Tuesday, May 10, 2022

Mary (PB): What do you think when you look at him?

Mary (to Lizzie): "You think you know him. You think you care about him, but Lizzie you don't. what you care about is you and only you. what you care about is a Thomas Shelby who doesn't exist. you claim you love the gangster but you want him to make you proper. you want him to erase your past as a whore as if it was something you should be ashamed of. you did what you had to do to survive and nothing is going to erase this shit. You wanna know what I see when I look at Tommy? I see the man I could take a fucking bullet for. I see a man who needs comfort, protection, and someone who understands him. I think about how I could help soothe his mind and keep him alive so he could see his son grow up. I think about how I could help him to the best of my ability. I think about the rest of the family too. there's more than just Tommy Shelby. there is his family too who I happen to love as mine.  and you wanna know something. when I look at him, I think about how good it is when he fucks me. I get to sleep in his bed, I get to live in his house and he gets to moan my name when he's fucking me unlike all the times he fucked you wishing you were someone else.  he soothes me and showed me that God has not forsaken me because he gave me somebody to love. So, keep your nasty tongue into your fucking mouth and stop trying to make me leave this man cause it's never gonna happen."


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Mary (To Polly):  "Poll...Polly. you know damn well what I am thinking when I look at Tommy.  You know how hard my heart beats when I set my eyes on him. You know I have studied his face enough to know how he feels without having him spell it out to me. I know every little crease, every little smirk, every eye twitch...Polly... when I look at him, I wish he was my first husband. I wish he was the man I gave everything to, but I can't. we can't go back in time, Polly.  Aaah...Tommy fucking Shelby stole my heart, that's what I am thinking about when I look at him. I can't imagine living without him. I can't imagine another man in my heart but him. What does that make me, Polly? I don't know. I don't know what that feeling is, but I know that I would give everything for him. But...I am not going to accept everything. I'm not going to let him stick his dick everywhere and consider me as nothing but a prop, or a hole to fill. I am more than just a girl to fuck you know? I refuse to be just a girl he can fuck when wants. I might not have the name, I might not have a family, and I am not a Shelby but I damn right can go head to head with one. uh... what do I think when I look at him? I think about running my fingers through his hair, while he reads the newspapers. I want to sing lullabies to him so he could sleep well at night. I want to protect him from his nightmares at night. Do you think I am losing myself to him? come on, Polls. you know that he also gives me something. I feel seen... protected... cared for. I mean something to him, whether he wants to admit it or not. I mean something. he makes me feel that I am part of this family and he makes me feel like a woman. I don't have much in this life, but he is my everything and I am going to make him feel like it!"


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Mary to Tommy: "You want me to tell you what I have in mind when I look at you, eh? You want me to tell you how I feel when I set my eyes on you? I don't think you want to know. I don't think you want me to say it because I know you don't think the same.  you don't think the same because if you did, there would be no May. there would be no Lizzie. there would be no other woman in your bed but me.  So, I will go ahead and let you know what I think when I look at you. I will let you know and you won't say anything to me. Don't you dare say anything to me because I don't want you to tear me apart! I don't want you to tell me what I already know. You don't get to break my heart with your words, okay? let me do it for you. let me do it to myself so I stay in my lane. Because... when I look at you, I want to wrap my arms around you. I think about how much I want to see you smile. I want to comfort you at night and make sure you have no more nightmares. I want to sing you lullabies, with a hand running through your scalp. I want...you to be happy. that's what I am thinking about. I want to be a part of that happiness too, but I know I will never be. I know... but still. I see you and I want to kiss you. I want to cook you lovely meals. I want to raise your son and protect him. I want...I think about how sweet you are when you are sleeping. I think about you and Charlie as my family. I think about you as my family... and the Shelbys as my family. I look at you and I see an exhausted man who had sacrificed everything and who needs to be told that he is alright. that he did right. that he is loved. and you are loved. you are so loved Tommy... I ... I ... CHrist. I am an idiot ain't I? I am stupid, you can say so...you can say so...but I want you to be happy and if that is without me, then so be it.  I just want you to be happy... oh Tommy.. fuck you, Tommy! Fuck you and your beautiful blue eyes. Fuck you and your suave voice that makes me weak in the knee, and the kisses you give me. fuck you and how good you feel inside of me. fuck Thomas Shelby's cock and the way you look at me when you say my name. fuck you and the fact you make me crave that fucking cock. Fuck you and the fact I fell in love with you.... fuck you for making me love you while you knew you couldn't love me...I am stupid... I know...so don't you dare mock me. don't you dare fucking mock me?"

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