Doya:
Thinking of you
A/N:
Just been thinking of Doya. First-person for a change.
XXXX
“Hey
Dean..”
My
voice tore apart the silence that had settled in Baby. I am leaning
against the door, with the window down so my heavy black locks could
freely whip the hair as you drive. My gaze is set up on you. Your
emerald eyes are focused on the road, but your shoulders are relaxed.
One hand is holding the wheel while the other is mind-absently
stroking my thigh. You turn to glance at me before a grin creeps on
your lips. I know it's coming, the clever come-back, and I am waiting
quietly. Before I spoke, my thoughts had been focused on my family.
Just a moment ago, we've been at a motel where a family of 4 were
taking breakfast at the motel's “restaurant”. 4.. just like my
own family and just like yours. We didn't say anything, but seeing
them had me thinking.
It's
been a few years now since my family was slaughtered by grief and
monsters. I carry the guilt of their deaths on my shoulders. I carry
the pain from my loss in my heart and there are days that are harder
than others. For example birthdays, family holidays, they all turned sour for me and I try my best to avoid these days.. or work a
case if I'm lucky. It helps when you're focused on saving lives
rather than on your own miserable past. Shit, we've been through a
lot, haven't we? I learned to live with it, with the heartbreaking
desire to see them again and the selfish need for a hug. Did you know
we used to hug each other before and after each case we worked on? We
were so close.. and yet, and yet I have forgotten the sound of their
voices. I have forgotten their scent. I have forgotten a lot of
details but not the endless love I have for them. I remember how
guilty I felt when it first happened.. when it was my father's voice
I couldn't recall...I remember you were there, by my side and you
comforted me in a way only you can.
“What's
up, Oya?” -You finally reply to me.-
As
I lean further into my seat, I give you a soft smile. I feel my heart
soar in my chest, beating harder against the ribcage. I simply put my
hand above the one on my thigh and stroke the skin of the back of
your hand, silently letting you know that I am here with you, living the
moment. I have been thinking a lot lately, as you can see. I have
been thinking of what I wanted my family to know if they could hear
me speak out loud. I wanted them to realize that I was safe, in a new
family who loved me. I wanted them to know that they didn't have to
worry about me because I wasn't alone. I never was, even when I was
hunting on my own. I had a place to return to, someone to return to.
someone who loved me too. I was content with my life, the dangerous
and miserable hunter's life but the duty of those like us who could
see past the glamour of the beasts. We saved people together and I
wanted my family to know that I had found my home. I wanted you to
know that I had found my home in you. So I decide to answer you.
“It's
mom's birthday today.”
“Is
it?” instantly, your tone shifts and you become concerned and
serious once again. I sigh and stroke your hand some more. “Are you
okay?”
“Yeah....I'm
okay. Today, of all days, I am okay.” -You nod and look back at the
road.- “I spoke to her.. through a little prayer if you will.”
“You
pray?” -There you go, teasing me a little so you could defuse the
tension that had settled in the car. I gently poke your arm and
shake my head,-
“You
know I don't pray, dickhead. I just.. wanted to speak to her, tell
her I'm okay. Tell her I'm happy.” I insist on the last word, my
fingers finally entwining with yours. You let me do, eyes still on
the road but I can see your jaw clenching.
“Are
you...happy?” -The words escape your lips at a painfully slow pace
but you finally say them. You finally ask me if I'm happy with you.
So I grab your hand and take it to my lips so I can press them
against your skin.
“I
am happy with you.” -I start with.- “I told mom not to worry
about her baby girl because she found her new family. I told her that
you made me smile and I knew that would make her frown and then laugh
out loud. I wasn't the type to smile, even before all those
tragedies.” -I confess with an embarrassed chuckle before I sigh
deeply. You ponder my words, so I take advantage of and keep talking. “I
told her that I made plans.. actual plans with you. I'm not just
talking about cases....I'm not just talking about settling in the
bunker..I'm talking about...living forever with you. Facing
everything together.”
I
hold your hand tighter. I smile and look away, this time turning my
body so I could press it against the door and avoid eye contact with
you. My cheeks are burning since I am blushing and you can feel it,
you can see it on me. I always have a crooked smile and I look down
whenever I'm embarrassed. I can see you hold my hand tighter,
entwining your fingers with mine in a loving embrace. You're here
with me, at this moment and I know that you heard me well.
“What
do you want me to say, Oya?”
“N--”
“What
do you want me to say except that, long before we met, I wasn't
really lucky? I always had to give up part of who I was, to have half
the happiness I had. I thought that maybe the apple pie life wasn't
for me. You said it yourself, the hunter's life is a miserable life,
we lose everything we hold dear and for a while, I didn't want to
face it with you.” -I swallowed hard and slowly turn to look at
you.-
You're
staring at me, eyes bright and wet from emotion. Of course, you
wouldn't want that. Who would want to risk losing their minds and
hearts? I know how it is. I had the same doubts, the same issues too.
Why would I allow myself to fall in love with you and take the risk
to suffer because you'd die? Why do you think I'm plagued with
nightmares about your death? I wouldn't survive you if you left
before me... how could I? When you're my one true love?
“But
you did.” I point out as softly as possible. I feel honored you
chose me, despite the odds against us. I feel honored you went
through with it.
“But
I did and I don't regret it. Am I scared? Fuck yes, I am. I'm scared
that something happens to you and it did... it did and I didn't know
what to do. I wanted to kill whatever nearly killed you.” -You
growl and then bring my hand to your lips so you could kiss the back
of my hand. “I let you in and I don't regret it, O. I don't. I
won't. You bring me ugly aprons, you text me often, you care for me,
you love Sammy and Cas...you let me show off in the kitchen and you
bring me guns and blades from the finest blacksmiths you know. You
care if I'm injured if I'm sad if I'm happy and I'm not even
talking about how sexy you are. I didn't expect you, but I am happy
you're here.”
And
you clear your throat and put some radio on as if you've mic dropped me. I am left speechless and I just look at you as you keep driving
us away. I tuck some hair behind my ear and simply lean back onto the
chair. If mom could hear us -and I chose to believe she did-, she
would see why I said I plan to live my whole life with you. She would
see the love that was raging in my hazel eyes and the joy that was
overflowing my heart. She would see...
“Hey
Dean...” I say again. You shrug your shoulders to let me know
you're listening.”I feel the same way for you and mom knows that.
Mom knows that... that's why I'm okay today, of all days..”
-TBC-
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