A vintage's touch: "Dear John"'

A vintage's touch: "Dear John"'

// I love these two so much.  

"Dear John.

You're dead. You and I both know that you are in another plane of existence and we can't talk again. I wish I could. I really wish I could right now. I remember when we used to talk at the Garrison Pub. You'd stay a little late just so you could make sure I would safely close the bar. We'd talk about anything, although, I have to admit that we'd spend it talking about your brother the most. You always knew what to tell me when I wasn't sure I was doing things the right way. You were the first one to see that I was falling for your brother. You knew he wasn't indifferent to me and even encouraged me to stay. You wanted me to stay and to trust in him. I did. you'd probably laugh your ass off if you knew I fucked him. after your funerals when we were grieving and on my birthday and... so many times after that. You would have laughed and would have told me "Told ya that he was into ya. At last ya both stopped being stupid!" and I would throw you a towel. I would laugh too. I wish you were here, so we could fool around and we could talk about the future we both want. 

John, you're dead and tonight, it hurts way too much for me. I can't stop crying! I can't find some sleep! I am worried about our boy. I am worried about Tom. I know he knows his business. I know he's always ahead of the curve but you know him. You know our boy. You know how much he can get lost into his head, I worry about him, especially when he spends so many days away from home. I worry that he doesn't see his son grow up, or that he gets injured and can't come back from it. I worry about him, constantly but you know what tears me apart tonight? I don't know how to tell him I want to be with him forever. I don't know how to tell him how much I need him, how much I care for him. I wish I could speak those words to him, without fear, without restraint. I wish I could let him know that his heart is safe with me and that I am with him. He doesn't need to tell me. He doesn't need to let me in on the business. I understand that the less I know, the best it is for both of us but still...I am here. I wish I could tell him "I love you. I want to be your wife. I want to raise your children and I want to carry yours." 

Can you believe it? John? Charlie told me that I was his mom. He told me that his mother is in heaven and I am his mom on Earth. He is such a precious child, my child. I accepted it, at long last! Can you believe it, John? A baby, a little Tom and me? I wish you were here. I wish we could laugh about it. It would make me less anxious. It would make me less worried. It would make me... Oh... John...I'm worried about Tommy and I wish you'd be there to watch after him. I hope that wherever you are, you can look after your brother and after me. I hope you know that you are still with us, no matter how long since your death. I still pray to you. I hope you know we're doing good....oh John...I'm worried....What should I do?"

-TBC-