TVD: I want to live

Dear Diary,

I never thought I could start over again. My memories were stuck 800 years ago where the only thing my people could call a life was breathing. I never ceased to look past my shoulder anxiously expecting my past to catch me back. It never did, at least, not yet.

I spent centuries locked up in my ivory tower, looking at life slipping through my fingers as I cursed my curse. They punished me for helping the one who rescued me so many years ago and banished me from my coven for showing mercy and having a heart. How could you recover from this?

Funny isn't it, that the best advice I received came from the only friend I had. When I finally confronted him about our relationship only existing when he needed me and he advised me to go and see the world. The sound advice he gave me, I met Willa. A sweet girl with a mystery cloud above her head.She had the warmest smiles of all, I remember how captivating talking to her was, even if we only were talking about sweet nothings. It was the first real attempt at befriending someone I had. I also met several people at my shop, a young witch named Bonnie, her best friend Elena and the two infamous Salvatore Brothers. One, in particular, struck me: Damon.

We just had a drink, or more precisely, he drank and I sat in front of him. I felt his thirst but more importantly, I felt his pain. I don't know why I felt attracted to him, not the way you think. I mean, I don't think it was the tingle of desire. It couldn't be so soon after Elijah rejected me anyway, despite Damon having the best and brightest blue eyes I've ever seen. I would concede this. I wanted to soothe him. That's why I am. I try to fix people, soothe their pain, that's what I'm here for. That's the basis of my relationship with Elijah too. Well, okay it's more complicated than that with Elijah...

I read the books, that sometimes you are so deep in denial that you would try to fix on others what you should be fixing about you. I hurt. I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm alone. I'm a mess that's for sure. I'm pessimistic about humanity, I don't trust vampires or werewolves except for Elijah and only because I owe him my life. I don't....live.

I survive. I've been surviving those past centuries but I want more than that. I saw Damon's pain on that night and Willa's too. I want to help them feel better. I want to mend their broken hearts. I want to fix them because I can't fix myself but I want to help.

I want to live.