COPG: lovely october

Elpis had spent the last couple of days lost into the memories shared with the departed. Her beloved siblings who were mercilessly killed by their own sister, Ayasha the goddess of knowledge. This was war. the pure essence of it where the ones who stood could be the ones who laid on the floor, the very next day. It had to happen, it was to be expected from her sister, who was so thirsty for power that she didn't think of the impact all and any of her actions might have.

Khrön and Sitäa were more than siblings. They were her first supporters. From the day she started to breathe to the moment she fell in love with Pride. -the old version-. Both of them had tried to make her happy and allowed her to leave the Eternal Pantheon and visit Earth, even when her siblings were looking. They sacrificed their lives to ensure her safety, at least, until Pride broke her curse and took her divine body down to the Underworld. They protected her.

And still, to this day, Elpis remembered their screams of agony. She could still feel the way their souls got consumed as they were thrown into oblivion. She could still feel the shivers and despair she felt when they died. Taken away by her very enemy. The thought enraged the goddess, it made her blood boil, it made her insides churn... it brought tears to her eyes, horrendous tears that creased her perfect face with black ink...Elpis was enraged and she needed to bathe on Ayasha's body as soon as possible. revenge demanded it. her soul demanded it.

xxx

The Superbia she used to know was no more. The king is dead, long live the king! no, wait. He didn't die as a king. He died as Hades' plaything. As soon as Hades heard about Elpis. However, he was reborn as a king. Could we even say that being remade was the best thing to ever happen to the sin? Probably...

Elpis realized that the life she led before was partly a lie. one that was fed to her, where it was convenient for her siblings and parents to keep her under neat wraps and make sure she would never reach her true potential. It also was a lie she told herself, about Superbia being in love with her, for she desperately needed to be loved. to have someone who saw her for who she was and still loved her nonetheless. Pride did notice something inside the goddess, the growing darkness within her, the raw power she wasn't aware of. he saw what she could become and who she really was but she wasn't aware of this... no, she had to be tested first, pushed beyond reason... betrayed and cursed to finally have her potential revealed. He set her free, but the goddess he freed wasn't the little girl she used to be before. she was a woman, an empress, his future queen.

Well, the future queen. it was to be earned, she had to work for the title and despite the rocky beginning, she enjoyed the challenge. her love for Pride, that old fuel that allowed for the goddess to survive 2000 years locked in human vessels had run out. something new was born, something fresh and true. something for the creature before, the one known as Pride. And if asked why, she would simply reply "he was all seven of the deadly sins".....

GOT fucking fate

She imagined their reunion, once, twice, several times a day. She dreaded the moment she would face Jaime Lannister. What would he say? how would he welcome her? would he ever forgive her for the decisions taken by her sister? would he make her pay for something she had no control over? her heart always beat hard, it pounded against her ribcage as if it was trying to set free. Bäahal wanted to see him.

He was the reason she left King's landing after all. the hidden meaning of her departure. while she did need to run away from the political tapestry she didn't feel she belonged to, she also needed to find him. Find him... comfort him. but how could he react upon seeing her? how could he react? She expected rejection and frankly wasn't really sure she was ready to face him again.

That would be a fight, she was certain of it, but a fight between a broken heart and a heart in shambles. the fight between someone who lost everything, including himself and someone who was looking for herself. Maybe that was Fate...Fucking Fate.

COPG: Illusions

The goddess of knowledge laid on her back, the golden locks of her perfect face crowned her head and her emerald eyes stared at the ceiling of her bedroom. Ever since the sin broke her sister's curse and set the goddess free, Ayasha had been restless. She knew Elpis and part of her was terrified of the outcome of such a rage if let loose. Elpis destroyed a full and powerful pantheon in a moment of rage, precipitating the end of the attached civilization. She was capable of feats and wonders no one actually was aware of but Ayasha was no fool. She knew that her sister would come back and destroy what was left of their family. Well, was she fair?

Ayasha couldn't find sleep at night. She dreaded the return of her sister and hallucinated her some times. Elpis had a thousand ways to enter this room but Ayasha always imagined her walk into her bedroom with a stone-cold face. She would have been wearing an elegant white gown similar to the ones she used to wear before. Ayasha saw the pink locks float around her sister as if they were animated by their own will and it made the goddess of knowledge sitting on the bed. She brought her legs up to her face and wrapped her arms around her knees in a defensive mode.

« Why are you here? » -Her voice shook and she tried to swallow a lump.-

« Why am I here? Listen to yourself, Ayasha, you are ridiculous. »

'Elpis' walked towards the bed and stopped a few inches away from it. She was small and yet she felt bigger than Ayasha remembered.

«Ridiculous? You were supposed to be dead. You were supposed to be cursed for all eternity. You weren't supposed to be free. »

« Aaawww Is that doubt I see on your face? » She teased, her hands gracefully were placed on her waist as she tilted her head tot he side and curled her lips into a mocking grin.

« I have no doubt! I know exactly what I have to do. » She spat at the hallucination. She curled her fingers into fists and furrowed her blonde brows. « Everything was perfect. My plan was perfect. I had you out of the way, cursed or dead it didn't matter to me because you were supposed to remain locked away for all eternity. I had killed your supporters, I had taken away anyone who could have wanted to set you free. »

The hallucination chuckled and shook her head. Ayasha knew very well that the sight she had before he was a figment of her imagination, A test of some sort. She tucked some blonde hair behind her ear and shook her head.

« You still can't handle the fact I am free, now can you? » She grinned widely and walked closer to the blonde goddess who recoiled at the end of the bed and his her back against the wall. « You can't handle the fact that your plan wasn't perfect, that you didn't take everything into consideration. The love Ishtar had for me... the desire to see me again, that would animate Pride. The fact that I left a deeper impact on others than you thought I did. »

« You are nothing! You are nothing Elpis but a child! You knew nothing. You still know nothing. »

Ayasha hated to sound of the hallucination, the nasty words that came out of her lips were echoes of her own thoughts. Yes, how could she plan something and not take into consideration the fact Ishtar could never be able to kill the one he was in love with? Her plan was flawed from the beginning and while it could make it difficult for her to ensure her victory, Ayasha still was resourceful and would find a way to triumph. Her goal was neat and clean and simple, she wanted to rule the whole galaxy. She wanted to prove that knowledge was far stronger than brute strength or an insane amount of power like her siblings had. Knowledge was power and her hallucinations were simply her doubts manifesting into the people she hated the most. Elpis smirked and crossed her legs as she sat on the bed.

« Riddle me this, Ayasha. If I know nothing, if I am nothing, how come you are still scared of me? » She lifted her head and grinned as Pride's silhouette appeared beside her. His hand wrapped around her shoulder and he squeezed quietly.

« I am not scared of you. » -Pride hues turned purple and Ayasha swallowed a hard lump.-

« You are trembling because you know of his power. You've done your research, you know how powerful he is and how he treats those who angers him. »

« I am not afraid of him. » -She asserted with a frown on her face.-

« Then you are afraid of me. It makes sense. You have never truly seen what I was capable of, you don't know how far I can go and you fear my wrath. »

She crawled onto the bed, and stopped a few inches away from Ayasha who let a scream out of her thin lips. It was worse because it was true. She did not know what Elpis was capable of, and the fact to be left in the unknown was eating the goddess away. It was driving her crazy with fear and anticipation. Pride, in himself, wasn't that difficult to understand. He was meant to destroy, he was meant to be a nefarious solution to the problem gods were.... but what of a vengeful goddess ?? what about the one who destroyed a full pantheon -all-father and all- out of anger?-, what could she do to a sister who betrayed her, killed their beloved father, cursed her for eternity and killed the only siblings who loved her ? The pink-haired goddess would definitely want to make an example of her and it was that fear that kept Ayasha from sleeping at night.

« I will destroy you, Elpis... I will destroy you, I swear. »

« I'll wait for you to come and get me....Until then, you're the one who's having nightmares, not me. Not me... »She vanished alongside with her sin.

Alone, the golden goddess sighed and ran her hands through her golden lock. She ran both hands into her hair and started to curl into a ball. Hallucination or not, deep down, the goddess of knowledge was scared. She realized that her plan had already been thwarted once and could go sideways if she didn't pay attention. She was the goddess of knowledge, she was to rule the universe. She was to win.... she had to keep her mind focused on her goal. She had to. She would.

-TBC-

Doya : I can't do this without you.

Doya : I can't do this without you.

A/N : our babies. I'm taking them to the place where the second plot is happening. So we're slowly getting there. <3

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

«Oya? »

Dean called out as he opened the door to the motel room they were renting. They arrived late at night,  so the only thing they could do was grab as much sleep as they could before investigating the Thomas' case. Oya dreaded the visit to the hospital. She knew Joshua's life was in danger and he probably might die in the following days. Sarah would be there, waiting, anxious, and probably torn between the joy to see Oya and the fear of losing her brother.

«Oya? » -Dean called again, this time in a more insisting tone. She wasn't in the bedroom and there was no sound in the bathroom. He walked closer to the bathroom after he put their burgers on the bed they shared and drew his angel blade out. « Oya, answer me. » He commanded this time as he reached the bathroom's door.

« I'm here. » She let out an exhausted voice. « Come in. » She invited him over. Dean sighed in relief and entered the bathroom. Oya had already taken her shower, her skin had not dried yet, so droplets of warm water were running over her smooth cocoa skin. Her hair was wet and stuck to her face, neck and shoulder blades. She was staring at her own reflection on the mirror. Her lips were trembling, her fingers were clenched onto the sink and she shut her eyes tight as Winchester opened the door.

« You scared me. » He acknowledged. « I thought you were gone. »

« I'm many things, Dean Winchester, but I wouldn't leave you alone. » She said, slowly opening her hazel eyes again and staring at her own reflection.

« How long have you been staring at yourself? » He asked, as he came behind her and stroked her shoulders. The petite ebony hunter shrugged and leaned into his touch.

« Long enough...Long enough to... » She bit her bottom lip and dropped her head. «...Think. Long enough to think. I am not sure I will have enough strength to see Joshua and face Sarah. »

« I know. That's why I'm here. » Dean said, planting a kiss at the top of her head. « So you won't be doing that alone. »

« They need me. They need me to be stronger than I actually feel. Sarah needs me to walk in, be confident in my ability to find what happened and punish who did this. She needs me to stay strong while she breaks down. I will never be able to... » She sobbed and whipped the tears off of her face with the back of her hand. « I can't.....go to the hospital tomorrow. » She said, shaking her head at her own words.

« Yes you can. Yes, you will. Oya, you are strong. Stronger than I can ever be. » She nodded, while she kept whipping her tears off of her face. « You've faced worse. You've survived it. »

« I had to. » She whispered and put her hands over his. «  I can't help but think that it is unfair it happened to Joshua. » Dean sighed.

« He knew the risks when he started and he still kept going. He enjoyed his life, Oya, you can't take that away from him. He had the life he wanted to lead. »

« I know... » She said, still sobbing. Dean turned her around so he could face her. Oya lifted her head and stared at his emerald eyes. « I know it's Hunter's life... I know we can't choose the way we go, but losing him... losing him...I don't want to lose him.. I don't want to lose you. »

There she went! He knew that what bothered Oya the most, was that any of them could die while working a case. Both shared the same sacrificial lamb complex where they would give their lives to protect mankind and all life on Earth. How many times did Dean accept a deal with an archangel or Lucifer even, or a deity if that allowed for mankind to survive? How many times did he give his life for the well-being of others? Oya knew he would never hesitate and while she trusted him to come back to her after he worked a case without her, there was still the risk of him not coming back. It was the job, after all, there always was a risk he would die, whether that was because of a stronger enemy or his goddamn sacrificial lamb complex.

So it kept her on edge. It kept him on edge too. Dean had already seen her in action, ready to take a bullet or to die for him. He literally heard her scream this to a powerful witch they were fighting. The Winchester was incapacitated, but he saw the determination in the eyes of the ebony hunter and he knew she would follow through with her plan to die. Both lectured the other in moments like these, in order for their partner to know how much they cared for them and how far they would go for the other. Both tried to make the other promise they would never sacrifice their lives for the greater good. They wanted to make sure their partner knew they never had to feel alone because they weren't, they would never be alone because they had each other.

« You're not going to lose me. » His voice was assertive as if he was trying to say that they would not lose the other. He refused to imagine how life would be without Oya. There were close calls when she almost died and he imagined how life would be when she's gone. She refused to imagine a world where Dean wasn't there. There were close calls when Dean allowed an angel to use him as a vessel in order to protect mankind from a devastating scourge. She felt helpless as she saw Dean's body slowly become another person's.

« I can't do this without you, Dean. » She finally admitted.

She might have been strong, the ebony hunter had reached her limits there. Her lips started to tremble harder as she was thinking of the hospital and a devastated Sarah who counted on her. She couldn't bail on her friends, her family.. she had to be there.

« I know. » He wrapped his strong arms into an embrace and pulled her towards his stronger frame, so she would feel his comforting presence. His arms kept stroking the soft wet skin of her back and his lips pressed kisses to her forehead and neck. He got her back. He felt her body relax against his and her arms wrap around his frame to pull him into a tight embrace. « I've got you. » He repeated to her ear, making her relax some more. She wasn't alone after all. He was there with her. It was all the strength she needed.

-TBC-

Love and whatnots: shower

Love and whatnots: Shower

Xxxxxxxxxx

Your strong hands cupped both of my cheeks while I turned the water off in order to have a better look at you. Your taller figure was towering mine, engulfing me in a comforting shadow. My panicked hazel hues stared at you but you smiled at me. You always smiled at me. Your thumbs stroked my cheeks, slightly distracting me away from the stress I was feeling that day. You always understood me, my silence and the words I couldn't say when I couldn't cope with life. You always knew what I needed, how I needed it; An anchor to reality. I needed to feel real again, myself again and you were always there. Your hands-on my cheeks guided my gaze to yours, where I could see your beautiful baby blues. For a minute, there was nothing in the world but you and me in that shower.

I wanted to apologize on that day, say that I couldn't help but feel sorry to put you through this ordeal. I wanted to say that you deserved better than a wife whose mind sometimes broke into a million pieces. I wanted to apologize, for not being as strong as I was supposed to be... A beacon of hope who had lost all of it...but you never wanted me to. You never let me finish my sentences, you never felt that I had to apologize for this. Your hands.. on that gloomy day, your hands healed me. As you were washing my hair, I slowly got anchored back to reality. I was back in the moment, with you in that shower. I remember my hands running over your strong back, I remember my fingers sinking into the hard skin of your shoulder blades and my body pressed against yours. I remember holding you so tight that I feared I would break you at that moment and I remember you holding me back.

I kissed your shoulder and I leaned against your chest, while the warm shower was running down her entwined bodies. I love you, for you can see me at my most vulnerable and still love me. I love you, for you never gave up on us when I always gave you a way out. I love you  because you said you didn't want a way out and would always choose me, all of me..all the time.

dear depression and anxiety

Dear Anxiety and Depression,

I know now that I can't do without you. You'll always be part of my life. I understand that you will sometimes make me forget you exist, and I will enjoy myself, my life, the very good moments I experience. I understand that you will come back with a vengeance, throwing black ink on the happiest memories I hold, you will fog my thoughts, blind me to the good I could do, could be, could give. I understand I will have moments of doubts, I will freak out, you will twist my reality. I understand that.

I have been battling you for decades now, first without knowing it was you, and only for a couple of years, aware of who and what you are. You're exhausting. If I am being very honest and blunt, you're fucking exhausting and I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel, the way you make me see myself, the way you make me see the world. I hate the thoughts you induce in my mind, and I hate your buddy « Thanatos » as I call him who creeps into my head and whispers to my ear that it would be best if I offed myself.

I never thought I would be able to survive so many years. Hell, I even believed I would be dead by age 24. When I lost my friend, Magz, to Thanatos, a couple of years ago, I wished I could join her so I wouldn't be a waste of space and skin. I wished she was at peace now, far away from the excruciating pain she felt every single day and I wish I could know it, peace...I didn't forget her words, the teachings she left me, the hope she -and my friends- induced in me. They helped me recognize the enemy, seek the help I needed and they saved me for the time being. I'm grateful...so very grateful for this.

Yet, here I am again, with massive changes in my life that make me lose control and throw me in the turmoil of uncertainty. I do very badly with uncertainty and tomorrows I cannot see or think of. So of course, you're flaring off, setting me ablaze, teasing me like there is no tomorrow. I want to ask, can you leave me for a minute? Can you let me enjoy the good I'm going through this year? Is it too much to ask for a minute of peace and calm? I have so much to deal with and I don't know how to face you anymore. I don't know how to handle the day. Step by step seems to be the best way... step by step seems to be the only way.

See, I'm happy right now. Deep down in my bones, I feel it. I am happy with the friends I have, the hubby I have and the many projects I want to realize. I might be frustrated with the job I have, I know there is a way out and I'm actively looking for it. There is no reason for me to feel like it's the end of everything or that I could lose everything because of what I could say, or do... or be. Please, stop making me feel like I don't deserve to be happy. Please don't scare me with losing everything I have been building for years. Please, just stop keeping me awake at night, twisting and twitching on my bed because I'm certain I'm hurting my loved ones and would never be able to make anyone happy. Please, stop making me feel guilty for being alive. I am trying my best to forgive myself for breathing, I'm trying to feel less guilty and there are days I succeed... there are others where I fail and I wonder why I'm still here and why there are people, who love me still...

Can't you see how exhausting you are? Can't you see how awful one's life might be? Can't you see? Can't you see ?..... I'm so tired today. I'm so tired, I need to sleep.

Doya: without him

Without him :

Oya threw herself at Dean, as soon as she came back home. Her arms wrapped around his frame and she pulled him into a tight hug. Her face rubbed against his t-shirt, and she took in his scent as much as possible in order to make sure that he was real. He furrowed his brows as he didn't expect her to be this demonstrative, but quickly wrapped his arms around her frame. Oya sobbed quietly, her fingers sunk into the warm flesh of the Winchester's older brother as she couldn't stop sobbing. He had rarely seen her like this, usually, she would shed a couple tears when kids were victims and he was wondering if it was the case.

« Don't you ever die on me again. » -She sobbed in her cracked voice.-

Those simple words were enough for the taller hunter to keep her in a tighter embrace and stroke her hair. He comforted her the best way he could, knowing full well that she probably had fought against a telepath or a witch, anyone who would have had the ability to make her hallucinate his death. To see such a strong woman like the ebony hunter break down in front of him was an unsettling sight, but more so, it was proof of her affection for him. She didn't want to lose him. He let his fingers run through her dark and heavy curls. He let them massage her scalp to help the petite hunter calm down but he felt her warm tears roll down his shirt and wet the fabric. Dean was right, Oya encountered a witch in her last hunt. That bitch made her see a world she refused to live in, a world without Dean.

It broke her heart and despair overwhelmed her to the point of wanting to fight Lucifer should she ever face him if it could avenge Dean. In reality, it would have had her jump to her death, killing her because she strongly believed Dean was killed. A world without him? How could she survive in a world without the man she felt so strongly for? She still remembered the cold body of the hallucination she was holding into her arms. She remembered feeling empty, then angry, then desperate. It was a bleak future that lied ahead of her, a future without his laughter, his smiles, his voice singing songs as they drove Baby to their next mission. It was a world where she wouldn't be able to stroke his head with her fingers, where she would not be able to kiss his lips, snuggle against him or feel his arms around her when she had a nightmare. It was a world where he wouldn't roll his eyes when she brought ugly aprons home or he wouldn't laugh at her for not having comebacks to his teases.

It broke her heart and made her cry tears made of pieces of her soul. She didn't want to go on, she didn't want to live anymore in a world where /he/ wouldn't be. The tears were real, the pain was real, the despair almost drove her to suicide. What prevented her from going through with her revenge was the promise she made Dean. She promised him to keep going, keep the family business should he pass away. How could she do it, if she wanted to die? How could she? She sighed deeply and renounced chasing after Lucifer, only to find out that she had been hallucinating the whole time. Her wrath was terrible and the bitch was dead, but her heart was still broken. For a minute, she believed she had lost her home forever. For a hot minute, she believed she was all alone in the world again and that the strong foundation built upon the ashes of her heart was crumbling down. Those emotions never left her and the woman couldn't help crying in his arms again.

« Please, never die on me, Dean...please... » She begged again, sobbing uncontrollably against him while he embraced her tighter and pressed his lips to her forehead.

« Never. » He replied, knowing full well it was a promise he couldn't keep. She needed to hear it, her heart and soul needed to be at peace, so he said so. He lied to her for her own sake. « I'm never dying on you. » He then helped her climb on him and wrapped his arms around her thighs. « You're stuck with me forever. »

« That's better. » She said between sobs. « I can't live without you,» she admitted and wrapped her arms around his neck. « I can never live without you. » She repeated before she took a deep breath.

« You won't have to. » He said, closing his eyes as he relished in her soft sweet scent and her warmth against his body. « Don't you die on me too then. »

« I don't intend to. » She replied, her voice calmer than before. « I don't intend to... »

-TBC-