A/N: (ost: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdHHIVMJ_VQ)
It's very bittersweet, bitter honestly but this is how she feels and what she won't say.
Pride belongs to my friend N.
Asma/Elpis belongs to me
xxx
There are many things I can't say to you. Many things I wish I could but you wouldn't listen to them. You wouldn't listen to my words because they wouldn't please you. Words always die at the back of my throat whenever I look at you and I want to ignore the gut-wrecking feeling I have but I can't. I roll on the bed, baring my back at you so you wouldn't see my worried face. What can I do? I know you don't want to talk about what would happen to me once we set your beloved free but it's haunting my mind every single time I close my eyes. Would I die? Would I not? What would life be without you in it? I'm burning, like a shooting star, consuming myself in a feeling I know is unrequited. I am in love with you. Don't you know? Don't you see? I feel foolish because I know, I know that we are not the same. You are not human, you can't understand. You are eternal while I'm just a blink in your existence. A moment, a brief breeze over your skin. I'm nothing. Thinking of this, I would definitely rather die than live a life when you're not there. How would I move on without your voice in my ears? Without your arms around my frame? Without your kisses?
I'm not naive, however. I know that our intimacy isn't one. You feel like a forbidden fruit I shamelessly eat but could never satiate me because you are not meant for me. I know. I know you're thinking about her whenever you are with me. I look like her, I sound like her, I am her vessel. I understand. I accepted it when I decided to seduce you anyway. How ironic is it that it's with you, a sin, that I feel the most alive? How ironic is it, that it's with you, a sin, that I experience love? How ironic is it, that it's with you, a sin, that I'm suffering so much? I welcome those feelings, especially if these are supposed to be the last I would ever feel. I welcome them because I'm burning my life by both ends, lit myself like a supernova and go with a gusto. I thought I would be more stressed with a potential death but what truly stresses me out would survive this. You were clear some months ago when I asked you what you would do. You'd leave with her and will never come back to me. You'd leave me.... and I would only have memories to feed on. You'd leave me and I would wither like a flower, unable to find the sun again. I would wither away... You notice I'm taking a little bit of distance from you, which is unusual from me so you glance at me. My lips are trembling, I'm on the verge of crying but I'm doing my best to hold those tears back.
There are things we don't talk about, but I wish I could ask you to end me anyway because there's no life without you. There's nothing without you and once I would have released Hope in the world there would be nothing left for me to do. I want to request you to kill me, with a kiss and take my soul wherever it has to go. There are words I want to say, but I can't say them they die at the back of my throat. There are words I want to say but even if I did say them, you wouldn't listen.
You wouldn't listen.
(TBC)
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