SoA: Ride or Die

Ride or Die :

Jessica had left for quite a long time now and only a few and way-too-short moments she got to talk with Jax, allowed Asma to know the whereabouts of her sister. It wasn't unusual for the queen to leave her castle and go on a solo mission. It wasn't the first time and yet this time felt different. Asma observed, in silence, as Jax was losing his mind because he didn't know where his wife was or if she was safe. He had no clues about her mission and vaguely understood -and perhaps, believed- that she had a mark on her and was trying to get rid of it so she could come back safely at home. In a way, she did have a mark on her, but it truly wasn't on her. It was on the people she cared about, her family, her extended family and the former love of her life. Of course, nobody but Jessica and Sabina were aware of what was going on, Asma didn't so she had to trust Jax and his reactions. She had to trust the conversations she eavesdropped on. She had to trust her guts. And what did her guts say?

They would have advised she runs away. That gut-wrenching feeling she had when Oscar found her and forced her to leave town was present now. All day, every day she felt the crushing weight of danger on top of her head and every fiber of her body screamed for her to leave, run away, start again. Or drink. The bottle was seductive, especially when she was at Jax' place to take care of the kids. There were days she would struggle more than others because the urge to fetch a glass of bourbon took over, or empty a bottle of Jack... ah, dear old friend Jack. He was teasing her with his welcoming poisonous arms. He was teasing her with the false reassurance and false comfort she thought she had whenever she drank herself to oblivion. She made a promise, and because she did it, there was little to no chance that Asma would have left Charming. It was her home now, the one she shared with Jessica, the clubs, and Tig. It was her home now and because she was very family oriented, she couldn't just leave. She wasn't to drop everyone behind, especially not the kids. How could she?

It was her choice, after all, not to be aware of everything the club did. It was her choice to try and pretend to have a decent and lawful life because of the ways she had been raised. It was her choice and yet it sucked. It sucked so hard not to be able to truly know what was going on. It sucked because she couldn't fully be there for her family. Could that work in the long term? Was it the right thing to do? Be clueless, willfully ignore a large chunk of her family and friends' lives? How could she truly be there if she didn't know what happened behind closed doors? How could she truly love them if she didn't know the true horrors? She felt her request to be kept out of the loop was naive, well-meaning but naive and that now that things became more complicated, she had to either change the way she wanted to interact with the club or remain clueless forever.

The real question was and had always been: Do you love them? Did she love Samcro? Did she love Jessica? Did she love the Tellers and did she love Tig? The latter was in love with her, he tried his best to become a better version of himself but there would be a moment he would feel limited or would want more than what they already had. There would be a moment he would want to share with his « old lady », and she had to be ready for this, she had to accept this eventuality. She had to because she was in love with him too. Fuck this, she loved them all and after months spent pondering on whether or not she should become more than just a family-outsider, she chose to do things differently. She chose to fully embrace that life and the shitstorm that came with it. She would inform Tig, Jax and the rest when the time would come but the decision already impacted on her. She felt liberated.

« What's going on Bella? You seem happy? »

Tig's tired voice broke the silence of their room. He crashed on her bed and fell asleep while she was working on her desk. He woke up a few minutes ago and searched for her with his baby blues, only to find his girlfriend sitting on her chair, one leg up and the other down. She was working on a tattoo she projected to make. It would be in the same vein as the one she did on Tig, except, it would be his name Alex « Tig » Tragger she would be writing on herself. Instead of colors and bars, she would design symbols that belonged to SAMCRO, like the crow, the skulls and of course add a few elements that were specific to her, like the dandelions and roses she would put in bouquets below the skulls. She sighed and grabbed her phone.

« I'm alright Tig. I'm actually feeling pretty good about myself. I didn't drink a single drop despite my throat asking for it. I didn't give in. » She said while typing on her phone. « I think we could celebrate that shit, now can we? »

« I think we can. What about you come to papa? » He suggested in his tired but husky voice. Asma looked up to him with her big hazel eyes and nodded.

« In a minute, love. I'm coming. » She then looked at her text and took a deep breath.

#I don't know where you are, but I count on you to come back to me so we can talk to Jess. I'm tired of pretending I can have my cake and eat it too. I'm tired of being kept out of the real things and not be there to actually support you through all the shit you're going through. I decided to be better. I decided I wanted transparency. I decided I'll make that step forward because fuck this shit, you deserve the real deal. I'm not going to run away like I thought I would. I'm not going panic. I just want to know and be there for you when it truly matters. That's what Family is for and I'm your fucking sister, so I should act like it. It's ride or die, babe! Ride or fucking die !#

She sent the text and put the phone down before she went back to her bed and snuggled with Tig. It was a huge step forward, but a much-needed one. Tig noticed she was smiling and while he didn't have the heart to smile because of all the shit going through the club, it did make him smile and it did make him kiss her again.

-TBC-