A/N: Finally, 2nd and last part of that little bit between Asma and Jessica. <3
xxxxx
How long had Asma been in the kitchen? Jessica couldn't tell anymore. The quiet noise of the clock on the wall was becoming harder to handle. The brunette tapped her fingers against the table, impatiently waiting for her sister to return from the kitchen. Her blue eyes averted from the wall to the front door but Asma didn't come back. She laid her hand flat against the table and turned it around so she could stare at her blood-soaked palms. She had cleaned everything else before she came home, she always made sure to clean herself before she set foot in her house so her children wouldn't witness how much of a bloody mess their mother was and wouldn't suspect anything. She always did, but that night, she forgot to scrub her hands. Asma was aware of what she used to do -what she was still doing-, but Jessica didn't mention she was still killing.
Truth mattered to her, more than anything else, but she couldn't bring herself to be fully honest with the tattoo artist. The night she confessed about her past deeds was already risky. It could have gone sideways, Asma could have rejected her and Jessica remembered how nervous she was back then. Today was no different, her stomach was tied on a knot and she was holding her breath. She knew Asma would be mad for keeping the truth from her. Opie told Jessica how difficult it was for Asma to cope with her absence. She knew her sister tried to find answers and was frustrated by the silence and secrecy surrounding SAMCRO and the KNIGHTS. It was what it was, Jessica tried to rationalize. She couldn't tell the whole truth but that didn't mean she wasn't true. Wasn't it all that mattered? To be true to each other? Yes, it was...
Still...
Tonight, she wished the floor would open and swallow her whole. She ran her hand through her hair and held a fistful of honey locks, while her eyes were glued to the main door. Asma was washing her hands for a while now. They were clean already but she couldn't stop scrubbing her skin, to the point of irritating it. It wasn't so much the sight of blood that triggered her. It was the fact Jessica came home, seemingly unharmed and clean, only to leave a blood print on her skin. It felt like a white lie had been exposed. It felt like the truth jumped on her face and knocked her down. She was upset, her stomach was also tied on a knot while her mind was so filled with noise she couldn't hear her thoughts. Panic had her repeat the same gestures in order to calm her nerves but it was starting to hurt so she stopped the stream of hot water and bit her bottom lip. For a split second, she thought the blood was Jessica's and it wrecked a nerve. She still remembered that time they went to the hospital -how she hated hospitals- when they found a severely beaten up Jessica. She could have died that night if someone had not found her; She would have been dead and the whole family would have heard the bad news from very sorry doctors. Tonight just reminded her how mortal Jessica was. It also exposed the big fat ugly truth of Jessica still running around taking risky jobs and playing with her life every damn night.
Her lips were shaking and she hit the sink with her hand, making a noise that alarmed Jessica who straightened up on her chair. Asma ran her hand into her black locks and looked at the ceiling. She was pissed, but was she pissed because of the secrets, or was she pissed because she was worried? Her mind was still buzzing with noise, so she decided to act on instincts and let the words out. They had to talk, Since she returned from wherever she was, Jessica and Asma didn't have time to sit and have an actual conversation, so now was a perfect time. Asma nodded to herself and quickly left the kitchen. Jessica stood up, unable to sit still once her sister returned to her.
«Asma... »
« Every damn night... » -Asma started.- « Every damn night I wake up from a nightmare I have about Alex, about you...Every night I wonder if you will come back in one piece or if I will have to attend your funerals. »
« Asma... » Jessica lowered her head, her eyes shifty-eyed from left to right. « That's the-- »
« That's the life, I know! I have always known. I am not stupid! » She said, as she rested her hands on her waist. « I knew long before you told me about your past that you were doing this kind of shit! I had a brother, remember? He was a sixty niners, so I knew deep down that you were in the same business, that Jax was in that business too. » Jessica felt cornered. What could she actually say when she knew Asma was right? She didn't want to argue, not right now, so she decided to ask a question and get this over with.
« Are you mad at me? » -She anticipated the answer but still wished it was a 'no'. -
«YES! Yes, I am! I am mad because you all decided I shouldn't know the truth about you. I am mad because you willingly left me in the dark, all of you. I have patched the boys several times already. Bullet wounds, stabbing wounds, you fucking name it. Do you think I didn't do the maths? Do you think I didn't know what was going on? I did ! I fucking did but I said nothing because I wanted /you/ to tell me. Then.. then Jessica you disappeared on us. For weeks we didn't know where you've been! Jax was going crazy here! He was scared for you, anxious, nervous, empty without you! How do you think I felt ??? »
« Asma... I really couldn't tell Jax where I was. If I can't tell Jax, I can't tell anyone else.» She honestly could not have. In order to protect her family, she had to keep her mission a secret. Hearing Asma's finally vomiting her emotions hurt Jessica. She knew it was to happen, somehow, someday, but she had not anticipated it to be this early and even less to be this violent. She could see the pain on her sister's face, the fear that transpired in her shaky voice, the defensive posture she took to protect herself, her heart. Jessica knew Asma was mad at her, but hearing the words felt like a slap in the face. So she lowered her head again and took a deep breath.
« You could have told me when you came back! You should have. You should have told me you were still working so I didn't discover it by accident! You should have told me with your words and you should have trusted me! You don't, not even today, not even after all we went through. You do /not/ trust /my/ love for you Jessica. And it hurts you know that? It does... hurt...so... much. » She said, finally sobbing as words escaped from her lips. Jessica was shocked at the words, for they have been far from the truth. Of course, she trusted her, why would she ask her to keep the kids if she didn't trust her? Her eyes were wide open and stared at the sobbing woman in front of her.
« I didn't want to hurt you. Asma, I tried to tell you, I rehearsed in my head the words I was going to say but I just could not. » She said, as she pulled Asma into a hug. Her arms wrapped around the inker's shoulders and her head, while Asma's arms wrapped around her waist and kept her close. For a few minutes, the only noise that filled the room was Asma's sobs. Jessica comforted her the best she could but emotions got to her, the guilt she tried to rationalize yet again. Did she really behave in a way that would make Asma think she didn't trust her enough to tell her the truth? Her mind was racing, trying to understand the situation and walk in Asma's shoes. If Jax had been pulling this shit on her, Jessica knew she would have reacted like this, even worse than Asma did. « Look how worried you were when I didn't tell you what I was doing. Imagine how worried you'd be if you knew everything? I didn't want you to live with fear in your guts, like when Oscar was still alive. »
« It's not up to you to decide for me, Jessica. We're family and I mean my words. That also means I have to know what's going on. » Asma managed to say in between sobs. « I know that the less I know, the better it is. I understand that. I don't need you to tell me everything, I just need you to be true to me Jessica, please. » She said as she pulled away from her to look into her blue eyes.
«I know... » What more could she say? Asma had a point, she had to be true, but sometimes the whole truth could cause more damage than a little bit of it. She knew Asma meant well, but there was still a chance that she would leave. Her eyes were filled with fear and her body stiffened as she stared at her sister. Asma moistened her lips and gently cupped Jessica's cheeks.
« I'm not going anywhere, Jessica. I know you're afraid that knowing the truth would tear us apart, but it cannot because I know you. It cannot bring us apart because I know that life. My brother was part of it, my father was military so I know what it is to put your life on the line and for your loved ones to be worried about you. I know that life. » She said stroking Jessica's pale cheeks. « I need you to be true to me, so I can love all of you, including that part. » She said, as she gave her a smile through her tears. « So please, let me love you just as you are. » She whispered, her hazel eyes stared into Jessica's who opened them wide and chewed at her bottom lip.
It seemed like nothing at first, A couple of words, but it was enough to have Jessica tear up. She suddenly realized she had been holding her breath for so long and sighed in relief. A tear rolled onto her cheeks but was quickly wiped out by Asma's thumb. Her hands held onto the ebony inker's wrists and she nodded again. It seemed like nothing at first, but now that the truth came out, it felt like a rebirth.
-TBC-
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