A/N: Definitely comes from our latest conversation! You were right, he's in a very tight a complicated spot. I think this issue is at the back of his head but doesn't come forward too often. I also addressed the fact he is different from Elpis memories and that might make him « nervous » about seeing her again. I chose to go with a narration that we can't trust regarding his feelings because I assume (and that's my headcanon XD I can be totally wrong) that he's trying to think rationally and give himself reasons to feel a certain way about seeing Elpis again.
xxx
What would Elpis say if she were able to set herself free from Asma? What would she say if she realized that the sin cared for the human more than he even wanted to? She hadn't changed over millennia. Her memories of him were the only version of Pride she knew and the only thing she could hold onto. Her family betrayed her and cursed the deity into a never-ending reincarnation cycle. Everyone forgot about her existence, a world without Hope transformed humans into apathetic creatures who stopped dreaming and worshipped Fate as their one and only god. Gods forgot about her, even the primeval gods who started a war among themselves to punish Ishtar for condemning his sister into an eternity of torment. They fought for a reason they didn't remember, the seven sins forgot as well, which was for the best given how those who were aware of Pride's relationship with Elpis wanted to use her as leverage against Pride. But she breached her seal. They remembered now. He remembered her.
How could he forget after all this time? How could he catch up millennia of lives without her? Too much happened since she was gone and because of the curse, he never « met » her. She never influenced his life. He was forged in the depths of Tartarus, perfected as the ultimate weapon and used as such to slay entire pantheons. Pride wasn't kind. He wasn't loving. He was evil. In his core and his heart, Pride was evil. He had to be any way to slay his father and take his place as ruler of the Underworld. He had to be in order to fight his siblings who tried to overthrow him any chance they got. He had to be, in order to face the enemies of the seven sins and keep his people in check and obedient. He had to be...
But knowing that he could have become more and used to be more overwhelmed him with anger. Losing Elpis was unfair to him, cruel even. He never genuinely smiled, never even compromised with anyone around him and yet he had memories of him smiling when he was with her. He had memories of him building something greater with her. He had memories of him feeling grander than he ever had been. It felt alien to the Sin since he never got to experience it -memories might have been real, but this was a life he never lived, or at least it felt like it.-. It felt.....painful as well. Pride knew that he would never be the same man as he used to be with Elpis. This Pride was dead and gone and as far as he was concerned, this Pride never existed. He could have and it felt as if he was at a better place than Pride actually was in, but this was a life he could never get back.
It felt painful because they robbed him of a future he could have had. The primeval gods deprived Pride of « happiness » as he thought it was. Someone genuinely cared about him, someone trusted him with their life. Someone genuinely loved him and saw more than a weapon or death itself when they looked at him. He could still feel the warm gaze she always set on him, the smiles, the laughter and the softness of her body pressed against his. He remembered her heart racing inside of her ribcage whenever he said her name or stroked her cheek. Pride wasn't like that anymore, the mere thought of touching someone made him shrug and wrinkle his nostrils in disgust. The mere thought of smiling genuinely to another being and being concerned about them was unsettling to him. Love, of all feelings, was seen as a waste of time and energy. But more importantly, he didn't understand it anymore. He didn't feel it anymore. It was gone. Or he kept telling himself so.
So why did he want her back? Was it out of spite? Was it because he wanted to avenge himself from a wrong that was done to him? Was it because he wanted to save her from a destiny worse than death that was inflicted upon her because of « him »? She made a promise she kept. She fought for them for millennia and he found her. Maybe he simply wanted to keep his word. Or maybe it was even more selfish than that. Maybe he wanted to feel the same way he did millennia ago. He wanted to have someone who cared about him and was loyal to him. He wanted someone who loved him the way Elpis did. He did it for himself. Did he know how to set her free? Not yet, but if he did, would he? Pride never answered the question. He never thought about it. Why did he truly want Elpis out? What would he do once she would be free? He wasn't the same anymore but she remembered a version of him that was no more. Shame ? Was it a shame that overwhelmed him or guilt? How could he stand before the goddess who sacrificed so much for them and tell her straight in the eye that he didn't feel the same way anymore and she shouldn't expect him to? He would lie his ass off if given the chance to see her again. He would lie but she would tell. She always knew how to read into him and she would know.
Maybe the problem wasn't that he didn't know what to say to her or how to react. He might be able to lie but he couldn't fake feelings so what would be the point in lying to her? Pride would be honest with her. He would set her free because he gave her his word to find her but he was unable to return her feelings the way he used to because it was robbed from him. He never had a chance to mourn for her or try his best to find her again. He never had the change to live and nurture the relationship they had, the feelings he discovered. It was all gone and never to happen again. At least that was his current mindset, his belief. In this reality where he never met her. Telling her wasn't the issue. Breaking her heart was. The more Pride thought about it, the more he realized he didn't want to make her suffer. It didn't matter that he didn't feel the same way about Elpis, he didn't want her to suffer.
This included his relationship with Asma. She fell asleep on his lap and he decided not to bother the human and remain on his leather chair for the night. He had wrapped his arms around her frame and from time to time planted a kiss on top of her head from time to time. She had a very rough night, filled with nightmares of an unknown future and a potential death. He wouldn't have cared less about her if she wasn't the vessel of Elpis. He wouldn't have acknowledged her existence if he didn't need her. He needed her alive for sure and at the beginning, she simply was a tool for him but he came to know her. It didn't help that she looked exactly like Elpis and acted almost the same. She wasn't a clone per say, but it was the only way he had to be close to Elpis again. Learn as much as possible to maybe be able to return the goddess feelings. Oh, wait... That was an excuse. It was an excuse for the Sin so he wouldn't acknowledge he was actually truly caring about Asma. Yes, Asma! If at the beginning, when they went outside and someone else was trying to flirt with Asma, he saw Elpis and refused to let anyone get any closer to « HIS » beloved. It was a knee-jerk reaction from the sin, an urge to protect what was his and the memories attached to Elpis. Now, it became complicated because it wasn't Elpis he saw whenever someone came too close to Asma. It was Asma herself.
He'd kissed several goddesses and deities over the millennia, from Aphrodite to Lust they all had a taste of him. He'd fucked them too and took all the pleasure he could from these romps. But he didn't care for any of them, not even Lust. He didn't have the lingering urge to kiss them and protect them. He didn't have the need of their company or question whether or not they felt good or safe or if they trusted him still. He never felt shivers go down his spine whenever he looked at them or the urge to smile at them the way he did whenever he looked at Asma and she smiled at him. She made him feel all of this and it was confusing for the sin who thought it was a huge mistake. All of this. Her very existence. It was confusing that she looked like Elpis and was human. It was confusing for him to want to hold her hand when they walked outside or feel smug about her calling him her « boyfriend » even if it was playing pretend.
It was confusing for him to feel jealous over someone else who could potentially take her away from him. It was even more confusing for Pride to try not to make her upset or distressed because of him or even want to lift her mood up so she would still be smiling. He CARED! Yes, he did! Yes, he knew. Even now as she was sleeping on his lap, he was taking care of her. It wasn't because he had to, it was because he wanted to. It felt very similar to his memories with Elpis except it was another woman. Another soul and that didn't look great from his perspective. Asma stormed into his heart and that was something he didn't know how to deal with because now he refused that she died. He refused to sacrifice her life and he refused to hurt her as well. But he wouldn't take the chance to lose Elpis twice. He knew how she would react if she knew about Asma.He was in a tight spot and honestly, one wouldn't blame him for wanting peace. He was too busy fighting his siblings and hers to bother himself with questions he didn't want to answer right now. All he knew for the moment and all that mattered was that he would protect Asma and set Elpis free. He was « fine » with caring about Asma as long as it didn't prevent him from reaching his goal.
She opened her eyes, briefly because she felt him shift and gently cupped his cheek so he could look into her eyes. A soft smile crept on the human lips as she whispered.
« Hey... »
« Hey. » He replied in kind, while she pulled his face towards hers for a brief kiss on his lips. « Ho do you feel? »
« Rested at last. Thank you for watching me. » Her voice sounded tired since she'd just barely escaped from Morpheus embrace. He enjoyed the affection and the quietness of the living room. His trail of thoughts took him through the next day without him even noticing it but it didn't matter because he didn't need to sleep. All that mattered was the sound of her soothing voice, the warmth of her hand and the smile on her lips.
It was all that mattered indeed.
(TBC)
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