DEAN AND OYA : There is always a new path

A/N:  All usual disclaimer! 

Ah, despite me saying that Oya doesn't mind having kids, it's still something very painful for her to talk about. She doesn't seriously think about having a family of her own now. She doesn't even know if she can afford to get close to someone again but if this ever happens and she someone gets involved, she would straight away address the issue as a « take me or leave me » situation. Unlike my baby Asma who doesn't want to have children and was afraid to tell Steve about it, Oya wanted at some point and is heartbroken about not being able to conceive. Of course, you can be a mother in a million ways and what his family doesn't have to fit a mold but Oya is coming to terms with it, at her own pace. The topic needed to be addressed so here it is. I intended to make it a bit longer than my usual solos because I also wanted to add a little Sam to it.:)

Also, more backstory for her.

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Oya woke up early this morning. Her gaze set upon the ceiling and she blankly stared at it. Dean was sleeping next to her, relaxed and seemingly content in his sleep which made her wonder if he had dreams. She never did. Her sleep was either plagued with a nightmare or empty and regenerating. Oya would have loved to dream, she would trade sweet memories of happier times than the constant nightmares that terrorized her at night. Her hazel eyes looked up at Dean's face and she gently allowed her fingers to stroke his chest and rest where his heart was supposed to be. What could she possibly make of this life if not spend it hunting and killing monsters? In the long run, it was very different from the life she used to have in her homeland. It was very different from what she expected it to be. A promise of a beautiful and fulfilling life, that was what a hunter's life was in Africa. Especially in Cameroon. They could settle, have families and make hunting their jobs. They got paid, they were provided with goods when they couldn't get money from their clients. Cases came to Oya's family instead of them searching for anything out of the ordinary. Leaving Africa to hunt down her brother forced Oya to change her plans. Bullshit ! It wasn't that idyllic. Hunters in Cameroon were seen more tools than humans. They were designed to eliminate malevolent monsters and work with friendly monsters to get the job done. It had its perks, of course, life was a tenfold better than in America but they were tools, whether Oya wanted to admit it or not.

It wasn't coming to America. She already knew what American hunters experienced since she came at a younger age to be trained by her father's best friend. She knew. She simply didn't want to settle in this country. Her future was already planned ahead. She would get married to Fabrice and have children with him. That was the plan. A bright and exciting family life with a man she loved with all of her might. She forgot how he looked like. She didn't bring any picture with her, so after so many years hunting down the Asanbosam, she forgot how they looked like or sounded like. But her mind always filled the gaps. Always managed to make her feel as if the faces she saw and the voices she heard in her nightmares were of the people she loved and lost. The only people she remembered as clear as day were Dean, Sam and eventually Castiel when he appeared in her dreams as the mean angel who refused to answer her prayers and mocked her for losing her family. She lost it all. The bright future, the undying and fulfilling love, the brightness in her life the day Kalusha was possessed by that son of a bitch.

Her mother died, her father followed out of grief and her fiancé was killed the minute he let that demon possess him. In an instant, she lost everything. But it wasn't her fault, was it? It wasn't directly her fault. Kalusha was possessed because he wanted to prove something to her, killed their mother and caused so much pain to their father that he got cancer. Fabrice's death either wasn't her fault, she had given up hunting because she wanted to move on from Kalusha and her personal tragedies or so she thought. Oya thought he would handle himself very well, but he didn't. He died because of her. All of them did. But the worst that could have happened to her, the real reason she stopped hunting was that her last hunt made her lose something precious: the ability to conceive. In order to save an innocent, she took a potion to enter the Astral plane and rescued her from there. There was a problem, however. The potion was prepared by an unskilled witch hunter who used powerful magic that cursed her and destroyed her reproductive organs. The side effects were terrible.

She rescued the victim but fell sick for a good two-weeks before the doctor of her father's village told her that she would never be able to conceive a child. It devastated Oya for carrying a child was sacred. It was more than sacred. In her society, a woman had to conceive children otherwise she wasn't one. She grew up dreaming about having children of her own like her mother because it would make her a woman. It would make her more than a hunter. Besides, she was very nurturing in nature and did great with kids so of course, she wanted some of her own. Fabrice pretended it didn't bother him and he still loved her and yet he grew distant over the months. Her father's death got them back together so he could give her his support but there was no more intimacy between the two of them. It was gone. She was gone. So he went hunting alone, driving his frustration out on the monsters he killed.

But she felt less than a woman because she couldn't conceive and it was her biggest regret, her biggest pain. She stroked her flat stomach, thinking about life growing up there and about her pregnant aunts who always filled the house. She stroked her stomach thinking about herself being pregnant with Fabrice's child and how happy he would have been to be a father. She thought about how lonely and heartbroken she was when the doctor said she couldn't have children. Tears filled her eyes and Oya swiftly turned on her side. Dean was still sleeping, of that deep sleep, she didn't want to interrupt. Her eyes shifted from left to right and she sighed deeply. What would she do once Kalusha was killed? Of course over the years she thought to herself that not having a kid didn't take away her right to be happy but she didn't know what would make her happy these days aside from avenging her family. She thought about going back home but to what end? Hunters were doing well since she helped rebuild the community after Amara's rampage in Africa. They didn't need her there. Hunters seemingly did well in America as well, but what would make her stay? What could she be pursuing? The thought slowly overwhelmed the woman who forced herself to look at the ceiling. She heard a grunt from behind and shrugged as she knew Dean might be awake and noticed she already was. She could feel his gaze upon her, worried, probably questioning why she was baring her back at him as if she was angry... or sad.

She remembered a conversation she had with Sam. One day she wanted to run away, she was stopped by an unknowing Sam who brought a book he wanted to read with her about African monsters. He wanted to hear her stories, have a first-hand testimony from someone he trusted almost blindly. Oya and he always had a better relationship, one where she was a little more open because he knew how to make her talk. They talked about family, about how far he was willing to go to save Dean and how far Dean was to save him. He told her about how upset he was to being brought back to life by Dean even when he made his peace with his own Death. He told her that rescuing him from Death and releasing the Darkness was both a moment he regretted and felt relieved it happened. He was well aware that the two of them could unleash hell if that meant saving each other and while he acknowledged it might have been toxic and irrational, Dean was his brother and he loved him. « Would you do it again ? » she asked, mesmerized by the devotion the brothers had for one another. « Yeah.. if you were in my shoes would you? » She pondered the question for a minute and then sighed deeply. « I think I would. If I could save my family, I would have gone through hell and back. But they're dead. » She said, eating her eggs and bacon. They looked at each other for a while before Sam added. « You're not alone you know? You have us. » Oya shrugged and drank some coffee. The idea seemed ridiculous but Sam was genuine. He did consider her his family. A little sister he never had, but Oya wasn't sure it was like that. She had a hard time believing anything anyway. He could be spitting it at her face, she would still not believe it until he hammered it down or she embraced it. After all, he wasn't Fabrice, none of the brothers were like this man and usually, anything they confessed or admitted was the absolute truth. « Do I? If you were in a life and death situation and you have to sacrifice me to save Dean or kill Dean to save me, we both know who would die. » She smiled and shrugged again. « I don't blame you. You have each other and I would want you to stay with each other. You wouldn't need to kill me to make that choice. I'll make it for you. » Sam looked at her and furrowed his brows. « It's not gonna happen. I won't have to choose between you and Dean. Or Cas for that matter. You're part of the team Free Will. » Was she?

She felt Dean's powerful arms wrap around her waist and pull her against his frame. He was no idiot and he heard her sniffle and try to muffle her cries. She was sad this morning but it wasn't due to a nightmare. She was genuinely sad and tried to hide it from him. Dean heard her gasp and felt her stiffen but she didn't fight him. She instead wrapped her arms around his. His face nuzzled her neck, burying his nose at the curve of it and a gentle grunt escaped from his lips. She had the brothers. She loved them both so much, to the point of actively trying to keep them away from her mess. Both noticed she was holding back her real thoughts, avoided to feel so she wouldn't panic or have a meltdown. She was holding it back and pretended to be casual. She, who kept saying to Dean that he didn't have to wear a mask when he was with her was still wearing hers. This morning, however, it was too much for Oya who couldn't keep herself from falling apart. She wanted a family more than ever. She needed to build herself back on solid ground.

She wanted to be happy, as happy as she could be. Sam asked her what made her happy once. How she pictured happiness. Oya answered some generic answer: « Riding her bike fast on the road without caring about speed limits ». The truth, however, was that she pictured Sam and Dean with her.. especially Dean. Every time she closed her eyes and needed some comfort or courage, it was his face that came to her mind. It was his smile, his tall presence, his warmth she thought about. It was his large hands grabbing her head when he kissed her that she thought about. It was him holding her when they were sleeping. He was making her happy. He was making her weak but it was a weakness she accepted in her heart, just not yet in her head. She shut her eyes tight, wondering how he'd feel to know she was half the person she could be ?.. Why was it SO scary? He accepted an angel for fuck sake and one who went hard and betrayed him several times. One who went AWOL and became a god and nearly killed them. One who accepted to be Lucifer's vessel for a while and sided with Amara. He had flaws and still, Dean loved him. Dean was flawed and still Sam and Castiel loved him. They were family..but she didn't know if she could join the club. She was just borrowing her place there, she was just...

« Hey.. hey. it's okay. It's okay Oya. » He whispered in her ear, feeling her sniffle harder and hold onto him tighter. « Let it go, let it all go. I'm here. »

« No.. no.. if I do. If I do, I won't stop. I don't.. want to feel it. » She said, sounding scared as he thought she actually was but Dean didn't let go. He held her tighter and kissed her head.

« It's okay. You're safe here, with me okay? » He said in her ear. He hated to see Oya distressed and even more that he didn't quite know what put her in such a situation, to begin with. He had been patient, as patient as Dean could be but after a while, he needed her to explain and to let him help her. He ran his hand through her hair, while she was kicking and crying out loud now that she allowed her heart to take it in and admit the pain. Everything around her failed. Everything around her died but after such a long time is no her own, meeting the Winchester was a beacon of light. They brought her back to life. Dean brought her back to life. All these little banters, the sleeping-together, his companionship gave Oya a new purpose in life, something to reach out for. He gave her a home, he made her want to stay and she desperately wanted to stay once Kalusha would be killed. She wanted to be part of his family. A new addition to the team, someone who would stick around until her time would come. She wanted it. She wanted him and it scared her. She was quite a package and part of her thought she would fit right in with the lunatics that made team free will. She would feel at home with those burden with grievance and pain. She would fit right here in his arms. He helped her calm down after she cried her tears and while she wiped her face clean, he turned her around and cupped her face. Her hazel eyes stared at him but she didn't move away from Dean.

« How d'you feel? »

« Better. » She said, nodding quietly while she put her hands on top of his.

« We need to talk Oya. That wasn't a nightmare. That was something that built-up, something you didn't want to feel. » She sighed and chewed at her bottom lip. He read through her like she was a book, and it was both amazing and annoying. Dean kept stroking her face, wiping fresh tears off of her face.

« I know... I don't...Dean I just. You've noticed I'm not comfortable talking about stuff right? » He nodded but his face was still very serious. He was still concerned.

« Yeah, but I need to know if you would wake up one day and have a repeat of today.  I need to be able to help. I need to know, don't shut me out Oya. It's not cute anymore. »

« I'm not looking forward to shutting you out Dean. I'm just. I'm scared it'll push you away. » She admitted, thinking that it sounded sillier than in her head. Dean reacted the same way as she expected him to. He scoffed at her words and shook his head. 

« Are you serious? Me ? Unless you killed innocent people and got off while doing it, I don't see a reason to have a different opinion about you. » He was genuine and it made her give her a crooked smile. « Now, Oya, what's the matter? »

« …...... » She sighed and closed her eyes to gather herself some courage. « I can't have children. I'm barren. I wasn't in the past but during a hunt that went wrong, I drank a magic-laced potion that took away my ability to conceive. My fiancé resented me, my family treated me differently so I stopped hunting. I hid at home. I lost my value as a woman when I lost the ability to have a child and I'm ashamed, Dean. I'm ashamed and broken and.... I didn't want you to think lesser of me because I can't. » He blinked several times at her words, his face hardening at the words he heard. He didn't need to have grown in the same country as she did to know how social pressure could break a mind. He didn't like the sound of her words, the fact she quit hunting because she felt she was not a woman, the fact she thought about it while being with him. It was making sense, but he decided to stop her from thinking like that.

« Stop it right there. Oya. You're not lesser because you can't conceive. I mean, hello! We're doing the nasty because you're hot, you're funny, you're YOU. Whether you can cook a bun in the oven or not doesn't make you less of the badass hunter you are. The fact I am with you has nothing to do with your ability to get preggo or not. I don't care about it. You're more than this, more than giving birth or whatever they want you to think you are. I ain't gonna be the dad of the year, didn't grow up with the Nobel prize of fatherhood but that doesn't mean I'm less.. » He trailed off. That sounded weird for him to say since he felt he didn't deserve to be loved or happy himself. He was about to lie to her in order to cheer Oya up and she picked that up. Of course, she was compelled to comfort him and she cupped his cheek with her free hand.

« I'm stopping you right there Dean. You..of all people are one of the best men I have ever met. You make me feel safe, you make me feel whole.... » She sighed and smiled at him. « You make me feel like I belong there, with that family of misfits and with you. I forbid you for even thinking you're not deserving of being loved. » He looked at her intensely and kissed her inner wrist.

« Now look at that. You're the one who's supposed to be comforted not me. »

« We could both use a little bit of uplifting don't you think? » She asked while her lips pressed against his for the briefest moment. « I woke up feeling like I didn't belong and shouldn't want to. »

« That's ridiculous Oya! Come on! »

« Hear me out, Dean. In my country, it is important to be whole, especially for a hunter. We stopped to be tools in the eyes of those who employed us and we became people the moment we built a family. I was raised taught that being a mother was the goal of my life and I wanted it. I wanted it for this, I wanted it because I was in love with Fabrice. Turned out, he literally left me to hunt when he found out I couldn't have children. I was nothing in his eyes so of course. I grew worried about you not wanting me because I was... different. » She then furrowed her brows as he shook his head.

« Never gonna happen eh! I won't ditch you out like this asshole because you can't have kids. You don't need kids to be a family! Look at me, Sam and Cas. And you should have seen us with Bobby! That son of a bitch was more of a father than our real dad ever was. You, are part of this family whether you like it or not so quit thinking you don't! quit thinking I will push you away Oya! Quit thinking you're not worth anything here. Cause guess what? You'll be damn wrong! » He wasn't angry, just confused as to why she would keep thinking that way despite him going out of his way to show her she was actually great? Or maybe it was just because Dean didn't know what to say to relieve her from her pain. He had never faced this situation before so he was tinkering around.

« Yeah ?..I'm a misfit too? »

« Fourth member of Team Free-Will yeah! » He said with a grin, while he pressed his lips against hers once again. Sharing a sweet kiss with her.

« Okay...I'm fine with that. »

« And that's all? » Dean was surprised by how quick she accepted his words. She gave him a soft smile and shook her head.

« Not really. I was trying to see what I would do once my brother's death. It had always been a big question of mine without an answer. I realized I had the answer a while ago but I wasn't ready. I wasn't sure until today. » He tensed at her words. She spoke like someone who would take off and Dean hated the idea of her leaving once her deed would be done. He couldn't stop her if she wanted out, he wouldn't try hard because he respected her decision but Dean was hoping she would stick around. She created new habits in his life and he wasn't ready to give up on them. Not yet. Not again but with his luck, Oya would surely just leave him. That was how his happy stories ended. With pain and suffering. So he prepared himself to hear the bad news.

« And what's the answer then? »

« I realize I was looking for a new home, for a fresh start after Fabrice died. I want to be happy again. I want to enjoy the life I have as much as possible. I lost everything and for a good while I thought I would never build anything again, up until. I met you. » She cupped both of his cheeks this time, as he was looking at her with an intense gaze. « Every time I try to picture my future... it's always with you Dean. » She confessed before she pulled her head away from his. Oya wasn't sure of how he would receive her words and be expecting him to reject her straight away. She didn't say anything, didn't ask him out, didn't name her feelings because she still hadn't addressed them but she knew she was happy with him and next to him and she wanted him to know that. « You don't need to say anything. I just wanted you to know that I found a home here, with you and Sam and I want to stay with you both and go on hunts with you. I like the life we have now and I want this, this is my future. This is where I want to be. I'm not going to run away anymore. »

« Good. You better not. » He pushed his head forward so he could capture his lips again « Now I have a good idea about how to brighten your mood. »

« Oh really? What is that? » She asked, her voice now a purr as he nibbled on her neck. He wasn't always affectionate but he knew Oya usually was in the morning -not to mention that he actually did like it and she needed a distraction. Both needed it because he heard her words, but didn't know what to make of these. His heart raced in his ribcage as she kissed him back and pulled him on top of her.

There was always a new path in life, one that was uncertain and off the book but a path worth walking. She finally reconciled the fact she couldn't have kids and the fact she still deserved to live a happy life and wasn't less of a woman this morning with Dean. She admitted to him that she chose to live her life with Castiel, Sam and him and she let it slip that she cared about him a lot. It was still a grey area and nebulous, but it didn't need to be anything for now. Dean didn't need to be more than he already was, a safe haven, her home, her future.

(TBC)