I don't know how I feel

" I don't know how I feel."

Chaos. There is chaos in one's head. Sometimes she didn't know what was going on in her head. She couldn't understand the pain that was holding her in a chokehold. She didn't know where it came from, and why it didn't stop. She didn't know how to soothe the ache in her heart nor how to describe it.  Chaos, there is chaos in one's head and the dreaded emptiness that swallowed everything inside her. It sucked the joy off of the memories she had, emphasized the distress of other memories, and sent her body into an acute "flight or fight mode." Where did the danger come from? what kind of danger was it? She was blinded by everything she was feeling at once and nothing at the same time. 

"I don't know how I feel, and I don't know what to do with it."

Sometimes there is no answer. Sometimes the only thing to do is to leave it alone. It's to accept that sometimes you would not be able to have an answer to everything. Sometimes, it doesn't matter, at least, not when chaos is happening. She thought that the only thing she could do was to seek the company of those she loved and those who loved her too. Talking to them, listening to them, and allowing them to embrace her heart and soul was the only thing that could soothe her heart. It was the only thing that could silence the voices in her head, and chase away the fear that had crept into her heart. 

Love. Love....How could someone love her? how could she find her place in this world? Everything felt as if she would be forgotten and thrown in a bin because she was too complicated, or too hard to handle. Sometimes, it felt as if the people she loved would end up hating her because she wasn't the person they loved anymore... or she had never been loved to begin with. Parasitic thoughts! Overwhelming thoughts. How could she reach out to those she loved when fear crippled her? How could she reach out and ask for a hug when the only thought she had in mind was how much she'd bother them and didn't deserve their love. 

Sometimes she hated her brain and the way it kept telling her that she should just be gone, permanently, so at least she wouldn't be a burden to the people she loved. So they could have a better life.. because yes, her brain was not rational. her brain was not logical. her brain was... her brain was her worst enemy. the worst at decoding her emotions. The worst at listening to the truth. the worst at loving her. She was the worst for herself and shame and guilt made it way too difficult for her to speak those words. Perhaps, perhaps they would feel better if I wasn't here. perhaps they didn't miss me. perhaps they would cheer when I'm gone. Why would they love / me/? why would they care about me? 

And the cycle of lies keeps going. 

And the cycle of self-hatred keeps going.

And she's tired of this, tired of herself, of everything. 

But love... love keeps her afloat. Love, true love, saves her. 

Love.. true love is everything she needs.