe her eyes. She screamed and started to run, they were following her, quite fast but not enough to catch her.

Panic was starting to take its toll on her, how was she supposed to fight that? Was she hallucinating? Was it God telling her that she shouldn't have been killed earlier? She was terrified and lost track of coherent thoughts; She'd just killed a man and now what looked like zombie nuns were running after her. She could glance back and see the mutilated corpse lying there and realize that they actually were eating the poor thing. Quick! Puke it all! Puke! Her insides were growling and her belly was hurting. She had a bad taste in her mouth and already an urge to puke but was trying to contain herself. Flashes of her previous crime were filling her head and she didn't know what she could do. These creatures were coming closer and sooner or later, they might kill her. She wanted to cry and started to sob, thinking #this is it. I'm going to die there !#

People were still burning the city and looting outside and if she quickly didn't secure the church, she might fall into the worst of mankind very soon. She tightened her grip on her bat and took a deep breath. Panic slowly started to fade away as something else grew stronger inside of her: she needed to survive, whether or not people died on her way. She would also come to her parents, to make sure they were alive, but knowing her father, he would have found a way out to secure her mother. So she really just should get away as fast as possible. As far away as possible from the madness. Determined again, she finally let the herd of nuns come closer and when she swung her bat and crashed it in the face of one of them, literally bursting it into a pulp, she didn't realize that she actually made a step forward in her survival quest.

Welcome to the new world Asma. Stay alive as long as possible. 

asma concept clothes 3

dress 17: her original outfit (with an altered haircut). She is wearing a simple purple underboob top with a similar (low cut), white thigh-length boots, black wristbands and white armbands with golden borders.  it is the very first outfit I created Asma (who was named Alexandra) in :) she later upgraded but I would love to have an episode/plot where she would have to don the old costume.

dress 18: this is a dress inspired by her golden emblem. i'ts a golden dress actually (with slight bits of orange hues in it) a lighter shade on the sides of the dress and a darker shade inside. it's supposed to evoque the shape of her sun with four rays.  and her gloves are white laced :) 

dress 19:  a hip variant of her current costume. she'd wear it with a long long braid and it is a combinaison (a short short one) no sash but she could use it to tie her hair? biker gloves as well (white ones) and white boots.

dress 20: her red dress. this dress is very simple and yet kinda sexy. it's a red skintight dress that covers her front but exposes her back. she wears greek inspired shoes (red as well) and wears her hair short most of the time. on the back of the dress there is a chain and her emblem as a pendant.  Steve is crazy about this dress :) 

Asma concept clothes 2

dress 9: Asma is wearing her hair in a high ponytail, on her neck a golden choker with an included chain and her emblem as a pendant. black wirstband, blue denim bloomrs, black tank top and black boots :) it's her casual look. She could accessoirize with round golden earrings or just leave her ears naked.

dress10: her current superhero costume. Her golden emblem on her chest, the navy blue pieces of armour on her belly, the white/silverish unitard with long-sleeves. the yellow sash and the blue boots with her golden emblem on. On top of her outfit, you have some blue fabric around her turtleneck, her shoulders and a little bit of her arms. normally her hair is wild and exposes her forehead but most of the time she wears it down.

dress 11:It's another royal dress. She would wear it when she goes to Asgard. She wears a simplified golden version of her headset, . the dress itself is red and gold. Around her neck there are golden sequins as well as around her thighs where a x is shaped. around her shoulders (and she's wearing shoulder pads) there are one golden chain. her shoes are red stilettos and she could accessoirize with a red cape.

dress 12: Asgardian Outift: it is the outfit designed by Tony Stark so she could stand the harsh temperatures of Asgard during the AA plot. It is a grey coat with fur on top of it, a white leather-ish bathing suit (with laced arabesques on the bottom ) and leather white boots and white armbands with fur on each ends. she wears golden pearls and a golden buckle around her waist as well as three/four lines or golden pearls around her neck. her hair is usually split in the middle. 

dress 13: her famous white/blue superheroine outfit.  usually wears her hair on the side. It's a white bathing suit with a boob window and blue bits at the bottom. long white thigh-length boots. Yellow sash, black wristbands, white with golden arabesques armbands.

dress 14:  this is an outfit that has been used in alternate versions of her. (ie: DC universe). her costume is made of a purple bathing suit. There is a piece of see-through fabric that goes all the way around her back and connects to the  golden choker around her neck. she wears black wristbands and white bandages around her arms. Her feet are exposed but she wears some kind of leather  purple boots with golden emblem. her hair is wild and usually floating around her head.

dress 15: casual mini-skirt. she doesn't frenquently wears afro, but when she does she usually wears a black bolero and a black mini-skirt. Black ballerinas and a white thin stripped top.  Asma loves mini-skirts but she doesn't wear it as often as she'd like because most of the time she wears her superhero outfit.

dress16:  sexy tux! she never had the possibility to wear this outfit, but she is dying to do so! it's a high-waist white bloomers with a tuxedo-inpired tee-shirt and black shiny shoes with an ankled band.  she wears her hair very short (maybe after she cut them)  it's very sweet and lovely and she would flaunt her perfect figure in these. Or maybe it's just a what if costume :) 

Asma concept clothes 1

dress 7:  This is an outfit I used only once, in an illustration. It could be what she would be wearing in a temple, when she would worship the goddess her mother was. It is a long skirt that begins below her breasts (that are uncovered), a deep purple one with white streaks. she wears a golden and white platinum necklace tand on her shoulders three lines of golden pearls where two light and short pieces of see-through fabric are attached. On her wrist are the bandages made of the same colour of her necklace (white and gold) 

dress 6: it is also a one shot :) some kind of a bal gown. It is a purple fabric with two see-through pieces of fabric that cling  to her body.  on her neck there is a white platinum/gold necklace and an included chain with her emblem (the sun with four rays) as a pendant. her hair is kind of wild and big and her facial markings aren't tatoos but merely just some psychic projections.  it glows at times, when she's experiencing an emotion, just like her eyes.

dress 5: official royal garb. A long-sleeved beige dress with white arabesques (maybe lace or something close to this fabric).; golden paldrons with her emblems on them and some spikes. A brown and golden belt (japanese inspired) with a golden chain attached on it. She wears a silver necklace and earrings. on her forehead there is a three ranks of golden pearls.  her cape is navy blue with grey feathers on. 

dress 4:former Brotherhood of evil mutants outfit. It's white pants, golden sash, deep purple top (with reverse boob window) and gloves and white boots. Her hair is wild, thrown back so it could expose her forehead and  features. she didn't wear it too much since she didn't stay in the brotherhood of evil mutant for that long (2 years only)

dress 8: Official  dinner garb. African inspired. She is wearing an xxxxl  bolero with purple and white arabesques around the wrists and at the borders. She also wears a long sleevless white satin dress with a line of white pearls that is beneath her  breasts and a single long piece of purple fabric with white arabesques on it (mimicking the tip of an arrow. Usually she wears it with three or four white pearl necklace and purple ballerinas. She also wears her hair tied on a bun, sometimes with a purple flower on it. 

dress 2: first praying outfit. This one is more covered than the other one. She's still quite exposed and wears a lot of purple.  she's wearing a light purple top with underboob and a white X on it. Her belt is made of purple fabric with white arabesque. she wears a long skirt with a very long slit on her left side. On her shoulder she's wearing some kind of demi-white with purple borders pancho. On her neck there is a white platinum/gold necklace and purple ballerinas with a slight ancien greek touch. Her hair is her usual stylish way. 

dress 1:  this is the famous white skin-tight dress with an x carved in the middle. She wears a navy blue leatherbolero with her golden emblem used as a button to close and tie it together.  her shoes are high heeled- toes exposed white  knee-length boots. Her emblem is also carved on the side of them. Her hair is natural (nappy) and tied on a bun with just one lock out that falls on her left side.

dress 8: Warrior Queen outfit: basically it's the outfit she's going to wear a lot as a queen. It is made of a single golden paldron on her right side. A bit or scaled armour on her right arm and neck. golden belt and wristbands. there is a navy blue cape and blue boots. she wears a blue/white sleevless unitard. she wears a powerful and scaled headset with her emblem carved on its middle. Her hair is styled with both a huge bun and twists braids. 

journey into cosplaying: part 1 ordering and crafting

So I had a couple of days for me and my friends who are into cosplays as well.  The first  step was the easiest one: ordering items to make my outfit:

thing is, I want to have two outfits: one I would make from scratch and the other I would have crafted by a seamstress :)

First one cost me tons of money (okay, around 80 euros) just because I had so many things to order. I decided to go with a black outfit (let's play safe here) I could use in real life :D

so the body, yoga pants (a little bit looking like spandex), opera gloves, 2 wigs so I could have different styles,  head jewels, and wolverine earrings, as well as an x-men buckle belt, a sash, and a bolero.


The second costume I'll wear would be a blue and white dress I have designed a while ago. I believe it would be the dress I have designed ages ago for Asma to wear. I really liked this and have always wanted to see it worn by me and hopefully by someone else :D I also honestly want to have a great dress I could wear for something special, like a Ball or a wedding or something private between people and me :) or maybe my birthday I don't know.

yes, you can tell I really want to use again my stuff in my daily life. I will order it :) I have to order it.


I decided to craft my own stuff as well;

I did an opera mask inspired by x-force but customized so we could see me better
two X emblems, one gold and black and the other silver and black. one is a buckle belt and the other is a pin's

and then I have crafted Asma's emblem :D

I am super happy with the results :D super proud of myself and of course and hopefully, would show you how it is for real when I'm home.

with love

Kaedegirl

My journey into cosplaying : Prelude

Hi,

I am very moved to write this article and would try to keep my trail of thoughts coherent. I have always been fascinated with the world of cosplay. i have always been impressed with people who were able to to make wonderful cosplays and seemed to have a lot of fun with it. I have always dreamed of cosplaying my favorite character which is Storm from X-men. I never really knew how they made it nor the time really dedicated to a costume but I did know it was time and money consuming.

I couldn't have been more right.

A year ago, a friend told me that I would look great as my character Asma Jensen. I couldn't see myself cosplay my character mostly because I felt very shy. I am very self-conscious about my body. Thing is, I don't care about what people say about me, I had it all already, especially between my 19 and my 23. I was bullied at school, mostly by so-called friends because I wasn't the right size. (I grew bigger because of  some health issues and gave up so much/fast that, junk food became comfort food)  I don't care anymore about what others might say about me, but I do care about how I see myself.

And I don't love myself, inside of and out.

Still, that doesn't change the fact that I am very shy. I wouldn't have imagined myself put on a costume, let alone look confident while wearing my costume because let's face it, Asma is a freaking tank! she is very tall, (at least, taller than me) with LONG shapely toned legs (that I don't have), huge pink mane (that I obviously don't have either), perfect smooth skin (you guessed right), I don't even have her eye colour :p (but hey, I have already written in former stories and old roleplays that sometimes, she uses special lenses/contact to cover up her odd eyes.) and I don't have her smooth uni-color skin tone XD ahahah basically.. I don't look like Asma but I feel like her. It has nothing to do with the fact I am her creator or the fact some people would think she is a self-insert. SHE is NOT.

Asma is the embodiment of hope, the Elder goddess of it to be precise.
She is a woman, a complex one. She can be strong (physically and figuratively), she can be weak at times, she can be fragile, she is dedicated to her job, she is a real badass and a tank. She is someone a lot melancholic and yet she can be like a sun in the life of many. She is my Hope.

She is my baby, my inspiration at times, she is something I am crafting and working on but she ultimately is giving me hope and helps me handle the shit I have to deal with every single freaking day. she is all of that, but she is love.

So here's my point: of course, I would ADORE seeing other people's take on my character no matter who they are (but please, no blackface), I would feel flattered if she could reach out to people and touch their souls, I promise I would work harder on her even more :)

but this is my thing right now, this is really for me. This is about me getting the confidence to love and accept my body the way it is. This is about me trying to see how cosplaying is, this is me trying my hardest to become my own character and have fun while doing it :)

I am not going to become a "cosplayer" per say, this is really just a first attempt. :D if it works, maybe I should go as Storm :D

We don't know, but please, I hope you will bear with me talking to you about my cosplays :)

with love,

Kaedegirl

I love you but I am not brave enough to say it out loud

"I sometimes wish I didn't exist for I would not know the torments of loving you. I sometimes wish you could feel the intensity of that love too. It's never ending... but along with it comes the fear of failing those I love the most, including you, especially you.

I can't stomach to fail you when you most need me. I very often worry if I am enough or if this love is Worth your time and attention. I very often need to be reminded the simplest things... such as what you feel for me. Listen carefully... It's precisely because I am in love with your soul and theirs, with each one of your perfect "imperfect" beings that I am scared the way I am.

What if you wouldn't want to look at me and my scars the way you are doing today. I wouldn't bear it. this is why I tend not to show them to you and handle them on my own in fear of losing you. But you know me well.. you always see when something's wrong.

But I am serious. There are days when it's too much for me to handle, that love I have for you.. the one I have for them because you could walk away in just a blink of an eye and I would be alone. I can deal with being alone. I can deal with solitude. I just can't deal with loss.... I can't deal with losing you. I don't want to. I love you...Yet, I won't even be able to send you this text. See how much of a coward I could be? I'll let it hang there, save it on my phone and look at it when I feel the panic overwhelming me. I love you...I am in love with you. I just wish I was brave enough to say it out loud."