He fell out of love
A/N: Bear with me, please. I thought my up phase would last longer but I guess it only lasted a week. I am in a pretty bad phase right now but all I can do and write is what I have in my heart. I can't do more. Please bear with me.
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I watched it at the best seat, no really the best seat.
I watched as he started to grow distant with me and then requested more and more space.
I gave it to him, his space, thinking I might have been asking too much from him.
Yeah, whose fault would it be if it wasn't mine? I clung to him, I needed him too much.
So I gave him space, a lot of it.
I watched it at the best seat, no really, the best seat.
He used to hug me, kiss me goodbye and comfort me when I wasn't alright.
I saw him stop caring too much. He didn't ask anymore how I was feeling.
He didn't want to know. How could I blame him? He's been doing this since the first day.
So, I decided I wouldn't let him know how I felt and keep it to myself.
He didn't have to watch my drama unfold in front of him. He didn't need to worry anymore.
We used to eat together too, but always he would make excuses not to sit with me at the table.
He was avoiding me and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening.
I tried and tried so hard to ignite the fire that linked us together, restore the old flame between us.
I couldn't grab his attention anymore, I couldn't kick start our love again...
So I watched it slowly decay. I watched it die like a nurse at a patient's bed.
He stayed with me because of his sense of duty, he told me later.
He wanted to make sure I didn't break when he would leave, that I would be okay.
That was... that was yet another blow. He pitied me, what else would that be if not pity?
What did that say about me? That I couldn't handle him leaving me? That I was too fragile?
I succeeded in making the man I was in love with, a prisoner of his own relationship. Well done!
My heart ached for him. It bled at night because even when we were sleeping he still was distant.
He still didn't want to hold me, he became a complete stranger with a face I used to know.
I wanted to touch him, kiss him, hug him. I was still burning with desire for him but he had stopped.
He was like a beautiful fruit hanging on a tree that I would never be able to reach anymore.
He was... he was... rejecting me as if I was not desirable anymore to him.
I couldn't blame him though, but, he used to make me feel like the most beautiful woman ever.
He used to make me feel like I was the only one on Earth and now... now I just felt like garbage.
It wasn't his fault, he simply fell out of love with me. It happens you know? It does hurt though
I would never have thought I would have to experience it again, with him, but I was wrong.
Frozen as I was, it took me several months to realize that I was holding him back.
I ate alone, drank alone, slept alone... I still lived with a man whose heart was closed forever to me.
It all ended so brutally, I didn't understand how he could so quickly fall out of love with me.
Yet, when I thought about it, all of them quickly left me after a while, so it must be me. My fault.
I caged him up, the man I was supposed to love the most on Earth. I caged him up.
Freedom is the best gift you can give to someone you love, so I had to give his freedom back.
So I lied.
I had to let him go and he wouldn't go if he wasn't sure I was doing okay. So I decided to pretend I was doing okay. I stopped moping around when he was around. I started to smile more.
I worked really hard to make him feel like I moved on from him so he could go. He bought into it.
So I helped him pack his stuff, kissed him goodbye, wished him good luck, called him a friend.
But when I closed the door and looked at the empty flat I now lived in, it hit me hard, like a truck.
I let him go. It really was over.
I never thought I would have to experience it once again, not with the man I loved this much.
But it became clear that it couldn't have gone another way, it had to end up like this.
He fell out of love with me like so many before him and maybe more after him.
But unlike the others, I noticed it way before it became too critical and I took action.
I tried to save our relationship but it was useless, so I did what I had to do: I let him go.
Alone in that flat, I could finally accept my own feelings, my true emotions.
I didn't have the energy to do more but sit on the floor and contemplate my life.
See, he might have been gone but he loved me the best. He genuinely loved me.
So, in a way, I should feel lucky to have experienced it shouldn't I?
Love is a tiresome game, one I keep promising myself to never play again.
It's a freaking Russian roulette where Pain is the only thing at the end.
I feel like I'd rather take a bullet and end everything, but the beautiful moments hold me back.
I simply laid there, against my front door, wondering what I would do now that it was over.
But all I could think about was that he fell out of love with me
and I didn't... ohno.... I didn't.
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