I really tried to write something to empty the overwhelming emotions of tonight. But I can't. I really can't. It's hard to explain this feeling of uselessness, emptiness and the self-hate when seemingly you have everything. You feel even less compelled to talk because you feel you shouldn't say a word since others suffer more than you. it's not a competition, but you often tend to call your issues petty or meaningless in regard of your friends/family/even stranger's suffering. You feel like you're petty when you dare say what's wrong or that you're not okay. I'm not. I know what triggered this is "and I quote myself" very petty. but yes, to deeply love someone who (and I believe it) gets off by manipulating your feelings to stroke his ego is triggering. I might regret this statement tomorrow but I really feel like I'm being mocked and used and played with... while all I gave was genuine feelings that won't quit. It's petty, that I know and I despise myself for feeling so hurt tonight because of this. I'm not the only one to feel this way and I am struggling every day with it. some days, I really feel great and excited but it vanishes quickly. it's like.. nothing is meant to last or it's because you feel you don't deserve it. and it strangles you every day and you don't want to wake up.
but I have been raised by wonderful parents and taught to fight and keep going no matter what. I have been taught to find ways to express myself even when I'm not physically "talking".Roleplay does help, writing or drawing does help but when all is blocked.. (like art block or lack of time) how could I cope with it? Yet tonight, I cannot find a way. It's suffocating and tiresome. I will try to follow advice and focus on what's great about waking up and go to my internship while every step I make I wonder if I'll be able to solve issues and make sure my family is safe 'money-wise' once I'm done with this expensive education. that's the thing, I will and can't give up on anything but everyday feels more and more like a burden to me, like a never-ending hell with small bits of pleasant moments. maybe that's what life is about, maybe not for everyone but just for me.
I am working on my issues though, one at a time and while I did progress on some of them, I still cannot get over a couple of them...to the point I just want everything to end. How many times did I contemplate the knife while I was cooking or the meds while I was sitting on my laptop? I pray every day not to make that mistake because I can't bear the idea of causing so much pain to my family and friends but somedays, it does look like a great idea.. like a way to ease the pain. yeah.. but how sweet would life be for those around me, not to have me anymore? what will it change really?
I am not looking for pity or attention. I just truly need to spit those words and maybe sleep better at night. I am really sorry if sometimes I come off as rude or cold. I do care about you...I do try to move away from my issues to deal with the world, but tonight.. and maybe sometimes.. I simply want to quit... everything.. my body, my mind... everything and rest.
I am sorry if I come up as negative because it's not really what I am looking for. but when I realize that hundreds of unfinished stories deal with death and other macabre topics, that I keep on writing about sacrifice and suicide. I think it's just time to take a step back and admit I'm not doing really well. I'm doing my best not to act ugly and I'm not saying you shall forgive me when I do, but it could happen and I'm sorry for this.
tomorrow I might even forget I posted it. I just know I have to. I just need that little selfish moment where I can't scream out loud like I so badly want to but at least type what's in my soul. it's TMI but you don't even have to read.. you don't have to notice me. I just know this will be off my chest once I post it.
Thank you.
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