It's okay

I thought I would have forgotten about you by now. It would have been so much easier for me to just ignore everything that happened between the two of us. Unfortunately, this isn't how life works. I tried to forget you, I really did try hard but I could never pull that off. I don't know, it probably had something to do with you always being in my mind? Whenever I tried to move on, I found myself attracted all over again to you, to your words, to your voice, to your presence. I still remembered how it felt when you were next to me, the electricity in the air, the smiles we exchanged, the warmth of your words, the warmth of our laughter, I was in a dream. 

I was in a dream where you would be there next to me. You would talk to me, cradle me, comfort me and protect me. I was in a dream where you would have been there for me. I know I'm asking a lot, I'm probably asking way too much from you. After all, how can you comfort me, tell me that everything would be alright when you yourself are a mess? It can't be, it can't happen this way. I have to be the person who would pick myself back up and I have to be my own savior. I can't wait for someone to magically fall into my lap and take me away from my misery. With that said, I still think of you.

You're not a savior, not at all. You could have been a companion if you were honest about how you felt and who you really are. I don't want artifices, I don't want pretense, I just want the truth. I want your truth. I see you for who you really are but I am not sure you really want to see yourself in the same light. It's not difficult to understand, but it surely is difficult to live through. I get it. I'm not mad at you for not being ready to see yourself as you truly are. I do have to acknowledge that you never tried to lie about your circumstances. You've always been very clear about what you wanted, what you were going through, and what you didn't want. You have always been very clear about what you were looking for, in me, in us...But you thought you were sly and that we were looking for the same thing but we weren't. I wanted something serious. I wanted something real. I wanted something that mattered. I didn't want to be a sexcapade. I didn't want to be one number on your cell phone. I didn't want to be that sweet and naive conquest you had when you came to my town. I wanted to mean something else, something more. 

But all of this looks so... trivial now. I do dream about you, sometimes. I do read your words again, sometimes. I do feel your presence and your breath and your smiles... sometimes. I surprise myself thinking of the next time we would meet and how I would behave but this time is different. I am not looking forward to being with you anymore. this... I have understood it could never happen. We are not meant to be and it's okay as well. I miss your touch, but it's okay too. I miss your voice and your humming and good mood and your passion.. but it's okay too. I'm honestly trying to find my way through this, move on from where we were. move on from my dire need to be with you. I am fully aware that I deserve better, that if it didn't work out when we met, then it just wouldn't;  We both know it's true. We both know we can't plan on the comet and wish it'll come true and solve our issues. it's not how the world works and it's okay too.

With that said...I am thinking of you. Of your touch, of the kisses we would never share, of the hugs we wouldn't share either -not as much as we could that's for sure-. I think of your laughter and of how much we've been talking over the phone and we won't be doing it anytime soon. It's okay, I have other people to talk to. I don't depend on your calls and I've learned better not to count on you. You weren't there when it was important. people saw, people read. people know. you weren't there and I can't pretend you were. I was deeply hurt and upset that you didn't show up and didn't act half the decent man you were supposed to be. I hold it against you. You being a coward when it actually mattered that you weren't one.  It's who you are, it's okay. I understand. I don't want that in my life, not in a partner, but I understand.

Ultimately, I guess what I was trying to say is that I miss you. I really do. I miss everything that was "us" that happened last year. I miss everything that could have been "us" but would never be. I miss you and I think of you sometimes. I think of your kisses and your hugs and everything glowy and beautiful and bubbly about us but then I remember how dark things could get between the two of us and I remember how complicated our situation is and I remember how you behaved and what I need right now and later on in my life and then it becomes crystal clear that we're not good to each other and we're not meant to be more than friends.....And it's okay.

It's okay.

It really is.