"I cannot put into coherent words how he makes me feel. I already know I have never been this happy before. I thought I knew what love was when I was with Fabrice, but I realized that I knew nothing. It wasn't Love.
With Fabrice, nothing was risky. We knew each other since we were children. We knew we were promised to one another, it all seemed seamless.It all happened according to a plan right? I was comfortable in this relationship because he knew me and I knew him -or so I thought-. I draped myself with comfort my whole life because that was something I knew, someone I knew and our parents before us had paved the way for us to follow.
It all went to shit when I lost the ability to conceive; That's when I saw his true face and that's when I saw our "love" wasn't love. It was a convenience for both of us. I cared about him, enough to be hurt when he turned his back on me but it wasn't Love.
With Dean.. things are different. It's risky, it's hard, it's complicated. It's me being afraid of losing him. It's me being afraid of infecting him with my toxicity. It's me being afraid of... being afraid of being happy. I don't know what true happiness feels like. You see, every time he holds my hand or runs his fingers through my hair and look at me, I feel it. I feel this impossible feeling from deep within that overwhelms me. I keep thinking "whoa, I love this man. I don't ever want to not wake up next to him. I wish it could be like this forever" type of thoughts. I keep thinking to myself "whoaw girl. Now you're very lucky. Look at all those smiles in your heart. Look at all those heartbeats you're skipping. That's what it feels like to be loved back for real?" Yeah.. that's how it feels like.
With Dean, I know it's real love because I often wonder why I feel so much more whenever he's near. I was wrong, he doesn't complete me because I was always myself. He boosts me, we become something bigger and better together. That's how he makes me feel. Our love.. my love for him grows as time goes by and I can feel it, the castle we're building with our broken hands. I know it's love because I can feel my stomach churn at the thought something bad could happen to him, especially when we're not hunting together. I can feel the fear creep into my heart whenever Castiel mentions Crowley or Lucifer. I am aware of what he's been through and I am heartbroken because I can't help him forget, I can't soothe his pain... I mean how can you soothe memories of having been in hell?. All I can do, is walk with him, endure with him the consequences of such traumas and do my best so he could feel my love for him, pray that it is enough so he would see a little bit of light in his tunnel.
Because he is mine. You see? In my world of darkness, he was the beacon of light and despite him saying he is not and I'm mistaken, I know what I'm talking about. That's how I feel about him. He's this precious light in the darkness, the one that if it goes away, would end up killing me.. not in the literal sense of the word, but I would never recover from this.
I could never recover from losing him. That's how much I love him. I signed for this and I'll own that bitch until I die. I love this man.. I'm in fucking love with him..."
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