// I love these two. Just so fucking much. my sweet JB. poor tormented souls
xxxxxx
The princess bit her bottom lip. Both hands were on the heavy wooden door of Jaime Lannister's front door. She wanted to break into his room and spend the night there. How could she when it was clearly forbidden for her to do so? It was a tacit rule for the princess to follow. Until Daenerys gave her blessings for the new pairing, they were to stay apart from one another and behave properly. It was difficult for Bäahal not to storm into Jaime's bedroom, to talk to him, touch him or kiss him. She did promise him that she would follow any of her sister's orders. She was loyal to the queen and to the House of Targaryen and duty would always come before her own emotions and needs. That didn't mean she wouldn't suffer for it and on a night like this one, her pain was too much to bear.
She drank herself to oblivion and got a massive headache as a result. She could just knock on his door, force it open, anything really to see his face. She could scream and shout and be upset all she wanted so Jaime could open the door but where would that take her? Bäahal was drunk but she still had some control over herself. She couldn't open that damn door. She couldn't see the love of her life that was behind that heavy door. She had to stay with herself and follow orders. Commander Snow was very clear, Bäahal couldn't go with Jaime because her survival had to become their asset. She had to stay in the Red Keep and wait for Jon and Jaime to return from a risky mission. Daenerys got to spend one last night with Jon and she got to enjoy her husband one last time before he left but Bäahal didn't. She couldn't. It was forbidden.
"Fuck... Fuck fuck fuck fuck... I want to come inside." -She finally lamented, gently rubbing the door and making enough noise for Jaime to hear and slowly walk to the door.
His heart was pounding into his ribcage. He knew he wouldn't open the door no matter how badly he wanted to do so. His determination already dissolved when Bäahal forced the door of his cabin and spoke her heart out. How could he reject her when she pleaded with the gods to be with the man she was in love with? How could he reject her when she was crying? he couldn't see her face due to the darkness of his cabin but he didn't need to. The princess had already cried so much in front of him that he could imagine the face she was making at this moment.
Tonight was different. Tonight, she had stopped herself from pushing his door open. She had stopped herself from even calling out for him. She didn't know that he was behind the door, attentive, barely breathing as he wanted to hear her voice. She had no idea that he was actually close to her, ready to answer her very demands, ready to open the goddamn door if she pleaded him to. He was weak, she made him weak in the knees and he knew that if she knew how to ask, he would give into her. Tonight, he was listening to the princess, his whole body ready to welcome her in his arms.
"Jaime... I promised Jon I wouldn't disobey and wouldn't follow you on your dangerous mission. It terrifies me to let you go on your own because this could be the last time we see each other. I wanted to... I wanted to see you despite everything and hug you, kiss you, sleep in your bed before tomorrow but I won't be doing it. I promised you I would behave once we land at King's landing. I promised you I would behave and I will keep my promise..." She slowly started to sob, it was faint but Jaime picked that up and that broke his heart. "I was allowed 5 minutes tomorrow to say goodbye to you. 5 minutes where I wouldn't be able to touch or hug or even kiss you. 5 minutes instead of nothing... I guess I should be happy with this but I am not. I am so sad... I am hurting... I think it's unfair that nobody wants to see us together but we promised.. we promised and we would do accordingly.."
She sobbed harder, he could hear her clearly now. she had her forehead pressed against the heavy wooden table and he could hear the scratches of her nails, the heavy breathing, the hiccups because she was drunk... everything. Bäahal's alcoholic behavior was to be with no more restraint. She was honest and blunt. She was speaking her heart out and acted as she truly wanted to without boundaries. To have enough restraint when she was lamenting about wanting to do otherwise, proved that her deepest desire was to keep her promises. She wouldn't open that door and wouldn't ask Jaime to do so.
"I don't even know if you're awake. it's so late... Maybe you won't listen to me but it's alright. I'm just vomiting my words to you, as always...." -She closed her eyes.- "Jaime. You have to come back to me. You have to stay alive. You have to. I know you want me to go and find younger and fancier knights. I know you want me to have a better life with someone who would be worthy of me but guesses what, you are this person. you are my choice.. you are my choice and I don't want anyone else. I know, I know that you're probably the most hated man of Westeros and I know that plenty of people won't approve of my choice but... but I know you. I love you. I love all of you. and it kills me to be denied the opportunity to be with you. it kills me... Jaime... it kills me to not be with you." -She said sobbing louder now- "It kills me to not be able to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you... It kills me to not be able to kiss your lips and look you in your eyes in public. It kills me to have to hide my love for you and pretend that I am not affected when all I want to do is cry rivers. it kills me.. it kills me that the only thing I've ever wanted is denied...oh Jaime...Jaime... I want to say goodbye properly, I want to spend the night here with you but I won't be doing so because I promised you that I will comply... I will comply...."
She was now seriously crying and Jaime wanted nothing more but to open that goddamn door and pull her into a tight hug. it broke his heart to hear her cry and keep that door closed. it killed him to not be able to bring her comfort and to be responsible for her pain and distress. She might not see things this way but he did. By loving him, the princess was hurting herself and tonight was further proof that she was, indeed, suffering because of him. The knight felt a pang in his heart and touched the door where he believed her forehead was -missing it by a couple inches- He wanted to speak but he chose not to, so she could empty her heart the way she wanted. She sobbed and wiped her tears with the back of her hand.
"I will be going to my room, beloved. But please, even if I can't do more tomorrow, know that I love you more than anything Jaime. you are my everything. you are the love of my life and if my body can't touch yours tomorrow, my soul would. My soul would. Remember this.."
She said as she left the hallway and went back to her bedroom. Jaime sighed deeply as soon as he was sure she had left the place and returned to his bed. How could he sleep now? How could he sleep when he knew that she was crying her eyes out? How could he, when he wanted to alleviate her heart and soothe her pain? Jaime looked at the windows of his room and cursed himself and everything under his breath. Fuck... fuck everything. How could he be responsible for so much pain, even after everything he had already paid? Why would the sweet Bäahal know pain and tears when she should be laughing and smiling? Fuck everything!
-TBC-
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