Oya don't let go

(Oya)

Don't let me go.

I am not the best at speaking my mind, let alone tell you how I feel. I sometimes want to sit you down and tell you each and every reason you should not have me around. I want to tell you about my nightmares involving your death, Sam's death and even Castiel's because of me. I sometimes want to tell you how toxic I am, how I bring death around me. I sometimes want to scream at you that you should not get attached because eventually, you will realize I am not that good and I make you more miserable than you already are.

Don't let me go.

When will the other shoe drop? Tomorrow? Tonight? In a year? The thought never leaves the back of my head because I have been allowed to be happy, In this fucking world at that. It's been going on for too long now, that happiness you make me feel, and I don't know how to handle this. I sometimes want to ask you why, why me? Why this bag of messy fucks instead of someone less damaged? Why pick me? Why when you know I couldn't mess you up even worse than you already are?

Don't let me go.

I am bullshitting my way out of happiness because truth to be told, it's harder to accept I deserve this than the end of a stick. Yet I cling to it, I am addicted to feeling good. I cannot spend one day without you in my life. I cannot imagine not waking up to you, not texting you, not working with you. Do you understand? You have to because I will never tell you. You have to understand I picked you. I chose you. I....see you. There is no room for someone else in the ruins that Is my heart and there will never be. I will never let go of you because no matter how much you struggle against the very same thing, I know you don't want to go either. So I won't let go. So you're stuck with me, in this bitch of a world and I have to say, it seems pretty good.