A/N: I'll need a good ol' week to recover from this :p Our beautiful babies <3 All usual disclaimers
xxxxx
She couldn't sleep that very night, but Oya had her arms wrapped around his as they shared the same bed once again. Three days.. It'd been three days since she entered his room and slipped under his sheets. It'd been three days since she felt his steady breath on her neck and his lips on her forehead. Three days without feeling his comforting warmth or listening to his jokes and teases. She took her distance, all because of a stupid hunt that nearly cost her life. Oya was confronted with a situation she never had to even think about in the past. Monsters to rescue. Monsters who were in love with each other she happened to rescue from an angry human mob. It was a weird situation and she didn't know which troubled her more. Was it the fact they were in love and very much « in your face » regarding feelings? Or was it the fact she nearly died, alone and came to the realization that she clearly wished Dean felt the same as she did. It was a selfish little moment but seeing them so genuinely loving each other and promising each other love, somehow stung the hunter's heart. She was envious. For a brief moment, she wanted to be in the female monster's shoes. She wanted to have a Romeo who would claim his love for her. It wasn't so much that she wanted to hear it every goddamn minute. Once would be more than enough. She simply wanted to feel loved and shrugged at the idea. It couldn't happen now, could it?
Three days later, after she escaped from Death, Oya's mind was boiling with thoughts. Dean liked her, she knew it already. The night of their date, he did tell her that she was family. That was the most Oya thought she could have. Be part of that family, have a lot of fun with Dean but he couldn't give her more and she didn't blame him for that. She actually believed she was giving him too much of her feelings. After all, she slept in this bed whether or not he wanted her to. Oya made it a habit for them both to sleep on his bed with him. She told him she felt something, no.. she told him she loved him and it was clear and he didn't say anything and never brought that up. She was fine with it, she understood it as he didn't feel the same and didn't want to sound rude so his silence was his rejection. She took it as such. It was easier in her mind. All of that was easier. She knew rejection, she knew it very well. Her fiance rejected her because she was less of a woman in his eyes. He went away and he ended up dying. She herself rejected love altogether because it was just damn easier. Pushing away people, having sex with faceless partners to fill the void and keep her busy until the night was gone. It was easier for her. She wouldn't get close to anyone and wouldn't have to suffer from the heartbreak.
But Dean arrived in her life and he turned everything upside down. She fell for him without even realizing she did. She fell for him and when she realized it, it was too late. He was part of her nightmares, slowly but surely replacing the nightmares of her late family she had. She was scared of losing him and seeing him die in front of her. She was scared of him hating her for some shit she would do. Yes, of course, she believed she could build instead of destroying whatever she touched, but Oya's mind was pretty resilient and the thoughts at the back of her head didn't leave her. She still could lose him anytime now and she had to be more careful. Yet, until tonight, it all was a distant dream. She took it as a mission she'd carry without him knowing or caring about it. He didn't share her feelings, so she was free to love him as much as she could without being too worried about him being upset at her or rejecting her feelings once again. He already did right? He already did when he said nothing to her. See ? Easy Peasy. She would keep on loving him in silence, stare at him like he was the 8th wonder of the world because he was to her., protect him even if it required for her to lose her life. She was ready to sacrifice everything for him, out of love. She believed in all of that crap because it was easier. Tonight, however, he confessed and it shattered every little bit of her perfect strategy. It burned it to the ground and left her vulnerable once again.
« I love you, Oya. »
His voice echoed still in her mind. He said the words. He said these as if it was too difficult for him to contain his feelings and she felt it along with him. The fear. The joy. The relief. The surprise. The love and Fear once again. Fear when she first heard his words because she was certain he would voice his reject. It sounded bad and she prepared herself for the conceal her disappointment -as if it would work. He cut through her bullshit all the damn time- and then she heard the words and couldn't believe them the first time until he repeated them again and she was left speechless. It felt as if he'd shattered an invisible wall between the two of them and she finally could reach out to him. Joy overflowed her heart, mind, and soul. The joy of having her feelings returned to her. It took his while, several months since she actually confessed to him for Dean to build up the courage to tell her. It felt like years and she felt as if she'd just dropped a heavy weight from her shoulders and onto the floor. He was in love with her. He said it. Which led to relief. She wasn't alone. She wasn't alone anymore and knowing that there would be someone next to her offered some comfort. The surprise came from the very fact he confessed and he even felt something like that for her. Oya never expected him to return her feelings but he did. Which led to her feeling even more in love with him and fear.
It was real. It was palatable. He was in love with her and if she had a little shred of doubt, tonight it was gone. First, he came to her because she was avoiding him and he needed to check on her and make sure she was alright and it didn't go unnoticed. Then, Dean went out of his way to tell her he was on the same page as she was and that she should stop thinking he wasn't in love with her. BUT what rang a bell to her was that he flat out said he was scared as hell. He had expectations, he had a lot of fears, he had a past made of suffering she was aware of. He was still bleeding from his lost loves and she now had to make sure he wouldn't bleed because of her. She had to take care of him, of his wounded heart so they would put it back together. But she was afraid her messed up mind ruined him. She was afraid her hands destroyed him like they always did. She was afraid to lose him even more. Dean was her world and just like her, he was broken. She turned on herself to face the hunter and cupped his cheek. Her fingers gently stroked the back of his neck while his hand rested on her waist. He couldn't sleep either, his mind had been torturing him forever since he confessed.
He couldn't believe how easily those words rolled off of his tongue and while he felt relieved that she knew, he was scared shitless about the whole ordeal. She knew! She knew and he was expecting things to go downhill from this moment on. His love was toxic, he came to believe. After all, every woman he ever loved ended up dead or like Lisa, forgot about him. He didn't want to lose Oya the same way. He already didn't want to lose her during hunts, as a family member, but now that he said the words, he was even more afraid because of the void her death would create in his heart. He closed his eyes for a while, relishing in the softness of her fingers over his rough skin but then furrowed his brows. Oya was as broken as he was, maybe less since she didn't visit hell and didn't have to play Russian roulette with Death. But her traumas were still part of herself. Still deeply cutting into her. She was abandoned and had to live with the slaughter of her family in front of her.. Dean knew she shared the fear of losing him, she told him so several times already and he was afraid he might die himself. While he would have done it for Sam without even thinking twice, it was different for Oya. He wanted to stay with her, build something, have a shot at maybe being redeemed for his sins and earn an honest life of genuine joy. no..No ! He wasn't thinking about it, he dreamed about this shit and it always backfired, so NO! He wouldn't want it. But he didn't want to die because dying would mean abandoning her all over again and causing her pain. He wanted to protect Oya from harm, from pain, from losing him but his real fear wasn't so much to die on the battlefield than to make her unhappy. See, he didn't think he really could make anyone happy and he wasn't sure he could endure the sight of her being unhappy because of him. He leaned his forehead against hers and let his warm breath brush over her skin.
« Dean... » She whispered. He tensed a bit but relaxed as she seemed relaxed. « I think you're crushing my arm, let me change position. » She said as she wrapped that arm around his shoulder and pressed him against her. « Much better. » It was awkward, but she wanted to sleep and she slept better when she could hear his heartbeats.
«Are you at ease, princess'mine?? » He teased her, making her pout a little but nod at his question.
« I'm not a princess. I'm the badass knight in shiny armor and I'm goddamn tired. Do we have to wake up early tomorrow? »
« Not at all. » He said as his large hand stroked her hair as he pulled her against his frame. She didn't sleep well these past few days, he knew it, she was exhausted, so of course, he would make sure that she got a decent night of sleep before they went back to hunting monsters.
« Good! Because I am not sur- » She yawned and ended up falling asleep straight away against him. It made Dean chuckle and he pulled the covers above their silhouettes so she could rest some while his mind would be busy making him fear for the two of them. For this very budding love between the hunters that might end up in a tragedy like it always did. But not tonight.
(TBC)
No comments:
Post a Comment