DOYA : The best thing

DOYA: The best thing

A/N: By popular demand (lmao), no, not popular demand but those who've been following this SL kept asking for something sweet (I'm looking at you L.) and it's a very nice change of pace/mood compared to last week! I might come off as a heartless bitch, but I'm a stupid romantic at heart who happens to love broken characters:o sue me! All usual disclaimers

Xxxxxxx

She couldn't sleep that night, so she decided to wake up early and resume doing some research. They were tracking a potential werewolf nest which was supposed to be an easy hunt right? Yet these werewolves were quite difficult to find, which only added to the frustration Oya was feeling that night. She already missed her brother to the point it was difficult to hold herself back -and she had been holding back for a couple of days now-, she didn't quite know what to do with her life now that the Asanbosam was destroyed but she was certain of one thing and one thing only. She wanted to stay with the Winchesters. She tapped her fingers on the small desk provided by their motel room and stared at a sleeping Dean that was lightly snoring on the bed hey shared. He was still wearing the necklace she gave him a couple of nights ago during a date she planned for the two of them. He never took it off, not even for a minute and it made her smile internally because she knew it meant something for him. He wasn't a man of words but his very actions were enough for her to know how he felt about her.

Oya pulled her left leg up so her foot could rest on the chair while the other foot would stay on the floor. She had her arm wrapped around her knee and was typing on the computer when her gaze drifted away. It would have been Kalusha's birthday, he would have pushed 40 years old by now and would have been married with probably the twins he'd always wanted to have. Flashes of previous conversations she had with her brother came to her mind and she bit her upper arm to prevent herself from screaming. Kalusha was that overprotective, loud-mouth, boasting brother one could have. He was a brilliant and caring man, always ahead of the game and well-versed in magic, he would have loved Dean and Sam. He would have wanted to go on adventures with them, discover European monsters and sharpen his hunter skills. He would have gotten along very well with Sam and maybe he would have approved of her and Dean? He didn't like Fabrice and always told Oya that he was « bad news » but the African hunter refused to listen to the warning signs and blinded by her love for the man, she simply decided to get engaged with him. Today, if Kalusha was still alive, he would have cussed out Fabrice and would have even kicked his ass himself. With Dean, they would have gotten along well enough, she believed. He would have respected his capability as a hunter, the fact he was very family oriented, the fact he was loyal and stubborn and protective. He would have liked the way Dean handled kids but most importantly, he would have liked the way he handled her. Dean respected her and treated her well... he did right by her and Kalusha would have been happy. He would have seen his sister smile again, laugh and love again...

She let a sob escape from her lips and tried to muffle the following sobs with a hand over her mouth. Oya held back as much as she could but it was just too heavy for her to keep it inside, so she gave up and started to sob in silence. Dean was sleeping, he wouldn't notice if she was crying on her own she thought to herself. Yet he did. Dean was used to her weight on the bed and not feeling her by his sides alarmed the older Winchester brother who woke up a few minutes after she started to sob in silence. She never cried in front of him, except when it was to celebrate her mother's anniversary or when she told him about being barren. She would make a scene, be angry or sassy but would keep her tears to herself. Dean sighed and sat on the bed, hoping that maybe she would notice him but she didn't. She kept sobbing and leaned her chin on top of her knee while her black locks cascaded on her face. He pulled a chair next to her and sat by her. She noticed him and sucked at her bottom lip.

« Are you alright? » He asked. It was a rhetorical question given how hard she was sobbing, but she wiped her tears off of her face and nodded at him.

« I'm fine Dean. Just.. just missing my brother you know ?. With the possession and hunt and all of that, I never quite got the time to mourn for him. I miss him but he had a great life, he was a great soul so I'm very sure he's somewhere in heaven. » She said as she kept wiping out her tears. « It's just... I wish he could have met you and Sam. He would have loved this life. »

« I'm sure he would. If I can see what the sister can do, I'm sure the brother was at least as badass as you are. » He said, briefly flashing a soft smile at her. Oya smiled and gently held Dean's hand between her smaller ones.

« He would have respected you as a hunter and as a man. He would have because of the way you're treating me. » She said, gently stroking the back of his hands with her thumbs. Dean felt uncomfortable, mostly because he knew Oya had her way with words. She didn't give big speeches often but when she did, it always disarmed the older Winchester brother. He looked at their hands and at her soft smile as she looked at him. Her hazel eyes were still wet from the fresh tears she cried but in this instant, she looked at peace, appeased to be more precise. The African hunter held his hands tighter and pulled them towards her so she could give them a kiss.

« Oya... I'm not treating you anything special. You are family, I'm treating you as such. »

« I know. I know Dean. » Oya said releasing his hands and wrapping hers around her knee. She wiped her face clean with her left hand and took a deep breath. « Still... It is more than I expected. Aha.. He would have played the big brother know? How ? He would have come to you and threatened you to treat me kindly and not hurt me as if I was your lady. » She chuckled at the idea of her brother warning Dean about not hurting Oya. « Well, truth be told, he would have warned you not to be hurt by me. Because he was an asshole like that. » She shook her head and moistened her lips. Dean chuckled at the thought too. That was only in movies and tv shows, he never had a big brother coming to him and threaten him about hurting any of the flings he had in the past, so it would have been odd for him if Kalusha had done that. It might even have been funny and he would have taken him to grab a beer and talk guys-talk as if it was not much of a big deal. It wasn't a big deal, Oya and him, weren't dating so this conversation would never happen.

« Yeah? I'm sure we would have traded guys stories while drinking a cold one. »

« Yeah, you would have. With him gone, I had the time to think about us. » She said still wiping out tears that kept rolling down her cheeks.

« Yeah? »

« Yeah... it's not a big deal. I mean, nothing you don't know already. It took me his death to realize how much I cared about him and I don't want to wait until you're dead or me for that matter, to realize how much I care about you. » She smiled through her tears and yanked her head back.

« …. » His face became a lot more somber as he listened to her words carefully. Oya was a pro at sneaking words that referred to her will to die or a future she didn't see. He didn't want her to come again with that kind of conversation where she wouldn't value herself enough to keep on living. He had wondered if she even realized how much of a big deal it was for him whenever she spoke so nonchalantly about giving her life to save his? Did she realize how much he hated to listen to her talk about herself as cannon fodder? Or a bait or some sacrificial lamb for the « greater good ? ». He already hated it when Sam or Castiel started to plan their deaths to save the world, He hated it even more when it was her because he knew she was motivated by guilt and pain rather than by the « sense of duty ». He knew she wanted to waste her life away, doing something heroic for the looks of it, but actually punishing herself. « Oya! »

« Hear me out Dean, please. I'm not talking about anything negative here. I am just... it's just.  I have been thinking about my brother and about how great he would think life here would be. I just..we would have talked him and I, about my life here... about what I love here... And I would have told him that I love living in this country and by your sides. » She cleared her throat and then grabbed his hand again. «  I would have told him how proud I am to be part of the family.. and how..differentyou make me feel. These hands...These hands have only known destruction and pain. I was convinced the only thing I could do was... I was convinced the only thing I could do was destroying shit, family, friendships, innocent victims.I thought that I would never be able to build anything. » She started but her throat tightened and she swallowed a lump. She held his hands tighter and chewed at her bottom lip for a second.

« Oya... » Dean tried to say something, but he couldn' think of anything. What do people say after something so huge said to them? He wasn't used to hearing those words, to seeing someone who cared about him so much that she was able to lay it out. He tried to rationalize it, thinking that maybe it had to do with her just mourning her brother, but Oya never said anything she didn't think so he knew it was heartfelt. He knew she meant her words and somehow, it scared him. It really scared him. She didn't ask anything from him which wasn't the usual way, they always wanted something after a while. He knew it deep down, she would maybe get tired of waiting and would leave him or maybe she would not understand why he didn't return her feelings straight away or... maybe she was sincere and patient and understanding and he didn't deserve to be loved, or taken care of, or whatever positive that could happen to him. He didn't want to grow attached to her and then lose her so he stiffened at her words.

« Then I met you. I met you and my whole world changed. And suddenly those hands weren't just made to destroy shit. With you... whenever I hold you...I feel like I can build. What I'm trying to say, Dean is that. You...It's that I... it's Thank you. » She said as she released his hands and put them on each of her knees. He blinked and then looked down at his hand for a solid minute. Silence fell upon them but it didn't feel awkward at all. She said what she had to say and just looked at him to make sure he was okay. Her hazel eyes studied his face and she then patted his thigh. « You don't have to say anything.  I just wanted... I just wanted to get it off of my chest, you know? » She said before she stood up and tried to leave so he might have some room to breathe. She knew he didn't want love, he didn't want to deal with it and respected his decision not to dig deeper or talk about it. She sighed and was ready to go back to bed when he grabbed her hand. Oya eyes widened and she looked down at him, unsure of what he wanted to do but Dean pulled her back onto his lap and wrapped his powerful arm around her tiny frame. She gave Dean space, ultimately whenever confronted with a situation like this one, The ebony hunter always gave him space and retreated somewhere she wouldn't be a bother to him. Dean didn't want her far away from him, he didn't want to have the feeling of missing her, ever. He wanted her here with him so Dean cupped Oya's left cheek and looked at her hazel eyes.

« ….Dean... » She gasped as he stroked her cheek with his thumb. He looked at her intensely, seeing how panic was slowly starting to overwhelm her. He gently leaned his forehead against hers and let his fingers cup the back of her neck. « Dean... It's okay. it's okay really. I don't need you to say anything, I am not asking for anything but I... » He cupped her other cheek with his free hand, thus holding her head in between his. « What are you doing? » She asked, this time a bit afraid. She didn't know what he had in mind but knew she was safe with him. He might say something she wouldn't like or he might do something she might not like and the endless possibilities. He was a grey area, even to this day because she didn't know where he stood except he wasn't at her level. She could see the panic in his eyes and it fueled her own but Oya decided to take it upon herself so she could calm the Winchester older brother. « Dean. It's okay. I didn't mean to make you upset or worried. I am not going to die anytime soon. I am not going to do anything stupid. I am not leaving you. » She said, rubbing her nose against his in order to reassure him. « I'm not asking for anything except you.. to stay alive. » She said as she felt his hands press her face against his for a nose-kiss. He kept her there, eyes half closed and wet from emotion and she put her hands above his, holding them tightly.

« You deserve better than that. » He managed to say, his throat tightening at the words that required so much strength to utter. She was accommodating him way too much and somehow, he found himself feeling guilty. He didn't want her to waste her time and life on someone like him. Someone so repressed that he might never be able to give her back all that she was giving to him. Someone so repressed that he didn't even know what he was feeling for her -or more precisely find the strength to face his own feelings-. He was the one to run away from feelings, to escape from them because he didn't want them. They hurt him in so many ways in the past that he wasn't willing to go through this again and yet here she was, asking nothing but giving him everything. He felt guilty for being the object of her affection, and she knew it, she could tell by the way he was carrying himself and the words he whispered to her.

« You as well. » She simply said, stroking his cheek with the back of her hand. He grunted and she felt his jaw tighten at her words, so she insisted. « Dean... You as well. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are, flaws and all. I am not saying I am this person, maybe I am far from being this person but all I know is that I love you.. flaws and all.. past and all. I don't care if you don't love me back, I don't care if you hate me even... I love you and because I do, all I want for you is to be happy... happy and alive. » She said as she gave him a crooked smile. He knew she would cry some more and she did, some tears rolled down her cheeks. «I'm sorry about the tears. It's not a terrible thing to love you aha don't get me wrong. It's just..... what I feel for you is so strong, I can't hold it back. I can't tone it down, I can't ignore it anymore and it's okay. it's okay...we're okay... »

« We're broken.. that's what we are. » He said, eyes even wetter than they used to be before. Her words, he heard them and they echoed within him as if they were on a loop. He wasn't wrong, they were broken. She had serious relationship issues, had an abrasive loud personality to cover up for her romantic and soft naive heart, she was traumatized by the gruesome and cruel fate of her family and felt responsible for their deaths. He had seen hell, went there, saw so many shit and creatures of unspeakable power wreak havoc on Earth. He prevented the destruction of the world and lost those he cared about so many times that he refused to take a chance at experiencing it again. Oya took a huge place in his heart, one he refused to acknowledge even existed and he didn't want her to suffer because of him. He wanted her happy, not stuck with a man she thought was her future while he would bring her destruction. He wanted her happy, not with the constant fear of losing him or him losing her. But she was there, in his apple pie dreams, in his thoughts, in his... heart? No. He wouldn't think about it. He didn't want to think about it. He expected her to give up after he said those words but Oya chuckled and nodded while wiping away the tears from her face.

« Yes, we are. We are a fucking mess. Look at us! We've known death, we're familiar with it. We've known pain, She is a friend. We've known remorse and guilt, they never leave us. We've known solitude and self-hatred.. we are freaks, aren't we? But we breathe, we cry, we bleed.. we love too. We're broken Dean.. but I can't help but think that the side of me that isn't, can help the side of you that is and that you could return the favor with yours. As a matter of fact.. you already do. We're broken ladders that support each other and it doesn't matter if we're not squeaky clean and the perfect white pickets family with a dog and two kids in the suburbs.. we're us... we're enough.. you are enough.. you are enough.. » she smiled at him and planted a kiss on his nose before she pulled away from him. « You will always be enough for me but I understand that I am not enough for you and it's alright. I'm alright...we get what we get and I have nothing to complain about what you give me. »

« Oya.... »

« Yeah? »

« Would you stop talking Shakespear to me? » It made her laugh and she shook her head « I'm serious, what do you want me to say after you say shit like this? What do you want me to say uh? I'm not big on words. »

« I don't need you to be. »

« What is it that you need me to be? Certainly, there is something you really want? » He dodged the conversation, making sure he wouldn't have to answer to her previous beautiful words. Dean always kept everything she said at a corner of his head. He didn't forget, he never could and he would tuck away what hearing her words made him feel. There was a sense of relief but also the feeling of being pulled down deeper into the pit of whatever he was feeling for her.

« Alive Dean. I just want you to be alive.. the rest doesn't matter to me. I want to take that guilt away from you, make you enjoy life while you can.. make you fucking happy. Watch after you.. ensure Sam has his big brother with him, ensure you get old and badass with me so we'd be senior Bonny and Clyde. I just.. want to be around and make sure that I can give you moments of peace...like our special day right? I want to be able to give you more than just one day..much more than just one. So yeah. I need you to be alive. »

« Without anything in return? » She sighed and looked away from him. Her fingers twitched and she grabbed the edge of his tiled shirt she wore as a Pj.

« There is something I want yeah. » Here we are! They all wanted something in return, even Oya. That was something Dean expected and he almost was ready to say 'I told you so'. But she gave him a sheepish smile and tweaked around the piece of fabric. « I don't want you to hate me. That's all I'm asking for. Please.. Don't hate me, Dean. I can't even think about you....not wanting to see me again because I did some stupid shit. » She said feeling her eyes getting filled with fresh unshed tears. She hadn't stopped crying and he didn't want her to keep on feeling that way.

« Silly Oya. I will never hate you, even if you betray us, as long as there is a solid reason, I won't hate you. I won't turn my back on you. I won't do that. » He was shocked, he expected she would have said something like 'love me' or a variant but she didn't. Her only concern was that he didn't abandon her and he could relate to that feeling. She didn't give him an attitude either which highlighted the fact she was very serious. He kept his hand on the back of her neck and stroked her cheek with his free hand. She nodded quietly and wiped away her tears.

« I'm sorry about the tears, they can't seem to be able to stop. »

« It's okay Oya. It's Okay. » He said nuzzling her neck and planting a kiss on it. She closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation of his lips over her chin and then her cheek and then her crying eye.

« What are you doing  Dean? » She asked, stiffening against him as she didn't know what he wanted to do. He kept shushing her and traced his fingers over her lips. Oya looked gorgeous that night, her beautiful curly black hair cascading on her back, her soft skin despite the many hunts and scars she had, her hazel eyes that kept on staring at him intensely and the love he could read in them. « What are you--- » He shushed her with a finger on her lips before he finally pressed them against his. She relaxed against him, feeling comforted by the kiss as she knew it was a serious one. It wasn't lust-filled or a peck like they usually gave each other. It was a meaningful kiss, kind and gentle and taking its sweet time. Her eyes were still open in shock as she didn't know how to react to it, but she closed them to enjoy it. Dean wrapped his arms around her frame to keep her close to him. He wanted to convey in that kiss all that he couldn't with words. He wanted to let her know that despite his silence over the whole « thing », he wasn't deaf, he wasn't dense, he wasn't rejecting her. He was.... He felt... he felt he was one hell of lucky bastards who didn't deserve an ounce of the love she gave him..yet realized he didn't want to be without. He felt her relax enough to lay against his chest and as the kiss silenced her and his demons, Dean simply spent the rest of the evening kissing her, cleansing his mind of his negative thoughts, emptying his heart from his worries, finding comfort in the arms of his equal in everything -save maybe for his skills in hunting-, finding comfort in the other broken bird in the cage.. in her.. in Oya.

(TBC)