Doya: "we had our moments."

 "We had our moments, when we were both apart due to working cases separately, when we both went at each other's throats. Dean got used to me sending him texts everyday, just to check on him and make sure he was doing alright. it took a while before he didn't get upset at my texts and it took an extra more time for me to balance them out.  He understood I wasn't trying to nag him or make him feel incompetent. He understood that I was actually very worried about his well-being and wanted him to come back to me. We trust each other, we care for one another and we know that we would always make sure to come back to the other as soon as possible.  It's quite something isn't it? when your partner trusts you to the point of letting you go on your own without trying to prevent you from doing your job because they know you're great at your job and would come back to them. Yet, it's also really sweet to hear that they care for you enough to be worried about you. That's what it was for the two of us. we trusted each other but we were also worried for one another. 

Things just became more complicated since Pluto "happened". Dean was worried, more than ever because the threat had not been eliminated and he didn't even know if the pagan god had a means to remember me, or track me. I could have been followed by him, maimed or even killed and Dean wasn't willing to have any of that. we were facing a threat that was bigger than what we expected it to be and he had to make sure I was doing alright. So, yes,  he called more often. Yes, we had our moments when we were upset at one another.  We would argue over the phone and Dean always did this things with his voice, that little trembling tone that made me realize he was extremely upset and hurt by my cavalier attitude.  And every single time, that made me shiver and I always apologized. my voice changed, I spoke softly as I wanted him to know that no matter what, I didn't intend to die and leave him behind. I didn't intend to break his heart. I didn't want to be reckless. I didn't want to leave him. 

Yes, I was cavalier with the whole hunting Pluto thing. I was not rationally thinking. Part of me just wanted to find him and kill him without a plan. I guess my ego was hurt, my fear of the god overwhelmed me and I wanted to be done with him.  Yet, another part of me was trying to avoid the god altogether, it was as if I had not fought worse than him and had been through Hell and back (figuratively speaking). I was just... it is just a weird period for me, when anger could take the best of me and fear could make me act recklessly. Dean knew, so whenever I went out on a hunt alone, he always called to make sure I was in the right mind. So yes, we had our arguments. yes. we sometimes were at each other's throats. But I always made sure to let him know I would abandon him, it wasn't possible for me to do it. How could I when he was my world?"