A vintage's touch: "the fear within"

A vintage's touch: "the fear within"

// I love our babies <3

"Distance is exactly what  you should want." It felt like an eternity since Tommy tried to push Mary away from him. He remembered trying to hold back from her, to keep her within arms reach but far away from his aching heart. He knew he would hurt her, whether he wanted it or not. he would hurt her because of the life he lead. He would hurt her because....Because... Tommy had tried to reason with Mary on her birthday night. He had tried to keep things the way they were between the two of them because if he didn't let her in if he truly wanted her then how could he look away from her? He hoped for Mary to go with the motion and accept that there would be nothing between the two of them, that the status quo would work best. Deep down, Tommy was hoping she would not have him look into his heart and that she would not awaken feelings he swore to never feel again. Tommy was terrified, he was terrified of the feelings he felt for Mary. Polly clocked him right. She realized he was in love with Mary way before he could admit it to himself. She knew that Tommy would be scared of Mary being harmed. She knew he wouldn't be able to recover if she was hurt, especially if it was because of him. grace's Death taught him a thing or two and he wouldn't be caught failing Mary the way he failed Grace.

"You know exactly the kind of danger that this life can bring down on you. You just escaped all the shit that your husband brought down on you. Why would you want to go diving right back into it, eh?" Those words....Tommy said them in hopes that Mary would give up. He was hoping that she would be safer if they didn't explore their feelings for each other. Tommy knew he wasn't blind. He knew that Mary was in love with him. He knew it from everybody (yes, even Arthur was able to see it) and he knew it from her, from the behavior she had whenever he was here. He knew he was the only one to make her laugh, the only one who could help her feel safe and relaxed. Hell, he knew the way she felt when they were sleeping next to each other. Her heartbeats were calm and steady, and her breathing was relaxed and soft. When she was in a deep sleep, Tommy sometimes looked at her peaceful face and the wild locks that fell onto it. He let his fingers brush over the soft skin of her shoulders and he could feel her warmth. She was so warm... so soft... so sweet when she whispered his name or when she chuckled and nuzzled his neck before she fell asleep. It was nice, come to think of it, to be able to sleep next to someone who cared for you. It was nice to have one's nightmares cease to exist because she was lying next to you. Who was he kidding? Tommy was in love with Mary. She knew it too. 

"I will only hurt you." Loving a Shelby wasn't the easiest task for anyone. It was either pain or death and rarely happiness. Yet, Mary managed to help them have a good life. She was a good woman, that much he could tell. She was a good woman and she made his son... their son, happy. She was a good woman and she made him happy. But Tommy had his own demons to fight, and the ghost of Grace was still lurking, the past of debauchery and his former lovers were still there. Alcohol, cigarettes, sex... so many vices he had and couldn't part ways with, so many reasons to hurt the woman he loved.  He had not cheated on her, per se, but before they had sex a second time, Tommy fucked women. May Carleton, Jesse Edens, unnamed whores, you named it, he fucked it.  Just days before Mary and he got together, he had fucked Lizzie, all transactional in his mind but not in hers. That hurt Mary, Tommy could see it plain as day.  he hurt her and still, the nurse stayed by his side.  She called him out on it, but she remained. Still, he warned her but she told him she didn't care, she knew who he was and what he did. She could take it. 

"If someone else fucking touched you, I'd have to kill him like I did the others, now wouldn't I?" Those words came off like a warning but in truth, they hid the fear that had been eating Tommy away ever since Mary came to live in his house. He was terrified of her finding a better suitor than him. He wouldn't be able to accept it, to handle it, the idea that someone, somewhere, was able to snatch his girl off of him. The idea that someone would charm Mary and show her something he could not give her which is stability was haunting the Shelby. The idea that she found someone who would treat her right, who would be everything he wasn't: without blood on his hands, without the urge to conquer the world, and who would be present in a way that he wasn't. He couldn't handle being left by Mary. He couldn't handle losing the one person who made him feel whole, alive, and loved. Mary... As soon as he finally noticed her, caught his attention with her kindness and understanding. She was compassionate, she understood him. She knew who he was and what he was and never once, tried to change him. She never asked him to become someone else, she never asked him to stop trying to reach for the sky. She loved him as he was. She loved him as he was.... and it could all disappear if he didn't pay attention. She could be gone if he didn't make her feel loved and with Mary gone, his last shred of sanity would go too.  So he was afraid, more than he cared to admit. he was afraid... but all of this vanished upon seeing her. 

-TBC-