OYA AND DEAN : Heartbroken

A/N: Castiel doesn't play around! all usual disclaimer! SPN belongs to its owners and Oya belongs to me

xxx

Oya fell asleep a few minutes after Dean and Sam left. She took her meds and quietly walked back to her bedroom. Truth was, the exchanges she had with Dean since she left him to follow that lead had not been pleasant. She had no idea of where they stood at except that he did care enough for her to stay nearby. He allowed her to be in the bunker, allowed her to recover inside safe walls. He allowed her presence around him but put a distance between the two of them. Understandable. She couldn't blame him for it but it sure didn't feel great to be the bad guy. She cursed under her breath for having held his hand and for the kiss she forced on him in a moment of panic. It was an impulsive move, one that came from her daydream about the moment of passion they shared during their hunt.

He didn't seem like his usual self. He could try to fool her all he wanted, Oya was cunning and she knew something was off. He didn't eat his food, skipped eating bacon -Dean, not eating bacon? very unlikely.-, looked like he received a severe beatdown and was at the end of his life. It scared Oya from the moment he came back and it didn't sit well with her. She was scared. From the outside, the African beauty might have looked like a looney, but she trusted her instincts. She was right about Dean. But more than that she was worried. The mere idea of losing him was driving her crazy but she couldn't process it just yet. She knew the hunter was a hothead and most likely would run towards danger if given the opportunity. She had the time to observe him and could recognize the common traits of someone who blamed themselves for all the evil in the world. He was carrying the world on his shoulder, the pain of the deaths surrounding him, the pain of being left alone and she.....obviously ripped open the wound. She drove him away and because of that, he would throw himself towards danger like he always did.

« You have to wake up Oya. It's time for your meds. » Castiel's voice pierced the silence. It was monotonous as usual but loud enough for her to actually open her eyes.

« Castiel.... You came. » Her voice was cold to the angel. He always welcomed her cold attitude with the classic stoic attitude he always displayed.

« Dean asked me to. »

« Yeah...I know. » She painfully sat on the bed and leaned against the headset. Castiel handed her the pills and a glass of water she chugged down swiftly.

It was stiff, it was uncomfortable between the two of them and Castiel never really asked her why she was so pissed off by his mere presence. He never did anything to her, they barely spoke but anytime he did open his mouth, the African hunter always rolled her eyes at the back of her eyesockets or grunted or came up with a snarky remark. She hated him, or so he thought but he didn't care much about her, he didn't care much about what the world thought of him unless the opinion came from people he truly valued like the Winchesters or his fellow angels. Castiel sat on a chair near the bed and stared at her blankly, which unsettled the hunter who looked away from him, at the window and the pitch black of the night. The brothers possibly have not arrived just yet, which was a temporary relief for the woman. Castiel didn't care much about her being cold to him because usually it only stopped at banter. She never attacked him physically or tried harder in her attempts at bickering. This time seemed to be the same so he shrugged it off.

Her mind was wandering off, towards Dean and the desire she felt for him. The shivers his touch sent to her spine, the goosebumps on her skin were evidence of her affection for the man. She craved these, she craved his lips on her skin, his arms around her waist and his voice in her ear cracking up jokes to make her laugh. She dreamed of her wearing his red tiled shirt and straddle him on a bed with a beer in their hands. She dreamed about an intimacy she lost when her fiancé died by her hands. And that was confusing the hell out of her. That was scaring her. It was silly but it exactly was the very same she had with Sam except for the sexual attraction and Sam was a friend. He was a friend right? So Dean was a friend with benefits.. so why feeling irrational about losing him? Her hands starting to move as anxiety overwhelmed her. Oya clenched and unclenched her fists as she tried to calm herself down to no use. Wendigos weren't easy enemies, quite the opposite and Dean looked like Death when she saw him that morning. Why did he go? Her legs shook but she tried to keep her mind focused on something else and glanced at the angel who was minding his own business ;

« We had sex. » It came out wrong, it came out too fast and it made her groan and blush. Castiel lifted a brow in genuine confusion but didn't ask about it. « Dean and I... We had sex that other day during our hunt. » She repeated, mostly talking to herself now. Her heart was racing and she held tight onto the sheets.

« I.. don't care? » He began with, eyeing the mortal in sheer incomprehension. « Why do you tell m-- »

« We had sex and it was.... mind-blowing and I didn't expect it to happen you know? »  She sounded excited as if she had discovered fire or something. He didn't really understand why she was telling him all of this or why, but he could feel a small relief from her which changed from the cold she welcomed him with. Besides.. Dean had sex with her? Castiel wasn't the type of being who would enjoy chatting about anyone's sexual life. Although he had a taste of it when he briefly was human, that didn't mean he would want to gossip about it, especially not when it was about the Winchesters. It still was quite the surprise given the loud and brash personality of this lady here. Castiel didn't think they would ever but it did happen.

« ….Okay? »

« No, you don't get it Castiel. It was warm, it was.... it felt like home. We didn't make love, I'd know if I was making love but it sure felt like it. We argued. »

« First, I don't need details. Then, you always argue with people. You argue with me constantly Oya. » He tried to stop her from talking by pointing the obvious but she shook her head and kept talking.

« I don't care! You don't get it! You don't get it... after all these years I thought it would never be possible...to feel this close to someone. I let him see me. I let him hear me. I let him touch me in ways nobody had in the past...I looked him in the eyes while I always made sure I didn't even put a face or a name on people I fucked before. I.. said his name Castiel. » She blushed harder and pressed her lips against her forefinger as she started to think.

« What do you want me to say? » He looked at her unsure of how to interpret her babbles. He wasn't her best friend, didn't want any detail, didn't even want to enter this conversation. All of it made him shrug. « Oya, listen. »

She wasn't listening, she wouldn't listen because she realized that the way she cared about Dean was a lot more complex than she first expected. Her heart was racing against her ribcage and she shook her head. No ! Oya didn't want to care about Dean that much. He couldn't come close to her heart, no one could. Those she cared about always died, like her mom who was killed by her possessed brother. Like her dead who was killed by cancer because he lost a son to a demon, he didn't notice. Like her fiance, she had to kill because he was possessed by a demon because he went on a hunt without her. Dean.. Dean was now rushing towards his death because of her. Because she betrayed him and he hunted alone.. because she hurt him and he didn't want to stay in the same place as her. Her eyes grew wide and she shook her head. Her fingers went through her black locks and she groaned loudly. Castiel straightened on his seat. What was wrong with Oya? She was a bit hard to follow and it might have a lot to do with him being unwilling to really getting to know her since she was so venomous whenever they talked together. But he wasn't heartless and he wasn't an ass so of course, he tried to know what was wrong.

« What's wrong Oya? »

« you have to help him Castiel! You have to go help him fight those Wendigos! »

« What are you talking about?  He has fought them before and he can handle them. » His tone was trying to remain his usual monotonous self but she was growing even more worried now.

« You haven't seen him Castiel! He looked like Death. Ever since he went to fight the witch on his own he came back wrong. He didn't eat his bacon this morning, he looked sick.. he.. he.. we argued... »

« Arguing is your second nature. How could that be unusual ?» He stood up and came close to her frame. It was a shot fired at her

« I swear on my life if something happens to him and you didn't go and help, I will kill you! »

« Stop! » He said firmly but Oya was worried and blinded by her fear, she refused to calm down. She pushed aside the sheets and put her feet on the floor. « Calm down, » he commanded, exasperated by her defiant attitude. « Right now! »

«NO !!! » She yelled at him, visibly furious that he didn't want to do as she requested. «  You don't get to tell me to calm down Angel! » It was his cue that she wasn't ready to listen to him. « I'm telling you that Dean is in danger and you are NOT listening! You are NEVER listening, you angels! You come around feeling haughty and powerful because you have a nice pair of wings and some white light but you are fucking poison! You're unable to manage your bloody place so monsters can sneak out like those Leviathans did or whatever it is you're hiding there! You look at us with disdain because we are so small! And we are here, left to suffer from not even some hope in our hearts! You're not listening! Is God even listening when we pray to him? » She forced herself back onto her feet, opening her wound in the process but she was angry and desperate because of Dean's situation. Castiel stiffened when she mentioned God but he still took a few steps forward so she would back down and sit on the bed, which she didn't.

«You are so full of yourself Oya. Look at you, playing the righteous hunter who gets to tell others what to do and what to say. You weren't there! You do not know of the sacrifices we all made! I lost several brothers and sisters because of Lucifer, because of Metatron, because of the Leviathans and all of the bloody creatures that roam the Earth. I experienced pain too and at a level, you can't even comprehend. You don't get to tell me who I am because you don't know me. Now I could care less about your opinion or even your presence but Dean asked me to keep an eye on you and that's what I'm going to do. I would not let your fears make me break a promise I made to him. » he pointed out, ignoring her question about God. He didn't want to think about their latest adventures, the Darkness and the near-end of the world. He didn't want to talk about how traumatic the whole event was.

« I don't care about you either ! You're a self-entitled asshole who goes around crying because you couldn't handle the power of God. Of course, you couldn't! look who's not going to help his friend while he can do something about it! » She spat at him, furious that he actually had a point in this heated argument. She clearly saw she hurt him

« I might be, but you're trying to boss people around like you own them. You are a suffocating self-absorbed bitch Oya. This is who you are. You're the one who broke your relationship with Dean, not me! I am not going to run around and fix your mess! You should work on it alone! » He spat back and it burned her hard. He didn't need to add anything to this burn because it was true. She invaded the Winchesters life and was trying to make it cozy for her. It might not have been true but she perceived herself this very way as he spoke, her anxiety only increasing by the seconds. Her fists clenched and unclenched at a steady pace despite them becoming stiff like wooden sticks. Her breathing became more labored and her eyes were filled with unshed tears.

« You are even worse than I thought you'd be. You're the one talking about me bossing around people and suffocating them when you're not even able to fucking speak your damn mind! I do, I make mistakes, I try to fix them and show it, but you're emotionally frigid! That's what you are and that's why you'll always be a pathetic and lonely loser !! shunned from your people forever » At this point, she wasn't even thinking anymore, she wanted to hurt him. She wanted him to feel her pain and coupled with her incoming panic attack, she was worse than usual, slamming the angel with all of her might. She wasn't saying the truth, or maybe a tiny bit of it, but Castiel wasn't lying though and maybe that was what hurt her the most.

« Ah! This is old news Oya, maybe you'll need something fresh and I'll deliver. Newsflash, you ruined your relationship with Dean when you ran away. Yes, you betrayed him and how is that? You didn't think about him when you took off. You are the reason for your own mess and there is no turning back. He's never going to trust you again, he's never going to open up to you again, he's never going to give you his heart! Do you think I hadn't noticed? You trying to pretend you're not falling for Dean? I stop you right here, don't. He won't give you. He never did before and never will. Give up that silly dream of yours and return to reality. You're suffocating him, that's what you're doing. You're not trusting him, you're entrapping him in a relationship he never wanted and never would. So I might be constipated emotionally, at least I do have a family. Sam and Dean are my family but you don't get to call them yours yet. »

It snapped inside of her. Oya was genuinely terrified about losing Dean and what he might represent to her. He was a chance at a new life with people she cared about. A family she could share her life with. Sam her and Dean would go hunting, they would drink beer. They would save the world and she would be with Dean.. as in.. she would have sex with him. She would make love to him. Flashes of his warm lips against her neck, of his forehead against her, of his hand into her hair or his body sleeping next to her in a spooning position. She coughed and shook her head. Castiel sucker punched her and she did have that panic attack. His words were a bitchslap to her and she realized that he was right. She wanted to say something but the words died at the back of her throat. Instead, she stood up and started to walk towards the dresser so she could pack. She wouldn't leave yet, maybe when she would recover, if she ever did. He was right, she shouldn't be around, she shouldn't...

« What are you doing? » He asked before she looked up to his face barely containing herself.

« Packing.. preparing my stuff. I'll be gone as soon as I have healed. » Her voice was broken, her heart was I shambles. Why was it hurting so bad? Oya didn't know. Castiel was defending himself and maybe was he driven by the need to snap back at her but he still did say the truth. She was a foreigner. She kept spending her time screaming at Dean or worrying over him. She broke his trust and now was convinced she would never get it back. He noticed she was shaking and decided to walk towards her and stop her from packing.

« I stepped out of line. » She looked at her back and sat on her heels. Her stomach was hurting but the wound didn't open itself which was a good sign.

« I did. And you were right.. all the way. » She grabbed a pair of boots and stuffed it in the bag. « I don't get to call them a family when the first thing I do is break the trust between Dean and me. I don't get to call them a family when my confused heart wants... we don't care about it. »

« He'll come around.  He always does for people he cares about. »

« He shouldn't.... You were right about something earlier. I am scared. I am scared about him dying Castiel. Everyone around me dies... my brother was possessed by a demon because we argued and he wanted to prove me wrong. He killed our mother. She died thinking her son wanted to kill her when in fact he died when the demon possessed him. She died because of me! Our father got cancer. He never could forgive himself for not having seen Kalusha was possessed.. for not saving mom.. for letting me down. I.. I... he died because of me. » She was sobbing uncontrollably. « My.. fiance. I thought I had earned myself some happiness you know? Someone who cared about me, who was okay with my job being this risky because he was a hunter too. Went on a hunt without me and came back possessed. I … /I/ had to endure him insulting me, saying hateful shit to my face.. /I/ had to kill him with my bare hands. I did it Castiel...So..Dean, maybe it's best if he never wants to see me again because I deserve it. » She started to bawl her eyes out « But please. please.. make sure he is okay. I don't care if he hates me. I don't care if I don't belong here.I just want him to be okay. » Castiel looked at her and didn't know how to comfort her. He put his hand on her shoulder.

« He's not going to die. I am very sure about it. You don't have to pack right now.  Get some sleep Oya. »

She nodded silently and cleaned her face with the back of her hand. Maybe it was a mistake to spend some time with Dean. She wanted Sam and him to be happy and live a little more like they deserved to. She wanted them to know peace, see the job from a different angle.. but they were too different. Her stomach was upset, she wanted to throw up but Castiel would have sworn he heard her heartbreak when he uttered those words he couldn' take back.

« I'm sorry Castiel. I wasn't mad at you, I was mad at angels in general. I was mean, horrible really... I'd understand if you don't want to see my face. » But before he could answer anything, she passed out from the pain she ignored for too long.

(TBC)