Crippled II

Here we go again, feeling crippled once again. I contemplate my life and all I see is all I couldn't do. One shouldn't wallow in self-pity and I don't even pity myself. My failures are mine. However, I do fail to see my success either and the wins I could snatch from life. I have won, several times. I am alive and I am kicking and I am breathing still. I have demons of my own, demons I try to hide from the rest of my family but they devour me whole. My heart is lonely, I am alone. Alone in a crowd that is. I just watch and I can't help but wonder: Why? When? How? What?

Why the pain? Why the guilt? Why can't I fucking feel like a normal human being? How is that that I only feel like the worst of them? Especially when nothing is going on on my side? I wish I could close my eyes and make it go away. I wish I could just ignore everything but let's be honest, I can't. it doesn't work like this. It doesn't work like this. Today, I am just very tired. I don't want to take my feet out of my house, out of my bed. I used to have a small notepad where I would write down my darkest thoughts. I can't seem to be able to do that anymore. at least, not for now. I used to sketch so easily but I have been blocked. I used to...

I'm turning 30 this year. it's huge. especially for someone who thought they would be dead by 24. I'm alive but I am not at the same time. I'm just spending the days.....I'm wasting away. that's the truth of my life. I'm wasting away and I know that but I cannot move. And do you know why? Because I am crippled. My brain freezes, my body stiffens. I cannot move. I am terrified. Me, who is someone who usually is bold and brave and capable of so much more. I am petrified by my own brain. I cannot fathom the idea of being able to do anything, of being a waste of space and skin, of being untalented and stupid and I mostly de-evaluate myself so much that there is nothing left of anything I know that I can do. It's even worse as people praise me. As they see me as this passionate person and capable person; I believe this image of me feels like a fraud.. while it's the truth.

I am tired, I am so tired......

So tired...

Let me sleep.