Distance

It is safer, to put a distance between others and me. How could it not?

Some would say I am trying to protect myself from the pain I have experienced before.

In a way, it's not false. I do not want to be in pain the way I used to be. 

I'm scared of running into abusive people again and experience the physical and emotional violence.

I'm scared of going through the same ordeal over and over again and yet...

I feel as if I had to go through all of this as if it was a punishment of some sort.

Yeah silly I know. 

But this is how I feel and I can't shake this feeling off of my mind. 

I deserve the pain. I deserve to go and roam this Earth and suffer until the day I die.

It feels as if I had to pay for some crime I committed in the past; I am making amends am I not?

Otherwise, how could I explain the way I feel? How could I explain all the bad decisions I make?

All of them? Starting with the fact I am staying alive? Ah..or the fact I am resisting Death?

How tempting that knife is more and more. How tempting those pills are, more and more.

But I am resisting, as far as I can go. I stretch myself thin every time I am holding onto life.

Yeah... Silly, I know.

But this is how I feel and I can't shake this feeling off of my mind.

The worst would probably come to the fact that I am convinced I am hurting people.

I am convinced that my mere presence is enough to destroy everything around me.

I am convinced that I cannot grow anything, I cannot make anything, I can only destroy.

I am convinced that I am a waste of space, of skin, of air and that I can only hurt those around me.

Yeah, that's how I feel, that's how I deeply feel. I cannot communicate that trail of thoughts enough.

I cannot make people understand or sit through with me and take it in. 

How do you tell people you want to die?

How much of it is the mental illness and how much of it is just me?

I used to believe that it was all /me/ but turns out it actually was my mental illness playing tricks 

I actually don't want to die -or so they tell me- but I have urges..dark urges that drag me down.

It's a constant effort, not being drawn to the knife, the pills, bleaching products or whatever poisons

It's a constant effort trying to remain lucid, clear-minded and to center myself whenever I feel like it.

Like I want the pain to go away permanently  -because I want the pain to go- like I want it to end.

I'm scared, yeah.. silly I know.

How do you talk to people about it?

You simply don't. You keep it to yourself and you endure like an adult.

You use unhealthy coping mechanism because you know damn well that you can't deal with it.

I can't deal with the pain, thinking about it is making me feel so scared and hurt and I don't want it.

So I bury my feelings and pretend everything is okay, pretend I have everything under control

And everybody is buying, mostly because it's easier to believe it than to see the truth for what it is.

They can't help. They would be overwhelmed with fear, guilt, shame maybe. They would be lost.

They can't help and even if they wanted to, they would make me feel even more guilty than I do.

So I keep going.

I endure it, willingly, knowing full well that I won't make it for a long time or maybe I will.

Maybe I would suffer until the day I die OR I would die when the pain would be too much to bear.

Who knows?

So yes, I put some distance between people and me, because it's easier for everyone.

It's easier for me because I wouldn't have to watch them feel sorry for me.

It's easier for them because they wouldn't have to know what I have in my head and in my heart.

The less they know, the better.

The more distance there is, the best it is

I think so.