On the impact you have on others, therapy and Mental Illness

 -On the impact you have on others, therapy and Mental Illness-

 

Sometimes it’s her face I see or the last words we said to each other. Sometimes Facebook reminds me of what she wrote about me, a compliment, a funny joke, a little thing. Sometimes it’s the great sadness I feel upon realizing that she’s now gone forever, and the hope that she’s in a better place today. Rest in Heaven Magz. Thank you very much for being in my life however short that was.

 

Magz died from a self-inflicted gunshot a few years ago. She had one of the roughest life one could have and yet she managed to shine brightly around her and give love to others. We bumped into one another by chance and we quickly became friends. She suffered a lot and unfortunately, upon realizing that her spiraling was fueling mine and I would end up killing myself if we remained friends, we separated.  It was the last time we talked but we said how much we cared for one another and we wished each other good luck.

 

She’s gone but her spirit is still alive. She and several of my friends truly helped me understand I was suffering from mental illness and that I had the right to ask for help. She and several of my friends impacted my life so much that I want to celebrate them and encourage those who want to read. Fast-rewind: several years ago, I had no idea about why I was in constant mental pain. I was an open wound and I still refused to address my mental health. « Why bother? » « It wouldn’t work anyway. » « Nobody would want to listen to me. » « I don’t deserve this. » I refused to even acknowledged what I suffered from. You know, childhood abuse, sexual abuse both in my childhood and my adult years, suicidal tendencies with 3 near-successful attempts, self-harming, self-hate, mild to severe Anxiety (my therapists don’t agree on that one), and depression.  That is my baggage. That was my baggage.

 

And I had no idea of what to do with it. I wanted to disappear, to die, I felt undeserving of love. I thought nobody could love me that I would destroy everything and anything I touched. I thought that I was a waste of space, air, and skin and the world would be better with me dead. I thought so many things and anytime life threw me a lemon, I saw it as proof that I was justified with my feelings. It took me a while to build myself back up. Years to be honest. And wonderful friends and family. I had a serious and wonderful support system. These are the people I want to celebrate.

 

They openly talked about their own issues. Their traumas, their fears, their anxiety, and depression. they helped me feel more connected, more normal. A work in progress of some sort. They helped normalize the necessity for healthy relationships, and seeking help when it was needed and they were so outspoken and brave while doing so. I first used to just read, eventually soberly react, but quickly enough, I got to talk to them in private and instead of being rejected, they welcomed me and spoke about their lives. Their struggles. Their dreams. I realized I was able and allowed to have dreams. I created Asma in the process and that helped me, along with the help of others, to actually move forward and towards something positive. I saw great examples of human beings who despite their hardships, were still able to love. They normalized therapy and medication and they helped me come to terms with my own mental illnesses. I learned a lot from them. I sucked in their light and bravery and they inspired me to be more open and to try and learn why it was hurting so much to just be. Therapy helped. After several failed attempts with unsuited therapists, I found one in 2015, right after my third suicide attempt. We worked very well together and his help, coupled with the support of friends and family truly saved me. 2015 was a year that helped me realize that I could ask for help and I could get the right type of help too.

 

It was short-lived for external reasons, but I was given the proper tools to navigate my life and turn it around. It helped me when I was half-paralyzed in the face and even helped me when I started my former job. Fast-forward 2018-2020 saw a degradation of my mental health. I had stopped taking care of it. While I endured one of the most stressful periods of my life, one of my friends told me she started therapy once again but this time she had found an excellent therapist and was receiving medication. You have to understand, prior to my conversation with her, I had always thought that I could do things without the help of meds. There was a stigma I had trouble shaking off regarding medication. I was afraid to end up addicted to it, I thought it would change me deeply, or that it might not work and I’d be disappointed. All valid fears but all born out of anxiety. By the beginning of 2021, after being seriously sick at the beginning of the year, I decided that I couldn’t wait any longer: I had to follow the example my friend set up. I had to resume therapy and hopefully get medication.

 

Let me tell you this : I have never been happier and healthier in my life. Turns out, I had no serotonin left in my blood and therefore it just made everything worse for me. I found a great therapist and this changed the way I feel about myself. « We’re a work in progress and it’s okay. » while it’s not going to « definitely deal » with my afflictions, it does make my life so much easier. I have better and proper tools to handle challenges, I feel more and more myself, and that person is happier, funnier, and even more caring. I feel less the dread of life, or the urge to end my life. I see myself as worthy of being loved, alive and I can finally stop suffocating. There are days when depression takes over but I have been far more gentle towards myself than in the previous years. Friends are important, true friends that are. The family you choose, and the healthy (biological) family members, you also have

 

Life is so short. I nearly died in January and the whole takeaway I kept from my time at the hospital was that: 1) I love my family. 2)) I love my partner (he is my family too and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. 3) I can’t waste time on petty things/feelings. I can’t bend my mind in shapes for toxic people and those who hate me. I’d rather spend it loving others and being loved. 4) I’ll finish my damn book! I’m about to reach page 300. Perhaps in September. Anyway, I’m digressing. What I mean is that today things are better. Therapy and Medication won’t « fix » you. There’s no « fixing » here, there’s nothing « broken » about you. There are these afflictions that make your life really difficult but you can help manage thanks to the help you receive. And while your mental illness is part of you (it’s part of me), that doesn’t mean you are only your MI. That doesn’t define you. That shouldn’t stop you from pursuing a happier life. I’m very aware of myself and while I can’t always prevent a meltdown from happening nor can I control the intensity of it, I can now at least do my best to manage it.

 

So I am eternally grateful for the friends and family who influenced me positively and who supported me through everything. I owe you my life today. I still owe you my life and will owe you my life afterward. Your love means the world to me and gives me the strength to keep looking for a happier and healthier life. I’m alive today thanks to you.

 

I also hope that my testimony would convince you to seek the help you need and deserve. Please remember that if the therapist you chose doesn’t click well with you, then you can change therapist. You are allowed to and you must. Also, there is nothing wrong with being medicated. It’s not a « cop-out » or « the easy way » or whatever bullshit people tell you about it. It’s literally a life-saver. It’s helping you (especially if like me, you have a chemical imbalance), so you can function normally. It’s helping you feel something different from utter despair.  I really hope that it would at least answer a few questions some might have.

 

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

 

May