2017, what a year. It's very funny because each year I keep on saying that the next one would be better and it couldn't be worse than what I went through and the next year ends up surprising me. 2017 did surprise me. It was an actual rollercoaster of emotions. I remember how terrified of the beginning of the year I was. I watched with disgust how a man with no class, no compassion, no empathy for the other and ready to wreak havoc on the World was taking charge of one of the most (if not the most) powerful countries of the world. I was desperate and hopeless and mind you, the world as it is is pretty much depressing and stressful. You only have to look around you to see it. I felt nauseous for a good chunk of the year, up until I fulfilled a dream of mine in May. I went to Canada! Who would have thought? the opportunity presented itself and I took it! I seized it in my hands and didn't let go.
I was able to fly, after a decade without setting a foot on a plane, I flew to Canada. I was finally able to breathe a different kind of air, I was able to meet different people with different (or similar) mindsets. I experienced something new. I was frustrated, excited, I felt trapped too and then I was free all at once. I met my beautiful Kayla and I felt that the connection we have had for years without being able to see each other were REAL and deep and beautiful. I met her family, her boyfriend, we spent two full days together and I will never forget how it made me feel. Genuine love, genuine excitement, genuine care.. a reminder that the relationships I build are real and strong and beautiful. I was really sad when I left Canada but at the same time, it left me with dreams in my head and an appetite for the future. I was finally starting to see a future for myself.
I also noticed a change in the professional side of my life. Without going too much into details, there was a new dynamic in my life. One that had me push past the former boundaries I had and expand my horizon. I was so productive and so dedicated to making things work that I didn't let go up until I succeeded in getting what I wanted. It was a year made of fights like you wouldn't believe it was. I know I'm already thinking about the future, about making that change turn into an everlasting situation where there would be some sense of security and stability. I want something permanent, I want a career and I'll get one but for now, that first step was so important to me. I haven't realized just how much it is yet, but I can feel it in the way I now perceive things and do things.
Speaking of wonderful changes, a friend of mine recently became a dad and another one got married to the man of her life, and another one ended an unhappy relationship. and is free now The kids of my friends are growing up into wonderful individuals and I observe the changes with a loving and teary eye because that's life. All the little things: a promotion or a loss of job, a wedding or a divorce, hooking up or breaking up, being healthy or being sick. it's all of that, the good and the bad moments that make life what it is. I am very happy because of this year, many of my friendships became even deeper than they used to be. we got to know each other better, I got to let them in, I got to let /you/ in and that's terrifying but at the same time, it's beautiful and I like it. I very much so, love my friends. The old ones, the new ones, I love my friends and I got better at severing the ties to toxic people and those with an agenda.
My birthday was the best day I've ever had. I spent the whole evening surrounded by loved ones and their significant others too and never did they make me feel as if I was inadequate to my own party! (we'll talk someday about that, feeling inadequate). My birthday week was a nightmare, mostly because I had a PTSD episode after a year and a half without and all of that due to men trying to force themselves on me.
Speaking of struggles and fight, 2017 was a rough year. I am glad to say I survived it (no pun intended. Those who know,, know what I'm talking about) but I am very grateful for the support system I have because without them (my sisters being in the front line), I would have been dead. plain and simple. But I fought and I still fight.. I still fight to claw my way out of that pit that mental illness keeps on sending me to. And thank god for wonderful moments and unexpected meetings. Because this year I realized one thing: My heart isn't as dry as I thought it was. I'm talking about feelings, love, and whatnots. I am talking about allowing myself to think of someone in a romantic way. I am talking about accepting people would see me in a romantic way. that was and still is a struggle for me and you'd have to blame my past for that and you'd be right.
I don't trust easily, I don't trust my own damn self, most of the time. I don't think people would be interested in me for real and even less that they would do the work to get to me. I also believe that love, if it's there and real, is not enough actually. Just like in any relationships, you have to work hard to make it work. you have to be there, and endure the bad moments, relish in the beautiful moments and keep a clear head. You have to be honest (to yourself and to others), you have to communicate. I'm working on my communication skills. I'd rather be blunt when it comes to how I feel and yeah... I felt it, the tingle in the heart and the "why not?" in my head. I saw it, the desire and affection someone could have for me and it does scare me but it also makes me feel so good. WELP! that was one hell of the year right? it's probably never going to become something and I might just experience it again, elsewhere for all I know. but that very moment I realized my heart wasn't dry was a moment I'll never forget and cherish for a very long time.
I don't trust easily, I don't trust my own damn self, most of the time. I don't think people would be interested in me for real and even less that they would do the work to get to me. I also believe that love, if it's there and real, is not enough actually. Just like in any relationships, you have to work hard to make it work. you have to be there, and endure the bad moments, relish in the beautiful moments and keep a clear head. You have to be honest (to yourself and to others), you have to communicate. I'm working on my communication skills. I'd rather be blunt when it comes to how I feel and yeah... I felt it, the tingle in the heart and the "why not?" in my head. I saw it, the desire and affection someone could have for me and it does scare me but it also makes me feel so good. WELP! that was one hell of the year right? it's probably never going to become something and I might just experience it again, elsewhere for all I know. but that very moment I realized my heart wasn't dry was a moment I'll never forget and cherish for a very long time.
Speaking of a miracle, I guess I'll have to finish with this beauty: Asma! of course! you have to know that I finally started writing her book! finally! I found a beta-reader, we work on it and boy do I have to work hard on that baby! I am not done writing the first chapter (and I already know I'll have to change a lot of things but I need to finish the first draft anyway) and the prologue is to be done over and over and over again until we're satisfied. but I love it! I love working on the book, I love writing and I love dedicating some time to my baby. I also very much appreciate the way she's received and I shall take the suggestions and be less afraid about having my Instagram account (but Jeez... who has the time to run all these things?) and make her known better. it's true that people still associate her with her Marvel self, but more are asking me about her own universe. I'm always so thrilled about it :D
so many things happened this year: I saw the very first cosplay of my baby and more are to come. I wrote French poetry for a contest and sent it (we'll see next year if I succeeded). I also put together two (and soon 3) notebooks with my English poetry and sold them. it's decent for someone who believed they wouldn't sell anything. I want to do it again, to do it better, to do it more. but... we live in a world where I am crippled with my mental illness and anxiety/depression prevent me from trying. I still need to talk myself into doing it but It'll happen :D with the right push.
This year... this freaking year!
I thought it would just end up on a better note than how it started. relatively speaking, it did,-I mean, when you put things into perspectives. For quite a few weeks it was the worst for me. As you know, at the beginning of November, I had a partial facial paralysis going on. (Bell's Palsy as it's called in English). That turned my world upside down. I freaked out the day I found out and thank god for my friends because they helped me overcome this when I was in the ER and ever since I was affected. The following weeks were very hard for me, both mentally and physically. PT was painful and I dreaded every session I had/ have, It was hard to see my face and some basic stuff being impossible to do. (we all take for granted the ability to smile or even blink our eyes). I guess the hardest was to accept myself the way I now was. Find the strength to see me in a positive light, not give into despair, go on...Ah. that was hard.
That was so hard. I already had issues, you know, but with this... I didn't want to fight anymore, I felt overwhelmed you know? But bless my friends. You, people who are close to me or not that close to me. Your kindness really helped. I can't thank enough those who spent hours helping me, giving me support, giving me love, checking on me and those who took me out, those who wrote down beautiful messages... All of you. Thank you. I found that strength to keep going, to get better, to still go to my PT sessions, take advantage of the psychological help I got throughout recovery.. for everyone who makes it possible for me to get better. I can't say thank you enough....it's really hard but you help make things better. I'm grateful for that.
I have hopes for 2018. I really hope that things would be better. not just for me but for my loved ones, for you, for our friends, for our acquaintances and everyone else. I really hope this new year would bring more good news. I don't bury 2017 nor do I cast a stone on it. It was a challenging year. It was a year of growth, of pain, of solitude, of love, of luck, of projects... It was one hell of a year; I would not forget this year. nor can I forget 2016 but this one... I had so many good things happening and I want to remember these good things.
So,
Farewell 2017. I would not go as far as saying that you were my year, but you certainly showed facets of my personality I never knew I had. You showed /me/ love. You showered with it and for this I am grateful. you were the year anything was possible and anything truly was. I saw miracles happen, I saw extraordinary things happen and catastrophes
That was so hard. I already had issues, you know, but with this... I didn't want to fight anymore, I felt overwhelmed you know? But bless my friends. You, people who are close to me or not that close to me. Your kindness really helped. I can't thank enough those who spent hours helping me, giving me support, giving me love, checking on me and those who took me out, those who wrote down beautiful messages... All of you. Thank you. I found that strength to keep going, to get better, to still go to my PT sessions, take advantage of the psychological help I got throughout recovery.. for everyone who makes it possible for me to get better. I can't say thank you enough....it's really hard but you help make things better. I'm grateful for that.
I have hopes for 2018. I really hope that things would be better. not just for me but for my loved ones, for you, for our friends, for our acquaintances and everyone else. I really hope this new year would bring more good news. I don't bury 2017 nor do I cast a stone on it. It was a challenging year. It was a year of growth, of pain, of solitude, of love, of luck, of projects... It was one hell of a year; I would not forget this year. nor can I forget 2016 but this one... I had so many good things happening and I want to remember these good things.
So,
Farewell 2017. I would not go as far as saying that you were my year, but you certainly showed facets of my personality I never knew I had. You showed /me/ love. You showered with it and for this I am grateful. you were the year anything was possible and anything truly was. I saw miracles happen, I saw extraordinary things happen and catastrophes
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