GoT : Regular: Spiraling

GoT : Regular: Spiraling

A/N: Sometimes Bäahal wonders if her little "desire" isn't hurting those around her, but it sometimes 

xxx

Bäahal took a liking to take long walks mostly because they helped her rest her mind and relax. It had been weeks now since her return to the castle, and she was able to visit more places than just the garden or the dragons' den. She was able to take longer walks within the walls of the Red Keep, spend more time with her sister and with Jon and of course, occasionally speak with Tyrion. He seemed to have been less tense since the princess had been seen outside and had started to talk to her sister. He seemed to appreciate the efforts she was making, but he knew how much it did cost her. The princess was devastated by the first reception to the news of her love for the knight and the fact he reciprocated these feelings too. Yet, she didn't give up. The silver princess was stubborn and Tyrion knew she wouldn't give up on his brother this easily. She couldn't.

Bäahal was well aware of her own stubbornness and while she did question herself a few times, she never regretted this personality trait. It was what drove her, what helped her survive all those years when she was still enslaved. She couldn't claim to never be wrong and she never claimed that the cursor was never misplaced -after all, she did want to die for Daenerys, thinking her life had only meaning if she sacrificed it.- but she sometimes knew that she was right. Loving Jaime was right. Fighting for this love was right and she refused to give up on him and give up on them. When she thought of it, did she actually listen to what was said to her? She remembered when Jaime was trying to push her away, making sure that she would stay away from him. She remembered leaving Highgarden, defeated and unable not to love him.

She remembered trying really hard to move forward, to do as he said but always her heart brought her back to him. If he didn't love her, then she would love him from afar. The princess was ready to live a life where her love was unrequited but she would at least be able to look after him. Her desire to protect the man was greater than her ability to accept love from a stranger. Maybe all of this was wrong, maybe she was putting him through way too much. Her stubbornness was also selfish in nature and this morning, Bäahal realized that her own desires put those she loved at risk. By loving Jaime and refusing to give up on him she was potentially putting her friend Lady Kyra and Jaime at risk of being executed by her sister. Dany was known for her wrath, she was known for her reckless decisions and one bad move from Bäahal and there would be nothing left of the house Lannister. 

The realization wiped the smile from her face, as she was starting to feel guilty. Yes, maybe she should have listened to Jaime and stayed in her cabin for the night but being far away from him was asking too much from her. Being far away from the knight when it was possibly the only moment they could share was hurting Bäahal, so she didn't listen to him, so she stormed into his cabin as she always did and she cried her love for him. He could have said no. He had resolved, he was determined but could only last if she walked the walk with him. Instead, she forced him to have a taste of what it could have been if they were together. She had them sleep in the same bed, she had them kiss a true kiss. Her eyes filled themselves with unshed tears, once again because of Jaime but this time mostly because of her own actions. Tyrion was anxious, and he had good reasons to be. He had tried to warn her off of this road, in order to protect both his brother and the princess from heartache but she didn't listen.

Lady Kyra herself told her that they should probably not be together, at least not without her sister's blessing and what did Bäahal do? She went ahead and still managed to spend time with the knight, crossing a line she shouldn't have, making it impossible for both of them to return to simply wishing the best to each other from a distance. Her selfishness was now apparent and the princess felt her heartbreak. Why did she have to hurt those around her? With her simple actions, she hurt everyone, from Daenerys to Jaime, from Lady Kyra to Jon Targaryen. From simply wanting to live her love story, she added pressure and pain to an already delicate situation, fueling the fire with her wild emotions. Could it be that she was bad? A demon? The thought crossed her mind as doubt was settling in her heart. Perhaps she was bad, perhaps she caused the deaths of those around her, perhaps she should have died a long time ago or remained in a life she at least knew. As her mind wandered and she was starting to see things with a distorted vision, Bäahal shook her head and stopped walking.

Just a few steps away was Jaime who was walking, again, towards the war room. Since she was leaving her private quarters more often, they were able to see each other a little more and exchange a smile, a nod, and he would sometimes stop by and have a conversation with her. Those moments were highlights of her day, reminding her that she wasn't doing this for nothing and wasn't being selfish at all. Those moments reminded her that she actually cared for someone else but her and she was already sacrificing a lot in order for them to be happy. She was ready to keep her distance between her and Jaime if that meant saving his life. She was willing to let her sister decide for her future and was willing to keep things to herself if that was needed. She agreed not to see him as often as she wished when they were at the Red Keep. She agreed to keep the memories of them together in the boat and cherish them until the very end if that was all that they could have. But on top of this, she also learned that she had the right to be happy.

Jaime made her happy, and was the only thing she could positively say she wanted for herself. Wanting to be with him didn't make her a bad person, it didn't make her a dangerous person who destroyed everything around her. That was false. That was twisted, and that was her panicked heart that wanted to make things easier for others and take the risk of making things harder for herself. Wasn't she already sacrificing enough? Couldn't she wish to have something just for herself? Well, she could and she did. As her body warmed up next to Jaime's, the young Targaryen gently waved at him, her cheeks turned a darker shade that indicated that he still made her blush, even now, and a soft smile on her lips. It was a simple gesture, but one that filled the knight with as much joy as it did fill the princess' heart. He resumed walking, fastening his walk towards the war room but seeing each other was enough to fuel their love for each other, And just like that, the parasitic thoughts just vanished and she was able to breathe again. 

-TBC-