Jon Snow asked me, after learning about my true identity like the rest of them, what was it that I truly desired. I remember the words we exchanged on the stairs as I was trying to vent my frustration. We met by accident but instead of running away, I remained at my place and so did he. He joined me and we watched the dragons dance in the sky. That was where we spoke the truth revealed and what it meant for me. I was a Targaryen now, I was a half-breed reunited with the full-blooded heir to the throne. I was her sister, the product of an unwanted union between the mad king and my mother. A former slave, liberated by my own sister, who happened to be riding dragons. Irony never wore a better face. I hated the name, I hated the people. Targaryens were nothing more but glorified humans who could ride dragons and not burn in flames, for those of them who had the « dragon blood. ». They were nothing more but wizards and witches, who draped themselves with self-righteousness and a fake veil of virtue while they were sinning just like the rest of us. I didn't want that name, for it was an open wound for both my mother and me.
Jon was the first person I eventually talked to, aside from Missandei who knew me since we were children, Jon was the first to know how I truly felt about being thrown into the spotlight. I had a name, I had a family again...Why did speak to him so freely while I would have been better keeping it to myself? I guess, it had to do with his honest eyes. Jon was unlike people of his sex. He wasn't lying, he wasn't cheating, he wasn't trying to take advantage on me. He had no other interest but speak truly and freely and share a moment with me. An honest one at that. So, I let him in. I let him talk to me and I learned something that would stay with me for all eternity I suppose? He told me that I wasn't like my father, the burden I carry wasn't mine to carry. I wasn't the sin of Aerys II. I wasn't the demon's spawn, although, I was, figuratively speaking. He told me I could forge the future I wanted to have, that I could turn this name into something else, become something better. He spoke to me as if I was his equal and perhaps, that did charm me a lot, enough for me to drop some of my walls, experience emotions I never knew I could: relief, gratitude, and comfort.
Yet, his question made me freeze. What was that, that I desired the most?? I had freedom already. So much freedom that I was scared. I didn't know what to do with it. I had freedom, well, factually I was free. In my head,d I still was in shackles. I knew it would require some time for me to finally feel free. I knew it would require a lot more from me to finally open up to my sister, build strong relationships.. eventually be happy ? I don't know. All I knew at this moment was that I wanted to serve. I wanted her to achieve her goal, fulfill her dreams. I was devoted to her and it suited me at the time, because it was something I knew. I knew how to serve. I felt comfortable doing what I knew but deep down, I was aware that it would limit me. Deep down I knew that the dreams I had and the desires I buried inside would come out in a fury and would explode in my face, like the green fire my father wanted to use on his people. I would have to know what I wanted, I would have to face my own desires. I would have to see myself as my sister's equal, Jon's equal, a human being. I couldn't answer his question and because I quickly became frustrated, I became colder and ran away.
What did I truly desire ?..
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