Desire.
"How long have you wanted to fuck my brother" Ada's crude words made Mary blush hard. Could she truly pinpoint the moment she felt desire for Tommy? It all became a blur after John's death, mostly because that led Mary and Tommy to share a bed that night. That led to them dealing with their grief the only way they knew how to, through sex. It didn't feel personal, mostly because it wasn't. Yet, Mary had been in love with him before that fateful day. The young woman could remember quite easily that following Grace's death, as soon as Tommy took her to his house, she started to see him in a different light.
Mary's love and Mary's lust had not always been in harmony. Was it lust she felt first or was it, Love? She couldn't say and she didn't want to think about it. It didn't matter if she got flustered when their eyes met. It didn't matter if she could feel her chest heave up and down whenever he was close to her frame and she could feel the scent of tobacco, alcohol, and perhaps metal. It didn't matter when. All that mattered was how intense that was. Ada sometimes joked with Mary about seeing her combust someday because of her frustration and the lack of attention her brother had. Truth be told, Ada wasn't so far off the truth. Mary did desire, Tommy.
She spent countless nights vicariously trying to relieve the tension that had built up during the day. She tried to explore her body which was aching for the older man in ways only she knew. Her fingers were helpless. Her hunger for him was hopeless. She needed him. In the confines of her room, Mary begged Tommy to end her suffering and take her instead. She wanted him to take her with the passion she knew he had in him. She wanted him to punish her for the bad and unholy thoughts she had for the man during the day and at night. It was in vain, for her hunger grew more intense as she tried to satisfy herself. Her nights were spent with the vision of Tommy's chiseled face, and her hands tracing the lines of his cheeks. Her room allowed for her moans to echo through the walls while she tried to imagine it was him who was taking her and not her who was doing it to herself.
She needed to hear him say her name, claim her body as his, marking her skin with his so everyone would know she was his. Her mind was driving Mary crazy, and her body was feverishly trying to cope with her desire for Tommy Shelby, but it was in vain. Mary was frustrated. She wanted to let her fingers run into his thick black locks. She wanted to moan his name, to let him know that he was making her feel good. She wanted to bite his shoulder as he would hit her sweetest spot. But there was more than just the flesh. She knew it. There was more than just a mere desire to fuck Tommy Shelby. She wanted to scream her love to him.
Her words were stuck in her throat, ready to be said. "I love you, Tommy. I am in love with you Tommy. Do you understand?" she wished to tell him, green eyes upon blue ones, her breath against his skin. her heart beating fast in her ribcage. She wanted to let him know that she wanted him. a life with him. Life as his wife and the mother of his child. stepmother to be precise since she didn't want to replace Grace. She wanted to be made into an honorable married woman with children. she wanted Tommy's babies. Yet, her dreams and desires were lost somewhere in her mind. Her mouth forever shut down because she didn't want to rush into something that would break her heart. she didn't want to hurt herself with feelings he would reject. So she kept it at the tip of her tongue and held back.... held back... held back for now. Ada knew, Polly, Arthur, hell, the whole world knew the truth that Tommy and Mary kept from each other and yet... yet... Mary wasn't sure about his feelings for her. She wasn't sure he wanted the same thing. She was afraid he might reject her. She was in limbo and they both knew it.
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